Hello World

by Joanna Sellick

  I flinch when something in the kitchen smashes.

  I wait until I’m sat on my bed, staring at the photo before I let the tears fall, shaking violently with the effort of keeping my sobs silent.

  Am I really that much of a disappointment that my own dad would be ashamed of me?

  But then again, it shouldn’t be a surprise should it? I’m ashamed of myself, of the things I have done. Ashamed of what happened with Alex, of how my mere presence has ruined Charlie’s life. Maybe I should have died in that car crash along with my parents.

  It’s not until about half an hour later that I hear a quiet knock at my door. I take one last sniff and quickly wipe at my eyes before calling for Charlie to come in. He walks in slowly, his eyes bloodshot and hair ruffled. I guess we both look a mess.

  Silently, he sits on my bed and shuffles next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders so that I can lean against him.

  ‘She shouldn’t have said those things. She’s said so many things to me and to your father over the years, but to hear something like that directed at you…’ Charlie trails off, shaking his head. ‘I don’t like to question my mother, but she’s wrong. She is so, completely, utterly wrong. Your father couldn’t be more proud of you, your mum too. And so am I, I mean that,’ he tells me, his voice thick with emotion. ‘I really do, Neve.’

  Not having the voice to speak, I just nod and we sit there in silence. It’s then that I remember the frame in my hands and I tap the glass.

  ‘What were my parents like?’ I ask in a small voice. Charlie grins.

  ‘How can I put it? Your dad would be there to use me as a punch bag and your mother would be there to patch me up afterwards,’ he laughs. ‘We used to wrestle a lot, especially as kids. He always won. Always. But your dad was loyal, and wouldn’t let anyone else lay a finger on me. He was smart too. I was the younger kid so you can imagine how much he liked to wind me up. And your mum, I’ve never met another woman like her. She just had this way about her, you couldn’t resist laughing when she did. Angeline just possessed a certain charm, she was beautiful and kind too. But, she was also a complete klutz. Ever wondered how I got the tiny scar on my left leg? Your Mum dropped a plate on me, straight from the oven.’

  I laugh at his expression, his fondness for them warming me slightly.

  ‘How did they meet?’

  ‘University. Your dad was studying to be a doctor and your mum was working in a coffee shop near to the campus, one he visited daily, studying art. They just sort of… happened. They dated for three years before he finally popped the question,’ he grins.

  ‘Mum studied art?’ I ask, my eyebrows flying up. Charlie chuckles.

  ‘Where did you think you got your creative streak from? Certainly not your dad. He was perfect at everything else, but give him a paint brush and he wouldn’t know which way to look.’

  I smirk and we fall into silence again before Charlie sighs and digs around in his pocket. He produces a small key.

  ‘When your parents died, we didn’t know what to do with the house. They just had so much stuff, Angeline kept everything she came across, that it just didn’t feel right to throw it out. We’ve been meaning to clear it out for years, sell the house on but we just couldn’t. Mum has a hard time letting things go, she likes to keep everything in its place, so the house has just remained untouched.’

  That explains the study I came across. Everything in its place but never used.

  I glance at the key nervously.

  ‘As far as I’m concerned, this is yours,’ Charlie says, placing the key in my palm along with a tiny piece of paper I hadn’t noticed him retrieving. ‘I understand if you just want to put it away and never talk about your parents again, but if you ever want to learn any more, just ask. The address is on the piece of paper.’

  Charlie kisses the top of my head and leaves the room, shutting the door silently behind him.

  I look from the door back to the key again.

  In my hand, I hold the key to my old home.

  CHAPTER 17

  My palm feels heavier than usual, the tiny key in the middle of it weighing it down. Sighing, I turn it over and over again, my thoughts following a similar process.

  In my palm I hold the key to my past, everything I have kept behind closed doors for fourteen years. Every little secret, every little piece of my parents and maybe even a part of myself sits just gathering dust, almost as if waiting for me to come and open this book that is my life.

  But one little thought keeps regenerating itself in my mind. What if I don’t like what I find?

  Charlie has grown up with a woman like his mum and still found it in his heart to accept her, what if Charlie has been exaggerating about my parents and they were actually as snobby as my grandmother?

  What if my parents aren’t what I hope they are? What if I find something that will shake my little world once again?

  What does my house look like? Is it on a fancy estate like my grandmother’s or is it a tiny house like Charlie’s? Is it full to the brim of personal items or smothered with pointless decorative pieces?

  I groan out loud and rub my temples. Why is something like this so difficult to decide? I have two choices; either put the key away or visit my old home. It should be simple.

  Someone drops beside me and I shouldn’t be so surprised to find who I do. I almost laugh, but instead I lean a head on his shoulder.

  ‘Charlie called, told me what happened,’ Jay says, his voice edged with something hard. ‘She had no right to say those things, I don’t care if she’s the frickin’ Queen of Tweed.’

  This time I do laugh out loud, I have complained a number of times about my grandmother’s love for tweed suits.

  ‘Wait, Charlie actually called you up?’ I ask in surprise. Jay winks.

  ‘I guess the charm worked and I’ve finally been accepted into the Willow household, huh? But yeah, he called. I figured this is where you’d be.’

  I smirk. I’m sitting on mine and Alex’s hill again, overlooking the small town I have grown up in. Darkness has long since fallen but I’m warm enough in a thick hoodie and coat.

  The photo frame I have taken from my grandmother is lying on the grass beside me, and Jay picks it up to take a closer look.

  ‘Are these them?’ He asks with intrigue.

  ‘Yeah, my parents,’ I smile softly, the words feeling odd on my tongue.

  My parents.

  ‘Your mum is beautiful. You look so much like them,’ he comments. I nod, still fidgeting with the key. ‘Are you going to go?’ Jay asks quietly, his eyes landing on the shiny object.

  I pause. Am I going to go?

  It’s funny how the same question can be repeated over and over again, with the only answer ever being silence.

  I purse my lips, trying to put my thoughts into something that makes sense.

  ‘21 Roselyn Avenue,’ I recite from the piece of paper Charlie had given me. ‘It doesn’t sound threatening does it? But I’m scared, Jay. I’ve spent my whole life dancing on the edge of darkness; what if visiting here pushes me straight into the pit?’ I sigh. Then I blink. I have never told anyone what was really on my mind so easily before.

  Jay takes my hand and squeezes it.

  ‘I get that you’re scared, but what if this is a good thing? If you don’t do this, you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life,’ Jay reasons, his voice soft.

  ‘But I’ve kept all that at bay my whole life and that’s worked just fine!’ I protest, feeling completely lost.

  Jay pauses for a moment before tapping on the glass of the photo.

  ‘But you’ve never had this before,’ he points out calmly, handing me back the frame. ‘You’ve never been this close before, right?’

  Sighing, I nod in agreement.

  ‘Look, no one is saying you have to make a decision right now. Maybe not even for a long time yet, just don’t dismiss it, that’s all I’m asking.’

  Again, I nod, hugging t
he photo to me although I keep my gaze looking across the small town rather than at Jay.

  Then he stands up, holding a hand out to me.

  ‘Come on, we’re going back to mine. It’s freezing up here, you don’t half pick the most difficult places to find don’t you?’ he chuckles. I smirk.

  ‘I have here and the coffee shop, I think even you can find your way around a coffee shop, Jay.’

  ‘Again with the compliments,’ Jay mutters, rolling his eyes, although a familiar grin sets into his lips. I shove the key into my pocket and let him help me up, the frame still with me.

  We stumble down the hill again until Jay’s Ford comes into view and we set off back to the Ellsworth’s. I spend so much time at the Ellsworth’s that just stepping through their front door feels warm and comfortable, the familiar motion giving me a firm sense of belonging.

  The calming sensation is soon wrecked though, as Blake’s voice comes from the living room.

  ‘You told me the party was next Saturday,’ he groans loudly, although he spares us time to nod his head in acknowledgement as we enter. ‘No, definitely next Saturday… Of course I’m going, I’m just not happy about it- yes Dixie, you can borrow the car…’ he finishes dryly before laughing and hanging up. Then he turns to Jay. ‘Dude, I’ve got a problem.’

  Jay puts his hands up.

  ‘We’ve been through this before, there are pills for it if you’re having problems in that department.’

  Blake narrows his eyes.

  ‘You’re a dick.’

  ‘At least I have one.’

  ‘Dude, that makes your first comment completely void, asshole.’

  Jay shrugs, jumping onto the sofa and spreading himself out happily. ‘Regardless, you’re still the one trying to compensate for something.’

  Blake stares at him for a moment before shaking his head. ‘That makes no sense. Anyway, Charity’s Nineteenth is Saturday. Charity thinks I have a girlfriend, when actually I don’t.’

  ‘So really, this has a little bit to do with that department,’ Jay smirks. Blake just sighs and turns back to me, but I already know what he’s about to ask.

  ‘No,’ I say immediately, shaking my head. ‘That was a one time thing. Is that what the argument over the party was about? You need more time to figure out how not to come across as the pathetic guy you are.’

  ‘Bingo,’ Blake grins, winking. ‘Don’t give me that look, I know you worship me. If you don’t want to come, I guess I could always just kill you off,’ he muses.

  ‘Kill me off?’ I gasp, appalled. ‘Firstly, I’m too good to kill off. Secondly, what happens when she runs into me randomly in the street when I’m supposed to be dead? Can’t you just say I broke up with you or something? Better yet, why don’t you just not go?’

  ‘Firstly, you can’t break up with me, I have to break up with you. Secondly, if she finds out I’ve just broken up with you she’ll be all over me like one of those colossal squids,’ Blake cringes.

  ‘Plus, he can’t not go. That’ll look like he’s avoiding her and will ruin his social status, revealing him to be the sad little boy he is,’ Jay chimes. Blake gives him a withered look. ‘I’ve got your back, man.’

  ‘You’re both idiots,’ I laugh, still standing.

  ‘Please, Neve? It’ll be fun. You can’t deny you didn’t enjoy playing at being my girlfriend a tiny bit on Christmas,’ Blake winks, flashing that charming smile of his. That same smile that makes my stomach do flips.

  ‘I don’t have anything to wear,’ I protest, sinking into the opposite sofa and knowing that I’m falling into an argument I can’t win.

  ‘Just wear a dress or something fancy,’ Blake shrugs.

  ‘I don’t own a dress,’ I point out. Blake’s eyes widen in confusion.

  ‘But you’re a girl!’

  ‘That’s what I said!’ Jay shouts in agreement and the two boys share a look.

  ‘That’s it, I’m out,’ I announce, picking myself up and trying to escape from the lounge but Blake grabs my shoulders and keeps me rooted to the spot.

  ‘I’ll be good,’ he reasons. ‘Don’t make me get on my knees and beg.’

  ‘Now that I would like to see,’ Jay laughs. Blake ignores him.

  ‘Let me get this straight, you want me to be your girlfriend for the second time in order to stop your ex wanting to get back with you instead of doing the smart and honourable thing and just telling her that you don’t want to get back together with her?’ I raise an eyebrow.

  ‘Yes,’ Blake answers without hesitation. I sigh.

  ‘You owe me majorly, Ellsworth.’

  ‘I knew you’d cave eventually,’ Blake smirks. ‘Admit it; you did enjoy yourself last time.’

  ‘Over my dead body,’ I reply, sticking my tongue out at him. He just grins knowingly and flicks on the TV.

  I just shake my head and draw my knees up to hug them, mainly so that neither of the boys can see my red cheeks.

  CHAPTER 18

  ‘I can’t do this,’ I whisper to Jay, my feet rooted to the spot.

  ‘Well I’m not standing out here all day,’ Jay replies cheerily, waving me goodbye and starting to walk ahead. I grab his arm.

  ‘You’re impossible,’ I grumble, taking a deep breath.

  ‘Look, you’re gunna have to face them sooner or later. You can either walk in there with dignity or I can carry you in there screaming like a child,’ he shrugs, running a hand casually through his hair.

  ‘I remember some distant time ago when you used to be nice,’ I mutter, finally letting go of the handles of my bike and locking it in place. Jay winks and wraps an arm around my shoulders, subtly urging me forward.

  A year seven gets in my way but after one sour look from yours truly, he quickly moves on. Jay laughs.

  ‘Well, that’s one way to make new friends. Maybe if you stare the whole of sixth-form down they’ll fall in love and start worshipping you,’ he quips. I elbow him.

  ‘You are being no help at all, this is serious, Jay. That text just made everything worse than it already was. How the hell am I supposed to face anyone?’ I mope miserably.

  ‘By acting as if it never happened,’ Jay replies simply. ‘If you cower away, then you are giving whoever did this exactly what they want. You are only a victim if you choose to be one. Go out there and show them who’s boss, I’ve got your back. Got it?’

  ‘Yes, Sir,’ I laugh. Then I groan again as we reach the sixth form block. I need to go through it in order to get to Psychology.

  ‘I’m going this way but I’ll see you later,’ Jay suddenly announces and I freeze.

  ‘You can’t leave me!’ I wail, glancing around me.

  ‘This will only work if you do this on your own.’ I just glare at him. ‘Trust me on this, you have to show people that you don’t care what they think, even if you do. But I can’t do that for you.’ This time, Jay’s voice is softer, as if talking from experience.

  I sigh.

  ‘Where did all this tough love come from?’ I raise an eyebrow. He smirks.

  ‘Good luck,’ he replies as an answer before disappearing. I roll my eyes. Jay doesn’t have to worry about being the social outcast, I mean, just look at him, but something in his tone earlier has hit a nerve.

  Shrugging off the odd sensation, I take a deep breath and face the big double doors.

  Then I frown.

  This is ridiculous. I’m scared of entering a building I’ve been in and out of for almost seven years.

  Shaking my head furiously, I storm through the doors, although my bravado falls when I enter the room, underestimating just how many people would be in the common room at this time.

  A few students snigger or turn to their friends to engage in whispers. A few just stare at me and I catch the eye of a girl called Noah Presley who I know from art. Then the strangest thing happens.

  She smiles at me.

  Then she nods her head in acknowledgment and turns back to her friends, not to ignore
as such but as she would do if just acknowledging any of her friends who were just passing through.

  That’s the most normal exchange I’ve had with anyone in the past few months and I break into a smile of my own, flashing it at the people still staring before carrying on through to my lesson.

  I decide to skip registration again so I sink into my usual seat at the back of my psychology class, but I don’t feel the need to sink as far into the shadows as I usually would.

  A smile is such a small thing, but it’s amazing how much the small things matter.

  I don’t talk to anyone like usual, I don’t make eye contact or sit next to anyone but I don’t feel completely awkward either. And that little thing, that is very important.

  Managing to make it through the school day, I find myself having to tackle something as equally uncomfortable.

  I sit awkwardly on my hands in the chair in my counsellor’s office. Nadine looks just as awkward and shifts with discomfort.

  Charlie and Nadine are still going along with their coffee-dates and usually I try to avoid them as much as possible. But now there is no getting away from it.

  ‘Neve, about me and Charlie-’

  ‘Can we not,’ I interrupt, cringing. ‘Look, it’s bad enough we have to talk about my uncle’s dating life in the first place, can we at least just pretend I’m not talking to the woman he’s dating? Nadine the counsellor and Nadine who is Charlie’s… whatever… they are two different people,’ I state. Nadine sighs in relief and adjusts her glasses.

  ‘Okay,’ she starts again, her voice clearer this time. ‘I hear Charlie has started dating again. Does this bother you at all?’

  I shrug, finding it easier to use my voice now. ‘It doesn’t really bother me, he dates all the time. He should be happy right? Although, this is the first time it looks serious. Charlie doesn’t normally get past the first date.’

  Nadine tries to hide a smile.

  ‘Good. So you don’t feel threatened at all by this new person in any way? That she will somehow take Charlie’s attention off you?’

  I raise an eyebrow. Nadine gives me an apologetic look and I realise these are just standard questions.