by Evelyn Guy
“Ms. Rogers, you don’t have to sign the adoption papers. It is your choice. But, I would hope you would think it through. You know you have not been the mother you needed to be. Ms. Mabry is stepping in and helping. If you go to this program, you have a chance, and so will your daughter. If not, neither of you has as good of a chance. Think about it. It is your decision.”
“I can’t do it. I know I can’t go to the program if I have a child, but, I won’t sign for the adoption.”
“That is your decision. If that is final, we are done here. You can work out arrangements with DHR if you want Ms. Mabry to continue as her foster parent.”
“I do, but I want her back when I get well. Can you promise me that, Ms. Mabry?”
“I will never take your child from you against your wishes. But, she is free to stay with me as long as she wants, even if DHR is not involved. I love Christine. I want to be there for her and for you.”
Christine didn’t know how she felt about all this. She was proud that her mother loved her and wanted her. But, she had so counted on being Ms. Mabry’s daughter. She didn’t know how she felt about all this.
Christine’s mother went back to the hospital. Ms. Mabry and Christine went back to Ms. Mabry’s. Life would continue as it was for a time.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Christine enjoyed her mornings at Ms. Mabry’s. They settled into a routine of eating breakfast together, then cleaning the kitchen while they talked. Ms. Mabry then sat down to sew. She sewed for others, so always had a sewing project going on. She taught Christine how to hem, sew on buttons, and make minor repairs. She promised to teach her how to make a whole garment. Christine was very excited about that. She loved creating things, and saw what pretty things Ms. Mabry made. They talked “girl talk”, as John called it, every day while they sewed.
After lunch, they would go to see her mother. Her mother continued to improve, and even seemed to enjoy her stay at the hospital.
At first, her mother yelled and raved at Christine for stirring up trouble, but she did agree to sign the paperwork, and seemed relaxed about staying in the hospital. Christine began to hope that she would be cured and could come home and they could be a normal, happy family. She would really miss living with Ms. Mabry, but they could still spend a lot of time together. It wouldn’t be long until they had to go back to school, anyway. Christine could go see Ms. Mabry every afternoon after school. If her mom got well, she would do the housework and cooking, and Christine would only have to do her chores, homework, and then be free to visit. She would be just like other girls, then. She grew excited just anticipating that. It would be wonderful. She would have the best of both worlds that way.
School started, and Christine was the most excited she had ever been about school. She usually worried so much about her mother when she first started back to school. She didn’t worry at all this time. Ms. Mabry encouraged her to go places with some of the girls, and she did that. It was nice going out with a couple of friends to the mall. Ms. Mabry sometimes took them, but one of the girls had gotten her driver’s license and drove them there sometimes. They always got a pizza at the Pizza Joint in the mall. It was fun to just sit and eat pizza and watch the boys. Christine had never done any of that. It was so nice.
The only blot to this happy existence was when Christine would sometimes get to feeling so depressed. It was usually around the time of her monthly cycle. Ms. Mabry explained to her that women often got that way at that time, but Christine didn’t think she knew how bad it was. At times, she got so depressed she just wanted to die. She didn’t know why, because it was great at Ms. Mabry’s. Greater than it had ever been for her. But, she did get that great depression. She was sure she had inherited it from her biological dad. She would one day be like her mom, in and out of the hospital. Ms. Mabry had suggested they get some counseling for her to help her deal with all that was going on in her life. But, Christine was afraid to go to someone who might pick up on the fact something was wrong with her. She denied that it was so bad. She had told Ms. Mabry that it was just the blues. Ms. Mabry left it up to her to decide if she needed therapy. She thought she did, but was way too afraid to admit it. Especially since she thought the counselor would be looking for something, since both her mom and dad had mental illnesses. Still, she thought, what if she got so bad she couldn’t go to school, get a job, or get married? It was not fair that she had the genes she had. She didn’t ask to be born to two mentally ill parents. Then, after thinking that, she felt so very ashamed of herself. Her mom and dad didn’t ask to have a mental illness, either. They couldn’t help it.
Christine got so down in the dumps one week that Ms. Mabry convinced her to go see a therapist. He wanted to put Christine on a medicine for it, but Christine refused. She did not need anything. She wasn’t that bad. She just needed to talk through some things. It was hard not being with her mom, and feeling like she had let her mom down. She felt that way all the time. It made her very sad to think of her mom stuck in the hospital. The therapist agreed to let her try counseling for a few weeks, then decide at that time if she needed any medicine. He tried to explain to her that there was no shame in taking medicine. Christine knew that. She knew that if she had pneumonia or something, she would take the medicine. She didn’t know what it was. It seemed like if she started taking medicine for it that was making it more important that it was. That was like saying she really did have a mental illness. She wasn’t ready to accept that just yet.
A month after school started, Christine’s mom came home from the hospital. She seemed so much better than when she went in. She was actually fun to be with. She and Christine talked a lot, for the first time she could remember. Maybe it was a good idea, what they had done. It had helped her mother get better. She wasn’t ready to move back with her mother, and her mother never even mentioned it. But, whenever they talked, she could sense her mother was hurt and wanted to talk to her about it. Christine just didn’t have the courage to approach the subject - at least not yet.
Christine didn’t go out with her friends quite as much after her mother came home. She felt guilty about spending time with her friends and leaving her mother at home alone. Her mother really enjoyed her visits, so she felt like she needed to spend the time with her. She really did miss her friends, though.
“Christine, you aren’t any fun anymore. You don’t go out with us. Why is that?” Christine didn’t know what to tell Julianna when she asked that question. She couldn’t really tell them her mother was sick and that she needed her at home to care for her. They wouldn’t be as accepting of her if they knew that. So, she just made excuses, promising to go the next time. Occasionally she did go with them, but not often.
One day Ms. Mabry knocked on Christine’s door. She invited her in. Ms. Mabry sat on her bed. “Honey, we need to talk. I am worried about you.”
“Why? What is wrong?” Christine thought she knew, but wanted to be sure.
“I am worried because you don’t go out with your friends as much as you used to. And you seem so sad most of the time. Are you okay? Can I help?”
“I am fine. I just want to be there for my mother.” The counselor had spoken to her again this week about taking a medicine for depression. He was concerned about her as well. Maybe it was time to admit she was sick, like her mother, and needed help.
“It is fine to be there for your mother. That is very commendable. But, you need a life of your own as well. It is not healthy for you or your mom for you to give up your life for her. What will happen to her when you are gone from home? You are a junior, you know. You will be graduating in another year. I think it is time your mother learns to get along without you. And, you need to learn to make a life of your own. I am not being mean, I am just worried.”
“I know. I just never thought that far ahead. It seems like a long time away.” In fact, Christine had always thought she would just have to stay at home with her mother forever. She hadn’t planned on a life of her own. She didn’t wan
t to take a chance at having children in case they inherited her mother’s or her father’s mental illness. It seems she had done just that.
“That is typical of you young people. You think a year is forever. Trust me, it will pass soon. You need to make plans for you. Don’t forget your mother. I know you will always love her. But, you do have to make your own life. And, she needs to make hers. Both of you have become somewhat co-dependent. I know you don’t understand that, but it is not a good thing. It means neither of you can have a life without the other. That is not the way it is supposed to be.”
Christine could see that, and she agreed that it was true. The counselor had talked to her at length about it, and she really could see that. She could see how her mother would never get well, never mature to care for herself, as long as Christine did it for her. But, it was so hard. She just felt so scared when she thought about life without her mother. She didn’t know who she was, what she was supposed to do or be, without her mother. She knew young people grew up and left home. But, she got very scared thinking about it. It was like she didn’t exist except through her mother.
“Just think about it,” Ms. Mabry said. “I will help you. I will help with your mother some so you can go out with your friends. Just think about it and we’ll talk about it some more. I just want you to have a normal happy youth.”
Within a few weeks, Christine moved back home with her mother. Since it had been a voluntary thing for her to move in with Ms. Mabry, it was up to her and her mother when she went back. She went home on a Friday night, about six weeks after her mother got home. Her mother seemed to be doing great. She really wanted Christine home and Christine really wanted to go home. She loved it at Ms. Mabry’s, but she really missed being with her mother more. So, on that Friday Ms. Mabry helped her move her things back home. Her mother thanked Ms. Mabry several times for what she had done for them. Christine knew that her mother secretly resented Ms. Mabry taking her in, but she was proud of her mother for at least being polite about it.
Several weeks later, on a Friday, Heather called her and asked her to go to the mall with her the next day to buy a skirt. She had been looking at a short, pink denim one for some time. They had discussed it at school. Christine agreed to go with her. She just had to prepare her mother. She asked Ms. Mabry to check on her, and maybe even to go over and spend an hour or so.
“I can’t believe you are leaving me here all alone,” her mother said when she told her. “I have to sit in this house all day long. The only time I see anyone is when you get home from school. Now, you’re just going to leave me and go gallivanting off with your friends. As if you even have friends. I don’t see any of them coming here to see you.”
Christine couldn’t tell her mother that they couldn’t come because of her. She also couldn’t tell her mother to not just sit in the house all the time. She knew her mother needed to get out, but also knew she wasn’t going to do it. Ms. Mabry had offered to take her mother wherever she wanted to go. Her mother refused, and the one time Christine had mentioned it, her mother exploded, saying Ms. Mabry had already taken her daughter away, she wasn’t about to let her into her life so she could ruin it further. Christine had been so shocked at her mother’s attitude that she just shut up. She had never mentioned it again.
“I need you here with me,” Christine’s mother interrupted her reverie. “I don’t want you going. I forbid you to go.” Christine just resigned herself to having to cancel her plans. She was getting ready to call Heather back when Ms. Mabry knocked on the door.
“I am not going after all,” Christine told her when she let her in.
“And why not, Young Lady. Your mother and I need so woman-to-woman time alone. We don’t need a teenager underfoot. You go ahead and get ready. Get out from under our feet. I have to ask your mother’s advice about something, and I need privacy. Go on, get!” Christine looked over at her mother, who was smiling at Ms. Mabry. It was a miracle, because her mother always to feel really threatened by Ms. Mabry.
“Go on. Do as Ms. Mabry says. We need to talk. I’ll talk to you when you get back.” Christine didn’t hesitate. She ran into her room before her mother could change her mind. Heather was due any minute. She would get ready and meet her outside just in case her mother was in a bad mood by then, or had changed her mind.
“I really appreciate your advice. I have never had a daughter, and I just don’t want to make a mistake. John is really interested in this young girl, and I want to be careful not to make a mistake in our relationship. I knew you would know what young girls like since you have Christine, and she the same age as Joanie.”
Christine hurried out. She knew what Ms. Mabry had done. By asking her mother for advice, she had acknowledged her as a mother, and as being someone who could give her advice. By doing that, she had distracted her mother from being so dependent. Christine would have to remember that technique.
Christine really relaxed throughout the evening she spent shopping with Heather. They ate at the mall, and the China Garden, something Christine never got to eat because her mom didn’t like Chinese.
They shopped and shopped. Ms. Mabry had given Christine some money as well, and she and Heather ended up buying matching pink skirts. Christine couldn’t remember when she had been able to buy something like this. Usually, someone gave her hand-me-downs, or she bought something at the local thrift shop.
Her mom didn’t have much money. She didn’t get child support because she had opted not to get anything if Christine’s father just left them alone. So, they struggled to make ends meet.
Christine twirled the bag nonchalantly by her side, like she saw Heather doing. Heather was always shopping. It was nothing new to her. Christine tried to act like it was not a big thing, but she couldn’t help opening the bag every few seconds and pulling the skirt part way out and looking at it. She loved the smell of the new material, and the feel of the smooth, crisp fabric. She also loved that it was a frivolous pink, not really a practical color, but, rather, a fun-loving color. And, it was really short.
Christine had never had a skirt so short. It was the latest fashion. All the girls were wearing them, and had to prove that they weren’t too short for the dress code. She and Heather had checked them in the dressing room. If they pulled it down, it was longer than their fingertips. Ms. Grant said as long as they could pull it down that far, it was within the dress code. Of course, when the left her office they all pulled it back up. It was a thing with them to wear something that really was against the dress code, but get by with it. Christine wouldn’t pull hers up, though. She was just glad to be in style for a change.
Heather took Christine home, dropping her off at the door. Christine was really worried about how her mom would be, but needn’t have worried.
“Look at this, Christine. Tell me what you think.” Her mother was pouring over a catalog.
“Where did you get that?” She didn’t remember seeing it before.
“Ms. Mabry brought it over after you left. She needs my advice. She wants to find the perfect gift for John’s girlfriend for her birthday. She knew I would know more about it than she did, since I have a daughter and she doesn’t. Look at this bracelet. Do you think she would like it? She is your age.” Her mom’s eyes were glistening with interest. She was more animated than Christine could ever remember. She was flipping pages in the book, swinging her foot and tapping her fingers. “Or, do you think she would like this one better?” her mom asked, flipping between two pages in the catalog.
“I think she would like this one,” Christine said, pointing to the first page, where a thin gold chain bracelet was highlighted. Christine wished she would ever receive such a gift. That was not a likely event, though.
“Are you sure? I really don’t want to be wrong about this. Ms. Mabry is depending on me giving her good advice. I don’t know . . . ” her mom’s voice trailed off as she turned to yet another page. Christine wanted to share with her what she had bought, but knew her mom wouldn’t
be interested. Anyway, it was probably best not to let her know that Ms. Mabry had given her any money. Her mom would never notice that she had a new skirt. She didn’t know what Christine had, and never really looked to see how she was dressed, anyway. Christine and Heather had agreed to wear their skirts the next day. Christine picked out her best shirt to wear with hers.
“Where did you get that?” Christine’s mother asked the next morning when she came into the living room. Her mother had obviously spent the night in the recliner looking at catalogs. Her hair was disheveled, and her clothes were wrinkled and twisted about her body. “I have never seen it before.” Her question seemed innocent enough, but Christine could tell by the look on her mother’s face that all was not well. She had that look.
“Did you take your medicine last night?” Christine asked. She had stopped overseeing her mother’s medicines, as she appeared to be doing a good job on her own. Apparently, though, her mother had not been taking them consistently.
“Don’t worry about whether I took them or not. I don’t need that stuff. It makes me feel bad. Those doctors are in cahoots with the druggists to make more money. They probably get a kickback on every prescription. The doctors like to keep you sick. That way they all make more money. I am fine. I don’t need anything. Ms. Mabry even things so, and she is hard to convince.”
“Did she say that?” Christine was shocked. She couldn’t believe she would encourage her mother not to take her medicine.
“No, not in so many words. But, she did say I was doing great and that is why she wanted me to help her with her son’s girlfriend’s gift. She knows I am okay. Just ask her. Anyway, it is none of your business. I am the mother and you are the child. You seem to forget that.” If fact, it was her mother that forgot that. “I ask you where you got that skirt. Is it something Ms. Mabry gave you? She is always trying to make me look bad by buying you things.” Christine didn’t answer her mother, just let her continue to think it was Ms. Mabry that bought it. It was kind of nice, since Ms. Mabry was the one who gave her the money. She hoped her mother would just let it go.