Chasing Shadows

by Liana Hakes-Rucker

  Schuyler runs his hands through his hair, and for the first time I notice he looks really tired. There are dark circles under his big brown eyes. He could be forty with that face.

  "Lawyers are good for things." He says like he's explaining this to a ten year old. "The police wouldn't have held you all night if you'd had a lawyer."

  "Schuyler I'm so sorry man. I know I'm stressing you out. Sorry. I don't know any lawyers. Are you okay?"

  "You should have called me." His voice has an edge to it now.

  "Sorry." I whisper. Oh shit. There are those tears again. Oh my God. Do they slip estrogen into frozen dinners? Is that why I unhinge so easily?

  Quietly Schuyler eases the Escalade out into traffic. "You want to come over, or should I drive you home?"

  "You want me to come over?" I squeak.

  He gets this odd, overwhelmed look. "Of course. I offered didn't I?"

  "Why are you so mad?"

  "I'm not mad." He looks at me briefly. "I'm just tired. I was sleeping."

  I feel like such a jerk. "I'm sorry."

  "Quit apologizing." Well, what do you say to that? I don't know, so I shut up and we drive in silence for a few blocks. Eventually the silence grows comfortable, then easy, and now, Schuyler breaks it. "So what are you doing tonight?" he asks with careful optimism.

  I shrug. "I dunno. Nothing, I guess. I'm definitely taking the night off from this Madeline business."

  He nods. "Good, you should. Wanna hang out?"

  “Yeah.” I say relieved. “Cool.”

  He smiles a little. “Good. We’ll sleep first.”

  “First? What’s second?”

  Now he smiles bigger. “Whatever. We could hit a party or two, or none. I like to go to Golden Waffle and sit by the windows. It’s like a parade on Halloween.”

  I smile. “Can we make fun of people?”

  He laughs. “Yes.” He says. “That’s exactly what we’ll do.”

  “Awesome.” I grin. “We’ve never done that. I wasn’t quiet sure how we ever forged a friendship without the mutual-derision-of-strangers bond.”

  Schuyler smiles sideways nodding. “Yeah, we’ve been stuck in crisis management mode from day one.”

  I take a deep warm breath. “Thanks for coming to get me.”

  He nods. “You’re more entertaining than a psychotic break.”

  I laugh. “That’s hilarious. That’d be my slogan if I were a product. Get a Meegan, cheaper and more entertaining than a psychotic break.”

  “Cheaper?” He leers.

  I chuckle like Santa Clause and look at my feet. Wow, my socks are filthy.

  Chapter Eight

  I wake up in a sunny room and wonder where I am. I'm on a big beige couch and I'm wearing my clothes. My belt is digging into me. Somehow it and my pants got all twisted up in my sleep. I look left and see my jacket on the floor... Schuyler's floor, yes that's it. I lift my hips to straighten my pants and I hear a throat clear. Groggy, I sit up. Sure enough, there's Schuyler. He's standing in the hallway that's down past the foot of the couch. I smile. He smiles.

  "You talk in your sleep." He says.

  I shrug. "What did I say?"

  "Nothing, just moaning mostly, but I did catch the words Diet Coke." He walks closer. I fold my legs up so he can sit on the couch.

  "Yeah the cops took that too." I say with a yawn.

  He assumes the shocked expression. "Animals! They took your calorie free beverage?"

  I shake my head. "One calorie." I hold up my finger. "Half a calorie for me, since they took it before I was through. Well, more accurately they set it on the ground and failed to retrieve it for me once I was placed in the squad car."

  "Well, that's better."

  "Yup."

  "Gotcha something." Schuyler says.

  "Really?" My voice gets high. "How long have you been up?"

  "Few hours." Schuyler hops to his feet and lopes down the hall that leads to the bedrooms. "Wait here." His legs are so long it’s like watching a giraffe, except not.

  "K." I mumble lying back down and rubbing my eyes. It’s so sunny in here, can't be more than five PM. I should still be asleep. When I hear his tread on the hardwood I prop myself up on my elbows and smile with my mouth closed. My breath stinks and I think I have a new zit. Welcome home zit, join your people.

  "Here." Schuyler's cheeks are a little red as he sits down next to me. "I thought if you were up in time, we could go shopping before we head out, pick you up some clothes."

  I sit up the rest of the way. My eyebrows lift as Schuyler hands me a big brown shopping bag. I know as soon as I hold the bag what's inside. The man bought me boots. I grin.

  "Thanks." I dig into the bag, pull out the box, flip off the cover and squeal. They're just like my old boots but new! "Oh my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you." I pretty much dive across the couch to hug his neck.

  I'm going to pause here to say that I am a woman who knows how to receive a gift. One of my first memories after I'd gotten an apartment and a job, is of trying to give a coworker a used book I knew she wanted. She turned me down flat. She said she couldn't possibly take a gift from me, she'd never be able to repay it, and bunches of other dumb ass things. She thought she was being humble. I thought she was being a sanctimonious bitch. It’s not nice to be rejected when you're trying to display affection and gift giving is affection so... Whenever anyone gives me something, if I like them at all, I just say thank you. This also totally screws the people who offer you things they think you'll turn down and that makes me laugh, dishonest pricks.

  Schuyler laughs at my hug and he hugs me back. He's grinning wider than I am. "Glad you like them."

  I inspect the footwear. "How'd you know my size?"

  "Last time you stayed over I checked out your boots."

  "While I was sleeping."

  For a moment silence falls. Then, "It's not like that." Schuyler says.

  I giggle. "Who am I to judge?"

  "Shit." He says, but he's still smiling. "So where do you want to go for clothes?"

  I suck my cheek for a sec. "I don't know. Really, unless we're going someplace crazy fancy I think this is fine." I lift my sleeve a little. "What I really need today is tooth brush, and my shampoo and conditioner, and my face stuff so maybe we should head to my place."

  Schuyler shakes his head. "Already got all that. It’s in the bathroom."

  "Huh."

  "I mean." He continues. "Maybe not the right brands, but I remembered you bitching about it last time you stayed on my couch, so while I was out getting your boots I got that stuff too... and cigarettes."

  "Damn." I say. "I'm... thanks. You don't even smoke." Schuyler shrugs. "You are so nice to me!" I wrap my arm around his waist. "So, should I thank your housekeeper or what?"

  He laughs. "I went myself!"

  "Thank you, Lupa!" I shout, just in case she's here somewhere.

  “I went myself.”

  "Yeah, for the boots maybe, but conditioner? Where would you even begin?"

  He smiles and turns red some more. “I asked the sales lady for help.”

  “Well, then you must not have gotten them where I go, because there is no sales lady at CVS.”

  He nods. “Macy’s.”

  “Macy’s?” I gasp. “They sell shampoo at Macy’s?”

  “Yeah.” He blinks in surprise. “All the perfumes, or lots of them anyway, have other bath products with the same scent so they can sell more stuff. ‘Layering scents’ is what the lady said.”

  “Huh.” Well, I’m sure the bath products I’m about to use are going to be the most expensive bath products I have ever laid eyes on. I smile. Schuyler has no idea how rich he is. It’s kind of cute. I reach up and mess with his hair.

  He closes his eyes. “That’s nice.” He says it so softly I have to guess a little that I really heard it, but since I did, I keep on. The man bought me boots! I scooch closer to get a better angle and Schuyler leans my way. It’s like petting a cat. I
half expect him to roll on his back and stick his feet in the air.

  “Meegan.” He says.

  I keep scratching. “Mm Hmm.”

  “You need to brush your teeth.”

  “Ha!” I laugh out loud. “K” I say, hopping up to head to the bathroom. “Do you have to go, cause I’m just gonna shower while I’m in there.”

  “No, bathroom’s yours.” He smiles. I smile back. God I’m glad I know this guy. Schuyler’s place is the perfect retreat after the crappy couple of days I’ve had. I silently enter the bathroom and check out the supplies. Cool. Next thing I know I’m surrounded with costly bubbles and steamy shower jets. I brush my teeth in the shower with my new vibrating tooth brush. I lather and exfoliate all things flesh colored. This may be the best shower I have ever had, though I have to admit I do sort of miss the pulse, pulse, pulse, bang I’d be hearing at home.

  When I’m done with the cleansing process, I turn off the shower jets and step out to survey the counter. It’s packed with face creams and hair products, like a mini department store just for me. I apply some expensive looking cream that I hope will fry my zits off. I brush my hair and load it with foam products to make it lustrous and silky or whatever. I think about proposing to Schuyler. Seriously, would it be wrong to marry a guy for hair gel if it was really, really nice hair gel? Should I buy him a ring? I laugh at myself. It’s tempting to spend all night in here trying everything, but that would come off as weird and maybe materialistic.

  I look down to find my clothes, so I can put them back on... Where the fuck are they? I know I didn’t do anything snazzy like fold them and set them someplace. I’m reasonably sure I just shucked them onto the floor. Well shit. Now I’m naked and trapped in the bathroom. There’s a robe hanging on a hook by the door so I wrap myself in it and head out to find Schuyler. I don’t have to go far. When I open the door he’s waiting there in the hall.

  “Hey.” I say.

  “Yeah, sorry.” He says eyeing the robe. “I can’t stand to put dirty clothes on after a shower. The more I thought about it, the worse it got in my head, so I snuck in and your stuffs in the washer.”

  “Weirdo.”

  “Sorry.”

  I shrug. “Whatever. Thanks for washing my stuff.” It seems a little odd that Schuyler’s being so helpful. I wonder if this is part of his crazy. “So I guess we’re stuck here 'til it gets done.” I say cheerfully.

  “Uh...” Schuyler looks embarrassed.

  “What?”

  Schuyler sucks in his breath. He’s not making eye contact. “Lupa is buying you some clothes. I called her at home.”

  “Why?"

  He looks at me like a drowning puppy. “I don’t know.” He says. “I didn’t think you’d want to wait?”

  “You see me as impatient?” Not that I’m not, but still.

  “No, no...” He’s avoiding my eyes some more. He looks panicked.

  I sigh and cross over to him, wrapping my arm around his waist. “It’s okay, you know. I’m not mad at you. It’s all okay.”

  He lets out his breath. “You don’t think I’m crazy and controlling?” He asks seriously, hopefully.

  I kiss his shoulder because it’s as high as I can reach. “Of course I think you’re crazy and controlling.” I lean my head on him. “It’s okay though, I like you and there are worse things anyway. You still taking your medications?”

  Schuyler sighs. “I ran out of one, but I’m taking the really important ones, and my doctor called in the one I’m out of, so Lupa’ll get it tomorrow when its ready, but anyway I’m supposed to go in for blood work, and I put it off so that’s why I ran out...” He pauses as if to catch his breath. “I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

  I nod. “You’re cool man. Don’t stress about anything okay?” He laughs. I laugh too. “So, is that why you bought so many hygiene products?”

  He laughs some more. “Awe Meegan, you should’ve seen me. I don’t know what you use, or don’t use so I tried to get one of everything. Then what if you didn’t like the scent? So I got two or three of everything in different scents. Then what if you thought I was crazy for buying all of that? So I had to hide some of it when I got home. But what if the ones I left out were the wrong ones? So I put some more out but then it was too much again. Then I put some away. Crap, I only just stopped myself from making a second trip to buy a totally different batch of products.”

  I smile. “You did great. You didn’t have to do any of that, and I totally appreciate it.”

  Schuyler wraps his arm around my shoulders. “So I would like to request that you make a list of the products you like, just in case I ever run out of Effexor again.” I giggle. “At least I knew which boots to get.”

  “I sort of wish you hadn’t. Then I’d have a whole brand new shoe wardrobe right now.”

  “Sure, exploit the disabled man.”

  I scoff. “You’re not disabled.”

  “Whatever.”

  “So where are we going tonight?”

  “I don’t know.” Schuyler says. “We could go eat. My brother’s having a party. We’d have to dress up for that. My dad’s throwing a party. We’d have to really dress up for that... I know of a few other parties, socialite things. There’s a guy from group who’s having a get together on the West Side. We could go to a haunted house. We could stay in and watch movies, but I might not be able to sit still for that.”

  I raise my eyebrows, contemplating. “Let’s get some food, then hit a haunted house, then go to Golden Waffle to watch the college kids act stupid. No costumes, not for me anyway, and no public transit. Halloween is a bad night for the subway. Then, if it’s still early, we can try the movie thing, or not.”

  “So you don’t want to meet my family?”

  I can’t tell if he’s upset or not. “What if I was a sex worker, and they know me that way? You want me to meet your family?”

  Schuyler stares at me. “I forgot about that part. I was just thinking about the Holiday, but I see how that could be awkward. Especially my brother. He’d tell me what you were like, and then I’d never get it out of my head.”

  I shudder. “I don’t want to think about that.”

  “What, sex with my brother? He looks just like me. I should be insulted.”

  I laugh. “Not your brother in particular just sex I have no memory of. Anyone I meet could have fucked me, and I’d never know it. I mean, that was always true, but it didn’t creep me out before like it does now that there’s all this Kelly, Madeline crap.”

  “Fair enough. Let’s make coffee.”

  “Cool. I’m gonna smoke first though.”

  He nods. “That’s what I meant. Would you like to go smoke while I make some coffee?”

  “Absolutely, an excellent suggestion.”

  “I bought you an ashtray. It’s on the balcony.”

  “Geeze, you thought of everything.”

  “Everything and more.” He runs his hands stressfully through his hair.

  I smile and head for the living room to get my Camels from my bag. When I open the glass door to the balcony I’m blasted with frigid air. It’s snowing, of course. What’s Halloween without snow? I imagine all those girls out there in skimpy costumes freezing their assets off. I snicker and light one up. Fuck its cold, but it’s a moist cold. The smoke comes out of my mouth in thick, satisfying clouds. I look down over the street. We’re on the seventeenth floor. I feel good, clean, free... just good. The cigarette is gone in no time. I put it out and head gratefully back inside to the tantalizing scent of coffee brewing.

  I’m just closing the glass door when Lupa comes bursting in through the front. Her arms are loaded down with colorful shopping bags from at least three different stores. Damn, I hope he pays her overtime for this. I bet he does because she’s got a great big smile on her face.

  “Miss Jones.” She says by way of greeting. “Follow me.” I wouldn’t dream of arguing with Lupa. I pad obediently behind her, and she leads me to a bedroom. Ye
s, Schuyler has more than one bedroom, but the reason I don’t use one when I stay here is I don’t want Lupa to have to clean up after me. We enter the room.

  “Close the door.” She says to me. I obey her and she begins dumping the bags out onto the bed. “This was fun.” She says. “So there’s underwear, bras, long sleeved shirts, short sleeved shirts, jeans, leggings (he didn’t say to get those, but its getting cold so I thought you’d want them), There’s also socks, and two sweatshirts. I bought this blouse,” She holds up a green silky thing that looks like a handkerchief to me. “Then these slacks for the blouse and this dress, which you have the boobs for, and some heels to go with the dress, and a purse, and a cardigan in case you go someplace nice.” She pauses to look at me. “I was going to buy this nice string of pearls for the dress, but I thought I’d better leave that to Schuyler.” She beams at me.

  “Thank you.” I stare. My mouth is open. I think my heart rate has doubled. Why does this make me nervous when Schuyler’s hygiene spree did not?

  As if to add to my anxiety Lupa continues, “Here.” She tosses me some lacy underwear. “Try these on. He loves blue.” She says. “You pick what to wear tonight, and I’ll put the rest up in the closet while you’re out or I can wait until tomorrow, give you two some time.” Lupa is glowing. I’m starting to twitch.

  “He doesn’t like me that way.” I say quietly.

  She gives me a look that says I’m an idiot. “Of course he likes you that way.”

  “No, Lupa.” I’m wearing my serious face. “He told me. He actually said the words ‘I don’t want to be your boyfriend.’”

  Lupa waves a hand at me. “Schuyler doesn’t know what he wants. I’ve been taking care of him since he was a boy. I know what Schuyler wants. He likes you. You like him. You’re a good girl. You’ll make him happy. I know it. Now put on some clothes, honey.”

  I shake my head, and thread my legs through the sky blue lacy underwear. “I’m not really that good.” I murmur.

  Lupa levels her gaze at me, using her full matronly authority. “You’ll be good to him.” She says. “Or I’ll tell my nephew Mario, and he’ll slit your throat.”