Chasing Shadows

by Liana Hakes-Rucker

  “So hand me your money too.”

  Qasim grins. I roll my eyes and take the cash he’s offering. The doorbell rings again. “Coming!” I shout trotting back down the hallway to the kitchen door. It’s weird to have the front door open into the kitchen. I always think of kitchens as being by a back door. I answer for the delivery guy and make the exchange, delighting in the warmth from the pizza box. Reluctantly I set the thing down on the table. Qasim is walking slowly towards me, reading on his way down the hall.

  “She was engaged.” He says.

  “Really?" I feign ignorance. I’m a terrible liar but Qasim doesn't notice. He hands me the letter and while I’m reading it for the second time he wraps his arms around me. I feel his hard on against my back. I lean into him. “Food first, or sex?” I ask.

  He breathes into my hair running his hands over my abdomen. “I thought you said I wasn’t getting lucky.” His fingers slide under my waist band.

  I smile and wriggle a little, feeling his shirt crinkle against me. I shrug. “Changed my mind. I’m cold though so we’re doing it under the covers.”

  He laughs turning me around to face him. Qasim softly brushes my hair back from my face. “Uh.” He says looking down at my mouth and then my eyes. “Do you have any condoms?”

  I feel my smile evaporate. “You’re shitting me.” I say a little too harshly. “You don’t have protection?” I hear my voice squeak.

  He shrugs and looks helpless. “You acted like you didn’t even want to go out with me. I... I didn’t think...”

  I groan and drop my head against his shoulder. “But you’re a guy. You’re a cute guy. You can’t tell me you don’t keep condoms around just in case.”

  Qasim exhales sort of desperately. “I’m kind of a nerd.” He says. “I mean, I’m a chemist for Christ’s sake. When do I meet girls?”

  “You’re in a friggin band!”

  He laughs now. “Condition hasn’t exactly hit the top forty.”

  “Ahh... Fuck.” I say hitting him hard but not too hard in the chest.

  Qasim runs his hands up and down my hips. “We could fool around.” He offers helpfully. “It’s not a great idea to go all the way on a first date anyway.”

  “Holy hell.” I mean, is everyone in my life going to turn out to be the fucking moral police? Then again if I’m such a jezebel, why don’t I carry protection?

  Qasim lifts my chin up with his right hand and plants a sweet sort of kiss on my mouth. “You’ll leave happy.” He promises me.

  I sigh and stick my tongue in his mouth putting both my hands into his hair, which he had the good sense to wear down. It doesn’t take long at all to forget about the pizza. We do that awkward but fun make-out-and-walk thing down the hall to Qasim’s bedroom. Once we’re there he leaves off sucking my face for a minute to turn on the space heater. I smile and sit on the bed to unlace my boots. I’m still trying to get my socks off, when Qasim hops up on the bed and crawls over to me. He throws his arms over my shoulders and begins to grope my breasts while leaning his face down to kiss my neck. I sigh and lean back against him. He thrusts his hips forward and I half turn, reaching back awkwardly to feel between his legs. This is not a successful angle. I giggle and he laughs low and breathy. I turn all the way to him now, pushing against his chest so he backs up to give me room on the bed. We’re both still fully clothed and I’m thinking ahead to how stilted its going to be to remove jeans and leggings once we’re all tangled up. Oh and my feet are cold already.

  Qasim doesn’t seem anywhere near as distracted as I am. I reach over and undo his jeans. He pulls my head up to his and we’re sucking face again. I fool with the fabric 'til his cock’s exposed to the air. Still with my tongue in his mouth I turn a little to catch a look at it. I like to know what I’m working with. Shit. That looks intimidating. I’m sure that whole thing’s not going to fit in my mouth, which is kind of what I’d been planning on. Oh well. What would Kelly Morgan do? I happen to have just learned what Kelly would do and I don’t think I’m that flexible. I laugh at my thought which it turns out is the wrong thing to do.

  Qasim pulls back. “What?” He seems ready to be offended.

  I shake my head. “I was just thinking that that whole thing will never fit in my mouth.”

  Home run. Qasim grins. “Don’t worry, I’m going to do you first anyway.”

  My eyes pop open and now I’m grinning. I start to unbutton his shirt but he stops me my lifting my sweater back over my head. He reaches around to unlatch my bra and I throw my head back, enjoying the tickle of my hair on my shoulder blades. Qasim groans and positions me onto my back. He reaches for the button of my jeans and opens it. As he starts to pull them down he is forced to notice my brand new neon pink leggings. He laughs.

  “What?” I say imitating his offended tone from before.

  “That’s some color.” He smiles.

  I shrug. “It’s cold out. It’s cold in here actually.”

  Qasim stands up. “Let’s get under the covers.”

  “Okay.” I hop up and have to stop for a minute while the man insists on helping with the leggings. I think it must be something akin to peeling two pink bananas but he seems into it. I’m glad I’m wearing nice underwear. I smile and return the favor. We’ll call it the disrobe assist, totally unnecessary but fun. Qasim still looks shockingly thin to me, but his skin is smooth and warm. He has nice legs. I hop into his bed beneath the covers and he wriggles in to join me.

  Now that we’re nice and cozy and naked, making out is that much more fun. I run my fingers over his back and hips. I hit the spot where the leg meets the torso, the one that makes that nice little crease above jeans. He shivers while I’m touching him which is totally nice. Qasim pulls the covers up over our heads. Now we’re in a warm blanket tent. He moves down to my breasts and seems, for all intents and purposes, to be ready to camp there all night.

  I smile and let my thoughts wander. So Kelly was engaged. Did Kevin find out about her adventurous proclivities? Was he angry? Is that why she came to Chicago? Was she planning on moving here, or was it just a vacation? I suppose I should check somehow to see if she made it home. I mean all this time I’ve been assuming the Kelly Morgan is a missing person. I haven’t even Googled her. What if my doppelganger is alive and well somewhere in Florida?

  My thoughts are dramatically interrupted when Qasim moves his hand down to my clit. Oh my God. I’m pretty sure I just whimpered. Is that embarrassing or... never mind. Fuck. Now he’s biting my left nipple. I usually hate that. Holy shit. I feel my legs open like a hard backed book set on its spine. My eyes close. Oh fuck.

  “I want you.” I say, but that’s dumb because it’s pretty obvious. My fingernails dig into his ribs. I feel Qasim smile into my breast. Now there’s a great shifting of the covers and his head is not in my arms any more. It’s way down there between my legs. Holy shit. And he’s good at it too. My arms and legs engage in a series of twists and squirms that I take no responsibility for. It doesn’t take me long. I orgasm once, then again. He’s still going. I’m not distracted anymore. “I want you inside me.” Whoa! Why do I say things like that? Fortunately he doesn’t take me literally. He lifts his head and switches to using his hands. Man, I told you he had long fingers. Fuck. This goes on for some time. Literally, he continues until I push him away. I’m sore. He’s smiling.

  “Wanted to make sure you were set.”

  I sigh and smile dreamily. Now it’s his turn. The details of giving head bore me. It’s almost meditative, except for that ache in my jaw. I try to mix it up so I don’t get arthritis of the mouth. This is not to say I don’t enjoy it, just that it always lasts longer than I feel it needs to. But hey, he did me a solid, so I got this shit. While I’m busy down here he makes some interesting noises which I find extremely gratifying. I hate sucking on a guy who’s completely silent. Makes me feel like I’m not doing a good job. I have no idea how long this goes on. On a side note, oral sex is one of the reasons I don’t wear
a watch. It’s so tempting to time yourself, and this is one activity where you really don’t want to be aware of the time. I involve my hands, get creative, vary rhythm and technique until eventually he says,

  “I’m coming.” Thank God, he gave me notice. I back up off that thing like it’s gonna bite. He climaxes, it’s messy and I crawl back up to lie beside him. Qasim wraps me up in his arms and buries his head in my neck.

  I smile some more. This is sweet. “I’m hungry.”

  Qasim laughs and cups my boob in his hand. I arch my back. He sighs happily. “It’s hot in here.”

  I flip the covers back so we can see the room. The space heater has had time to do its thing. “Yeah, it’s not bad. So do you just have space heaters or what?”

  He shakes his head and kisses my shoulder. “There’s central heat, but it’s expensive so I keep it real low and just run the space heater when I sleep.” He’s cheap about some things, good, I like that. I play with his hair, massaging his scalp a little. He pulls his head up to look at me. “You are going to see me again right?”

  I blink wide. “Yeah, I think so.”

  He sighs. “Good.”

  Hmm, now he has me worried. Do I want to see him again? Hard to say. I think I like him. I think I like him a lot, but I’m kind of easily confused lately. “Qasim, honey, I’ve gotta pee.”

  He smiles. ”You’ll want to put you’re clothes back on. It won’t be this warm out there.”

  “Okay thanks.” I kiss his cheek before I get up. “And I’m hungry so I’m going to attack that pizza after.”

  He nods, still smiling. “I’ll bring it in here where it’s warm.”

  “K.” I’m glowing like a light bulb. I’m sure I look goofy but then so does he, it’s nice. He was right. It is colder out here. I use the facility and saunter back into the bedroom to find Qasim dressed and cross legged on the bed with the pizza box open in front of him. There are a couple of cokes sitting on the end table. I crawl into bed and lift out a slice. It’s not hot, but it’s not icy.

  “So what have we learned?” I ask. He laughs with his mouth full and so do I. “Pizza’s good. What time is it?”

  Qasim leans back to dig his phone out of his pocket. I stare at him. He’s graceful, all fluid limbs and easy length. “11:15.”

  “You work in the morning, right?”

  He nods. “Need to be up by 8.”

  “That’s not bad, I guess.” I stretch my leg out towards him and he surprises me by setting down his slice of pizza and beginning to rub my foot. I groan. “That’s wonderful.”

  He smiles. “When do I see you again?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. When do you want to?”

  “When do you work?”

  I sigh. I hate saying it. “I’m on leave without pay.”

  His eyes bug out. “Really? Why?”

  “There was a book in my bag that wasn’t mine, but I didn’t put it there. I think someone thought it’d be funny to get me in trouble.” A weird look crosses his face. I think he doesn’t believe me. “Look.” I say. “They’ll review the tapes and see I didn’t do it.”

  He shrugs. “So you’re schedule’s pretty open then?”

  I laugh. “I guess so. Tomorrow I’m going to try and talk to Mads’ sister.”

  His left eyebrow cocks. It’s a good expression on him. “So you’re not Mads then?”

  I shake my head. Wow. I forgot how much I didn’t tell him. “I might be Kelly, but I don’t know yet. Mads is dead.”

  Qasim nods. “The article in the paper.”

  “Yup.”

  He looks into my eyes. “Do you think you’re Kelly?”

  I take another bite and chew it thoroughly, swallowing before I answer. “I kind of hope not, but there’ve been some people who thought I was.”

  “I don’t think you are.” He says gravely, as if that means something.

  I scoff. “You know me less than I do. I could be anybody. Hey that reminds me kind of, Doug made a big deal about you liking me. He said you wrote songs about it. Is that true? Because I kind of thought he was just being dramatic.”

  Qasim looks away. “It’s true.” He says quietly.

  I’m not sure how I feel about that. I poke him with my toe. “We don’t really know each other.” I say.

  He looks up at me with those dark, dark eyes. “I know.” He seems to be waiting for me to shoot him down, which I admit does cross my mind.

  Instead I say. “I’m almost certain to disappoint you if you build me up too high.” He just keeps looking at me. He doesn’t say anything but then what would I say to that? I change the subject. “Hey. Can I leave the letters here 'til next time? I don’t really want to carry them home on the El.”

  Qasim smiles. “Sure. I could read them for you, take notes and stuff.”

  “You could be my porn secretary!” I chirp. He laughs. “Seriously though, if you wanted to do that, it would help. Then you can tell me what you find out, and show me the good parts when we get together again... at which point I’m truly hoping you will have purchased some prophylactics.”

  Qasim grins wide. His teeth are nice. “We’ll have to actually go out next time.”

  I bat my eyes. “This wasn’t fun?”

  “Oh it was fun, but I’d like to actually know you, even if it’s just so you can’t throw it in my face that I don’t.”

  I sense some bitterness under that statement. I decide to ignore it. I rise to my knees and climb carefully over the pizza and onto his lap. “Okay. We’ll meet at a public location and do whatever it is we’re going to do first, so it doesn’t dissolve into mad, mad sex too quickly.”

  Qasim wraps his arms around me and leans his head on my shoulder. “Cool. What day?”

  “You’re off weekends?”

  I feel him nod. “Yeah.”

  “How about Friday or Saturday?” I rub his back lightly.

  “How about Friday and Saturday?”

  “Hmm... Friday through Saturday?”

  He looks up and grins. “Yeah. Bring your toothbrush.”

  Chapter Eleven

  I'm running fast, but I'm not winded and I'm not afraid of anything. It's a warm, warm night. The wind tears at my hair. It feels so good. I can see the stars. They pop in the sky, celestial sequins. The air smells sweet like springtime. I run. My feet slap on the pavement. I'm not sure what I'm wearing. I don't look down. It doesn't matter, whatever it is, it's thin. Hot air rushes past my breasts. I feel the wind on my abdomen, heavenly. I don't remember ever feeling this good. There's water to my right, endless black waves rolling in. They shine and glimmer in the starlight. Their lap, lap, lapping sound matches the slap, slap, slapping of my feet. I look to my right to see the shinning face of a girl. I'm not surprised. I think I was expecting her. She looks just like me. She's running too. This strikes me as absolutely amazing and wonderful. I smile at her. She beams back at me. She's naked and her eyes are glowing. I think she might be a star come down from the sky. We run together. I keep looking over at her. She has such a serene expression. Her breasts flop with her stride just like mine do. They look luminous. We are on a foot path. Suddenly I realize I recognize the place but it doesn't seem very important.

  The naked girl takes my arm. Her touch is a chilly breath. I notice her hair. Its fire engine red. She is so beautiful. She's slowing down and I match her pace. We're holding hands now. The shiny, chilly girl who is exactly my height leads me off the path. We're in the grass. It feels so good, so cool and soft to my feet. The wind howls. This is one of those waterfront parks, but right now it seems a utopia. Artfully spaced trees rustle in the gale. Their leaves are big black feathers in the darkness. We walk like Eve and Eve amongst them. I look at the girl. She meets my eyes. In hers I see love, sadness and heartbroken beauty. They should wreck me, her eyes, but all I feel is happiness. I laugh like a child in wonder. She smiles sadly at me, stopping our walk. Her red hair whips across her face. I reach over and brush it out of her eyes. Where my fing
ers touch her skin, they come back wet and shiny. Now there's a subtle change. The light shifts and the girl is soaking wet. Her hair hangs lank and dark with moisture down to her shoulder blades. She tilts her head and smiles at me again. Water drips off her nose. I see bruises on her neck.

  I inhale deeply. There's a soggy, rotten smell on the wind but it doesn't affect my happiness. Joy, I feel so much joy. The girl raises her right arm and presses her hand to my heart. I look down. Well what do you know? I'm naked too. I memorize the way her hand looks resting easily between my breasts. Her finger nails are blue. Is that polish? I look up and she turns her face out to look over the water. She catches my eye and lifts her chin towards the bank. I know this park. There's a stone jetty down there. Does she want me to go there? I raise my eyebrows in a question but she doesn't start walking, and she doesn't release my hand, so I relax into this happiness. I stand with her, facing the water and feeling the wind across my naked self. God, those stars are amazing. The inky black water shimmers like oil. I feel so good, so healthy and alive.

  Thunk.

  I wake with a deep inhale. It's light in my room. Bright, like the surface of the sun. I know I've been sleeping well by the big puddle of drool under my face. Thunk.

  "Damn!" The whole bed just bucked like it was lifted an inch and dropped. "What?" I ask angrily. Now one of my dresser drawers jostles a couple of times. I'm going out on a limb here but I'd say someone invisible would like for me to get dressed. Damn it's bright in here. What day is it? I check my phone. Wednesday 3 PM. "Whatever." I say and roll back over. I flip the pillow so its drool side down and snuggle back into it. There's a tap on my shoulder. I look, like an idiot. No one, of course. I groan. My hair is pulled.

  "Fine!" I shout. "Supernatural pain in the ass!" I toss my legs over the side of the bed. And now I feel a little residual soreness in my hoo ha. I smile and picture Qasim's face for a second. My dresser rattles again. Geeze, good thing I showered before bed. Clearly there won't be time for any hygiene shenanigans if I'm going to make whatever dumb ass meeting with fate the shades have planned today. Flash, I remember how I made them wait that first night... If I'd been faster would Madeline be alive? I shiver. Well that's a shitty thought.