Like a Fly on the Wall

by Simone Kelly

  I reached over to hug my mother, hoping to get one last feeling of life from her. I felt a sudden whoosh, as if an entity came into me from her chest and left through my back. I was filled with a sense of peace and calm. That was her. She really was sending me a sign. She had transitioned out of this life.

  I kissed her on her cold forehead and began to sob. “She’s gone! Mom’s gone!”

  Hicham ran into the room and stopped cold when he saw me. He fell to his knees by the bed.

  “I’ll come back soon. Sorry for your loss.” The nurse patted him on the shoulder. She wiped a tear from her eye and slipped from the room.

  “I’m so sorry, Mom! I never meant to hurt you!” Hicham choked out, groping for Mom’s cold hand.

  I stood up straight. “What do you mean? What do you mean?”

  Hicham was crying harder and not making much sense.

  “I grabbed her, I shook her. I was yelling and I think . . . I scared her. She was trying to get . . . away from me. That’s how she fell. I’m so sorry, I can’t stand it that she lied to me. They lied to me all my fucking life, Jacques!” He was sobbing. “Do you understand? All of my life!” He pointed toward her.

  I covered Mom’s face gently with the sheet. I didn’t want to see her like that anymore.

  “Ohhh, man. Jaaaaaay, Mommy’s dead! What are we gonna do nooooooow?” Hicham screamed at the top of his lungs.

  We hugged each other as I tried to quiet him down.

  “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?” I asked softly. “You lied, Hicham.” The news Kylie had dropped on me swirled around in my head, but I didn’t think now was the time. “That detective . . . is he still here?”

  “Fuck.” Hicham looked toward the door. “He was grilling me like he knew something.” He talked in a whisper now. “I don’t want to go to jail, Jacques. I didn’t mean it. I loved Mom. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.” He got up and paced in a circle. “What the hell are we going to do?” The loud bang of him punching the wall startled me. He rubbed his knuckles as if he hadn’t thought it would hurt.

  I was in a daze. My stomach churned. Was the detective going to talk to me next? I was worried for Hicham. I wasn’t sure if anyone had overheard his confession. He was so loud.

  I knew he didn’t kill Mom, but his anger caused her accident. I didn’t even believe all this was happening! She was here just yesterday and now she was gone. Now we had to call everyone and plan her funeral. What were we going to do? My mom was gone! I didn’t want to believe this had happened because of my digging. I felt hollow inside. I would do anything to have her yell at me now. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. It was all my fault.

  Chapter 24

  Jacques

  Two weeks after the funeral, I could still smell the faint scent of Mom’s cooking. It was as if it lived in the walls, danced throughout her vibrant paintings, sat deeply in the worn cushions of her couch. The apartment had a distinct scent, her scent.

  I felt as if she were still with us. I tried not to cry as we taped up boxes and prepared yet another pile of clothing for Goodwill. Hicham stacked two boxes of Mom’s albums in a corner.

  The funeral took its toll on us. We had a lot of volunteers helping us early on to pack up clothes and books for the church, but even they drained us after a while with their endless questions.

  Hicham rambled as he cut duct tape for the boxes. “I’m so tired of all these church people. I know they mean well, but it’s like they know. Like they know about Mom, about me, about everything. That Miss Rita is very nosy, poking around. You saw how she was looking at Mom’s clothes like she wanted them for herself? I think she bagged a couple of dresses in her big-ass purse.”

  “Really?” I laughed, knowing Miss Rita was definitely a character. “I don’t think they know, though. Maybe they know about her relationship with Benny, but not about you. I highly doubt Miss Rita was stealing dresses. You’re always exaggerating!”

  “Nah, kid, that’s my word! For real though!” We laughed.

  Suddenly, we heard keys jingling. The door opened slowly. My heart jumped.

  Hicham got up quickly with the scissors in his hand. “What the fuck?!”

  Benny slowly cracked the door open and looked shocked to see us. “Oh! You’re still here?”

  “Wait, what are you doing here?” Hicham shouted. “When did you get a key?”

  “Uh, I’m sorry. . . . Ahhhhh, yes, I had an extra key. Your mother gave it to me. I just came to get some of my things. Things . . . Marguerite was holding for me. It’s just a few items.” He proceeded to walk toward the back.

  I stood in his path. “Well, you know you have my number, right, Benny? Don’t you think the respectable thing to do would be to call before coming? I mean, this is crazy! You can’t just walk in here like . . . like it’s okay.” I was furious.

  Hicham came close to us, forming a triangle. His nostrils flared and his hands were in the air. “You see, Jacques, you see? And you want me to respect this man? A man who shows us none! He’s just rolling up in here. Straight disrespect!” He pointed to Benny’s hand. “And you have a fucking key? Really, man?”

  I put my hand up to quiet Hicham down.

  Benny shocked us with a stern reply and finger pointing. “I’ve had just about enough of your mouth, young man. I don’t think you know who you are talking to. I know you’re hurting and so am I. So am I! Your mother was my . . . she was everything to me! She was my world. Look, I’m sorry.” He turned to me. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Yes, your mother and I were good friends. Closer than friends.”

  “Finally! You admit that shit!” Hicham shouted.

  “Yes, I loved her dearly. Please let me just get my stuff. I don’t want to argue. I’ll be out of your way in five minutes.”

  “What is this stuff? I’ll get it. Where is it?” Hicham was trying hard to get a rise out of him.

  The air in the room was dense. My stomach flip-flopped. I didn’t like the energy one bit.

  Benny took a deep breath. I could see the rage and sadness about to explode in him. He looked down at the floor and shuffled his feet with embarrassment. “It’s in the bedroom.”

  “Wowww. Really?” I said with a smirk. This guy really had a lot of balls.

  “I’ll get it. Where in the bedroom?” Hicham looked at Benny with contempt, as if he couldn’t believe this was really happening.

  He walked toward the back. Benny and I followed. I paused in the hallway in front of the bedroom door. Hicham stood by the head of the bed, waiting to see what Benny would do. Benny slowly walked over to the right side of the bed by the window. He knelt down next to the nightstand and started packing items from the drawer into the big duffel bag he brought with him.

  Hicham was loud and belligerent. “Is this really happening, Jacques?” Hicham pretended as if Benny weren’t there. “Look at this.” He waved his hands wildly. “The truth finally comes out. Finally!”

  I moved into the room. “All right, man, enough. Just let him get his things.”

  Benny proceeded to clean out the top drawer of Mom’s nightstand, removing some clothes and what looked like photos.

  Hicham shook his head. He wanted to make a statement. “I’m just saying. Be a man already, Benny. Just keep it one hundred!” He turned to me. “You see this shit right here? It is an insult to my intelligence. Our intelligence, Jacques! Just friends? Do friends have a whole week’s worth of underwear over at another friend’s house?”

  Benny’s voice got stern and low, like a father. “Look, like I said before. We were closer than friends. I don’t want to be here for very long. If you would stop taunting me, I could be out of here sooner. It’s time to grow up, Hicham! This is as difficult for me as it is for you.”

  “Grow up? What?” Hicham yelled.

  I put my hand on Hicham’s chest for him to chill out, then said to Benny, “We now know the truth, Benny. I don’t know why you didn’t just admit it when I asked you the first time.”
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  “I . . . I couldn’t . . . It wasn’t the right time.” He blew out air.

  I was sick of him always dancing around the issue. “Well, you have to understand why we are upset!”

  “Ohhhh nooo!” Hicham chimed in. “He don’t need to understand shit. This is his joint.” He waved his hands around the bedroom. “This niggah probably paying the mortgage!”

  Goose bumps formed on my arms as I remembered that Kylie said his name was on the deed along with ours. I hadn’t told Hicham about that yet. Benny finished packing his last T-shirt and stood up.

  “What else you got, Benny?” Hicham asked. “Anything else we should know about?”

  Benny gave Hicham a warning with just one look. “I’d appreciate it if you lowered your voice with me, son. I’ve had about enough!” Fire flared in his eyes. I actually jumped at how he raised his voice. Hicham didn’t flinch.

  “Oh, son now? You finally admit it!” Hicham moved in like a bully in the schoolyard.

  “I’m leaving.” Benny slung his now fully loaded duffel bag over his arm.

  Hicham blocked the door.

  “Oh, don’t leave now.” Benny’s face got tight as he clenched his jaw. It was eerie how much he reminded me of my brother when he got upset. “We’re just getting to the good part.”

  “Hicham, what the hell?” I shouted. “Just let it go. He’s obviously not going to admit anything.” I shook my head, disappointed in both of them.

  “It’s only right! Mom died and the only man I knew as my father died.” He looked into Benny’s eyes. “You are the only parent I got left!”

  Benny lowered his eyes. There was an awkward silence. He adjusted the bag on his shoulder and stood up tall. His voice was steady, low, and firm. “You know, Hicham, you are just about fresh out of time with the disrespect. I might be in my sixties, but I’m not a fool or a weakling. You know, I was ready to talk to you man-to-man, to tell you. Yes! I am your father, but I’m disappointed in how this turned out. I spent years and years playing it over in my head how you would react. I knew it wouldn’t be good, at first, but I didn’t realize just how cruel you could be.”

  Hicham jumped in his face. “Cruel! And you’re just telling me this shit. Twenty-seven years later! Now that’s cruel! That’s fuckin’ evil!”

  Benny pushed him back and stood his ground. “You are a spoiled, foul-mouthed kid who has no idea. No damn idea what it took to raise you!”

  “Raise me? Man, please . . . You ain’t raise me!” Hicham looked at me. I stood between them like a referee, hoping it wouldn’t come to blows. I was curious to know what he meant, too.

  I felt the passion in Benny’s heart answer us before he could say a word.

  “Who do you think took care of you on weekends?” He beat his chest with one fist. “Me.” His voice got even louder. “When you were in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, you think that was a coincidence? Who do you think bought you your first pet turtle? Me! Who the hell do you think paid for your college tuition? That’s right, me!” He slapped his chest. “Fishing trips, camping, sneakers, clothes . . . me, me, me!” He started to walk away. His voice cracked as he said, “I can’t take this shit anymore!”

  I saw nothing but pink around his aura, which represented love, and a bit of red, since he was furious. But he was being honest. I felt him.

  Hicham and I stood there in shock, speechless—especially since we’d never seen him angry before, much less curse. He didn’t stop. “Your first car? Me!” He took off his bag and started to go through some of the things he’d packed. He took out a photo in a frame. He passed it to Hicham, who slowly held out a hand for it.

  “Yo . . . What the hell! You never told me. How were we supposed to know?” Hicham passed it to me. It was a photo of Benny holding Hicham as a toddler. He was smiling like a proud dad.

  I held the photo up. “Yeah, you gotta realize this is some crazy stuff to take in, Benny,” I said. “So many secrets. It’s like our childhood . . . well, Hicham’s childhood was a lie!”

  “You know, I can’t say that I’m proud of what I did. It was dishonest to you both, to my wife, and to your father. We made bad choices, but it was because of love. Just never ever say I wasn’t there, because I was always there!” He looked into Hicham’s eyes. “I even saved your first magazine article. I . . . I still have it.” Tears flowed down Benny’s face and he wiped them away swiftly. “You must understand I loved Marguerite. She wanted this.”

  I shook my head and Hicham mumbled sarcastically, “Right, love . . .” He started to weaken his stance as tears dripped down his face. He was in shock, now that the truth he never really wanted to hear was finally confirmed.

  “Were you ever gonna tell me?” He paced up and down the living room. “All my life I have been a Berradi. I’ve been proud of my Moroccan roots, I believed in my roots . . . and now I find out that I’m not that dude? I’m a fuckin’ fraud.” He looked at me and laughed. “A straight white boy?”

  I reassured him. “Hicham, you were raised by Berradis, so you are a Berradi.”

  “No, no, no. Bullshit. I’m fucking one hundred percent white boy—half French, half Guido!” He laughed. “This is a joke, for real!” He looked up at the ceiling. “Thanks, God! Funny shit. You a comedian, man!” He pointed at Benny. “You did this, because you didn’t man up! You could have told me countless times. I was old enough in Cub Scouts to understand!”

  Benny broke his silence. “I wanted to tell you, believe me. You are my only child! But I only could help behind the scenes. Your mother was protecting your father’s name, and yours. Call me what you want, but I loved your mom. I loved her with all my heart.” Benny started choking up as he talked. Tears streamed down his face. “I would do anything for her, anything she asked. Anything! You boys were her world. Her jewels.”

  I felt a sharp jolt in my stomach. It was starting to come together now. I remembered that back then I always thought Hicham was the favorite and that he was spoiled. Turns out his dad was fronting the bill and financing things behind the scenes.

  They started to walk to the living room slowly. “So, did my dad know about you? He didn’t suspect y’all?” Hicham asked.

  “Yeah, how did he feel?” I was analyzing Benny’s body movements and tone.

  “Oh no, no . . . he didn’t.” Benny scratched his head. I sensed his nervousness. He knew I was examining him.

  “Did you have something to do with my dad drowning?” Hicham asked. “Did you? Did y’all set that up?”

  Benny looked horrified. “Of course not! That’s absurd. No, no, no . . . that’s crazy. That was a tragedy.”

  A loud thump startled us. A photo had fallen off the mantelpiece.

  “Man, listen . . . I just don’t know about you,” Hicham hissed. “I don’t trust anything out of your mouth. You wait twenty-seven years to tell me this shit. Something is fishy!”

  “Look, Hicham, let’s cool down and tomorrow . . . I would like to speak with you man-to-man. I would like to talk to you more. I want us to start over.” He looked at his watch. “I am late for a meeting at church. I am counseling someone. I would like to come back here and finish talking even later tonight, if that is okay.”

  “Yeah, okay.” Hicham looked pissed and relieved at the same time.

  I stepped into their space. “What you and Mom did wasn’t right. Make it right, man.” I looked into Benny’s eyes. “That’s all I ask is that you make it right.” I put my hand on his shoulder.

  “I will. Jacques, you’ve always been a good kid. Understanding and very kind. Your mom was very proud of you.”

  My eyes started to water. I’d never ever heard that before.

  “You have my word,” Benny said.

  “I’ll call before I come later.” He smiled, cleared his throat, and dried his eyes before walking out. The door shut loudly behind him.

  Hicham whispered in disbelief. “Yo, he’s my father.” He plopped down on the couch.

  I walked over to the photo
on the floor and picked it up. “Yes, he is, Hicham, but just give it a bit of time. We’ll get it all sorted out. I know we have to work on healing right now. Just give it time.”

  The photo was of my father and us in the park. Chills ran through me. I know that was my father sending us a message. There was so much more to this story.

  I poured myself a glass of water in the kitchen. “What made you ask that question, Hicham?”

  “What?”

  “About his having something to do with Dad dying?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t shake the feeling that they wanted him out the way. I can’t see how they could have done it, though. Wasn’t there an autopsy and shit?”

  “You know, I don’t know. We were kids. We just believed what they told us. I hope you’re wrong.” But deep down inside, I felt the same way.

  I sat down next to Hicham on the couch. We didn’t speak. We looked toward the large windows to watch the sun set behind the New York City skyline.

  A loud chime startled us, breaking the silence. There was a new text message on my cell from Kylie.

  KYLIE COLLINS: Hey . . . I think I can find out more about your dad’s case. I got a direct contact now. Vince is the man. He knows everyone!

  JACQUES: You might be able to get the answers we need! Wow. I will call you shortly. A new development. Your timing is crazy.

  KYLIE COLLINS: Sounds juicy! Can you talk?

  JACQUES: Not yet. Hicham here. But I want you to research Benny some more. I am hoping I am wrong, but I think he may have been involved with my father’s death. I have a hunch he at least knows something, heard something.

  KYLIE COLLINS: What? If you have a hunch, I know it’s serious! lol Okay, I got you, we’ll get to the bottom of it all. Don’t worry, Jacques, karma’s a bitch. Secrets can’t be hidden forever. The truth is always revealed.

  Chapter 25

  Kylie

  As much as my mom and I have had our battles over the years, I can’t imagine ever losing her. It’s even worse when death is unexpected. If she was sick, you could at least prepare for it, but just dying from a sudden accident is devastating! To make matters worse, poor Jacques was getting the hint that his dad died by foul play. It was a lot to take in.