Hello World

by Joanna Sellick

  But even though I have slept and showered since then, the place he had kissed my hand still felt warm and fuzzy.

  Still, I ignore the feeling and clench my hand into a fist before knocking on the Ellsworth’s fancy door. This street still intimidates me, even though I’ve been here a number of times, so I’ve been extra careful with my make-up, hair and outfit choice. Currently I’m in light blue jeans and a cream, woolly jumper with my thick black coat pulled over the top.

  As I hear someone move behind the door, my stomach clenches. Some of the doubt that had overpowered me yesterday still lingers like an unwanted smell, but I do my best to push it down. I keep the same chant rushing around my brain, I don’t care what that text said, this is Jay for God’s sake.

  A moment later the door reveals Jay, his light brown hair ruffled and dark circles under his eyes. He looks as though he’s only just woken up, not that he looks like he got much sleep either. He’s still in his pyjamas.

  ‘Wow, you know, I never believed someone could wake up looking so perfect. I guess I was wrong,’ I muse, leaning casually against the doorway, trying to act as if everything that happened in the past two days… well, hadn’t.

  Jay grunts with annoyance at my comment, but I catch a flicker of relief flash through his eyes at my being here before he turns around. The butterflies in my stomach dim slightly.

  ‘It’s ten in morning on a Sunday, do you not understand the concept of lie-ins?’ he grumbles, running a hand through his hair as he tries to tame his bed-head.

  ‘It’s practically noon,’ I insist with a dismissive wave of my hand. ‘Besides, you promised,’ I remind him, revealing the Biology book I’m holding in my other hand. He takes another look over his shoulder and groans.

  Obviously the geeky side of him isn’t awake yet.

  ‘Fine, I think Mum is in the kitchen. I’ll be down in fifteen,’ he mumbles before pulling himself upstairs. I smirk to myself and slip out of my shoes to plod into the kitchen.

  Joy is sitting at the table, surrounded by paperwork and talking rapidly on the phone. Seeing me enter, she winks and motions for me to stay and take a seat.

  Her face twists in annoyance at the person on the other end of the phone before she rolls her eyes, mutters something under her breath and hangs up.

  ‘Clients?’ I laugh at her expression. Joy shakes her head and sighs.

  ‘Mother in law,’ she mutters, resting her head in her palms. ‘I enjoy these Christmas parties, I really do, but getting everyone in one place is exhausting.’ She smiles thinly and then looks up. ‘You are coming, aren’t you?’

  I shift uncomfortably. ‘I really couldn’t-’

  ‘Told you,’ Jay chimes, reappearing in the doorway. I’m not sure whether that comment is directed at me or Joy.

  ‘You need to stop thinking of yourself as a burden, Neve,’ Joy chastises, shaking her head. ‘Believe me, I have bigger problems. Uncle Fredrick for one.’

  ‘Uncle Freddo is coming?’ Blake groans, marching past Jay and heading for the fridge. ‘Morning, Neve.’

  ‘Morning.’ I almost frown at my hand, which has started tingling again, but manage to conceal it.

  ‘Yes, Uncle Fredrick is coming,’ Joy replies tiredly, emphasizing the name. Then she turns back to me. ‘So, can I put your name down on the list too?’

  Everyone in the kitchen stares pointedly at me and I try not to squirm under the intensity of it.

  ‘Fine.’ I say eventually. I will still have to check with Charlie first.

  ‘Good,’ Joy beams, stacking a pile of papers in front of her. Joy’s father is a big business man, which is where most of the Ellsworth’s money comes from. She has a hand in the company and is used to arranging large charity events and fundraisers. A Christmas party would be nothing.

  The phone rings then and Joy rushes to pick it up.

  ‘Told you, she loves you,’ Jay whispers into my ear. I roll my eyes and nudge him.

  ‘Oh, Carrie,’ Joy sighs loudly, getting up from the table and moving away from the rest of us. The boys share a glance. Joy shares a few more hushed words, her shoulders gradually sinking and her expression becoming more defeated. ‘Of course, its fine, its fine… No, don’t worry, perhaps New Year? Okay… we’ll talk later.’

  Joy hangs up, looking dejected as she turns towards the boys. ‘That was your sister-’

  ‘She’s not coming home for Christmas is she?’ Jay asks quietly, his smile struggling to stay in place.

  Blake, who had been tucking into a bowl of cereal, jumps up, his spoon clattering against the wooden table. ‘Tell me you’re not serious?’

  ‘Blake-’ Joy starts, helplessly.

  ‘Save it. You would have thought that this year at least she would make it over,’ he mutters angrily. Then he storms out of the kitchen and I watch the other two flinch as the front door slams.

  ‘Mum,’ Jay says softly, walking over to her. I silently back up, wanting to give them their space.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Joy assures him. She gives me a warm smile before Jay nods and shuffles me out of the kitchen with him. He closes the door and plasters a smile back on his face, although it’s more forced than usual.

  I look towards the front door.

  ‘Should we go after him?’ I frown. Jay shakes his head and pushes me towards the stairs.

  ‘Nah, he just needs time to calm down.’

  ‘Are you sure you want me to stay?’ I say, finally getting him to stop so I can take a good look at him. ‘If you guys need your space I can come back-’

  To my surprise, Jay hugs me.

  My words disappear into the fabric of his T-shirt as I’m pressed up against it, his arms firmly wrapped around me as he squeezes me tightly.

  ‘You are amazing,’ he says quietly into my hair. ‘Don’t ever change that.’ He gives me one last squeeze before letting go and hopping onto the first step. Jay’s smiling again, as if at peace about something. ‘Don’t we have some tutoring to attempt?’

  ‘Attempt?’ I raise an eyebrow.

  Jay shrugs. ‘I’ve seen your notes. I don’t like to say it’s a lost cause but…’ he winks before disappearing.

  I mutter something not suitable for Joy to hear and follow him up. The house is three storeys, but on top of that is a small attic space that the boys have converted into a sort of den with a TV, games console and a small sofa. A beanie bag has recently been dragged up there for my sake, but since Blake is absent, I decide to go straight to the sofa and spread myself across it.

  Jay raises an eyebrow before jumping, literally, onto the opposite end. I manage to move my legs out of the way quick enough that he doesn’t end up flattening them but end up resting them on him anyway. He, in turn, rests the book by my feet and begins to work through the first chapter with me.

  Unlike Mr Finnely, Jay has my full attention, well most of it, and uses gestures when trying to get his point across, making odd little movements when trying to describe something that I’m sure I will remember more clearly than the actual information.

  Concentrating, I ask about stuff I’m unclear on and do my best to answer any questions he fires in my direction correctly.

  After about an hour though, my mind starts to melt. I have a very limited attention span.

  ‘Urg,’ I groan, kicking the damn book out of his hands. He raises an eyebrow and looks from his empty hands to the book lying face down on the floor. ‘I’m starting to resent Biology.’

  ‘Starting to?’ Jay snorts. Then he taps my legs. ‘Come on, walk around the block and then back to work.’

  ‘No,’ I groan again putting a hand to my head. ‘No more work. Please, no more work.’

  My plea is answered with Jay kicking me off the sofa.

  Mature.

  Sulking, I eventually get up and resort to shoving Jay’s back. Unfortunately for me, my weak push does nothing. Even more unfortunately for me, Jay pushes back. Hard.

  I think he pushes harder than he realises, because I go fly
ing backwards, and although he puts a hand out to steady me, our feet end up tripping over each other and we both fail to stay upright.

  I manage to brace myself for the collision with the wood, yelping when my back meets the floor. What I fail to prepare for is Jay’s tall frame to come tumbling down on top of me.

  ‘Ow,’ I choke. Jay places a hand either side of me and pulls himself up so he’s looming over me.

  ‘My bad,’ he smirks.

  Suddenly, I’m very aware of just how close Jay is. Apparently, Jay has noticed it too.

  A thousand thoughts suddenly flash through my mind, none of them particularly making sense, as we stare at each other, each one waiting for the other to make the first move. The world around us seems to pause.

  Without thinking, we both lean in, hesitating when our lips are just centimetres apart. An odd sensation runs over me, and then suddenly Jay’s lips are on mine.

  Well that’s the doubt from yesterday gone.

  Everything seems to freeze in time for a split second. And then it all speeds up again.

  It’s not like in the movies; there are no fireworks in the background, I don’t feel dizzy and I don’t get all tingly. Not to say it isn’t a great kiss, it just… isn’t anything. It feels exactly like it is. Lips on lips.

  We both pull back and stare at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter.

  ‘That felt…’

  ‘Weird,’ he agrees, smirking. I raise an eyebrow.

  His smirk drops when he sees how I may have taken offence to that and a dozen words start spilling out of his mouth. ‘No, wait. I didn’t mean the kiss wasn’t great… because it was, I mean… the kissing itself was great-’

  ‘Get off,’ I snort, a smile on my lips, pushing him away playfully and then moving into a seated position. We sit in silence for a moment before bursting into laughter again.

  ‘Huh, that felt like kissing my brother,’ Jay muses, tapping his chin. My eyebrows shoot up again.

  ‘Are you saying I kiss like a man now?’

  ‘No!’ Jay protests, hanging his head in shame as I get up off the floor. ‘You know what I mean, Red.’

  I do. I’m not sure what had spurred us into the spontaneous kiss, but as I look at Jay now, the love I feel for him is more of brotherly affection, nothing lustful.

  He’s my shoulder to lean on and so much more, but thinking back, nothing has ever sparked or made me feel soft and mushy inside whenever he has held or touched me. Jay is the world to me, but there are certainly no feelings there.

  ‘I guess it wouldn’t work out anyway, you’re already involved with your ego,’ I tease, relaxing back into the sofa. Jay decides to skip over my comment, still lying on the ground.

  ‘Shame, we could have made a cute couple. Ah, who am I kidding? I would be involved so of course we would be cute.’ He finally gets up and folds his arms, his lips quirking up. ‘So, its Blake is it?’

  My mouth drops open and I feel my cheeks flaming up at the accusation. I quickly rearrange myself and fold my arms.

  I haven’t even thought about Jay and me as having something before that kiss, let alone Blake and me.

  ‘What? Just because I said no to you, you assume I’ll go off with your brother? Who is older and hotter by the way,’ I reply dryly, trying to de-flame my cheeks.

  Jay gives me an amused look. ‘That hurts. And it was just a question, not my fault you’re such a big girl about it.’

  That earns him a pillow in the face.

  ‘Okay! Okay!’ He laughs when he sees I’m just about ready to launch the TV remote. ‘Are we going to do Biology or just abuse poor Jay some more?’

  I quickly check my phone for the time and decide my brain may explode if I have to do any more science.

  ‘Well, as much fun as throwing things at poor Jeremiah is, I should be getting back. I think Charlie is cooking and I want to have the fire extinguisher ready.’ I flash Jay a grin but he just stands there, glowering at me for the use of his full name.

  ‘I’ll show myself out.’ I wink and give him a pat on the back before dashing out of the attic and hopping down the steps.

  I hadn’t heard Blake return, but when I’m downstairs I hear him with Joy in the kitchen.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum. You know how it is, I just don’t know… how to handle anything anymore,’ Blake apologies, his voice sadder than I’ve ever heard it.

  ‘I know, Sweetie. I know.’ Joy has adopted a similar tone, except it seems as though she has been crying too.

  I finish putting my shoes on just as Blake appears from the kitchen, running a hand harshly through his hair like he does sometimes when he’s pissed off or stressed. He doesn’t look like he’s been crying, but his jaw muscles are tense and its obvious something is eating at him.

  Blake blinks as he registers my presence, as if he had completely forgotten I existed and is trying to put a name to my face.

  ‘Where’s Jay?’ he frowns.

  ‘Sulking upstairs because I mentioned the name-that-must-never-be-mentioned.’

  This earns me a smirk at least.

  ‘Man, bringing out the J-bomb in this house is a serious offence. Come on, since my brother is obviously useless, I’ll walk you home.’ He doesn’t wait for an answer and is already out of the door before I can protest. I shout my goodbyes and follow him out, wincing at the bitterness of the day.

  ‘Walk? You can drive me, its freezing!’ I demand, wrapping my arms around me. Blake rolls his eyes, but I see a hint of a smile as he leads me over to his fancy car.

  Safely within the confines of warmth, I whack up the heating and snuggle against the leather seats.

  ‘Blake, are you okay?’ I ask quietly. It isn’t my place to pry, but I can’t stand the look in his eyes.

  Blake shakes his head and looks down, starting the car.

  ‘It’s a long story,’ he sighs. ‘Sorry about earlier, loosing my temper like that. I just really thought Carrie would come home this year, she didn’t last Christmas.’

  We drive in silence for the rest of the ride until we pull up outside my house.

  ‘Jay’s told you about our aunt right?’ Blake suddenly says, something catching in his throat. I nod. ‘She doesn’t have long left, I just… I’ve never lost anyone before,’ he adds softly. ‘Have you ever had to just stand by and watch someone as their life slips away?’

  Blake’s question catches me off guard, but once again I shake my head.

  ‘I haven’t, but I know what its like to lose someone you love.’ Gently, I reach over and give his hand a quick squeeze. For the first time since I got in the car, Blake looks at me.

  ‘How did you, erm, deal with it?’ he asks awkwardly.

  I smile sadly. ‘I haven’t,’ I reply honestly. ‘Or rather, I didn’t start until you guys came along. I’m always here if need to talk, okay?’

  Blake nods before forcing a smirk.

  ‘Now get out, your girlish hormones are clogging up the car,’ he announces. I roll my eyes and hop out, watching as Blake drives off.

  Something hits me then, something I have been turning over in my mind but not really wanting to confirm. Something is deeply wrong in the Ellsworth house, and I can’t help but wonder how much longer they can tiptoe around before it all comes crashing down.

  CHAPTER 13

  After returning from the Ellsworth’s, I push my way into the house to the abrupt hushing of voices.

  ‘I didn’t think you would be home until late?’ I hear Charlie question from the living room. A moment later he pokes his head around the door, looking surprisingly guilty. I eye him suspiciously.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry, Charlie. I should really be going anyway.’

  My eyes widen as I recognise that female voice and Charlie squeezes his eyes shut, a look of annoyance on his face as if he wishes his female company had just stayed quiet.

  ‘Neve, it’s so nice to see you when you aren’t storming around my office,’ my counsellor Nadine smiles, emerging f
rom the lounge.

  I think this is the first time I’ve seen her look, well, sort of normal. Instead of the usual two-piece-suit she’s in smart jeans and a nice looking burgundy top with black boots. Her black-rimmed glasses are still her number one accessory, but instead of its usual tight bun, her shoulder-length, blonde hair hangs delicately around her face. Nadine is managing to pull off smart and sophisticated as well as elegant and gorgeous.

  ‘Hey,’ is the only thing I can squeak back. I send Charlie a menacing look that he pretends not to notice and Nadine just genuinely doesn’t seem to realise.

  After a minute or two of standing there awkwardly, Charlie shows Nadine the door and they murmur words of doing “this” again. I have no idea what “this” entails but it can’t mean anything good for me.

  Reluctantly, Charlie closes the door and when he turns to face me again his cheeks are tinted with pink.

  ‘Charlie, was that my counsellor?’ I say, very carefully. And slightly darkly.

  The guilty look returns.

  ‘We ran into each other at the bookstore today and she started talking about all of these fancy writers which then turned into just random chit chat and then I invited her over for a coffee,’ Charlie defends in a rush. I make an agitated noise and storm into the lounge.

  ‘You could have had coffee with anyone. Anyone! And you just happened to run into Nadine.’ I face-palm and sink into the sofa. ‘Nadine is my counsellor, a woman who I set out weekly to make her job hell for, and you’re dating her!’

  ‘We’re not dating,’ Charlie assures me.

  ‘That’s not what it seems like,’ I say stubbornly. ‘Today was great, Charlie. We really should do it again sometime,’ I mimic in my best Nadine-voice. Which doesn’t sound like her at all.

  ‘That’s not fair,’ he argues, sitting down on the sofa next to me.