A Pair of Aces

by Joe R. Lansdale

  "No," Albert said quickly, "he was just funning."

  "No, I think he called me a coward."

  "He did that all right," one of the men in the crowd said, helpful-like.

  Billy Bob turned to the man. "You think so?"

  "Certain," this big-mouthed fella answered.

  "It don't amount to nothing," Albert said, "just some old man shooting off wind. He most likely don't know Wild Bill from a pine knot."

  "No," the big mouth said, "that there is the real Texas Jack, and he once backed down Wild Bill."

  "The hell he did," Billy Bob said. "That's a lie. He didn't never back down no Wild Bill Hickok." He put his hands on his gun butts.

  "Well," Big Mouth said, sort of fading back in the crowd a bit, "that's still Texas Jack."

  Billy Bob looked at Albert, then he looked at me, then he looked at the crowd, which had started to shuffle.

  Albert cleared his throat. "Ladies and gents, we going to bring on ole Rot Toe, the wrestling ape now. He's from the same place my folks come from, Africa."

  "And he looks like your grandpa." It was Big Mouth again. Some of the crowd laughed.

  Albert smiled like that was the kindest thing ever said about him. "Well now, that just might be for true, just might be. We colored boys ain't always sure who our folks are."

  That got a big laugh. It sort of made me sick to see Albert do that even if he was trying to turn the crowd's attention from Billy Bob and onto something new.

  Albert led the crowd over to the ring, and Billy Bob, still standing like a cow that had gotten a lick from the butcher hammer, looked over to me and said, "Did that Texas Jack call me a coward? Was he making 'a showdown?"

  "I didn't get it that way," I said.

  "Yeah," he said, like he wasn't really asking my thoughts, just thinking out loud, "I reckon he did. Do you think that was the real honest-to-God Texas Jack?"

  "He don't look a thing like he was described in them dime novels, so I don't reckon it is."

  "No. No he doesn't," Billy Bob said, and he walked back to the wagon kind of hangdog-looking.

  I let out a sigh, figuring things were going to be all right, you know, and I went on over to the wrestling ring. When I got there, Albert had gotten Big Mouth to cough up some money and get in with Rot Toe.

  Rot Toe was on a leash inside the pen, the leash was attached to one of the ring poles. He was also wearing a muzzle and gloves so he couldn't bite or tear an arm or leg off a fella. Big Mouth, who was pretty good-sized, had his shirt off and was holding his hands wide and waving them around like he was about to do some serious damage on that Jungle ape.

  "Now you give my grandpa a real hard time, hear me, Mister?" Albert said.

  Big Mouth grinned at Albert through the netting. "I'm gonna choke him plumb to death."

  "You do that," Albert said. "We can always make plenty more nigger grandpas, can't we?"

  Big Mouth laughed. The crowd moved up close to the ring. Albert turned and saw me. He wasn't smiling like he had been. "Let Rot Toe go, Little Buster."

  I went around to the other side and took the leash and 'collar off of him. "Go get him," I said.

  And he did.

  Big Mouth grinned when Rot Toe turned and started across for him, and I guess it was them red silk shorts we made Rot Toe wear for decency that made Big Mouth in a good humor. They were funny. But when Rot Toe dropped down to running on his knuckles, or rather them big, padded gloves, and Big Mouth seen the spit coming out between the muzzle straps, the color faded out of his eyes. It was too late for him to back down, and he'd already made a horse's ass out of himself in front of all them people, saying how he'd strangle Rot Toe and all.

  Rot Toe grabbed Big Mouth by the head and leg tossed him on the floor of the ring and jumped on him a bit. Big Mouth crawled off toward the netting, trying to find the place where Albert had parted it to let him in. But Rot Toe was used to that trick and he grabbed up Big Mouth again, this time by the feet, and slung him around in a circle, whipping him up in the air now and then like a bull whacker trying to crack a whip. Finally he let go and Big Mouth hit the netting and flopped back on the floor, his face and bare upper body marked with red net marks.

  "You about to tire him," Albert chanted at Big Mouth. "Stay with it, he looks real weak."

  Big Mouth screwed his face up, rolled to his feet, and yelled to Rot Toe. "Come get me, you ugly nigger."

  Rot Toe grunted and waddled toward Big Mouth. Big Mouth ducked and rushed in on Rot Toe, grabbed him around the middle, tried to pick him up for a body slam. Rot Toe wasn't going for it though. He locked his gloved fingers into the edges of Big Mouth's pants and pulled them down with a jerk, which was another thing he did kind of regular which I forgot to mention.

  Big Mouths big, white butt was poking out at the crowd and ladies screamed at the sight of it, which seemed reasonable to me. I sort of felt like screaming. A few of the ladies, sticking to the fashion of the day, fainted, and there was one or two that just stared like maybe they was in shock. The men were laughing so hard it darn near drowned out Big Mouth's cussing and the sound of his feet as he beat a hasty circle around and around the ring.

  You see, Rot Toe had run him the rest of the way out of his pants and was lazily following him on all fours, paying about half a mind to what was in front of him, and the rest of it to the crowd, which was cheering him on. Way Rot Toe bared his teeth looked a whole lot like a happy kid smiling.

  Rot Toe finally got tired of the game, caught up with Big Mouth, snatched his feet out from under him and flung him up against the netting a few times, then dusted the floor with him six or seven strikes, and wandered off in a corner to pick at fleas on his chest.

  Big Mouth inched his head around to sight Rot Toe, then started crawling for the spot where Albert had let him in "Let me out," he was whispering, "let me out."

  Albert was laughing so hard, looked as if he was going to go to his knees. Me and the crowd weren't doing bad neither.

  Albert unhitched the place where the net lapped over, and Big Mouth, looking a lot less full of himself, crawled between it and flopped his naked butt to the ground.

  A tall, gangly fella with a nose like a sun-dried cucumber smiled at Big Mouth and said, "Think you got him strangled yet, Harmon?"

  Harmon didn't say a word. He stood up, and stiff as a soldier on parade, he walked off, his white rear end spotted with dirt, the sound of laughter rumbling like little, sharp thunders behind him.

  When it turned dark, Albert hit the stage lanterns and got ready for Billy Bob to make his Cure-All talk. But two things happened right off to upset the apple cart. When I slipped behind the curtain to get Billy Bob to tell him it was time, he was gone. Wild Bill was still on the hand truck, and he was at the end of Billy Bob's stoop, his guns still cocked and pointing to where Billy Bob slept.

  I went over to the head of the stoop and seen there was a dime novel lying there, parted, facedown. I picked it up. It was Texas Jack, Deadwood Pistol Demon, or The Shot That Never Missed. 'It was one of the few dime books ever written entirely about Jack, though he come up mentioned in a few others.

  I seen that the place it was open to was about the time Texas Jack was supposed to have backed down Wild Bill. The story said Jack opened his coat, showed his pistol, said "Name's Texas Jack," and stared at Hickok in a menacing manner, which I reckon was what he was doing to Billy Bob.

  According to the book, Wild Bill said, "Jack, I have heard how fast and accurate you are with your revolver, and I. confess that I want no quarrel with you," then Hickok turned and walked off, shaking a little.

  Albert stuck his head through the curtain. "what's going on?" Then he seen there wasn't no Billy Bob.

  "He's gone," I said. "After Texas Jack, I reckon."

  "'Damn." Albert stepped inside and rubbed his hand over his mouth. "We got a problem here, Little Buster."

  "Well, Billy Bob does, as that's the real Texas Jack."

  "Look, I can't go in no sal
oon, Little Buster, and I bet that's where he is."

  Albert eyed me a moment. I sighed.

  "You got to go talk him back to the wagon before there's some trouble."

  "He don't listen to me."

  Someone outside yelled, "There going to be a show or not?"Albert stuck his head out from behind the blanket and said sweetly, "We just getting some things ready, any minute now"

  When he pulled back inside he said, "It can't be helped, Little Buster. You got to talk him back."

  "I don't even like him."

  "I know"

  "Oh, all right. I'll do my best."

  "That's all I'm asking," Albert said. He picked up four juggling balls, a bottle of Cure-All from the rack, put his smile on, and went out to face the crowd.

  I took off the derby I had on and put on my cap. I figured if I got killed I wanted to be wearing my cap and not no damn derby. I slipped out the back of the wagon, moved around to the edge of the stage.

  Albert was juggling the balls and the bottle. "What we ' got in this here bottle," he was saying as he juggled, "is a miracle. That's right, folks, I ain't shy to say it, a miracle. ) You got piles? Don't answer that. They's women folk in the crowd. You got a belly bothers you when you eat spicy foods? Things just ain't right for you couple times a day, if you know what I mean? Your sight failing you some? We gots what you need right here, the little miracle, our Cure-All.

  "Now, I know what you're saying to yourself You're saying ain't no way I can afford a thing like this, a thing that is such a miracle, such a gift of medicine and the angels.

  "Well now, it ain't free. I admit it. It does cost you something, but consider this. It fortifies the belly, makes the heart strong, and the list of folks that we have sold this Cure-All to and have come to us satisfied—no, not just satisfied, grateful, that's the word, plumb grateful to the point of crying—is endless. Never an unsatisfied customer.

  "Now, I know what you're saying. Why don't he get on with telling us the price? Well, I'm coming to that, ladies and gents, I am. But I got to tell you that there ain't no medicine like this medicine. This will help you keep your youthful vigor and keep all your steps straight and your sight keen. It ain't even bad on taking out stains and using for a wash in your mouth to kill them smells you get from eating.

  "And I tell you, ladies and gents, it ain't nothing but two bits a bottle. That's right. Two bits. I know it's hard to believe that something like this, a miracle in a bottle, comes this cheap. But it do. You see, we ain't here just to get your dollar, we're here to see you cured of your ills and made happy, and this here e-lixer is the thing to do it. Two bits, ladies and gents, two bits. Who's first?"

  I looked at the crowd, seen he had their attention, went on around behind the wagon, and started up the street.

  Thunder rumbled behind me. I turned to look. The sky back there looked dark even for nighttime.

  Skinny had seen me, and he had left the crowd and was coming up the street toward me. I waited until he caught up. When he did, he turned and looked back toward the brewing storm, then back at me. He leaned forward, and with the peppermints on his breath overpowering his other smells, he said into my face, "Things is going to get bad."

  I got a little chill. I thought of that other skinny fella that wasn't right in the head, and I thought of him grabbing Papa by the coat and saying about how the wind was going to blow us away. ,

  I didn't say anything to Skinny, I just nodded, went on over to the saloon, him following like a pet duck.

  When we got to the boardwalk Skinny stopped and sat down, his back against the wall, his bag of peppermints between his legs.

  I smiled at him.

  He took a peppermint out of the sack and began sucking on it.

  I took a deep breath and went inside.

  Outside you could feel the storm coming, inside you could feel the same thing.

  Billy Bob was over to the bar, leaning on it. Riley was putting a beer in front of him and looking -around nervouslike.

  At the back I seen that Blue Hat and Jack were at their same table. Blue Hat was looking at Billy Bob with a sort of slow burn. Texas Jack was trying to look bored and was sipping a glass of beer.

  It was noisy in there, people chattering like squirrels, but it was an edgy kind of noise. I figured them chatterers could feel the tension between Jack and Billy Bob and were gleefully waiting for the first signs of bullets and bloodshed, not considering that a stray load could splatter what little smarts they had against the saloon wall.

  While I was standing there, some of the crowd from our show drifted in, and after a quick look around, they joined the rest of the folks at the far left of the saloon and started to talk, never taking their peepers off Jack or Billy Bob.

  To make matters worse, Billy Bob had his head turned toward Jack's table, and I'll bet you a chicken to an egg that Jack could feel those eyes on him as if they were two stones sitting on his head.

  I made my feet move, went over to Billy Bob, and stood slightly behind him. "Billy Bob," I said softly, so he wouldn't think I was some fool sneaking up on him, "you need to come on back to the wagon. We're up to the Cure-All talk."

  "You and the nigger do it," he said.

  "But you're better at it," I said.

  "I know that," Billy Bob said, "but I've come over here because I don't like being insulted, especially when it was a cowardly insult, kind you don't know's happening to you."

  He said that part loud, and when he finished, the saloon went quiet as a church and all eyes turned to Texas Jack.

  Jack looked over at Billy Bob, pursed his lips and said, "Is that a fact?"

  "Since it come from a washed-up old geezer like yourself," Billy Bob said sweetly, "I couldn't take it for real at first."

  "It was real," Jack said, and he stood up.

  Blue Hat had gone cold on his stare, and when Jack stood, he got up and quietly faded away. Riley, over behind the bar, scratched the back of his neck casuallike and stepped briskly to the back, opened the door, and stepped out of sight.

  "Billy Bob," I said, "forget it."

  "Go back to your nigger," Billy Bob snapped, "and get out from behind me."

  Sounded like good advice. I moved over to the left with the rest of the crowd.

  "Maybe you ought to go back to the nigger too," Jack said, and he started easing around the tables toward Billy Bob. He got his foot hooked in a chair as he went, and tried to shake it off, and he got plumb crazy about it, started hopping around trying to get that chair rung off the top of his foot. We all held our hearts in our throats while he bounced about, because his face was getting red and puffy, and there ain't nothing like embarrassment to make a man come out shooting.

  Eventually he got the chair shook off and made the end of the bar and stood there. He and Billy Bob were about fifteen or twenty paces apart. Jack had his left hand on the bar, his right was high at his side, pointing slightly inward toward the pistol at his middle. I seen that the hand on the bar was fluttering slightly, about as much as Billy Bob's legs were shaking.

  "You handled that chair real well," Billy Bob said, and he let his lips pull up into a little smile.

  "You should have been like your pa," Jack said, his voice cracking a little, "taken your insult and gone on. Live a lot longer that way."

  "Ha!" Billy Bob said. "What's for me to back from? You didn't never back down Wild Bill Hickok, and you know it, and you won't back me neither."

  "You sure?" Jack asked, almost politely.

  Billy Bob nodded.

  Somebody in the saloon chickened out. I heard him go through the bat wings, and when I turned to look they were swinging shut, and Skinny had walked over to take hold of them and look in. Maybe he didn't know exactly what was going on, but he knew it was exciting.

  I looked back at Billy Bob and Jack. Silence was so heavy, had someone coughed about then, there'd have been shooting. I wanted to say something to Billy Bob, something that would make this whole thing stop, but nothing
came to mind. And I sure as hell didn't want to draw attention to myself, lest he and Jack decide to start in on me first.

  It was Jack that finally spoke, and he'd gotten the iron back in his voice. "Can I have your nigger when you're dead?"

  "You can have that damn boy too," Billy Bob said. "But you got to get me dead first."

  Jack took his hand off the bar and shrugged his shoulders. He said evenly, "You want to do this, kid?"

  "You started it," Billy Bob said.

  "What if you say you're sorry."

  "Nope. You say you are."

  "Nope. You know how many men I've killed, kid?"

  "Ain't none of them me."

  "That's the way you feel about it then?"

  'Yep."

  Jack stretched his neck, like his collar had gotten too tight. "Guess this is it, huh, boy?"

  "Reckon so," Billy Bob said rolling his shoulders. And Jack went for his gun.

  He wasn't fast at all. I could have beaten him. Anyone could have. He was washed up, plain and simple.

  But Billy Bob . . . well, try and picture this. One moment Billy Bob had his hands by his sides, the next they were full of pistols and the pistols fired and the left side of Jack's face jumped off in a spray of blood and bone and went all over the bar. Billy Bob cocked and fired both pistols again, and before Jack could so much as wobble, he caught two more bullets in his chest, and when they hit a spray of blood squirted out of his back and covered the wall behind him. I tell you, it was enough to make a billy goat lose his chow.

  It couldn't have been long, but it seemed like Jack stood there for a week, this surprised look on the side of his face that wasn't blowed off, and finally he folded up like a cheap pocketknife and flopped backwards to the floor, hitting his head so hard it sounded like thunder.

  The saloon froze and the smoke from the pistols froze and no one breathed, until from the background someone said softly, "I'll be a sonofabitch," and that was what let the mortar loose. The world started to move again, the gun smoke twined upwards to the ceiling and Billy Bob put the pistols in his sash and let out a heavy sigh that was a cross somewhere between happiness and relief.