Denial

by Jackie Kennedy

  Amy grinned. “If I said yes, would that put a hold on you nagging me?”

  “It would certainly explain why you look like you haven’t slept in a week,” she said affectionately. But unable to hide her concern, added, “Amy, you really do look like shit. Has this anything to do with Celeste or the children?”

  Lifting her cup to her mouth, Amy paused for a second before draining it. Putting the empty cup down, she stood, and reaching out, touched Sandra’s cheek. Completely ignoring her question she said, “I’m glad you’re back.” Then turning, she headed out the room to begin her shift.

  Sandra frowned. Concerned and wanting to know what the hell was going on she said, “Amy, I’m—”

  As she turned to look at Sandra, Amy hit the edge of the table near the door. Tumbling forward, she fell to the ground.

  Sandra rushed to her. “How are you feeling, honey?” she asked, taking her hand and helping her up.

  Amy nodded dazedly. “Fine,” she replied, grimacing as she held her side. “I’m winded, that’s all.”

  Sandra helped her over to the nearest chair. “Amy, I think you should go home. You look shattered.”

  Amy looked at her in surprise.

  “I’ll arrange for a taxi, and I’ll stop by and check on you tonight. Okay? No arguments. I’m not taking no for an answer,” she said forcefully. “You’re going.”

  Sandra picked up the phone and dialed a local taxi number. Waiting for the call to be answered, she looked at Amy and said in a worried tone, “You really do look absolutely exhausted.”

  Organizing the taxi, Sandra put down the phone and looked at her watch; she really needed to get back to work. She had been off the ward for far too long already.

  Sandra sat next to Amy. “Amy, you’re exhausted,” she said. “You need to rest. Why don’t you take the next couple of days off? We’ll cope. It seems pretty quiet, and if there’s any change I promise I’ll get your bony arse in here, pronto.” She took Amy’s hands into her own. “Honey, by the look of you, it’s evident that you’ve been pushing yourself far too hard. Neil mentioned to me on the phone that you were working all sorts of weird and wonderful shifts. You need to stop that. You can’t be here twenty-four-seven. You’ll burn yourself out if you keep this up!”

  Amy looked at her.

  Sandra looked into Amy’s eyes and whispered with shock, “That’s what you’re trying to do, isn’t it?” She gave her an incredulous look, then said with determination, “But no more, because Sandra’s back to make sure you’re okay. Okay?”

  Amy smiled faintly.

  Sandra stood up. “Go home and rest. I’ll drop by and see you tonight after I’ve finished my shift.” She pulled Amy up and helped her into her coat, wrapping her scarf around her as if she were a child.

  Picking up her gloves, Amy murmured, “You’re right. I’m tired. I need some rest.”

  Relieved Amy had come to her senses, Sandra gave her a hug before walking her out of the ward.

  †

  Sandra parked her car, grabbed the Chinese food and the bottle of wine she had bought, and headed toward Amy’s apartment. Stomping her feet to shift the snow from her shoes, she buzzed for entry. Over the last few years, she had taken to dropping by Amy’s apartment at least a couple of times a month for some Chinese food, a bottle of wine and some gossip. Amy never drank, so Sandra usually had the bottle and stayed over. She knew Amy wasn’t into going out, so it tended to be a girls night in.

  When Celeste, the children and the boys were here, Sandra had stopped by often. She really enjoyed their company and picked up pretty quickly that there was a something between Amy and the gorgeous brunette.

  When Colin and Alex were here, Sandra had bonded with Colin straightaway. During an evening out with Colin, he filled her in on everything she needed to know including the affair with Celeste and the accident. She hadn’t been surprised that Amy had a history. It was evident when she treated her in hospital in Australia that Amy had a past by the very fact that she never spoke about it.

  Sandra’s heart went out to her friend. She had always felt a sense of protection over her for some reason. When Colin told her the full story, she had actually cried like a baby right there in the pub. Colin too, albeit the couple of bottles of wine they had might have contributed to a large part of their public display.

  Desperate to get into the heat, Sandra buzzed Amy’s apartment again. She shivered and thought about how exhausted her friend looked this morning. What the hell happened over there in Sarasota that’s driving her to work herself to sheer exhaustion? Even though Amy had never confided in her about her past, other than cursory information, Sandra decided that tonight, whether Amy liked it or not, they were going to have a serious talk.

  Shivering, Sandra buzzed again. She had phoned Amy once today, but there had been no answer; she hoped the blonde was catching up on some much-needed shuteye. During her trip, Sandra had phoned Amy lots of times and always got reassurance over the phone that she was fine. Sandra rolled her eyes and thought if only she’d known.

  Pulling the lapels of her coat closer Sandra frowned, remembering that before she left for her vacation she had specifically asked Neil to look after Amy. She had even spoken to him several times during her vacation. Never once had he cracked a light that something was up. Sandra shook her head and thought she shouldn’t be surprised that the twit had never noticed the state Amy was in. He only ever paid attention to what he could get his leg over, and recently he’d been dating a girl with a pulse, which meant that he had the attention span of a gnat. Sandra made a mental note to put him on permanent night shift for the next month.

  Impatiently, she buzzed several times and sighed with relief when Amy eventually buzzed her in. Shivering, Sandra made her way up the stairs. She sighed, pleased that her shift was over. The first day back was always a killer. She smiled when she saw Amy had left the door ajar. Pushing it fully open, she walked straight in.

  Sandra stood for a moment, surprised that the hallway was dark. There were no lights on, apart from the living room. Calling out Amy’s name, she followed the light and entered the room.

  Sandra stood stock-still. Her mouth fell open and only her eyes moved, absorbing her surroundings. The place was a mess. There was paint everywhere; over all the furniture, up the walls, on the curtains, even on the ceiling.

  Sandra blinked a few times then noticed Amy in the corner. She stared at her and waited for some sort of explanation. She blinked, suddenly aware that Amy was standing in front of a painting, with a paint-splattered sweater on.

  Sandra let out her breath and watched it evaporate in the cold air, registering with shock that the temperature in here was as cold. She frowned and looked around.

  Not wanting to let Amy know Colin had blabbed her whole life story, Sandra stammered, “I…I didn’t know you painted, Amy…” Her words fell away when she realized the room was dank and depressing, not the bright room she was used to. She caught her breath when she noticed that all of Amy’s paintings were unremittingly dark. There was no life in any of them. They appeared to be variations of the same theme—all filled with women holding their heads and screaming, all crying out in pain. Some of the paintings had just one woman and others had women squashed against each other morphing into one.

  The blood drained from Sandra’s face when she realized she was surrounded by what seemed like hundreds of silent voices screaming out in pain. Horror crossed her face as she looked around the room; it was littered with canvases. Some stacked on top of each other. Others leaned against walls. All were painted with detail, and all put aside, obviously never to be looked at again.

  Sandra dropped the Chinese food and the bottle of wine. The wine clanged when it hit the wooden floor. Clasping her hands to her chest, she looked agog at the screaming faces, screaming their pain and agony. She covered her ears, positive she could hear them. Her eyes stopped at Amy. She was standing with a paintbrush in her hand, staring at her.

  San
dra dropped her hands and walking quickly toward Amy, pulled her out of the room with her. Breathless, she leaned heavily against the closed door. Goose bumps ran up and down the length of her. She shook and then shivered.

  “Bloody hell, Amy,” Sandra said, reaching blindly for the light switch. “It’s a psychiatrist’s playground in there. No offense, honey. But your paintings are gruesome.” She sighed with relief when she found the switch. She flicked it up and down a few times.

  “Don’t bother,” Amy replied quietly. “I took all the lightbulbs out.”

  Sandra squeezed open the door of the living room just enough to allow some light to filter out. She looked at Amy but couldn’t see her properly. After seeing those screaming faces, she didn’t need to ask why she had taken the light bulbs out. She asked slowly, “Amy, have you put them somewhere?”

  Amy nodded. “Yes. They’re all in the living room, in a paper bag.”

  Sandra shivered and thought that there was no way she was going back in there. “Amy, listen to me,” she said, holding her friend’s arms. “This all adds up to one thing!”

  “What?”

  “Honey, you are having one serious, fucking meltdown!” She pushed Amy forward. “Right, get your coat. We’re getting the hell out of here!”

  Chapter 52

  Nerves hit Amy’s stomach as she prepared her uniform for work. She reassured herself as she hung it up that everyone felt like this when they had time off. When Sandra had hustled her out of her apartment that night a few weeks ago, she had insisted that Amy stay with her. It didn’t take Sandra long to get information out of Amy. She was shocked when she realized that Amy had been locked up in her apartment, painting frantically, each night the same thing over and over again.

  Amy tried to explain to Sandra that she had only been exorcising her demons and it should be looked on as nothing more than a cathartic experience. But it was only on returning to her apartment and looking around that Amy was left in no doubt that, for a period, she had lost it completely.

  Amy was shocked to see, not only the volume of paintings she had produced, but also what they depicted. Somehow, she hadn’t understood how dark and oppressive her exhibition truly was. What had really taken her by surprise was the actual state of the apartment. She was shocked when she saw handprints over practically everything; every piece of furniture was ruined.

  Amy shivered as she thought back to that night when Sandra had showed up. She grimaced as she remembered the look of horror on her face. It was only then that she fully saw what she had been painting. That was five weeks ago and for the last two, Amy, Sandra, and Neil had gutted her apartment and completely redecorated it. It had been hard work, but as Amy looked around her newly decorated pad, it was well worth it.

  For the second time, Amy owed much of her recovery to Sandra. In Australia, she was a great friend. When Sandra thought she was ready, she had revealed to Amy that Colin had told her about her past. Unsurprisingly, Amy found Sandra an easy confidant and their conversations went a long way toward healing her. Now, more than ever, Amy was appreciative of Sandra’s friendship. In some ways, Sandra reminded her so much of Maggie, and she drew great comfort from that.

  A few well-chosen colors and some new furniture made the apartment look terrific. Amy had to admit they had done a grand job.

  The phone rang.

  Amy picked it up. “Hello.”

  It was Irene. Amy settled into the sofa, knowing this wouldn’t be a short call.

  Over the phone Amy reassured her mother that everything was fine. Irene intended to visit with the girls in a few weeks. Amy told her that everything was ready, and there was nothing she needed.

  Still Irene asked, “Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

  Amy smiled and replied affectionately, “Look Mum, what part of no don’t you understand? Everything is ready for you and the girls. The flat has been given a complete makeover. Now relax, will you.”

  Amy eventually got Irene off the phone with a promise that she would call her the next day.

  †

  Amy woke with a start. She felt for her watch and realized with surprise that she wasn’t wearing it. She rubbed her forehead and tried to think where it was then drew in a sharp breath when she realized she wasn’t in bed. Sitting up, she looked around in bewilderment then realized she was on a beach. She gasped when she noticed Celeste close by, lying on her side.

  Amy stretched out her hand but wasn’t close enough to touch her. She leaned on her elbow and reached out again, but still, she wasn’t close enough to touch. She called to Celeste several times, but she didn’t respond. Eventually, she stood up and went to her, bending down she gently shook her, but Celeste wouldn’t stir.

  Concerned, Amy shook her hard, but Celeste didn’t wake.

  There was the sound of children’s laughter. Amy stood up and shaded her eyes. Looking out toward the ocean she could see Daniel and Naomi in the water, playing. She noted with surprise that there was a giant yellow sun in the sky, and feeling strangely light hearted, she smiled when a flock of big, black birds flew by.

  Amy looked around her. The sky and the ocean seemed different somehow. She couldn’t believe the colors. Everything was so vibrant, so familiar. Like, she struggled to remember, like one of her paintings. No, she thought. It’s like the print that Alex sent of Daniel’s painting.

  Looking around, Amy was aware of how surreal things seemed, and how sharply focused they were at the same time. She looked down. “Celeste, please wake up. You need to see this.” She looked around. “It’s paradise!”

  Amy repeated Celeste’s name, louder this time. She bent down and shook her again, but still Celeste wouldn’t wake. She looked up sharply; the children’s laughter was getting louder as if they were coming closer.

  Amy stood and looked out, but the children hadn’t moved. She shaded her eyes and watched them play. Even though everything felt strange, she smiled. Somehow, this felt right. After a moment, she frowned and rubbed her forehead trying to remember how she got here. A movement from the side of her vision caught her attention, a figure was moving toward them.

  Amazed that, even from a distance, she could clearly make out the shape of a person, Amy frowned and thought it should be a complete blur. She chewed her bottom lip, unable to understand. Her attention fixed on the shape moving toward her. Intrigued, she studied it. The shape was tall and the walk familiar.

  Wanting a better look, Amy moved forward a few steps. Her heartbeat quickened as the figure moved closer. She turned her head and looked at Celeste. She was still sleeping. She looked back at the figure and caught her breath.

  Amy exhaled heavily before whispering, “No. It can’t be! It’s impossible!”

  The figure progressed toward her with a steady pace. Impatient, Amy moved toward it fast, needing to get close so she could see more clearly who it was.

  Knowing this couldn’t be real and unable to believe her own eyes, Amy uttered, “It can’t be? It can’t. It can’t be…Maggie?”

  Amy broke out into a run, quickly closing the distance between them. Without a thought she fell into Maggie’s arms. Unable to believe it was truly her, Amy kissed her face all over as tears streamed down her own. She hugged her cousin and, needing to be convinced, cried out, “It’s you, isn’t it?” She grabbed Maggie’s arms firmly. “It is you, isn’t it?” She laughed wildly. “It’s definitely you!” She looked at Maggie incredulously. “I can feel you!” She ran her hands up and down the redhead’s arms in wonderment. “You’re skin and bone!” she said excitedly. “I can definitely feel you.”

  Amy looked at her with elation. “You’re real, aren’t you?” she said as she hugged Maggie and laughed heartily. “You’re so real.” She held her tight. “You’re so very, very real! I’ve missed you so much, Maggie. I can’t believe you’re here!”

  Maggie kissed her back. “I’ve missed you too, jellybean,” she replied gently.

  For the next few minutes, they danced around hugg
ing and kissing each other.

  Eventually Maggie stopped, but still held Amy in her arms.

  Amy was grinning so wide she thought her face might split. She looked at her cousin and her heart missed a beat. She looked around, hoping against hope.

  “Maggie,” Amy hesitated, and looked around once more. Almost too frightened to ask, she uttered, “Are they here with you?” She gripped Maggie’s arms and said in growing excitement, “I mean…the boys. Are the boys here with you?”

  Maggie smiled and nodded. “Yes, jellybean, they’re here.”

  Amy’s legs went weak. She leaned into Maggie. “Where?” She looked frantically around her. “Where are they, Maggie?”

  “They’re over the sand dunes, Amy,” Maggie said, pointing westward.

  Unable to believe that she was minutes away from seeing her sons, Amy excitedly grabbed Maggie’s hands and pulled her toward the dunes. “Let’s go Maggie,” she said feverishly. ”Let’s go and get them.”

  Maggie pulled Amy back into her arms and smiled. “No need,” she replied comfortingly. “They’re safe.”

  Confused, Amy pulled out of her cousin’s arms and looked at her. Beginning to feel uneasy she said, “I want to see them, Maggie.” Then firming her voice, insisted, “I want to go to see them now, Maggie!”

  Maggie, still smiling, moved closer and stroking Amy’s face said softly, “Jellybean, you can’t.”

  Amy’s stomach heaved, she sobbed. “Please, Maggie. Please.”

  The redhead pulled Amy back into her arms. Unable to hold back, Amy sobbed hard. Maggie held her tight and cooed, “Let it all out, jellybean.”

  Amy cried inconsolably.

  Eventually, she looked at Maggie. “I miss you so much.” She closed her eyes. “I miss the boys so, so much.” Tears flowed. “I’m so sorry I didn’t go with you that weekend.”

  Maggie lifted Amy’s chin, smiled at her then kissed her forehead. “It’s all right, jellybean. It’s all right.” She shushed Amy as she protested.