The Undesired Princess

by L. Sprague DeCamp

  The chancellor held up one of the skin-tight Logaian suits. Red. Others of yellow, blue, black, and white lay in the chest.

  “What? Oh—I’ll keep my own clothes, if you don’t mind.”

  “Those things? My dear man, they’re literally impossible: neither tight nor loose, and a color I can’t even name! Would you prefer a robe?”

  Hobart looked down at the cuffs of his shirt, the inside rims of which were showing the irregular dark stains that shirts acquire after a few hot hours of wear. But between a dirty shirt and a Logaian garment . . .

  “I’ll wear what I have on,” he said firmly.

  Charion shrugged. Hobart left the chancellor to his own devices while he washed up; he was agreeably surprised to find almost-modern plumbing. When he returned, Charion was seated in the best chair smoking a cigarette.

  Hobart looked at this with more surprise. Evidently the chancellor thought Hobart’s stare a hint, for he rasped: “Will you have one?”

  Hobart had two cigars in his pocket, which he would have much preferred. But he’d better save those for times when he could relax and enjoy them properly. “Thanks, I will,” he said.

  The cigarette was vile. Hobart coughed, and asked: “What’s the program?”

  “Don’t you know? There will be a grand state banquet to celebrate your betrothed’s rescue and approaching nuptials. Tomorrow there will be a royal hunt, and the day after comes Prince Aites’ birthday party.”

  “Hm.” Hobart wanted to ask how to get out of this predicament, but did not trust Charion that far. He inquired: “What’s the condition of this kingdom I’m supposed to get half of?”

  Charion opened his mouth halfway; it stuck silently for a few seconds before he said: “It is improving under my new policy.”

  “What policy’s that?”

  “Retrenchment.”

  “Good.” The word had an encouraging sound to Hobart. “But I’d like some more information—area, population, funded debt, and so on?”

  Charion stared coldly, muttered something about having to get ready for the banquet, and left.

  A queer bird and far from ingratiating, thought Hobart, staring after him as he finished the cigarette. Maybe Logaia was a gift horse whose mouth deserved scrutiny. Not that it would make any difference to Rollin Hobart’s determination. This half-world was interesting enough; a fine place to spend a vacation, if Hobart had been in the mood for vacations. And if his firm had not been snowed under with work, and if Hoimon had come with a sensible, contractual business proposal—a job as public works overseer, for instance—and if . . . But if anybody thought they could kidnap him and high pressure him into the silly fairy-tale king’s-daughter-and-half-the-kingdom business—well, they didn’t know their Rollin.

  He was still masticating his plans when a gong boomed through the palace. Almost immediately Charion stuck his head in without knocking. “Dinner, Your Dignity,” said the chancellor, who had changed from his black skin-suit to a loose blue robe which struck Hobart as a sissy garment for a grown man.

  ###

  The banquet hall was as big as a railroad terminal. People made way for them in most courtly fashion. As they approached the royal end of the table—or rather, the interminable meandering line of tables placed end to end and end to side—they passed a trough-shaped thing on one of the tables. It was too big for any reasonable platter, and had too low a freeboard for a coffin. Hobart asked what it was.

  “That,” said Charion with a wry smile, “is the dining trough of Valturus, the gunsmith. He has the table manners of a pig.”

  Prince Alaxius appeared before Hobart, with another exquisite in tow. “Look, Rhadas,” exclaimed Alaxius, “didn’t I tell you?”

  Rhadas shook his head wonderingly. He reached out and fingered Hobart’s dark-green necktie, whereat Hobart stiffened with ruffled dignity. Rhadas said: “ ’Tis true that in days of yore, certain philosophers proclaimed that in theory at least it was possible to have colors other than those we have. But since they could not produce examples of the same, their claims were held to be but the loose-tongued license of the learned.”

  “See?” said Alaxius. “Oh, before I forget, this is my brother-in-law to be, so they tell me, the mighty Prince Rollin. Actually it was the social lion who finished off the androsphinx. This is my friend Rhadas, Rollin; mustn’t mind him; he’s an aesthete, too.”

  Hobart found a place-card reading:

  which he supposed to be “Prince Rollin Something”—he was apparently going to be saddled with that spurious surname from now on—spelled in Logaian characters. Come to think of it, the Logaian alphabet seemed to be made of letters from the Latin, Greek, and Cyrillic alphabets. And had he been speaking English all the while? Or had he just thought he was? If he had, how come English was the language of Logaia? . . .

  “Greetings, my love,” said the princess’ clear voice. She was going to sit beside him, naturally, he thought with some pleasure and more panic.

  While he fumbled for a reply, a trumpet tooted, and the king and queen came through the door behind the royal chairs. Everybody bowed toward them; they sat; everybody sat.

  One thing about the Logaians, reflected Hobart, was that when they ate they ate, with a minimum of chatter. The food startled him: instead of the ultra-fancy super-sauced Byzantine concoctions he had braced himself for, he was given generous helpings of roast beef, baked potato, and peas, with a large sector of apple pie for dessert.

  Another curious thing was the behavior of Valturus the gunsmith. This fat, smiling individual, a few places away, waited until several helpings had been put in his trough. Then he climbed into the trough and wallowed.

  Hobart murmured to Argimanda: “I see Charion didn’t exaggerate when he said Valturus had pig’s manners.”

  “Not that time,” smiled the princess. “But beware of believing Charion when he answers any question of importance. Now that I observe our friend Valturus, I must say that he seems uncommonly cheerful for a man facing ruin.”

  “Who’s going to ruin him?”

  “We—the government, that is.” She indicated the royal family, conspicuous by their red polls in the black-haired assemblage, and the ministers sitting in a row on the far side of the king.

  “What for?”

  “Oh, we’re not doing it deliberately, but his business will not survive the disbandment of the army.”

  “The disbandment—what’s this?” frowned Hobart.

  “Charion’s idea; he says that expenditures must be reduced, and that besides we should set a good example for other peoples.”

  “Is this such a peaceful world you can afford unilateral disarmament?”

  “On the contrary, the barbarians . . .”

  At that moment Queen Vasalina, on the other side of the princess, touched the girl’s arm, Hobart heard the queen’s stage whisper: “Argimanda dear, Gordius wants to know whether your young man has his speech ready.”

  Speech! Hobart had not thought of that. He had no idea of what he was expected to say. To be more accurate, he supposed he was intended to give them some conventional guff, when he would have preferred to tell them to go plum to hell . . . but that wouldn’t do for a number of obvious reasons . . .

  King Gordius took a last gulp of wine and rose as the trumpets went off. Oh, lord, thought Hobart; it would have to be something, and quick . . .

  “. . . and so, ladies and gentlemen of Logaia, the puissant champion, the successful suitor, will tell you in his own words how he, the unknown barbarian, by unflagging resource and unremitting effort, gained that insight which enabled him to save our darling princess, and which has made him worthy and more than worthy to be enrolled in that line of heroes, the Xerophi family, of which we are—ahem—a modest representative; wherefore, ladies and gentlemen, we give you, with high hopes and fatherly affection: PRINCE ROLLIN!”

  The applause was tremendous. The king smiled all over and sat down. Hobart pulled himself angularly to his feet.


  “I—” he began. A thunderous burst of applause stopped him.

  “I—” Again the roar of handclapping.

  “I—” He paused deliberately, but this time there was no applause. He glanced over at the king and saw why: Gordius had his finger to his lips. The king winked at Hobart. The engineer drew breath and began: “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of Logaia. Perhaps I should have warned somebody that I had used up most of my words on the androsphinx today. In any case I am more adept with a pencil and a slide-rule than with my tongue, so I—uh—trust you won’t take it amiss if I—uh—

  “Concerning the means whereby I acquired the knowledge necessary to answer the monster’s riddle, I can do no better than to refer you to the works of Ogden, Richards, Brouwer, Tarski, and other leaders of modern logic. I could I suppose give you an epitome of their doctrines, except for the facts that, first, it would take all night, and second, I haven’t read any of their books myself. But if you wish to—uh—

  “To conclude this mercifully brief address, I ask you, how did it happen? Again, how? Ah, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the question! And what’s the answer? I’ll tell you; I admit—nay more, I assert, frankly and unequivocally, that, not being able to state with any reasonable degree of accuracy, and fearing lest I should deviate from those paths of rectitude and veracity in which it has been my unwavering custom to perambulate, I experience a certain natural hesitancy in giving oral expression to an opinion, the correctness of which might be interpreted somewhat erroneously! I thank you.” Rollin Hobart sat down.

  There was a short interval of silence, then a patter of applause, then a mighty surge of it. Hobart grinned a little; either they were glad of the brevity of the speech, or it was a case of “If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me, why what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be!”

  There were no more speeches. A pair of public performers appeared; one girl in a noticeable lack of filmy clothing, who plucked a lyre; her partner a man, gorgeous in plumed helmet, who went through callisthenic motions with his spear while he sang. The song was a slow repetitive thing with about as much tune as a set of church-bell changes.

  Hobart was grateful when the banquet broke up. His gratitude at once gave place to apprehension when the princess caught his hand and towed him after the king and queen.

  She led him through a maze of halls and rooms until they came to a moderate-sized one with subdued lighting and a large sofa. The king and queen were standing; Gordius laid a pudgy hand on Hobart’s shoulder, saying: “I thought you’d like it better if I didn’t order a full-dress state banquet, my boy. Some kingdoms do for their champions and wear the poor fellows out. When a man’s fought a dragon all day, he’s not apt to feel like reveling all night.”

  “Fine,” said Hobart.

  “You’ll be up early for the behemoth hunt tomorrow, won’t you?”

  “Huh? I suppose so.”

  “Splendid! If there’s anything you want, or any information— “

  “Gordius!” interrupted Queen Vasalina. “Don’t talk the poor boy to death. Can’t you see they want to be alone?”

  “Heh, heh, I guess you’re right. So, goodnight, Rollin. You know what to do.” King Gordius poked Hobart’s ribs with his thumb, grinning. Hobart despairingly watched the royal pair depart; they beamed back at him from the door, and his soul sickened.

  Princess Argimanda leaned back against one end of the couch, with one leg doubled under her and one arm along the back. She was a dazzling creature, but Hobart repeated to himself: I won’t propose, I won’t propose . . .

  “Rollin,” she said at last, “won’t you sit down?”

  That seemed like a harmless request. He complied, then remembered some girls were repelled by cigars. He got out one. “Mind?”

  “Not at all, dear.”

  Hobart bit off the end and lit up. When it was going comfortably, he asked: “What’s become of your friend the lion?”

  “Oh, Theiax will be along some time; I don’t know when. He has no sense of time, which is why he always speaks in the present tense.”

  Silence. Then Argimanda said: “You made a remarkable speech, Rollin.”

  “Thanks. Didn’t think it was much good, myself.”

  “I did not say it was good, dear.”

  “Oh. You mean remarkably bad?”

  “No. It was remarkable in that I could not understand it.” Hobart looked at her sharply, and she explained: “You see, my fairy godmother gave me intelligence as her foremost gift. Yet, as nearly as I could make out, the last paragraph was simply a complex way of saying ‘I don’t know.’ ”

  “That’s all it was,” grinned Hobart. “What about this fairy godmother? Is it a metaphor?”

  “A—what? Your language must differ from pure Logaian, which has no such word.”

  “Sure of that?”

  “I should be; I edited the new standard dictionary,” said the princess calmly.

  “I meant,” said Hobart, “do you really have fairy godmothers and all that?”

  “Of course! The word exists, so the thing the word refers to must exist. I know mine well; her name is Kyzikeia, and she visits me every year on my birthday to see how I’m doing.”

  “And if a fairy godmother gives you a quality, such as intelligence, you have to have that quality all your life?”

  “But naturally! For example, Alaxius received the qualities of selfishness and superficiality along with his virtues, so selfish and superficial he must be. Poor Charion had the worst luck; he got neurosis, irritability, and mendacity.”

  “That what you meant when you warned me against believing him?”

  “Yes. Not that he lies all the time; so much mendacity in one soul would be impractical. But in important matters you can generally count on him to lie.”

  “Then why does your father employ him?” asked Hobart.

  “Because Father has affability, and no matter what anybody says about Charion, Charion can always talk his way back into Father’s good graces.”

  Hobart mused: “When I tried to pump him—”

  “Excuse me?”

  “To get information out of him about the kingdom, he shut up like a clam.”

  Argimanda thought a while, and explained: “He has some plan afoot; I don’t know what, but connected with his disarmament project, and I think he fears you and would like to frighten you away. The most logical way to do this would be to tell you that the kingdom is nearly bankrupt and is threatened by the barbarians. But this unfortunately is the truth, and Charion could never tell the truth in such a crucial matter. So his only remaining course was to say nothing.”

  Some reward for the champion, thought Hobart. He puffed silently.

  Argimanda’s voice came softly through the smoke: “Rollin, are we not going to discuss—dates and things?”

  “Nope,” said Hobart. “I don’t want to be brutal, but I’m not going to ask you to marry me.” He threw a glance at her widening blue eyes, then looked quickly away. “Sorry as hell if it hurts your feelings, but I’ve got my own plans, and they don’t include a wife.”

  The blue eyes brimmed with tears, but she did not break down or sniffle. The tears rolled slowly and hesitantly, with a decent interval between each.

  “Now, now,” said Hobart, “it’s not as bad as that. Look. I don’t belong in this world. I’ve got my own world and my own life.”

  She said very softly: “I’m sure I could make you happy in any world.”

  “But—good lord, I couldn’t be in love with you; I’ve only known you a few hours!”

  “I love you,” she whispered.

  “For Pete’s sake why? How?”

  “A princess always falls in love with her rescuer. When I knew you were he, I could not help it.” She gave a sigh with a little catch in it. “But, strange man, if you do not want me, I could not force myself upon you, since I love you and would not do anything to make you unhappy. What is it that you wish
?”

  Hobart hesitated, then said: “Tell you one reason I couldn’t marry you, Argimanda. You’re beautiful, intelligent, kind, and so on; practically perfect. That’s the trouble; you’re too perfect. You’d give me an inferiority complex a yard wide.”

  “You need not labor the explanations, my love that was to be. What do you wish?”

  “Well, mainly I want to get back to my own world. That means locating Hoimon and arranging an escape from Oroloia for me, and it would have to be fixed so Theiax wouldn’t catch me at it.”

  “Why Theiax?”

  “He practically promised to eat me if I tried it.”

  “Very well, my prince. I will do what I can.”

  “Okay; I’ll appreciate that. And better not say anything to the king about it. Tell him we’re in no hurry, will you?”

  “I will.”

  “Swell. I’ll go, now. Good-night.”

  “Farewell.” The tears were coming faster. Hobart hurried out of the room and almost ran to his own quarters.

  5

  At 6:00 a.m. by Hobart’s watch, his bedroom door flew open; the business end of a trumpet was thrust into the room and began a maddening tah-taa-teh-tah-taa-teh-tah-taa-teh. The impact of the sound almost made Hobart bounce out of bed with shock. When his racing heart slowed and his vision cleared enough to become aware of surroundings, he shouted: “Stop that racket!”

  The racket stopped and the trumpeter’s face, red with blowing, appeared. “Your Dignity—”

  “Get out!” yelled Hobart, reaching for a shoe to throw.

  “The hunt, Your Dignity!”

  “Oh,” yawned Hobart. “Excuse me.”

  A phalanx of servants trooped in with breakfast. He was rushed through the meal, shaved, and dressed before he knew it, though he tried fuzzily to do as much for himself as possible.

  The hunting party congregated at the mammoth main entrance to the palace. Hobart was just as glad to see that the sinister chancellor was not among the gaudy crowd of Logaians, though the burly black-bearded General Valangas was. The king slapped Hobart’s back, gripped his arm, and hauled him about introducing him to Counts and Sirs and Esquires whose names Hobart promptly forgot. A man on a horse trotted around from one side—Psambides, the Master of the Horse, the king explained—and after him came a swarm of grooms afoot towing horses. The king grinned fondly at his prospective son-in-law, and said: “I ordered Xenthops specially for you, son.”