The Couple Most Likely To

by Lilian Darcy

  Shed forgotten? The name of her own lost granddaughter?

  I know. It felt like a punch in the gut.

  He turned her into his arms and said against the softness of her hair, You are a miracle, Stacey.

  Because Im not like my mother? she whispered.

  Yes!

  He couldnt speak.

  He had more to remember.

  Those awful moments when theyd had to break the news to their respective parents that Stacey was pregnant. Theyd announced their plan to marry at the same time. He knew his parents had had doubts and concerns, but theyd expressed them in the context of their love and support, and theyd swallowed a lot of their fears, ready to just be there, rather than preach.

  Staceys mother had been far more vocal, all of it a variation on the theme of, How could you do this to me? How could Stacey and Jake embarrass Trisha Handley with a teen pregnancy in front of her friends? How could they make her a grandmother, when she was only forty-three? And if they thought theyd be able to dump the baby on her for free child care whenever they felt like it, it wasnt going to happen, because Bob Handleys company was transferring him to San Diego in the spring, thanks very much, so she wouldnt be around.

  He wasnt surprised that Stacey had chosen to stay in Portland when her parents and her younger sister had moved. Shed toughed out her freshman year at Portland State, earning a couple of incompletes when they lost the baby, and shed stayed on there after Jake himself had left town. Shed moved into one of the college dorms when her parents sold their house, continued her degree part-time while she worked, and, he suspected, had remained independent of her family ever since.

  He might question her choices and her priorities, but he would never question her courage.

  He held her closer, feeling the heat from the gas fire against his legs. She made no move to push him away, and time seemed to slow while the universe shrank to this one point of sanity and rightness. He and Stacey, holding each other, seventeen years too late. He pressed his cheek against hers, needing the touch of her skin. She rubbed her face against his jaw like a cat, and he could smell the soft, flowery fragrance she must have dabbed below her ears at the beginning of the evening.

  Oh, Jake

  He didnt intend to kiss her. He really didnt. But she pressed her lips to his cheekit wasnt an intentionally sexual or inviting gesture, and yet it had the same effect. This close, he wanted her, and his body reacted to the signals she sent, even if she didnt know she was sending them.

  Stace He turned his head the necessary inch and found her mouth, sweet and soft, while it was still imprinting those chaste, emotional kisses on his skinthe kind of kisses she might have given a crying child. Stace

  The kiss changed.

  She made a small sound of protest in her throat.

  Protest or need, he couldnt tell.

  Mixed signals.

  He interpreted them the way he wanted, supported by the evidence of her arms holding him tighter, her body going pliant and soft, her lips parting to welcome him in. Their tongues met and swirled together, and he remembered. They used to kiss for hours, long ago. They burned each other up.

  Tonight, she tasted of chocolate and wine and her hair smelled like strawberries. He felt the push of her breasts and the bump of her hips. He slid his hands over the back of her skirt, loving the taut curves he could feel beneath the swishy fabric.

  Her fingers stroked his neck, ran up into his hair. His mouth wasnt enough for her and she kissed his whole facehis closed lids, his cheekbones, his forehead and back to his eager lipsas if she had to learn every contour by heart while she could.

  They both grew breathless, and the heat of the fire became totally swamped by the throbbing heat in his groin. He wanted to pull off her clothing, see her body, feel the weight of her breasts in his hands, suckle her until she gasped and cried out, take her right here, thrusting into her swollen sweetness without another word or a pause for thought.

  If they were going to stop

  They had to stop.

  She thought so, anyhow.

  She pulled away with a gasping breath and held his face between her hands, studying the expression in his eyes.

  Which was probably pretty easy to read.

  You have a bad effect on me, she said.

  Yeah?

  Sounded like a nice idea. How much bad effect did she want? He had plenty, he could give her a ton of it. And her mouth was so close.

  Your body switches off my brain.

  Brains need a break, sometimes.

  Not tonight, Jake. Not with you.

  Not even when its obvious how much we both want it? Not even when we think about how good it once was?

  Especially not then. In her eyes, clouds crossed over the blue. II dont even know why were standing here like this. Why I let you kiss me. Or why I kissed you back. She muttered something under her breath. Swearing at herself?

  Stacey

  Should I still be angry with you? I have no idea. You talked about how you felt back then. Is that enough? Do you hear how I sound? Im at sea when it comes to you. I dont know what I do feel or what I should feel or what I want to feel.

  No

  It stopped being simple after Anna died and I dont think itll ever be simple again. If seventeen years of complicated living didnt solve it, Im not sure what could. She took a couple of shuddery breaths and then he felt her shoulders lift and square. Jake, lets please not get ourselves into a situation where this can be repeated. She dropped her hands from his face. Im sorry, he said again. Im sorry. Its what we missed before, isnt it? What I missed. The saying sorry. Its seventeen years too late, but for what its worth, after what weve said to each other tonight, Im so sorry.

  For what?

  For turning you into the bad guy when we split up. Youre right. I mean, I dont think that was my motivationto let myself off the hookbut I can see that the end result was the same. You felt as if it was your fault, and it wasnt. Its funny how two people can see the same situation from such opposite angles.

  He still held her loosely, but wasnt surprised a few seconds later when she peeled herself out of his arms and put some distance between them. I guess we did need this. The talk. But you should probably get back to your family dinner.

  Kicking me out?

  Not exactly. But I do think you should go. Her blue eyes still glittered with emotion.

  What are we left with then, Stacey?

  She spread her hands. You tell me. Were going to see each other pretty much every week, for as long as you stay in Portland. There should be an agreement. Daggers drawn? Nasty e-mails? Frosty formality? Her humor attempted to undercut the lingering atmosphere, but didnt fully succeed.

  Listen, I want us to beif not friends, then amicable colleagues. We can manage that, cant we?

  Sure. She gave a bright nod. I can do amicable. Ive had practice.

  Yeah?

  My parents. My sister. My ex. Im the queen of amicable. I wrote the manual. I can do amicable in my sleep, with both hands tied behind my back.

  Youre telling me thats not what you want?

  Not at all. I just wonder sometimes if thats the best I can hope for. She looked him in the eye. Sometimes amicable is just code for superficial, dont you think?

  Chapter Four

  A nd now Id like to introduce Dr. Jake Logan, whos going to talk to you about the different treatments we offer, Stacey said, as well as outlining some of the steps you might go through during the process of assessing which treatment will be the most appropriate. Dr. Logan has come to us following previous stints in Seattle and Denver, as well as a fellowship in Melbourne, Australia, where one of the worlds first successful in vitro fertilizations took place.

  She gestured to him and smiled, while he nodded and rose to his feet.

  Were very happy to have him working with us here at Portland General Hospital and the Childrens Connection, she continued, And if you choose to come to us for your fertility treatment, were sure youll be happ
y, too.

  She stepped back from the podium as the audience of around twelve couples applauded. Jake stepped forward, with everyones eyes upon him. Stacey held her breath. She hadnt heard him speak in public since the speech hed made as high school valedictorian, and not all medical professionals could express themselves clearly to lay people.

  The hospital ran regular information evenings on infertility, and she was responsible for coordinating speakers, collating handouts and generally making sure the evenings ran smoothly. It was important that the sessions were a success because couples in the Portland region had choices about where they could go for treatment.

  She and John had come here for theirs, while things were still settling down following the scandals of a few years ago, and she knew how close the place had come to being destroyed. Now, both the hospital and the associated Childrens Connection wanted to maintain and build their high profile and their solid reputation in the area of fertility treatment, and it was part of her job to make sure this happened.

  One of my maternity patients in Australia used to tell me that all she had to do to get pregnant was use her husbands toothbrush, Jake began. He paused for the ripple of laughter, and Stacey began to relax. This medical professional could hold an audience. She should have known.

  It wont surprise you that I helped her give birth to her sixth child, he continued. For all of you, however, its begun to seem as if a toothbrush isnt going to cut it in the conception department. Its a disappointment that is often intensely personal and difficult to face, and were going to have to work with you to achieve what you want. You already know it might not be an easy journey.

  He looked good up there, Stacey thought, as he continued to speak.

  He wore dark trousers and a pale gray business shirt with his hospital ID card pinned to the pocketthe brand-new ID card in which the photo shed taken last Friday seemed to capture his innate aura of warm, masculine sensuality. His hair caught the light when he moved and she glimpsed the silver threads shed noticed last week.

  When he smiled, the audience felt his warmth, and when he told them that this hospitals infertility program would give them the right support as well as results on par with any program in the country, they believed him.

  How could a man who spent his whole professional life promoting parenthood be so certain that he didnt want this role for himself?

  Stacey felt the sting of sudden tears.

  Was it the loss of Anna? It must be. The sadness of it caught at her heart.

  What a terrible responsibility to lay on their innocent child!

  You didnt do that for me, sweetheart, she whispered to their daughter inside her head. You showed me the oppositethat love is worth any amount of loss, that there can be a whole world of meaning in one tiny heart. And Im so grateful to you for it.

  Her heart ached for Jake, suddenly, and any lingering anger disappeared. How could she be angry with him, when hed lost so much more than she had? Was there any way she could communicate to him all the positive things that Anna had given her?

  Thinking about it, she only knew that she had to try. The need burned in her like a flame. Somehow, she owed it to Annas memory, and to all the good qualities in the man himself.

  Forget amicable. She was so tired of amicable. Her ex-husband, her parents, her sisterShe couldnt add Jakes name to the list. She had to try for more.

  Jake pressed the control he held in his hand so that the computerized slide presentation unfolded smoothly to illustrate each point he made, and he paused several times for questions because he knew it was best to deal with them in the right context. Couples nodded and murmured at each other. People whod been frowning when the session began were smiling now. He was so good at this!

  Then she saw him frown toward the side of the room. She glanced over to the supper table and realized that the big electric urn had begun to boil too rapidly, creating a distracting sound for Jake and for those seated nearby.

  She jumped up and turned it lower, checking that tea bags and sachets of coffee, milk and sugar, crackers and cookies were all set out in the right way. Jake nodded in her direction, and the brief eye contact was enough to throw her thoughts back to Saturday night all over again.

  Only three days ago.

  Shed slept badly that night, nagged by contradictory emotions and wrapped in vivid memories of their kiss. The next day she hadnt known what to do with herself and had frittered the time away until it was time to leave for Olympia to pick up the twins. Shed told John four oclock, but as usual she reached his house early, her heart lifting in anticipation.

  She always had the impression that John felt a little relieved, as he saw her pull into his driveway, to know that Max and Ella would soon be off his hands. He wasnt having them again until the last weekend in Januaryalmost three weeks awayand this time theyd agreed that she would drive them north late on Friday afternoon, and he would bring them home.

  They were great, hed told her. We went to one of those play-zone places yesterday. Tired them out nicely for their naps, while I managed to grab a coffee and skim the newspaper. I wish Max would eat better, though. Plain macaroni, apple and peanut butter, that was about it for the whole two days. We had a standoff at dinner last night over the fish fingers and peas.

  Who won?

  Nobody. He didnt eat the peas, he cried and drummed his heels on the floor for twenty minutes, and he didnt get dessert.

  Stacey resisted the temptation to believe she could have resolved the conflict more successfully, because in all likelihood she wouldnt have. Max was stubborn about food. Ella was stubborn about everything else.

  John tried hard.

  Hed tried hard when the two of them were first going out together. Hed swept her off her feetswept away her doubtswith the most romantic springtime proposal she could have imagined, renting a red Porsche convertible for the weekend and zooming her to a sunny, breeze-swept cliff top overlooking the mouth of the Columbia River before literally dropping to his knees and holding out a huge bunch of flowers and a ring.

  Hed worked at their marriage, and had supported her desire for a child all the way. In fact, hed pushed her harder and faster than she wanted to be pushed over the IVF treatment because hed known her hearts desire and he wanted her to have it. After batteries of tests, the doctors had found no specific cause for her infertility, and shed wanted to relax about it, give themselves another six months or even a year to conceive naturally. Shed suggested taking a couple of pampering vacations. Cant we go easy on ourselves for a bit, and maybe it will happen on its own?

  John had disagreed. If you want a baby that much, lets do what it takes, lets do it now, lets go with the maximum number of embryos the clinic is willing to implant. Why wait? Why do things by halves? I want to make you happy, Stacey.

  Ex-husbands didnt have to be the scum of the earth.

  But happiness didnt have to be something a man bulldozed in your direction because he was too impatient and single-minded to wait, said a little voice inside her.

  Sometimes John had tried too hard.

  the classic case of a couple whos trying too hard, she heard Jake say, in answer to someones question, and wondered how long she had gone without hearing anything of what was being said, before his words had somehow dovetailed with the direction of her own thoughts.

  The female half of another couple raised her hand. This isnt really a question, but Id just like to sayDr. Logan, I dont know if you remember us. Mike and Pattie McLeod, from Denver? You helped us to conceive through the GIFT procedure.

  He took a closer look, then smiled. Hey, yes, of course I remember you, Mrs. McLeod.

  Oh, make it Pattie, please!

  Pattie. Little guy came six weeks early, didnt he? What was his name?

  Lucas. And wed lost his twin early in the pregnancy.

  I remember that, too.

  But you were so good, Dr. Logan. We moved to Portland six months ago. Lucas is almost two now, healthy and happy. We wanted to try for
another one and we were so happy to hear you were involved with the program at Portland General. If anyone here is undecided about their options, wed have no hesitation in recommending Dr. Logan, would we, Mike?

  None, he agreed. He knows what hes doing, he explains what hes doing and he cares. There was a satisfied murmur from the crowd.

  Jake seemed pleased at the positive testimonial, but he didnt dwell on it, Stacey noted.

  The McLeods just mentioned GIFT, he said quickly. Gamete Intra-Fallopian Transfer. Weve already talked about it, but Mike and Pattie, would you be willing to answer peoples questions privately when we break for supper? The perspective of anyone whos actually been through these treatments is sometimes more helpful than anything a doctor can say.

  Mike McLeod looked to his wife for confirmation, then said, Sure, were happy to talk about our experience.

  Jake answered several more questions, then Stacey returned to the podium to introduce one of the fertility clinic nurses who outlined the steps a couple could expect to go through, beginning with their initial assessment.

  Finally, she introduced Marian Novak, the Director of Adoption Services at Childrens Connection. Because, as Marian will tell you, biological parenthood isnt the only way.

  Marian was a powerful advocate for the value of adopting older children or those with special needs, and Stacey saw one couple look at each other and nod, as if theyd been given something new and exciting to consider.

  Another couple didnt appear to be so happy. The husband raised his hand and stuck out his jaw. We heard thered been some serious problems here a few years ago, he said. IVF mix-ups, illegal adoption arrangements and even kidnappings? I gotta tell you, those are three of my worst nightmares, and I would sue the butts off of you people if we came to you for treatment and anything went wrong. What can you tell us to convince us those kinds of things cant happen again?

  Before Jake could even turn in her direction, Stacey jumped up.

  Ill take this one, she said, smiling. Sir, the reason none of that can happen again is because it was the product of a particular, very personal and very greedy vendetta. There were only a couple of people involved and they are out of the picture now. Justice was served, and any mix-ups or illegal dealings have been corrected and resolved. I can assure you, with the full backing of the hospitals legal department, that there will be no risk of any mistakes with fertility treatments or adoption arrangements at Childrens Connection in the future.