Whiskey and Gunpowder

by Liliana Hart

“Let’s not do that again.”

  “Usually when I’m stuck in a tree I’m with Savage or Kate.”

  “Does that make it better?”

  I thought back to those times and shook my head. “Not really,” I said. “Pretty much the same outcome.”

  I got myself together as best I could and then made my way toward the house, staying away from the windows. The backyard was a good size and there was a nice outdoor patio and deck, along with a hot tub.

  “Gross, I can only imagine what that poor hot tub has seen.”

  “You don’t know the half of it,” Nick said. “You haven’t seen the guys at the DA’s office. There’s not enough bleach in the world to clean that thing.”

  I shuddered in disgust and looked in the first window I came across. I could barely see through the slats in the blinds, but I could make out what looked to be a small guest bedroom. Nick had been right, they’d been using this place as some kind of DA frat house. The bed took up almost the whole room and all I could see was a lot of black satin and a weird chandelier.

  The back of the house was pretty open and I could see into the living room and kitchen area. But there was no sign of Heather and Jerrod.

  “You think they even made it out of the garage?” I asked.

  “Maybe not,” he said. And then he moved in closer to the window so his face was almost pressed against it.

  My heart was beating a hundred miles a minute.

  “Look there,” he said.

  I came up next to him and followed where his fingers were pointing. A trail of clothes led through the living room and kitchen into what I was guessing was the master bedroom.

  “Come on,” I said, and made my way toward the three bay windows. The blinds were closed and I couldn’t see inside, not even a speck of light. But there were three narrow, rectangular windows above each of the bay windows. “You’re going to have to boost me up.”

  Nick closed his eyes again and looked to be counting to ten. Then he started over. I smacked him on the shoulder and gestured toward the windows. He rolled his eyes and then knelt so I could sit on his shoulders, and then he slowly came to a standing position. My feet were tucked behind his back and I wobbled back and forth on his shoulders.

  “Let go of my hair,” he hissed, and I realized I had a death grip on his hair.

  “Sorry,” I said and tried to sit up straighter. I was right at eye-level with the window, and it surprised me when I actually saw Jerrod and Heather in the room. And boy did I see them. I brought the camera up and took a couple of quick shots. And then I tapped Nick on the top of the head and leaned down.

  “Hey, I don’t think you have to worry about this guy having too many political aspirations. He’s dressed in a red lace bra and panty set. It’s just like the one I have that you like.”

  “You should probably burn that,” Nick said. “Are you done?”

  “Almost.” I popped back up to get another couple of shots, and Jerrod must have caught movement from the corner of his eye because he turned and we made eye contact.

  “Oh, shit,” I said, and kicked my foot in Nick’s kidney like I was spurring on a horse. “He saw me. Go! Go!”

  The last thing I’d seen through the window was both of them scrambling for clothes. They were coming for us.

  “Get down and run,” Nick said.

  But I was frozen, and I had a death grip on Nick’s head and my legs were wrapped around him like an anaconda. I wasn’t going anywhere. So he started running. I bounced on his shoulders as he plowed through the gate and across the front yard.

  “Move your hand,” he yelled. “You’re covering my eyes.”

  I was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t seem to stop and couldn’t seem to get control of myself. I imagined we looked like an ostrich weaving back and forth, running willy-nilly down the street.

  Nick opened the driver’s side door and tossed me inside, and then shoved me across to the passenger seat. I was completely useless because I couldn’t stop laughing and Nick somehow managed to get the car started and speed down the street just as Jerrod Petrie came running out of the front of the house. He was only wearing his pants and the red bra.

  Nick ducked down in his seat, but I could tell he was laughing too.

  “You’re right,” I said. “I’m going to have to burn that bra and panty set.”

  “We should also probably get a new car. I doubt he was able to see my plates, but there aren’t a lot of people who drive this kind of truck and park at the municipal building.”

  I looked at the clock. It was going on noon. “Do you still have time for sex?”

  “Sex first. Car later.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  I was pretty much toast for the rest of the day, but to be fair, I had gotten up early and I’d crossed another case off my list. Other than the black eyes and perpetual wedding disasters, I was having a pretty good week.

  I was lying flat on my back in the middle of the bed, and I raised my head to look down at myself and then promptly dropped my head back on my pillow. I still wore one sock, and my sweater was around my neck. The good news was my face didn’t hurt anymore, but I was mostly numb everywhere, so I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

  I was pretty useless after sex. It had the opposite effect on Nick. He got up, showered, and was dressed before I’d managed to come out of my stupor. He kissed me on the forehead and was off to buy a new car and salvage some of his workday.

  I halfway lifted my arm off the bed to tell him goodbye.

  I must’ve dozed for a little while, because I was startled awake by the buzzing of my phone and the fact that I was freezing cold. I curled the comforter around me as I turned toward the nightstand and reached for my phone. I was nice and cozy in the cocoon I’d made for myself.

  “’Lo,” I answered.

  “I’ve got two things to tell you,” Rosemarie said.

  “Are they good things?”

  She was silent. “It depends on if you’re a glass half-empty or glass half-full kind of person.”

  “What’s the first thing?” I asked.

  “I’ve got a little impromptu bachelorette dinner planned for tonight. I found a band that can play at the reception, so I thought it’d be a good idea to check them out in person. We can eat, drink, and listen to great music.”

  “Okay…” The last thing I wanted to do was get dressed and lose my sex buzz, but Rosemarie had gone to the trouble of lining everything up, so I was going. “That doesn’t sound so bad. What’s the second thing?”

  “You left your van at the agency, so I figured I’d park my car there and drive the van to pick everyone up. Like a designated chauffer.”

  “How were you going to drive the van without keys?” I asked.

  “Oh, I’ve got a set of keys. Scarlet gave them to me just after you got it. I think everyone has keys. She said it was in case of emergency.”

  “Huh,” I said. Good to know in case the van ever went missing. “What else happened?”

  “I got in the van and was heading toward the courthouse to pick up Kate when I saw this movement in my rearview mirror. At first I thought it was a bear or maybe Cujo and it was barreling straight toward me and screaming a little. Scared the crap out of me. So I swerved because I thought I was about to be eaten and I accidentally hit some trashcans. And a traffic cone. But the policeman directing traffic jumped out of the way just in time.”

  I closed my eyes, and figured I’d be getting a call from Nick once the word got back to him that Black Betty was trying to maim officers. It’s not like she was hard to pick out in a lineup.

  “What happened to Cujo?” I asked.

  “It was just Scarlet wrapped up in that stupid fur coat. She went into hiding after that incident at the pawn shop and it was the only place she could think of to go on short notice. I guess she was cold and a little hungry, which explained all the growling.”

  “How bad is the damage?” I asked.

  “On a scale
of one to ten, I’d say it’s a two. And that officer’s handprints should come right off.”

  “What time are you picking me up?” I asked.

  “I’ve got a couple more stops to make and then we’ll head your way. Maybe an hour.”

  “That’ll work.”

  I disconnected and thought about staying in my cocoon and not going anywhere, but I tossed off the covers and padded my way to the bathroom for a shower and more than just emergency makeup. I needed my RuPaul makeup case. There was nothing that stuff couldn’t hide.

  It was a good thing I didn’t have long hair anymore because my makeup took up almost the whole hour. But the time I was finished, my black eyes were covered and my nose was only slightly swollen. My face was pretty much shellacked, and I was afraid if I smiled too much it might crack.

  The only thing I couldn’t fix was the bloodshot eyes, so I added false eyelashes and bright red lipstick so I was symmetrically color coordinated.

  “I can’t work miracles,” I said to my reflection.

  Since we were going out on the town I decided to pull out the big guns. I had a pair of faux leather Spanx leggings that were the best thing since sliced bread. They made me look hot and thin, but also allowed me to eat all the dessert I wanted. It wasn’t pretty when they came off, but sometimes you had to make sacrifices for beauty. I put on a tight red sweater and plumped up my cleavage. I didn’t have to plump it much. The girls were looking good all on their own. I finished off my look with a pair of impractical Louboutin booties that would have my feet screaming by the end of the night.

  I was bachelorette ready. Whatever that meant. There was no telling with Rosemarie.

  The buzzer for the front gate sounded just as I made my way down the stairs. I opened the gate and watched as the headlights came closer to the house. I had a fur-lined black cape I never got a chance to wear, so I tossed it over my shoulder, grabbed my purse and was out the door.

  Rosemarie screeched to a stop right in front of me and the side door of the van opened. I saw Scarlet’s face just before a bag was tossed over my head and I was yanked into the van.

  “What the hell?” I tried to yell, but the bass was pumping too loud for anyone to hear me.

  The tires squealed and the van shot off like a rocket, and I fell back into one of the seats.

  “Who’s ready to par-tay?” Rosemarie asked. Her voice was amplified through a mic. Between the music and all the hoots and hollers in answer to Rosemarie’s question, I was in my own personal kind of hell. I was not a party animal. I was a ‘sit against the wall and watch other people be party animals’ kind of person.

  All of a sudden, the bag was jerked off my head and a bright light was flashed in my eyes.

  “Are you ready?” Scarlet asked.

  “Ready for what?”

  “I said, are you ready?” she yelled, sounding like a drill sergeant.

  I was trying to look around to see who all was in the van, but the bright light had limited my vision. All I could hear was the bass and Rosemarie singing show tunes into the mic, and occasionally giving a play-by-play of what was happening on the streets like we were on one of those Hollywood tour buses.

  “Maybe you should give her a little space,” I heard my mother say. “She’s got that little wrinkle between her brow that she gets whenever she’s irritated.”

  “I know it well,” my sister said. “Usually when the wrinkle appears her fists start flying. She chipped one of my teeth once.”

  “No, I didn’t,” I said. “You tripped and bumped your chin against the bar.”

  “Because you punched me,” she said.

  “Can someone turn that down?” I asked. “I can’t hear myself think.”

  “That’s the point,” Scarlet said. “We’ve got to keep you confused and disoriented. Spy school 101.”

  “This is supposed to be my bachelorette party.”

  “Huh,” she said. “I hadn’t heard anything about that. All I heard was detain and blindfold.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked as loudly as I could.

  “It’s a surprise,” Kate said from the front seat. “All I know is that I’m getting drunk. Loosen up a little. You’re getting married.”

  I hadn’t had a chance to tell her we no longer had a preacher to marry us. In fact, I’d barely spoken to Kate all week, but from the few things she had said, I was guessing court was a nightmare.

  “How come you look like one of those mannequins?” Scarlet asked, flashing the light in my face again.

  I grabbed the light out of her hand and turned it off. “Because I have two black eyes and I had to practically use varnish to cover it up. No thanks to you.”

  “Me?” Scarlet asked. “You don’t have the sense that God gave a jackrabbit. Can’t you tell when someone is getting skittish and about to start throwing punches? It’s like you haven’t learned anything I’ve taught you.”

  It turns out I had some unresolved anger toward Aunt Scarlet. I was about to get married and I looked like the Corpse Bride.

  “Well you certainly didn’t teach me to swing banjos at people or pull out your weapon like Dirty Harry and wave it around. I’m not a cop. I can’t do that stuff.”

  “That’s true,” Kate said. “We’re not allowed to do that stuff.”

  “Well, thank goodness you’re not a cop,” Scarlet said. “You’d be a terrible cop. Cops are too friendly now. I miss the old days. Like Eliot Ness. You think Eliot Ness would give two hoots if he was supposed to arrest a criminal or not? You don’t have the instinct. The gut always knows. Besides, I made a citizen’s arrest. I can do that.”

  “Right, which is why you whacked her and ran out the door before the cops could show up,” I said.

  “I had an appointment,” Scarlet said.

  I knew something was different about Scarlet, but things had been too confusing once I’d gotten in the van to piece it together.

  “What happened to your hair?” I asked.

  “All those extensions got too heavy. I could barely hold my head up, and when I ran out of that pawn shop I snagged it on one of those planter hooks they attach to the light posts. Thought I’d ripped the whole thing plum off my head. Hurt like the dickens.”

  That didn’t explain why she looked like she’d stolen Sharon Osbourne’s hair. It was fire-engine-red and sticking out in all directions.

  “This here’s a wig,” she said, pulling off the hair to reveal a skull cap underneath. “I’ve decided this is the way to go. Then I can wear different hair every day. It’s like changing your underpants, only people can see it.”

  “I haven’t heard this story about banjos and black eyes,” Kate said from the front. “Am I going to get sued for something?”

  “It’s still up in the air,” I said. “But be glad Scarlet doesn’t work for you or the answer to that question might be a little different.”

  “I don’t work for anyone,” Scarlet said. “I’m like my own government. When you get to be my age you realize nobody has a lick a sense and that you don’t really care about what people think or why they want to talk about themselves so much. When it comes down to it, people are pretty boring. Just do your own thing, man, and have fun.”

  “Spoken like a true stoner,” Phoebe said, laughing.

  My mother gasped and narrowed her eyes at Scarlet. “Were those your rolling papers in my bathroom?”

  Scarlet put her hair back on and finally took a seat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Phyllis. You accusing me of something?”

  “Who wants booze?” Rosemarie yelled into the mic, and everyone but me raised their hands in the air and made excited hoots and hollers.

  “Are we there yet?” my mother asked. “I didn’t get a chance to eat today. Do you think they have fondue?”

  “It’s not 1977,” Aunt Scarlet said. “Nobody has fondue. What Addison needs is some oysters. That’ll get those ovaries in good shape for the wedding night. You’ve got to prep for a good wedding ni
ght. Like stretching. Otherwise you tap out too soon and no one has fun. I should write a book. I could help a lot of people with my knowledge.”

  “Yeah, it’d be a real service to the community,” my mother said.

  “We’re here,” Rosemarie sang into the mic.

  I looked out the window as we pulled into the parking lot of a huge wooden barn. There was a huge flashing sign that said Bucking Bronco’s and a picture of a cowboy roping a steer next to it.

  “Is this a steak house?” my mother asked.

  “Yep, they serve beef all right,” Scarlet said. “Let’s get this party started.”

  “I thought we were checking out a band,” I said to Rosemarie.

  “We are,” she said. “They come on at ten o’clock after the main entertainment.”

  She parked the van in two parking spots and we all filed out. It wasn’t until I had two feet on the ground and looked around at our ragtag group that I realized Lucy was with us. It’s like she’d just appeared out of nowhere.

  “We need a group picture,” my mother said. “Something to commemorate this night.”

  Kate leaned over and whispered, “I’m not sure it’s a good idea to have any proof this night ever happened.”

  I wasn’t familiar with Bucking Bronco’s. I didn’t even know what city we were in. But I knew without a doubt that I needed to stay sober as a judge. We all followed Rosemarie to the entrance where the bouncer was checking IDs. He was a huge black man with a bald head and muscles that didn’t fit inside his sleeves. And he took one look at us, and a grin split his face from ear to ear.

  He ushered us all in without looking at a single ID, and Scarlet gave him a complicated handshake as she walked by.

  “That’s what I’m talking about,” she said as I came up beside her. “I’ve got a weakness for bald black men. You might be minus one before the night is over.”

  I sighed. It was going to be a long night.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Rosemarie checked us in with the hostess and she showed us to the coat check area. It was then I really got a good look at everyone, and I wondered how we all existed on the same planet, much less in the same group.