by Evelyn Guy
“‘Night, honey. Try to sleep and forget everything until morning. It will all work out, you will see.” Christine didn’t realize she had been worried, but at Ms. Mabry’s comforting words, she began to sob. She just wasn’t used to anyone taking note of anything she needed. It touched a tender nerve she didn’t know she had. She never cried. She hadn’t done so in a long time. It was a luxury she couldn’t allow herself. She felt that if she ever gave in to that impulse she would never be able to stop the tears.
“Ah, honey, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I am so sorry. But maybe a good cry is what you need. When is the last time you let yourself cry? Probably not in a long time.”
It was as if Ms. Mabry could read her mind. She knew Ms. Mabry didn’t expect an answer. Anyway, she couldn’t remember when she had last cried about anything. She just couldn’t allow herself any weakness. She had to be strong for her mother. She certainly wasn’t being strong for anyone now. It was as if getting a little sympathy had turned her into a blubbering baby.
She struggled to staunch the tears, somewhat successful but not completely so. Ms. Mabry hugged her tightly and just let her cry. She cried for several minutes, then heaved and hiccuped several more minutes as she got herself under control.
She didn’t even know why she was crying. It was just as if life were so overwhelming. Maybe that was the depression she often felt. She was convinced she had inherited her dad’s bipolar disorder.
She had done some research on the internet, and found out she could possibly inherit the tendency to a mental illness, since both her parents had one. She was certain she had inherited the bipolar. It scared her, because she knew she had to be strong and healthy for her mother.
“There, honey. You will be all right. I will take care of you. It will be all right. You will see.”
Ms. Mabry’s words comforted Christine, as they were meant to do. Ms. Mabry’s warmth was so very reassuring. It was strange to have someone comfort her. She always did the comforting. She began to feel like a loved, protected young girl. She really could learn to like this, for sure.
Christine drifted off to sleep, thinking of what it would be like to have a mother like Ms. Mabry. She felt guilty for thinking such, but couldn’t help wishing it could be. She had never known what it was like to have her mother to hold and comfort her. She couldn’t remember any time that had happened, even though she could remember some things for when she was three years old. She could remember many times when she held her mother and tried to comfort her. But, never could she remember her mother trying to comfort her. She would love to have just one memory of that. It was not that she didn’t love her mother, but just felt that she was the mother figure and her mother the child figure.
The next morning, Christine awoke to wonderful smells drifting up from the kitchen. She smelled coffee, bacon, and strong, sweet maple syrup. After breakfast, Ms. Mabry took John and her to school. Just three more weeks of school. By then her mother would probably be home from the hospital. She was really relieved that her mother was somewhere that she could be well cared for. Christine could concentrate on her final tests and not have to worry so much about her mother. It really had worked out well, even though her mother didn’t think so. At least she had a brief respite. She knew that when her mother got home, things would be good for a while, then rebound to an even worse situation. But, she intended to enjoy the peace while she could. Even though her mother was verbally abusive when she visited her, and she knew from past experiences this would continue, she could bear it a few minutes, then go home to Ms. Mabry’s comforting arms.
CHAPTER THREE
Not long before the end of school Mrs. Grey gave them an assignment that would count as their final grade. They had to write a pretend autobiography. They could use real facts for the past, if they wanted, but were to make up a future. They had to write it as if they were fifty years old. It would be fun, Mrs. Grey said.
Yeah, sure, Christine thought. It would if you had a normal life to write about. But, Christine could never write the truth about her life. She would have to make it all up. She didn’t even know who her daddy was. Mom had often told her he was local, but a no count bum that didn’t want anything to do with her. He had a mental illness as well. He was better forgotten, her mom told her.
Well, you couldn’t forget what you had never known. Christine tried to get her mom to tell her something about him, anything about him. She really was curious about his mental illness. She had finally gotten from her mom that he had bipolar disorder. She did some research on it. She was really worried that she would develop a mental illness. She had read on the internet that some mental illnesses were heredity. With both her dad and mom having a mental illness wouldn’t that make her a candidate to have one as well? She was so sad all the time, and nothing in life seemed worth anything to her. She just wanted to curl up and die sometimes. Wasn’t that what depression was?
If she got sick like her mom, she worried, who would take care of her mom? The doctor that she saw at mental health said she had depression. She didn’t know if that was because of bipolar disorder, or if she was just depressed some times. She often wondered if she had depression, or if she was just sad about her life. She knew that sometimes she got so tired she just wanted to give up. Then, her mother would need her and she would get a renewed energy somehow.
After Christine got into writing her autobiography, she really enjoyed it. The whole class had more fun than they thought.
At first they thought it was just a trick Mrs. Grey pulled to try and get them to write. They hated writing and Mrs. Grey loved it. She was always trying to get them to write.
Christine loved to write, but didn’t dare say so. Her classmates would ridicule her to no end. But, this assignment was really fun. Christine even included some to the facts of her life. She didn’t include anything about her mother’s illness, of course. She really wanted to, but she was afraid to let anyone know about it, not even Mrs. Grey.They would have to share some parts of their autobiography, Mrs. Grey said, but only parts they were comfortable sharing. If Christine shared anything, it would have to be her public life at school. She couldn’t share about her home life. She was afraid that if she wrote it, Mrs. Grey may judge her, and there may be some danger of the truth becoming known. She just couldn’t risk it. She would make it up.
She was probably the only one who was making up their early life. Others were bringing baby books, with weights, first steps, and such. Christine didn’t have a baby book, and her mother couldn’t really remember when she did anything. She didn’t remember what Christine’s first word was. She was in the hospital at the time, and the foster mother kept her baby book when her mother refused to have anything to do with it. Her mother had told her she didn’t need them.
So, for all practical purposes, she did not exist before she had a conscious memory of things. And, even then, she blocked out much of it, because it was too painful to think about. So, she existed only in the here-and-now. Let the past lie still, she thought.
Christine’s days fell into a pattern of school, hospital visits, then home to Ms. Mabry’s to do homework, eat dinner, then bathe and get ready for bed. There was usually a short period of time that she and Ms. Mabry were able to talk. It was usually just the two of them, since John usually went out with his friends in the evening.
Christine began to see that a social life would maybe be nice. Not that she didn’t enjoy her chats with Ms. Mabry. They were the highlight of her day. But, she saw John and his friends talking and laughing, seemingly having not a care in the world. She became envious of them. She would love to have someone her age to chat with and just laugh over silly jokes, like John and his buddies did. They told really silly jokes, then laughed hysterically at what they thought humor. Some weren’t funny at all, but no one seemed to mind. They were just friends. They were casual, relaxed, and having fun. Christine wished she could be so carefree.
Maybe she wasn’t as content with her life as she
thought. Most of the time, she enjoyed being with her mother, and even enjoyed caring for her. It gave her some satisfaction. But, there was something missing from her life, and she now saw what it was. She never had any friends to visit with, and didn’t really know how to carry on the talk like the other girls in school did. When she walked up to a group and said something, they just looked at her like she had a green nose or something.
Only Heather would talk with her. She and Heather were best friends. She had never had Heather over to her house, but she had been to Heather’s house and had been shopping, to the movies, and out to eat with Heather. One time she tried to explain to Heather’s mom why she didn’t invite Heather over. She didn’t want them to think she didn’t like Heather. She was having a hard time explained to Heather’s mom, but she interrupted her.
“I know, Honey. You don’t have to explain. My daddy was an alcoholic. I never had any friends as a young girl, either. I know what you are talking about. Don’t worry about it. We can always go places together, and you can visit with Heather. That is fine. Don’t worry about it.”
Other girls were not so understanding, though. They would invite her home with them, or out to the mall or something, but only one time. When Christine didn’t invite them over to her house, they just never invited her again.
There was always the chance that Christine would have to cancel her plans if her mother was having a bad time. Heather seemed to understand. But, the other girls did not. They would complain, and then never invite her out again.
Heather once told her that her dad was abusive, so she didn’t invite anyone to her home, either. She was afraid he would go off on a tirade while they were there. She had warned Christine that if he ever got upset when she was visiting, her mom would have to take her back home. He had never been anything but nice while Christine was there, though.
CHAPTER FOUR
Christine stayed with Ms. Mabry for a couple of months, then her mom got to come home. She was anxious to see her mom, and anxious to have her come home, but she really missed life as it had been for those couple of months. Ms. Mabry had invited her to come over whenever she wanted, but it was hard. Her mom felt abandoned, and was jealous of her relationship with Ms. Mabry. She would sulk, or even if she didn’t, she managed to let Christine know she wasn’t happy for her to go over there.
Christine fell into the same pattern of staying home, caring for her mother, and walking on eggshells trying not to upset her mother too much. At first her mother took her medicine well. Then she again started refusing to take it. Sometimes she would lie and tell Christine she had already taken it. But, Christine counted the pills, and she knew she hadn’t taken any. She was worried, and very frustrated, but didn’t know what she could do.
Christine made the mistake one day of telling Ms. Mabry about her mother refusing to take her medicine. When Ms. Mabry tried to get her mom to take them, she took them, but later went off on Christine big time.
“Don’t you ever tell anyone our business again, you hear? “ Her mother was in her face, screaming, so excited that she spit on her as she talked. She was so furious that Christine was afraid she would have a heart attack or something. Her face was beet red.
“Okay, Mom. I am sorry. I won’t ever do it again.” Christine was sobbing uncontrollably. She couldn’t stand for her mother to be angry at her.
“Just make sure you don’t. You are always trying to make me look bad and get me in trouble. I don’t know what makes you like that. I don’t know why you want everyone to think the worst of me. You didn’t even have to tell Ms. Mabry I was sick. You just delight in embarrassing me.”
“No, Mom. I just . . . ”
“I don’t want to hear it,” her mom interrupted. “Go to you room. Think about what you have done. Now that interfering, nosy old woman will be watching me like a hawk. She doesn’t approve of me anyway, and now she really won’t.”
Christine ran to her room, throwing herself across the mattress on the floor that served as her bed. She cried and cried, until she fell asleep from exhaustion.
“Christine, Christine . . . ” Christine awoke from her restless sleep at the sound of her mother calling her.
“What is wrong, Mom?”
“That nosy old lady next door is watching us. I saw her out the kitchen window a minute ago. See what you have caused? You have made her suspicious of us. Now she is watching us. She has gone inside to call DHR. I just know it.”
“Mom, that is not true. She wouldn’t do that. She was just taking out the trash. Calm down” Her mom was pacing the floor, agitated, alternately flapping her hands and wringing them. She went on for several minutes, mumbling incoherently between her outbursts. Nothing Christine did could calm her mother. She was totally out of control. When Christine put her hand on her arm to try and calm her, her mother began to scream hysterically.
“Don’t touch me. You’re trying to get me in trouble. I won’t let you. Don’t touch me. And, don’t you dare let that stupid, old woman from next door know anything about our business. Don’t let anyone. Go to you room. I am going to lie down until I feel better. Go to your room now and stay there.”
Christine went to her room. She heard her mom pacing in the next room, and screeching from time to time. Several times her mom screamed that Ms. Mabry was breaking down the door. There was no reason to think that. There had not even been a knock at the door. Christine knew she should call someone for help before her mother got even more out of control. But, her mom had forbidden her to call anyone. Christine knew her mom wasn’t in control, and that she should call. But it made her feel like she was defying her mother when she did so. She would just wait it out and see if her mother calmed down soon.
Christine had gone to bed out of pure exhaustion. For some time she wasn’t able to go to sleep, but finally shut out her mother’s ranting and fell asleep. She awoke with a start about midnight.
“No-o-o,” her mom was moaning. “Leave me alone. No-o-o-.” Christine rushed to her mother’s door. There was no one in the room, but her mom was backed in the corner attempting to fend off an imaginary person. She had wet her clothes, her hair was disheveled, and she was staring wild-eyed at the door, keening and moaning over and over, “No-o-o.”
“Mom, stop it. Listen to me.” Christine tried to reason with her mom from the door. She knew better than to step into the room. Any attempt to get closer to her mother would send her into a mad frenzy. Christine had learned that long ago. “Mom, listen. There is no one here. You are imagining things again. There is nothing to harm you. There are just you and I that are here, no one else. Calm down.”
Her mother seemed oblivious to her. She continued to moan and rock in the corner. It really distressed Christine to see her mom this way. The moaning her mom did was such a haunting sound. Christine could just hear her mom’s misery in the keening and moaning she did. She knew from past experience that there was no way she could comfort her. She would have to go ahead and call the ambulance again, even though her mom had forbidden it. It was the only option. She turned with a heavy, aching heart to call them. It had only been a few weeks since her mom got out last time. It hadn’t lasted very long this time. She just couldn’t make her mom take her medicine, and she wasn’t sure the medicine they gave her even helped. Her mom had not been well since she got out of the hospital the last time.
Ms. Mabry came over when the ambulance drove up. Christine was so glad to see her. At least she had someone to lean on this time. Of course, her mother was so out of it by that time she didn’t even realize Ms. Mabry was there. Christine just put her head on Ms. Mabry’s shoulder and cried her heart out. The ambulance driver patted her on the back and told her she had done the right thing. But, it didn’t seem like it to Christine. She knew her mother would be furious tomorrow when she went to see her. Still, she didn’t see any other way.
“Go get your clothes, child. You are coming to stay with me. I will take care of everything. Get you a change of clothes for
tomorrow. Don’t worry about school things. You will stay home with me tomorrow.”
“I can’t! I can’t miss any more. My mom will go to jail if I miss any more. I have to go to school!” Christine was distraught. She just couldn’t miss and cause her mother any more distress.
“Honey, you let me take care of that. You have a good reason to miss tomorrow. I will go to the school and take care of it. Just you come on over and go to bed at my house. I know you haven’t slept all night. You need your rest. Come on, now. Don’t worry about anything.”
Christine was more than relieved to let Ms. Mabry worry about things. She would just go to bed and sleep as long as she could. When she woke up, maybe Ms. Mabry would have fixed everything. They went across the yard to Ms. Mabry’s house. Christine went directly to “her” room and feel into bed. She didn’t even realize when she fell asleep.
Christine woke late the next morning. She quickly got up and dressed. When she got into the kitchen, Ms. Mabry was on the phone. There were bowls, cereal, fruit, and milk on the table. Christine sat down at Ms. Mabry’s gesture and began to fix her breakfast. She didn’t pay any attention to what Ms. Mabry was talking about on the phone.
“Christine, I need to talk to you about something,” Ms. Mabry said when she got off the phone. “Did you hear what I was saying just now?”
“No. I didn’t listen. Did it have something to do with my mom?”