by Evelyn Guy
Christine was careful to avoid Allen the next morning at school. It wasn’t hard, as he didn’t seem to want to search her out, either. They didn’t share a class. Allen had repeated the twelfth grade, so was in a different track than what Christine was in. Of course, she left at noon to go to her community service part of the day. It would be at least two days or so before he got the letter. She would just have to avoid him for that length of time.
It was on the fourth day after Christine had mailed the letter that she finally heard from Allen. She had sat in anticipation every evening, hoping on the one hand that he would call, and hoping on the other that he would not call. It was stressful sitting waiting for the phone to ring, then cringing when it did ring. Ms. Mabry called her every evening, and she anticipated that she would. But, she or her mother rarely got a phone call outside of that. So, when Heather called, then her boss from her work place called, she was a nervous wreck. But, in all the four days she had not seen nor heard from Allen. Finally, on the evening of the fourth day, the phone rang and it was him.
“Christine? It’s Allen. I wanted to talk to you.” “I’ve sort of expected your call.”
“You have?” Allen sounded excited to think
that she wanted him to call. She thought he could have told from her letter how much she wanted him to call. But, he didn’t seem to realize that.
“Yes. I was wondering if you had gotten my letter yet. I wanted to hand it to you, but I guess I didn’t have the courage. I just mailed it to you. I am not good at face to face confrontations.”
“You don’t have to be afraid of me. You know I love you. I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you for anything.”
“I wasn’t sure. I was scared. I have been scared all along.”
“Can we get together tonight and talk some things over? I really need to talk to you. Can you meet me at the Pizza Parlor later tonight? I am at work now, but will be off in about an hour. Can you meet me then? Or, I can come get you.”
“I’ll meet you there. I’ll be there in an hour.” They hung up, and Christine jumped into the shower to get ready. Her mother could just eat leftovers tonight. She usually wanted to watch TV anyway, so wouldn’t mind Christine going out. Especially when she found out it would be to see Allen. She had worried over the past few days when Allen didn’t come around.
Christine got out of the shower minutes later, having washed her hair. She lightly blew it dry, then finger combed the blond curls around her face. It hung just below her shoulders. Allen always told her he liked her to wear it down, so she let it hang loose tonight. She put on her powder blue cashmere sweater and her gray flannel slacks. She wouldn’t need a jacket or anything, as it wasn’t that cold out.
“Mom,” Christine said later, as she was preparing to leave the house. “I’m going to the Pizza Parlor to meet Allen. Will you be okay with eating leftovers?”
“Sure I will. I want to watch an old movie anyway, so will just fix a plate and eat in my room. See. I told you that you and Allen would fix it all up in time. It hasn’t been that long, either. I am glad you two are back together.”
“We aren’t . . . ” Christine started to explain, but realized her mother had tuned her out. She quietly closed the door and left, picking her keys up off the hall table on the way out the door.
Christine ordered a soft drink and sat waiting for Allen. He was a few minutes late, and she began to worry. Surely he wouldn’t set her up and not show up. It wasn’t like him. Something must have happened. She nursed her soft drink for about a half hour before he came rushing in, and directly to her table.
“I am so sorry. I couldn’t get away from work. I would have called, but I knew you had already left home. I know how prompt you are. You really need to get a cell phone so people can stay in touch with you.”
“I know. I keep saying I am going to get one. I really need to have one because of . . . Well, I just need one. Everyone has one these days.” She was going to say she needed one because of her mother, but didn’t want to remind Allen of her mother’s situation until after they had time to talk things over.
“You really should consider it. Have you ordered yet?”
“No, I told the waitress to wait until you got here. Here she comes now.” The waitress walked over to their table and took their order. After she left, Christine and Allen sat in awkward silence. They had never had trouble talking before, or just sitting comfortably in silence. But, now it seemed there was a big wall between them. Both seemed to feel uncomfortable. Christine’s soft drink had gotten watery, so the waitress brought her another one when she brought Allen’s.
“Do you want to talk now, or wait until after we eat?” Allen asked. He seemed as nervous as Christine felt.
“Let’s eat first and enjoy our pizza.” Christine somehow sensed that she couldn’t enjoy her pizza and talk about what they had to discuss. They engaged in senseless small talk all through the meal. Christine enjoyed hearing about Allen’s work. He also seemed to enjoy hearing about hers. They discussed school briefly. Allen struggled with school, but was just about finished, as was she. She planned on going on to college on a scholarship she had won, but Allen said he had enough school to last a lifetime. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do after school, but probably not further his education he told her. She tried to encourage him to go to at least one of the two-year programs in technology. He said he might, but right now he just wanted to enjoy thinking about not having to go back to school at all.
After talking about everything except what they came to talk about, and killing over an hour, they both just stopped talking at the same moment. They sat in silence for a moment, then both spoke at the same time.
“Christine . . . ”
“Allen . . . ”
“You go ahead,” Christine told Allen. “I have already said most of what I have to say anyway, in the letter. You did get it, didn’t you?” Christine suddenly had an overwhelming fear that he hadn’t gotten the letter and she would have to start from scratch and tell him everything. She couldn’t do it, she just knew.
“Yes, I got it,” Allen reassured her. “It was very thorough, and honest. I appreciate it. However, I am still confused. Maybe even more confused than before. I love you, Christine, I really do. But, I also have to think of my future, and of my future family. It seemed from your letter that no one knows if my kids would have the disease or not. And, in addition, you tell me your dad has something that may also be hereditary. How am I supposed to deal with all that? What happens if my kids get sick? Or, what if you get sick? Or what if all of you get sick? How am I supposed to handle that? Just tell me, how am I supposed to handle that? Huh?”
“I don’t know, Allen. I have lived with that fear for a long time. I just know I can’t live my life on hold because I may get sick, or not have kids because they may get sick. How can I just give up all the normal things I am supposed to have? Do I always have to live in the shadow of my mother’s illness? I mean, I have already given up a huge part of my life to care for her. Do I have to give up the rest of my life? Tell me how I am supposed to face that?”
“I don’t know, Christine. I really don’t. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But, I want to spend the rest of my life with the person you are now. I don’t want to spend my life with a sick person who can’t be a wife to me. You know your mother couldn’t maintain a relationship as she is. That is why she is single now.”
“That is not fair. You can’t blame my mother for things. My father was sick and decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. It was not all my mother’s fault.”
“I know. But, Christine, how can I know what you will be like in the future? Maybe I won’t like the person you become. Have you thought of that? I love who you are now.”
“But, Allen, no one ever stays the same. You won’t stay the same. You will grow and change, just like I will. How can I know I will like the person you become? It is because I love you and will grow with you and still
love you. Even if you become sick. If I got cancer or something after we were married, would you no longer love me?”
“Of course not. But this is different.”
“Is it? How? There are certain hereditary characteristics to cancers. Can you just not marry someone because they might get cancer later?”
“Of course not. But, a mental illness is different. It affects a person whole life. It is not the same as a physical illness.”
“You don’t get it, do you? A mental illness is an illness just as much as a physical one is. If a couple loves each other, they will work through whatever happens in their life. But, you know, Allen, I don’t want to be married to someone who would be always looking at me, expecting me to go over the edge at any minute. I couldn’t deal with that. So, I guess we just don’t love each other enough. It has been nice, but I won’t be seeing you anymore. ‘Bye, and have a good life. I hope you can find the perfect ‘specimen’ for a wife.”
Christine hurriedly left, her back to their table so Allen wouldn’t see her tears. It hurt to leave him much more than she ever thought possible. But, it was necessary. It was like she said. She couldn’t live with someone who was just waiting for her to be ill. Or, who may not even want to chance having a child. She just couldn’t live like that. She slammed her car door and pulled out of the parking lot, almost blinded by her tears.
Christine was thankful when she got home that her mother was already asleep. She couldn’t bear to explain to her mother, and she knew her mother was anxious to hear how her time with Allen went. She was really crazy about Allen. She usually didn’t pay any attention to anyone that Christine was friends with. But, it had been different with Allen. Christine undressed and crawled into bed, so tired she could barely move. She lay there for some time just thinking about all the things that Allen had said that evening. She really didn’t understand the way he saw things, but she was glad that at least it was all out in the open. At least now she knew where she stood so far as Allen and his love was concerned. She guessed men and women just didn’t look at such things the same way.
The next morning Christine awoke feeling drained and as tired as if she had never gone to sleep. She had slept fitfully, awakening several times in the night and having trouble getting back to sleep. She kept going over and over in her mind about what Allen had said. She would never really understand it, but she was determined to move on past this phase in her life. Surely there was someone out there for her that could accept her for what she was, not what might happen to her in the future. She would just be more careful in the future. She would be sure to let whoever she dated in the future know from the very beginning about her medical background. She would be sure to introduce them to her mother as soon as possible, as well.
CHAPTER TEN
Christine got very involved in preparing for entry into college and in her work. She got moved to full time at work when school was out. She would work as much as possible during the summer and then stop working at all when college started.
She and her mother had discussed this and decided that for the first year she needed to spend full time on school. She had always been a good student, but not fantastic. She had always struggled because of having to take on some much responsibility at home.
Now, though, her mother seemed to be doing very well. She was taking her medicine all by herself, without Christine even having to remind her. She had started taking more responsibility for herself. This really was a relief to Christine.
As she began to work more and more hours, and become forced to leave her mother alone for longer and longer periods of time, her mother became much more independent. Christine began to see that what Ms. Mabry had told her about codependence was really true. She could see that her mother had really depended on her because she took over responsibility. It was so plain to see now, though it had not been when she was living through it.
“Christine, you have a phone call.” Christine’s mother had started answering the phone when Christine was studying. She hadn’t heard the phone ring. She had been so engrossed in her studying. She was working on a writing assignment for English Comp. She had always had an easy time with writing. She loved it, and it came natural to her. She had been writing on a regular basis ever since Ms. Mabry had set up the writing area for her when she had lived with her. She had not submitted anything for publication, but had been told by several people who had read her stuff that is was good enough to be published. She just never had the courage to attempt to get it published. She couldn’t bear the thought of rejection.
“Christine!” Her mother called her again. Christine got up and went to the phone. “It is some boy,” her mother said, somewhat eagerly. She had been very disappointed that she and Allen had broken up. She had been hinting, not so subtly, that she thought Christine needed to find another boyfriend. Like she could just go out and find one, Christine thought.
“Hello. This is Christine.”
“Yes, Christine. This is Richard, from school. English class. Do you remember me?”
“Sure. You usually sit across the room from
me. I remember.” Christine did indeed remember
him. He was the most handsome boy in the class.
His thick wavy brown hair made her long to run her
fingers through it. She often watched him when he
was in deep concentration. He would run his fingers through his hair, leaving it mussed. Christine often wished it was her fingers that were
running through his hair.
“I am calling because I am having trouble with
our assignment. I have listened to you share some
of your writings, and you are an excellent writer. I
thought maybe you could help me. I am not very
good at writing.”
“Sure, I’ll be glad to help you. But you don’t
give yourself enough credit. Your work is very
good as well. I have noticed when you shared.” “You have?” Richard seemed pleased that
she had noticed.
“Yes, I have. It was very good. What can I
help you with? I am working on mine as well.”
Christine felt her heart rate increase just thinking
about how he valued her advice. It was not often a
boy even spoke to her, much less asked for her
advice.
“Well, the assignment said to write a reflection
of a past writing. I am not sure what she means by
a reflection. I have dug out a couple of my old
pieces of writing, but don’t really know what she
wants us to reflect on. Does she want us to rehash
what we wrote, telling it in a different way, or
what?”
“No, what she wants us to do is to reflect on
the writing. For example, look at the piece and
decide what is good about it, what works, and what
needs to be changed. In other words, reflect on
what is effective about your written presentation.” “Oh, so we’re not writing about the event. We
are writing about our writing. Is that right?” “Right.”
“Oh, I see. That makes sense. I was
wondering why she wanted us to write about
something we had already written about. I see
what she wants now.”
“If you want me to, I will be glad to come in a
little early to class and check over your rough draft.
The final draft is not due until Friday. If I look at it
tomorrow, you will have time to make corrections
before Friday. That is, if you want me to. I mean,
I’m not saying I am smart or anything. I just like
writing, so thought I could maybe help you. That is,
only if you want me to.” Christine immediately
wished she hadn’t spoken up. He would probably
think she was trying
to act superior to him. She
didn’t mean it that way at all, but that was probably
how it seemed to him.
“Of course. I would love for you to help me, if
you don’t mind. And, if you have time to do it. I
know you have your own work to do. I don’t want
to impose on you.”
“Oh, no imposition at all. I will be glad to do it.
Just meet me in class a little early.”
“They may have a class before ours. You
want to meet in the Student Union instead?” “Yeah, that probably would be better. That
way we don’t have to worry about it. You want to
meet about thirty minutes before class? Will that
be early enough?”
“Why don’t we meet for lunch? Class is at
one, so let’s meet at eleven thirty, if that is okay
with you. That will give us time to eat lunch and
still have time do the editing. That is, if you don’t
mind coming that early. I’ll buy your lunch in
exchange for helping me.”
“You don’t have to do that. I will be there that
early, though.” Christine was surprised at the thrill
she felt at just the thought of spending the time with
Richard. She had noticed him, and was drawn to
his good looks, but he was way to preppie for her
tastes. But, the thought of eating lunch with him
and working with him was exciting to think about. Christine and Richard quickly ate lunch, then
started looking over his work. It was very good, but
just needed some fine-tuning. They had their
heads together, pouring over his revisions,
unaware of their surroundings. A couple of times
their hands touched, and Christine felt a weakness
through her body. He was wearing a spicy,
woodsy aftershave that really appealed to
Christine.
“Richard! What are you doing here? I
thought you had homework to do.”
Christine recognized the shrill voice of one of