Fear of Falling

by Catherine Lanigan

  “My goodness, I had no idea. I don’t play on the internet, so I don’t know about all these things.” Mrs. Beabots gave Olivia a soft smile. “What I will tell you is that even back in the sixties, photographers were exposed to derision in their own way, as well. If their photos didn’t sell to the nondiscerning masses, they didn’t keep their jobs, either. Francesco Scavullo may have been the top fashion photographer back then, but he had to get started just like you must do. He had to take that first step.”

  “I know, but—”

  “You’ve already taken the first step, Olivia. Your heart is leading you to do the right thing. Now you have to keep at it. Send a hundred inquiries, if you must, until someone hires you or buys your photographs. Don’t leave a single stone unturned. You’re not a whole person until you explore all the facets of your talent. You’re just beginning to understand the depth of your courage. Just how far will you go to reach your dream? Take chances and see what happens. If you fall or fail, get back up on that horse and ride it. That’s what life is about—taking chances and making mistakes, and hopefully, you will learn from those errors.”

  Olivia looked down at the pretty blouse and skirt. “You know, I used to have pretty things like this in my closet. In high school, you know? But ever since then, I mean, after my father left, there hasn’t been any money for nice things for either me or my mom. I was thinking that if I could sell some of my photographs, maybe I could help her out a little more. We could even take a trip to Florida like she wants.”

  Mrs. Beabots put her hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “So thoughtful and giving. That’s what I’ve always seen in you, Olivia. Your generosity. It spills out of every pore. Sarah is like that, too. All my girls have that quality, and that’s why I don’t mind doing extra little things for them when they need it. You keep the blouse and skirt. I won’t wear them again. Too young.”

  “Are you really sure?”

  “Of course, my dear.” She smiled. “And the pearls. I’d rather you have them now than after I’m dead.”

  “Don’t talk like that!” Olivia gasped. “You’re the youngest person I know, in spirit.”

  “I believe in biting off a huge hunk of life every day. Spend your hours wisely, Olivia, no matter what your age. You can’t get them back.”

  “I’ll remember that. Thank you for all this.” She followed Mrs. Beabots out of the big closet and into her enormous silver, gray and pink bedroom, complete with Art Deco daybed and two matching club chairs around a white marble-faced fireplace. She checked her watch. “I’d better get going. I still have to change and get my soufflé out of the oven.”

  Mrs. Beabots led the way to the front door and as she opened it she asked, “Olivia, when were you going to tell me about Rafe?”

  Olivia drew up short, her eyes wide. “Who told you? Sarah? Maddie?”

  “Why, no one’s said a word, dear,” Mrs. Beabots answered sincerely.

  “So you were guessing that there’s something between us?”

  “Not exactly.” Mrs. Beabots smiled compassionately and said, “I saw you at the race with him. In the winner’s circle, remember? When he kissed you, you closed your eyes as if you were drinking in every nuance of the moment. That wasn’t the first time he kissed you, was it?”

  “Oh, no. You could tell that, too?”

  “Actually, that was a guess. I purposely used that horse-riding metaphor earlier to test you. You smiled ever so slightly when I said that. That’s when I knew. So, you like him?”

  Olivia nodded. “I know I shouldn’t.”

  “Why on earth not?” Astonishment filled her eyes. “He’s from a good family, and from what I know of him, he seems pretty levelheaded. I know he’s a hard worker and takes his responsibilities seriously. These days, that’s saying a lot.”

  “It’s all too fast. I feel like I’ve been hit by lightning or something. I think about him all the time. I’ve never been like that about a guy. I’m hoping I’ll see him this evening, but I’m not sure. And if I don’t, I’ll be very disappointed.”

  “So it’s the same fear that has kept you from contacting publishers for your photographs? You’re afraid you won’t measure up.”

  “Is that it?”

  Mrs. Beabots kissed Olivia on the cheek. “It was until you hit Send on your computer. In your heart is where you’ll find courage, Olivia.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  ALL THE SHOWER guests except Liz and Olivia had left the party before the sun started to set. What little food was left over, Olivia packed up in plastic containers and left in Gina’s refrigerator. She filled an insulated canvas tote with the last of her serving pieces and recounted the coffee cups in the sectioned cardboard storage box.

  “Hi,” Rafe said, walking into the kitchen. The navy cotton shirt he wore accentuated his eyes, which blazed across the room and took her breath away.

  “Hi,” she managed to say, although her mouth had gone dry and her nerves were on high alert.

  She hadn’t seen him at all today and wondered if anyone had noticed how many times she’d glanced out the living room window toward the stable and the training track. Finally, she’d figured he must not be home. She hadn’t seen Mica, either, and Liz and Maddie had told her Gabe and Nate were back at their respective houses. Olivia could only assume that the two Barzonni men who still lived on the farm had gone somewhere else for supper.

  “Is the coast clear?” Rafe asked. The sound of his boot heels against the ceramic tile floor sounded so sure. Steady.

  Olivia couldn’t have moved if her life depended on it. She clutched the straps of the tote so he wouldn’t see that she was shaking. Was he going to kiss her? Apparently, he liked to pick odd times and locations for kisses. Horse barns and winners’ circles. A kitchen was closer to normalcy. She had to give him that. “Everyone is gone,” she said eventually.

  “Even my mother?” He moved closer.

  Olivia could smell the spice and leather she remembered, and warmth seemed to radiate off him. She wished he wouldn’t stand this close to her unless he was going to take her in his arms. Another minute or two of being this near to him, enduring this kind of anticipation, would surely cause a stroke.

  Oh, great. I’m perspiring. That must be really attractive.

  She could feel droplets forming at her temples. “Uh, your mom is having a glass of champagne with Liz. Well, I mean, Liz has ice water...” His mouth was curling into a mischievous grin.

  “I was thinking,” he whispered, taking another step toward her.

  She dropped her eyes to his lips, already feeling them on her mouth. “What?”

  “I thought I’d make one of your dreams come true.”

  How could he know what she was dreaming about? Was she that transparent? Her eyes flew up to his as he broke into a huge smile. “And that would be—”

  He reached for the tote and took the straps out of her hand. “Come on. I’ll help you pack this stuff up and then you’re mine for the rest of the night.”

  “Um, Rafe?” She hesitated. What had he meant by the rest of the night? She furrowed her brows in bewilderment.

  He laughed again. “You’re so much fun, Olivia. You should see your face. I’m not going to hurt you. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

  Was he insinuating she was a coward? She squared her shoulders. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what this is about.”

  “Killjoy.” He chuckled. “We’re going to the stable.”

  “Oh.”

  “My surprise involves Rowan.”

  “Oh!” she said brightly, grabbing her purse off the kitchen counter. “Let’s load the van, then.”

  * * *

  RAFE LED ROWAN out of his stall and put a Western riding saddle on his back. He placed the bit in the horse’s mouth and straightened the
leather bridle strap around Rowan’s ears.

  “What are you doing?” she asked as Rafe straightened the saddle over the saddle blanket. Her stomach fluttered with anticipation.

  “What does it look like? I thought we’d go for a ride.”

  Now her stomach was doing backflips. She took three steps back toward the door. “No. I can’t. Rafe, you don’t understand. I’ve never been on a horse in my life.”

  Rafe kept working and without looking at her he said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

  “But I don’t know the first thing about—” She flapped her hands at the reins and bridle. “About that stuff.”

  “You’ll be fine. I’m with you,” he said, going to Pegasus’s stall. She was already saddled, so he led her out with the reins.

  Olivia couldn’t believe Rafe wasn’t taking any of her objections seriously. He acted as if she was going to get up on Rowan’s back and ride him. The idea was ludicrous. Not even when she used to go to Sarah’s dressage classes had she ever climbed up on horseback.

  “So,” Rafe said. “I’ll be riding Pegasus. Rowan is all yours.”

  Olivia shook her head back and forth while giving Rafe a diffident smile. “Oh, no, I’m not. Rowan is a highly trained sportsman-animal-horse...whatever. He’s used to expert jockeys, not neophytes,” Olivia babbled. “I can’t—”

  Rafe circled around Olivia and knelt down, one hand on the stirrup and the other hand on her bare ankle. “You have to do this. Through your camera you experience animals in a way most humans can’t dream of, but you can’t truly understand horses till you’ve been on one. And having a rider is natural for Rowan. Allow me to do this for you,” he said with such earnest sincerity that Olivia nearly melted on the spot. But it wasn’t enough to quell the terrifying scenarios whirling around in her mind. She could fall off Rowan’s back, or he could break a leg...and Rafe would be forced to shoot his prize horse. She closed her eyes. She had to calm her overactive imagination. What she needed was a reasonable, acceptable excuse not to ride.

  “Rafe, I’m not dressed for riding,” she tried. “I didn’t bring any riding clothes. And I’m wearing a skirt!”

  “You’ve got tights on, though, right? That’ll work.”

  “I can’t do this.”

  “Sure you can. Rowan loves you. I’ll keep it to a trot. No racing or even galloping, but I want you to know what it’s like to be part of him. You can’t know Rowan unless you ride him.”

  Olivia placed her hand on Rafe’s forearm and felt the strength of his taut muscles. “I’m scared.”

  “I’ll show you the way.” He looked at the stirrup. “Just slide your foot in here. I’ll hoist you up. Then swing your right leg over the back of the saddle. Nothing to it.”

  Olivia did just as he instructed and in one swift and all-too-simple movement, she was sitting on Rowan’s back. She’d expected her fear to roil in her stomach forever, but once she was in the saddle, her nerves eased. Oddly, everything felt natural. Safe.

  As Rafe handed her the reins, their fingers touched, causing a thrill to shoot straight to Olivia’s heart.

  He gazed at her with such confidence that he put the last of her trepidation to death.

  “Put the right rein in your right hand and the left one in your left. He’s so smart you don’t even have to tell him anything. But basically, you steer him like you would a sled. You do the same thing with your thighs. Gentle pressure from either thigh helps him know which way to go. Pull back and he stops. That’s enough instruction for now.”

  Olivia drew assurance from Rafe’s even tone and realized that Rowan hadn’t bucked her off. He was peaceful with Olivia. Perhaps their heartfelt bond went even deeper than she’d thought. “I’m really going to do this.”

  “Uh-huh.” Rafe looked at her quizzically and then asked, “Do you think you’ll be warm enough? Why don’t I get a couple sweatshirts out of the tack room.”

  “Thanks,” she said as Rowan snorted and jerked his head up. He took a couple steps backward, and suddenly she didn’t know how to control him. Her heart pounded. She gripped the reins tightly, but still he seemed to squirm. Rafe kept walking away as if nothing was happening.

  “Rafe?” Olivia called.

  “Be right back!” He waved and continued through the door to the tack room.

  Olivia’s fears ignited like a brush fire. What if she fell off? What if Rowan got spooked by a snake or critter out there in the woods and bolted? What if she was responsible for Rowan taking chances he shouldn’t take and then he got hurt because of her inexperience?

  To her relief, Rafe returned a moment later with two hooded sweatshirts, which he tucked into a roll and strapped onto Pegasus’s saddle.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t do this, after all,” she said. “I hope you’ll understand.”

  Rafe came over and put his hand on the saddle horn. “See this? It’s like a handrail on a staircase. Well, almost. Hang on to it until you get used to the sway of the ride. You’ll be fine.”

  “What if he bolts and then when he’s running he breaks his leg and can never race again? It would be all my fault and you’d never forgive me and then I’d feel guilty and heartbroken and—”

  Rafe put his hand on her knee and squeezed. “Olivia! Stop. That’s not going to happen. No wonder you’re a photographer. You have such an imagination.”

  “I never use my imagination in my photos. I shoot the real thing,” she corrected him.

  “Great. Well, if you ever need a second career, you could write stories to go with your photographs. Probably make a fortune,” he said, putting his hand on Rowan’s snout and leading him out of the stable.

  Olivia hung on to the horn with white fingers while she waited for Rafe to bring Pegasus out to join them. He moved ahead of Olivia and signaled to Rowan with a cluck of his tongue.

  “I thought we’d just ride down to the fields,” Rafe said. “Mica and I planted all the corn and pickles this week. We’re still ten days or so away from planting the tomatoes.”

  Rafe rode right beside her, which gave her a huge measure of comfort and security. Olivia was astounded at how far off the ground she felt. All these years, she’d despised the idea of horse racing because of the gambling that her father had been addicted to and what agony he’d brought down on her mother. She realized she feared riding because it put her one notch closer to becoming just like him. But now her perspective began to alter.

  Rafe leaned over and stroked Rowan’s neck. “He’s really terrific, isn’t he?”

  “Yes,” she replied. She was still holding the horn, the reins bunched up under her stiff hands.

  “Do you feel confident enough to let go of the horn and just hold the reins?”

  “Not really.” She chuckled nervously. “But I will.”

  “He knows you’re nervous, so he’ll be understanding.”

  “Rafe, he’s a racehorse. He’s a champion and he’s going to want to run and his genes precondition him to being as nervous as I am and—”

  Rafe laughed again. “Boy, you sure do ramble, don’t you? This isn’t an ordinary horse, Olivia. This horse knows you probably better than I do.”

  “I wouldn’t say that,” she countered.

  “I would. He knows your soul in a way I can only hope to.”

  Olivia was speechless. Rowan was Rafe’s pride and at this point in his life, she’d guess, his reason for being. His passion. Yet, he was admitting that she had a special place in Rowan’s heart that Rafe didn’t own. Was that true? And how could he tell? Just from the way the horse greeted her and tried to put his head around her? Was that it? Or something more? Perhaps Rowan was being extra cautious with her on his back because he loved her. Was this peacefulness that Olivia felt unusual for Rowan? She couldn’t stop the smile that crept onto her lips as confidenc
e settled over her shoulders and spine.

  “Let go of the horn and trust,” Rafe said gently, reaching over and placing his hand on hers. They rode a few steps farther. “You’ll be fine.”

  His voice was calm and reassuring. She’d told herself since the beginning of spring that this was a new season for her. This year she would be bold. That was what Rafe wanted from her now. He had faith in her. She needed to have faith in herself.

  Olivia let loose of the horn in one quick motion. She held the reins just as he instructed.

  “Now feel the pressure of your thighs. Don’t dig into him because that’s his signal to run. Just flex them a bit so you feel the difference. There, that’s good. Keep your back straight. Yes. Like that. Now, Olivia, I want you to do something else for me.”

  “What?” she asked nervously. There was so much to remember and it all felt foreign.

  “Enjoy the scenery.” He smiled and pointed to the east. “See the full moon rising over there? The sun will set in a bit, and if we’re lucky we’ll get a wonderful sunset.”

  “Maddie said there was a gorgeous one the other night at the lake. Everything was pink. The sky. The water. It must have been amazing.”

  “A sunset reflected in water is very beautiful,” he mused. “That gives me an idea. Use your reins to turn Rowan to the right down that little dirt path where we run the tractors to the next field. I want to show you something.”

  Olivia followed Rafe and Pegasus down the narrow dirt road. Up ahead, she saw a thick grove of trees that were beginning to leaf out. There were three huge weeping willows and a cluster of spreading maples. As they drew near, she spied a large pond and around the water’s edge, fat Canadian geese sat in the spring grass. The scene was idyllic and reminded her of an Impressionist painting.