Dice Mage: A GameLit Adventure

by Andrew Beymer

  As much as it chagrined his penis that he was even thinking ridiculous thoughts like that.

  Toga goddess stared. It was an unreadable expression, but if he were a betting man he would’ve put money down on her not being all that pleased that a mortal was taking her weird goddess powers in stride.

  “There is no worry of that,” she said. “Now come. Join me for a moment.”

  Mike was suddenly painfully aware of a straining in his shorts as she shrugged off her toga. She looked over her shoulder and smiled. She was beckoning him to come and join her, and with the way he was feeling right about then he was inclined to go along with it.

  Only he had a thought for Gwen. Oddly he also had a thought for Lisa.

  The faintest hint of a smile played across toga goddess’s mouth. As though she was amused by his thoughts. One of the drawbacks of hanging around with a being of some higher power who was clearly used to rummaging around in mortal minds.

  “It’s nice that you think of your women first,” she said. “But I can assure you that this is a taboo from your society that you will have to overcome before all is said and done.”

  Mike licked his lips. He’d heard of some stories that went this way, but never thought he’d find himself in the middle of one. Mostly because he’d never been the kind of guy who really needed some grand supernatural conspiracy on the part of the universe to get laid.

  No, working out and going to parties with his friends, on the nights he wasn’t at game night that is, had usually been enough. Before he met Christine and shut down the game, that is.

  “It’s precisely because you aren’t the kind of person who needs help getting the attention of women that you’ve been chosen, Mike,” toga chick said. “Now would you please come and join me?”

  “You know that’s getting really irritating the way you keep rummaging around in my head,” he said. “Think you could give it a rest?”

  “I could,” she said, favoring him with another smile. The kind of smile that had his guts twisting into knots. “But I’m not going to. What would be the point of having a power if I didn’t make use of it? Now come. Join me.”

  She moved into the water. It bubbled and steamed around her. Watching her step into that water was one hell of a distraction, and he found himself forgetting about Gwen. For a moment, at least.

  He figured it’s not like they’d locked down forever or anything like that. They’d had a little fun with each other in the back of a bakery that catered to drunks and stoners in between getting attacked by werewolves. Tale as old as time, really, when you got down to it.

  So he grinned a stupid grin as he stepped into the celestial hot tub. A celestial hot tub installed in a hack cliched depiction of heaven or some other higher realm where the gods hung out. The only thing that seemed out of place was the hot tub right in the middle of the cloud that was being held up despite everything he knew about water vapor not being a load bearing material.

  The view up above was almost as impressive as the view in the hot tub. Stars, more stars than he’d ever seen before in his life since he grew up in the suburbs where light pollution prevented him from getting a good look at the night sky, spread out towards infinity above him. They were in patterns he didn’t recognize, which made him wonder if he was looking at the stars from a perspective he didn’t understand, or maybe this was some other planet where the stars would look very different.

  The goddess smiled ever so slightly as he stepped into that water. He looked down and cursed as he realized the source of her amusement. He’d stepped in fully clothed, and was now soaked up to his ankles. The water was even lapping at the bottom of his shorts because he just kept going.

  There was something about having a hot goddess right there in front of him that got his attention and sort of short-circuited his brain into doing stupid things.

  “Um, give me a moment,” Mike said, quickly tossing everything off.

  He figured if the hot toga goddess was going to get into this thing completely naked then he was going to follow suit. When in Rome, and all that. Though he couldn’t be sure whether or not this girl was a Roman goddess or something else. It could be that she was some sort of tentacled alien from planet Zebulon V and she simply chose the form of a hot sorority girl in a toga because that was a form that was more pleasing to the locals.

  “This thought of life on other worlds is interesting,” she said. “But you need not worry yourself about that. I can assure you I am from earth, though maybe not earth as you know it.”

  Mike licked his lips as he settled into the warm water in nothing but his birthday suit. It felt good, and the experience was made all the more interesting by the company he was keeping.

  “Are you now?” he asked.

  She moved closer, and he made no move to stop her. He figured if a goddess asks you to hot tub with her, you say yes. Sure he was paraphrasing the immortal advice from his favorite ‘80s comedy just a little bit, but he figured the spirit was the same even if his situation was ever so slightly different.

  “You know you are the most promising player I think I’ve had in five cycles of this game,” she said.

  Mike’s hair stood on end. Yeah, she was definitely putting the moves on him. Which felt a little weird considering he’d been locked down with Christine for so long. There was still the lingering sense that what he was doing here was somehow wrong. That there was something about it that was almost cheating on Christine.

  Almost, but not quite. After all, she had dumped him and put his dice in a garbage disposal as a final “fuck you” on her way out the door.

  “And you can stop calling me toga goddess in your head,” the goddess said. “That’s so crass. I have a name you know.”

  “Oh really?” he asked.

  He was desperately trying to concentrate and not necessarily doing a good job of it considering she was inches away from him now. Parts of her that had caught his interest ever since the first time he saw her in the gym were pressing against him and the part of his brain that’d already been short-circuited was melting down now.

  “Oh yes,” she whispered, tantalizingly close to his ear. Close enough that it sent a shiver running through him. “Because we’re going to get a lot closer before this is all done.”

  “Um, so what should I call you?”

  “I’ve had a lot of names over the years,” she said, sliding one leg over his. “But you can call me Addison.”

  Mike wondered if she was fucking serious. He cocked his head to the side and looked at her. She was trying to do the whole seductive thing, but there was something about the name she’d just picked that had him just a little taken out of the moment. Like he was seriously trying not to laugh taken out of the moment.

  “What?” she asked, searching his face.

  “Addison?” he asked. “Seriously?”

  “What’s wrong with that?” she asked. “I thought that was supposed to be one of the most common names in your culture these days?”

  “Right Addison,” he said, still trying not to laugh. “So you’re like the goddess of asking to see the manager at some suburban mall or something?”

  Her face darkened. He got the feeling he was antagonizing her, and along with that came the sure feeling that it wasn’t a good idea to antagonize a goddess. There was a dangerous light behind her eyes. Like literally light as she glowed with whatever power was lurking back there.

  The kind of power that could burn him to a crisp if he wasn’t careful. The kind of power that might still burn him to a crisp even if he was careful about what he said.

  “Fine,” she said, pulling away from him and disentangling her legs from his. “If you’re going to mock me then we won’t do this the fun way.”

  27

  Cast Down

  Mike realized exactly what his big mouth had done just a touch too late. It’d been pretty obvious what she was going for, but there’d been a part of him that couldn’t believe a goddess was going to slum it with
a mere mortal. Especially a mere mortal she’d made it clear she wasn’t interested in as anything more than a plaything in this fucked up game she was playing.

  “Now hold on a second,” he said. “Things were starting to get interesting. We don’t have to…”

  “No,” she said, sounding like Christine when he’d done something to ruin the moment. Though to be fair with Christine something a simple as looking at her odd had usually been enough to ruin the moment, which had been an endless source of frustration.

  “No?” he said.

  “No,” she said. She waved a hand and he was back in his clothes. Still in the hot tub, to be sure, but back in his clothes. Which meant he was soaked through and through, damn it.

  “You did that on purpose,” he said.

  “So what if I did? I’ve given you allowances, but remember you’re the mortal and I’m the goddess here. Somehow you’ve reached the second step of the game despite your obliviousness.”

  The irritation was clear in her voice. Oh yeah. He’d fucked up. She waved her hand again and he stood at the edge of the hot tub looking down at her. Which meant he had a very tantalizing view of everything he wasn’t going to enjoy now that he’d gone and opened his big fucking mouth.

  “The second phase of the game?” he asked. “So more of those monsters chasing me?”

  He tried to keep his eyes off of what was on offer under the surface. Not because of any sense of modesty so much as because he didn’t want to look at what he wasn’t going to get to enjoy. Seriously, how many fucking guys got a chance to be with a goddess and ruined it because they couldn’t keep their mouth shut?

  If what she was saying about how often this whole game thing happened was anything to go on then he was willing to bet it’d been at least a few hundred years.

  “You’ve formed a group to aid you in your quest,” she said.

  “Yeah, you need a party if you’re going to survive in any game,” he said, letting some irritation creep back into his voice as well. “Duh.”

  “Whatever. If your modern terms make it easier for you to understand then yes. You formed a party. That is important. You are going to need companions and companionship if you’re to survive the game.”

  She emphasized companionship and sat up just a little in the hot tub. Just enough that he really got a good look at everything he’d be missing because of his big fucking mouth.

  “So what?” he asked. “Does that mean this is all some cheesy setup for me to bed a bunch of women? Is this just a bad setup for some pervy JRPG you have to import from Japan to play on your Vita?”

  She frowned and shook her head.

  “I swear. There are times when your mouth is moving, but nothing you say makes any sense. You are the most confusing player I’ve ever worked with as well as the most promising,” she said. “But I will have this victory!”

  “Um, right, so I guess that means I don’t have to bed the people in my party? I guess that’s kind of a relief since I’m not really into Sean or Ron like that and…”

  Her eyes went wide and she seemed to finally understand what he was getting at. She threw her head back and laughed.

  “Oh my,” she said. “The bonds that you form with the people in your party are important, to be sure, but you don’t form a bond like that. Although your position as a player will make you more… interesting to the fairer sex.”

  Mike licked his lips. That could make things interesting. Very interesting.

  “Nice of the universe to throw me a bone while it’s doing its best to kill me,” he muttered.

  “Oh this isn’t the universe doing its best to kill you,” Addison said. Just thinking about her name was enough to make his mouth quirk up in a half smile, but he wisely kept the reason for his amusement to himself this time around.

  Though from the irritated look she shot him it didn’t do him a damn bit of good. Right. She could peer into his mind and see what he was thinking. Shit.

  “It isn’t?” he asked.

  She moved through the water. Which revealed what was going on under the steam. Which only served to remind him of everything he’d lost by opening his big fucking mouth when he should’ve been keeping quiet and letting the nice goddess seduce him.

  “Oh yes,” she said. “This is a competition that goes back millennia, and there is nothing short of control over the world at stake.”

  Mike licked his lips again. “Control of the world?”

  “Yes. Control of the world,” she said. “There are forces beyond your comprehension arrayed against you, and if one of the wrong gods or goddesses happens to take control…”

  She shrugged. A fatalistic shrug that said it was no matter to her what happened to the world, though there was a look in her eyes that said she very much cared. Of course she was also an immortal goddess, so what was it to her if something bad happened? She could just wait around a few thousand years until things turned in her favor.

  “You’re talking evil taking over the world or something like that?” he asked. “Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we sort of have democratically elected leaders now and take care of things ourselves for the most part without worrying about gods or goddesses or evil overlords, so…”

  She laughed again. A soft and quiet laugh.

  “And you think that would continue if the wrong god or goddess were to win the game?” she asked. “You’re more naive than I thought. Your world hangs by a thread, and there are forces out there who are upset at being cut out of that world. Forces far more powerful than anything you could imagine. An ancient treaty is fraying, and this game is the thread holding it together. Win for your world.”

  Mike laughed. A nervous laugh. The kind of laugh he let out whenever things were going to shit. It was something that had always annoyed him because he laughed at the worst possible moments which had been a real joy with Christine, but it was also something he was stuck with.

  “At least if I lose it sounds like I’ll be dead, so it’s not like I’ll have much to worry about,” he said.

  “Selfish, to be sure,” she said, and then her smile grew more unpleasant. “Selfish and short-sighted. Who’s to say the same forces that would seek to overthrow your world and bring back some of the old order wouldn’t also be interested in plucking you out of the afterlife to torture you for all eternity?”

  Mike’s mouth went dry at that thought. He hadn’t ever been much of a believer. Sure he’d gone to church when he was younger, but that was more because he was from a small town where everyone was expected to go to church than because he ever felt any sort of religious fervor.

  The only thing that’d given him a touch of the religion when he was a kid was that youth groups were some of the best places to meet girls in small town America. At least it had been back when he was a young man. There was nothing hotter than breaking through a little bit of repression while making out and maybe getting a handy in the dark corners of a church lock-in.

  “Great,” he said. “Just fucking great. I don’t suppose you have any more advice?”

  “Nope,” she said. “End of the world and all that good stuff. I’ve already told you a little too much, but I was just so excited about how well you’ve been doing so far. Perhaps a little too excited.”

  She fanned herself, and for a brief moment Mike thought that maybe he was going to get a performance like what he’d been hoping for, but then her expression hardened and he knew any moment they might’ve been sharing was well and truly gone.

  That gave him a new twist on an old rule: when a goddess asks you to join her in the hot tub, you said yes! He figured he’d just ruined what was probably the opportunity of several lifetimes, and it pissed him off.

  “You realize this advice is less than useless, right?” he asked. “Defeat the big bad with the power of friendship? That’s really all you’re going to tell me?”

  If anything her frown deepened.

  “You know I don’t know if I like what humanity has become,
” she finally said. “It’s really not fun having you know all my tricks.”

  “So sorry for disappointing,” Mike said with an eye roll.

  “Still,” she said. “There is something to what you’re saying. Only by finding friends will you have any hope of success. Defeat the guardians and gather the eight artifacts to you. Become the champion I know you can be.”

  “The eight artifacts?” he asked, snorting. “You mean like fucking Mega Man?”

  She hit him with another one of those frowns he was pretty sure meant he’d just destroyed her expectations by making fun of something that was supposed to be a grand pronouncement or something. She muttered something under her breath in a language he didn’t understand.

  She did switch to English occasionally though. He caught bits about other players and wondering if the other gods and goddesses were having as much trouble with modern man as she was. He was pretty sure he was supposed to hear those bits since she said it in his language.

  There was a long pause. A slightly awkward pause. At least it was the kind of pause where he could enjoy the scenery. That was something.

  “Um, so is there anything else you were going to tell me?” he asked.

  “No, that’s it,” she said. “Time for you to go back and face down the werewolves hunting you.”

  “Wait, what?” he asked.

  “If you make it through this then who knows? You might even have another chance at the greatest glory you’re never going to know for now. We could’ve had so much fun with all the time we have in this little bubble of stopped time.”

  She winked, waved her hand, and Mike was blown off of the cloud. Not exactly a pleasant experience. He figured when he returned to the real world it would be one of those things where she snapped her fingers and he was back in his body, but no.

  He hurtled through the skies. He tumbled end over end, looking at the stars above and the stars below. Though as he got closer to those stars below he realized he wasn’t looking at stars below so much as he was looking at the twinkling lights of a town that looked sort of like the satellite map he saw on his phone whenever he was trying to find a new Chinese place to get takeout from and praying that this would be the night he didn’t get food poisoning.