Chasing Shadows

by Liana Hakes-Rucker

  I stand here for a second before setting my coffee on the ground so I can light up a smoke. Once those first few drags have had a chance to placate my nerves, I look around. The tree I’m standing by is on the north side of the street. I am facing west which puts the tree and the street to my left. To my right is a big five story brownstone. The building is shaped like a U, with a pretty little gated courtyard on the inside of the U. There’s a buzzer on the gate, and likely more on the inner entrances as well. I stand here smoking, holding my near empty cup and watching the building, as the real shadows of real people move about behind curtains and blinds. The windows cast pretty yellow strips of overlapping light into the courtyard. Seems like a nice place to live. I wonder if the apartments are very small.

  I’m just considering the possibility of this building having modern wiring, when a loud vehicle of some kind goes motoring by behind me. They have their high beams on. I watch the car lights mingle with the window lights. Ah... I didn’t notice it before but the car headlights picked up the scroll work over the gate. There it is, larger than life, in fancy but legible wrought iron, the word James.

  “Thanks.” I whisper. In response, I feel a warm tickle of air, like a breath, on my cheek. I check my phone, 6:34 PM November 1st. I take a deep breath and walk purposefully up to the gate. Just because I can, I try the handle. Its locked tight. So, using my phone as a flashlight, I look over the names set behind a little plexiglass panel next to the buzzer buttons. Third row down, second column in: L. Tucker and S. Madison. Wow. I look over the rest of the names to be sure, but there aren’t any other L and S combinations. These must be the roommates Lexi and Sara. It makes me nervous but I guess I’d better push the button. Hope they’re not dead. Hope their not about to die. I push it.

  A few seconds later the speaker crackles to life. “Hello.” Says a thin female voice. In that instant I decide not to be Kelly Morgan.

  “Hi.” I project. “I’m Meegan, Kelly’s cousin. I wondered if I could talk to you.”

  “Kelly?” The voice is skeptical.

  “Kelly Morgan.” I enunciate. “Also Madeline Cross and Rebecca sent me your way.”

  There’s a very long pause. So long in fact that I know they’re either arguing in there, or hoping I’ll go away. I finish my cigarette and flick it into the snow bank. Maybe they won’t let me in. That would sort of be a relief. At last the speaker comes back on.

  “406” says the voice and the buzzer goes off. I open the gate and enter the courtyard. They didn’t say which entrance and there are three, so like a good reader I start to my left. There is indeed another buzzer at this door. I press number 406. They buzz me in. As I cross the threshold, I’m hit with a staggering blast of hot scented air. I blink several times adjusting to the bright, warm lobby. The floors are black and white tile and very shiny. The walls are butter yellow and hung with paintings, landscapes like you find in a motel. To my right is a bank of mailboxes and a long hallway that must go to the apartments on the first floor. To my left is a little brass elevator. I push the button and wait. My ears sting. I didn’t know they’d gone numb 'til the heat hit them.

  The elevator arrives with a ding. It’s exactly the kind of elevator you’d expect. Not trashy, no urine smell, but not opulent either. I push the button for four and look around for security cameras but I don’t see any. I try to dredge up some feeling of recognition, but this is futile like it always is. The best I can do is a very manufactured sense of observation. It’s like I’m watching myself move through the elevator doors and walk sedately down the red carpeted hallway. 406 is on my right, courtyard view.

  I knock on the door. It’s opened almost immediately by a short, busty, blonde girl. She takes one look at me and gasps. “Holy shit.” She says. “Kelly?”

  I shake my head. “She’s my cousin.” I answer. “Madeline said... well, can I come in?”

  “Sure, sure, honey.” The short blond opens the door wider. She’s wearing red boxer shorts with a yellow duck pattern and a white tank top. The top is thin. Her nipples and her dark areolas show through the material. I’d say she must be cold but it’s stifling in here. She steps back letting me into a narrow foyer. “I’m Sara. This is Lexi.” Sara gestures to the even blonder woman lounging on the couch farther in. Lexi is like Sara stretched out. She’s tall and thin, less busty, all legs. She’s wearing a similar outfit to what Sara has on but in tones of blue. I feel like I just walked into a pajama commercial or a Victoria’s Secret lounge wear shoot.

  “Hi.” I nod. “I’m Meegan.”

  “Nice to meet you, Meegan.” Lexi smiles at me from her spot on the couch. “You really do look just like her.” She says.

  I nod some more. “Yeah, I know. Thanks.” The blondes look expectantly at me, so I open my mouth to give them some explanation. “I’m here because I met Madeline, and she acted like she knew me. This was right before she died. That made me think she knew Kelly. Kelly hasn’t contacted her family in a long time, so I thought I’d see if any of you know where to find her or anything... Oh and I let Rebecca think I was Kelly at the memorial.” I tuck some hair nervously behind my ear.

  “Wow.” Sara says crossing her arms, and leaning against the wall. “You sound like Kelly too. Doesn’t she sound just like Kelly, Lexi?”

  Lexi nods. “Just exactly like!” She agrees all chipper. “Come on in and sit down honey. We haven’t seen Kelly in... God, a long, long time have we, Sara?”

  “Nope, long time.” Sara smiles. “You want a coke?”

  “No, I just finished up a coffee, thanks.” I say, moving to the little arm chair next to the sofa. The room is good sized. It houses a sofa, two chairs, an entertainment center and a variety of shelves and end tables, all with room to walk around. There are doors leading off the main room. I can see a tiny, clean, yellow kitchen to my right and I imagine the bedrooms and bathrooms are off in the other direction. It’s decorated for cozy. Not the posh atmosphere I would’ve expected of escorts, but who knows? Maybe they don’t bring their work home with them.

  “So,” I start. “Rebecca called you the roommates. Does that mean Mads lived here too, or just that you’re each other’s roommates?”

  Lexi smiles. “The Roommates.” She whispers dramatically. “It’s a title, Sara. Haven’t you always wanted a title?”

  Sara laughs and flops down on the couch with Lexi. Sara drapes her arm over the other girl’s leg. “Mads lived here for a while, but that was months ago.” She says solemnly.

  I fold my hands around my empty coffee cup. “I didn’t see you at the memorial.” I say, hoping I’m not being too blunt.

  The two girls sigh in unison. Lexi says. “We couldn’t make it.”

  Sara nods. “We had work didn’t we, Lexi?”

  “We did.” Lexi responds in an airy tone. “Hey listen, Meegan.” She says wrapping her arm around Sara’s shoulders. “We have this box.” Sara gives Lexi a confused look. “You know Mads box of printouts.”

  Sara smiles. “Oh, the Kelly letters.” She cuts her gaze to me. “We didn’t know what to do with them, but since you’re here, Meegan.”

  Lexi gives a charming open look. “Yes since you’re here, you’ll know what to do with them.”

  “They’re pretty racy.” Sara says.

  Lexi gives a laugh that’s more like a purr. “You know Kelly. She can really say things.”

  Sara giggles. “I know Mads family wouldn’t want them, but you’re Kelly’s cousin...” She hops up.

  “I could get it, Sara.” Lexi says.

  Sara rolls her eyes. “I’m already up, Lexi.” and she bounces off into another room.

  Lexi turns to me. “Kelly and Mads were, like, internet friends. They met when they were kids and kept up online. They told each other everything.” She says the last word like it’s a scandal. “After Mads moved out we found these printouts and Oh my God.” She fans herself. “They had, like, a competition.” I cough. I feel my cheeks redden. “Oh no.” Lexi whispers. “It
’s going to be too much for you.”

  Sara flounces back into the room carrying a shoebox. “Oh no.” she sighs. “Not you’re thing?”

  I clear my throat. “No please.” I say. “I’d love to read them. I was just thinking of Kelly’s mom, my aunt. I just won’t tell her anything that might upset her. I... I knew Kelly was sort of... free. I actually really want to read them. Maybe there’ll be some clue to where she went or what happened to her.”

  At this the roommates exchange a glance that might be loaded or might not. Sara sashays over and places the shoebox in my lap while taking my empty coffee cup in the same motion. When she bends over me her boobs end up in my face. “You look just like her.” She whispers before standing back up. “You know who might know something is Gwen. Don’t you think so, Lexi?”

  Lexi nods.

  “Mads’ sister.” I say. “I saw her at the memorial, but I couldn’t really talk to her.”

  Lexi fiddles with her hair. “Doesn’t she work at a coffee shop, Sara?”

  Sara puts her hands on her hips. Her face is a stage version of ‘thinking’. “Yes, Lexi, I think she does. Intelligencia right?” I take a moment to be distracted by their constant use of each other’s names. Do they do this when they’re alone too?

  “Right, Sara, good memory.” Lexi coos and then she squirms a little on the couch, seemingly to get more of my attention. “Look Meegan, if you want to talk...”

  “Or get together.” Sara interjects.

  “Yeah. “ Lexi continues. She runs her hand from her knee to her ankle. “After you read those.” She points to the box in my lap. “There might be things you want to talk about.”

  Sara turns her back to me. Now her ass is in my face. “Doesn’t she look just like her, Lexi?”

  “Totally, Sara.” Lexi nods and to me she says. “Anyway call us, or come over if you want to. Sara, give Meegan our number will you?”

  “Sure, Lexi.” Sara chirps. She crosses to retrieve a pen from the end table and comes back to jot the number on top of the shoe box. The whole sequence is a show in itself. I’m not even going to try to explain the mental flashes I’m having. Fuck, am I gay? Maybe for the roommates. Suddenly I’m not so sure that they’re escorts. Did anyone actually say that but me? These two girls probably just do what they do, and anyone who’s in the room feels compelled to empty their wallets. When Sara finishes giving me their number, I stand up, which is weird because Sara doesn’t really back up any to give me room.

  “Thanks.” I say. “I’m glad I caught you and...”

  “You have to go?" Lexi asks from the couch.

  Sara looks up at me all innocent and sweet.

  “Yeah.” I say in a regretful tone. “I have a date.”

  “Ahh...” Sara says nodding as if this confirms something, she steps back a bit.

  Lexi stands up slowly. “Good luck, then.” She says and she crosses the room to the door. As she goes all I see is legs and motion. She opens the door.

  I cross to her. “Thanks again.” I say but it comes out funny because my mouth is suddenly very dry.

  Lexi puts her hand on my upper arm. “Bye, Meegan, honey.” She says. “Call if you want to.”

  I nod, smile and get the hell out of there. In the elevator I check my phone. 7:02. half an hour, and most of that was waiting at the gate. I feel odd about the roommates and elated that nothing bad happened. The shoe box is on the heavy side, or at least I’m sure it will be once I’ve carried it around for a while. It’s too big to fit in my bag. I want to rush home and start reading, but I have a date with Qasim in less than an hour.

  I wonder if I’ll be on time. Hell, I wonder why I’m keeping the date. Also, and this isn’t so unusual lately, I wonder where the fuck I am. I wasn’t paying attention when I followed the shade. I sort of wish I paid to have GPS on my phone. I can be very cheap sometimes, but if I wasn’t then I wouldn’t have the savings account I have. This leave without pay thing would stress me out hardcore. As it stands, I can afford to be jobless for a few weeks, two months tops, without losing my apartment.

  Chapter Ten

  Once outside the gate of the James building I balance the shoebox on my hip, then retrieve and light up a Camel with my right hand. I'm standing here trying to decide which way to go when my phone vibrates. I hold the cigarette between my teeth and fish around for my phone. It's a number I don't know. I think its one of the ones from Sunday. Could be Fin. Could be Qasim. I guess I may as well answer.

  "Hello." I say tentatively, cradling the phone against my shoulder. I'm just going to have to set the box down.

  "Meegan?" It’s Qasim.

  "Hey Qasim."

  "Uh..."

  "What?"

  He laughs. "Well, you actually answered your phone so now I don't know what to say. I had a voicemail message all planned out."

  I smile. I like my unavailability. "So, what were you going to tell the voicemail?"

  "I was going to tell it that I hope we're still on for tonight."

  "We are. What're we doing?"

  "Uh... I had a couple of ideas I thought I'd run by you."

  I nod. "Do you have a car or are we..."

  He doesn't let me finish. "I thought we'd take a cab."

  "Cool."

  "But I can get a car."

  I'm intrigued. "You can? You can just procure a car?"

  He laughs again as if I was funny. "Sure, Ralph has a car he said I could use."

  "Ah. It's cool Qasim. I take the El everywhere, but listen..."

  "You're cancelling."

  "No. Shit man, relax."

  "Okay." He sounds nervous.

  "I might be late is all. I have to drop off this box at my place, and I don't know where I am so I could be on time, but that'll depend on how long it takes me to figure out how to get home from here."

  "You don't know where you are?"

  "This is a common thing with me." I say dismissively. "Should I dress up for tonight? That could push back the timeframe too." I balance the box on my bag so now I can smoke and talk but not walk. It's like having a land line.

  "Uh, whatever you wear is cool."

  Aw, that's sweet. "I might be on time." I reassure him.

  "I could come get you." He offers. "Do you like art?"

  "Depends on the art, sweetheart." I rhyme.

  He's smiling, I can hear it in his voice. "There's an opening in my neighborhood. I thought we could hit that and then get food."

  "I love food."

  "Good." He says.

  "So, you know where I live?"

  "No."

  "You know Glenwood Street?" I ask.

  "What's it by?"

  I sigh. "Maybe I should just meet you at your place, like we said."

  "That could be awhile."

  "So."

  "I work tomorrow."

  Ah! Yes Meegan, other people have lives too. "Hey, maybe you know where I am." He laughs again. I like that. "You know a building called the James building?"

  "Actually I do." He says. "It's not far from me."

  Wonderful. "Well I'm actually standing in front of the James building."

  "Great." Now he's squeaking. "Let me just call Ralph. I'll be there in a few minutes."

  "Hey thanks." I say.

  "Yeah, no problem." He sounds excited. I find myself smiling wide. Maybe I've been too hard on him. How nice is it to have someone want to impress you so much? "Bye." He says.

  "Bye." I slip the phone into my pocket. I could walk now but I don't need to. I feel weird standing in front of an apartment building in a strange neighborhood but whatever. I'm waiting on a ride. I have a right to be here. At least I have cigarettes. Smoking gives a person certain legitimacy in situations like these. It's cold. I bend over and rest the shoebox between my feet so I can have free hands to zip up my jacket. This is boring. I finish my cigarette and light up another. I'm trying to smoke slowly. It’s not like I need the nicotine, but its so cold out here I'm smoking like a squirrel
. I know squirrels don't smoke, but the imagery is correct none the less.

  Occasionally a car or a van drives by, and I stare at them trying to see the driver behind the headlights. Two drivers in a row, each in a minivan, flip me off, and I start to think I should call Qasim and ask him what kind of car he’s driving.

  I'm half way through my third cigarette, when a white Ford Taurus comes coasting slowly down the block. I stare at the car. If this isn't Qasim I hope it’s not a psycho killer is all I can think. The car stops in front of me, and I'm relieved to see Qasim's big dark eyes looking out and his long fingers on the steering wheel. Okay, still attractive sober, good to know. I smile and bend to get my box. Qasim throws the Taurus in park and hops out to open the door for me.

  "Thanks." I say as I get in.

  "Yeah, of course." He responds. "What's in the box?" But he closes the door before I answer.

  "Letters." I say when he gets in the driver's side.

  "To you?"

  I laugh. "It's complicated."

  I see his eyebrow arch.

  I sigh. "I don't know how much I want to explain to you."

  His face turns to hurt and then hurt but hiding it.

  "Fine, these are x rated print outs of computer correspondence between two girls who may or may not have been sex workers. One of the girls is dead and the other could be me, but I'm not sure yet."

  He looks at me, processing. "Cool."

  I nod. "Yeah, I can't wait to read them."

  "Can I?"

  I laugh. "I thought we were hitting an art exhibit."

  "We can..."

  "Ha! We can but you'd rather read porn." Qasim grins and so do I. This is way less awkward than I thought it'd be. "To tell you the truth I'm sort of dying to read these. Not because of the juicy stuff but because they might have some good information for me. Maybe I can find out if I'm this girl or not. All I need is one solid detail to help me either confirm or deny it."

  Qasim reaches over and taps the box. "Who's number?"

  "Oh." I say. "Sara and Lexi."

  Qasim gasps. "Jesus, Sara and Lexi?"

  I smirk. "No, just Sara and Lexi. Why? You know them?"