by Lilian Darcy
This relationship?
Yes.
Okay, then. Spit it out. She rubbed her nose across his and smoothed the lines on his forehead with her thumbs, dared to smile at him.
Spit it out?
Tell me how you see this relationship. Its details and its parameters.
And make it the same as my beautiful picture, please, because if our pictures are too different
Her relief had faded now. Parameters wasnt a good word. Details? Not brilliant, either.
Jake pulled back a little so he could see Staceys face, and her body language. Her shoulders hunched as she watched him in return, and she folded her arms across her front. Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened. She looked defiant and ready to challenge him.
Beyond this, he could see something else.
She looked scared.
The same way I feel
He had strategies for situations like this. He was a doctor, after all. You never let a patient see that theyd scared you with their symptoms. They didnt need emotion from you, they needed authority and competence and control, and he could do all of that in his sleep, whether it was Stacey wanting his take on their relationship, or a woman in prolonged labor who needed an urgent C-section so that her baby would survive.
I want more weekends like this one, he said. I know that, first off. He ran his hands down her arms, but they stayed wrapped, didnt unfurl to touch him.
So do I. Her voice was low.
She met Jakes gaze and he felt raw, not competent or in control at all. A part of him just wanted to run, to avoid this scene altogether and magically get back to a place where everything was okay, where they didnt need to negotiate like this, and could simply let everything unfold at its own pace.
He knew it was impossible.
Because she had kids.
Im wondering if thats the best way to handle it, he said.
If what? She frowned, not following his line of thought.
The weekends. If you were right in what you implied when you first came over here with the twins two weeks ago. Im thinking its best if we only see each other when Ella and Max are with John.
What? Did I ever? Instantly, she was indignant.
You said I didnt know what I was letting myself in for, he cut in, and Im admitting now that you were right. Itshard, Stacey. These are another mans kids. Youve talked about it yourself, in relation to the idea of John dating again. Its not a casual involvement that I can pick up and drop at will.
Im not suggesting that, am I?
Of course youre not. But theres a choice that has to be made. To make a commitment to Max and Ella, or to stay at a safe distance from their lives. Its not something I can blow hot and cold over. Theres no gray area. Its too important for that. I could hurt them. I could hurt you. I could hurt he took a breath that wasnt quite steady, and hoped she wouldnt pick up on it myself. He went on quickly, And I dont want anyone to get hurt over this, least of all two innocent kids.
So youre choosing the safe distance? Youre making that choice on behalf of all four of us?
Yes.
She looked very angry now. How are we going to work it? Pretend that each other doesnt exist for the twelve to twenty days between Johns weekends? She gave him a hard look. Do you want this relationship at all?
Of course I want it! How can you doubt that? He tried to kiss her but she fought him away.
A sound like a whimper escaped from her throat and it gave him a sense of strength and hope. She couldnt walk away. They both wanted each other too much, didnt they? It ached in him and burned him up every minute he was with her, and most of the minutes when he wasnt, and he knew she felt the same because he knew her so well. She would not be here now, and she would not have spent the night with him, if she wasnt every bit as twisted up over this as he was.
And yet she wouldnt kiss him.
He brushed his cheek against hers, tried to find her mouth, but she pressed her lips tight together, closed her eyes and turned her head away. He tried harder, caressing the soft hair he loved, capturing the clean line of her jaw in his palm, whispering to her and kissing her face. She stayed stiff and stubborn, and he couldnt keep pushing for something she didnt want.
Okay, okay he said softly. Were beyond that, arent we? We have to work this out, first.
Her eyes flashed open. You want to know how I can doubt that you want the relationship? Because were a package deal, Jake, the twins and I! I cant conceive of my life without Ella and Max. Im not me anymore, without them. Her voice went foggy and unsteady, shocking him with its emotion.
Were not talking aboutStacey, youre making too much of this! he said on a harsh whisper. He felt a muscle pull in his throat, he was holding himself so tight. Im not asking you to deprive yourself of one single hour of the time you spend with your kids.
No. Youre just asking me only to see you on the weekends theyre with John. Which means youre asking me to pretend that they dont exist.
No!
Youre asking me to pretend, in the context of our relationship, that my children dont exist, she repeated, sounding even angrier.
Because I dont want to hurt them.
Because you dont want to hurt or challenge or even, heaven help you, Jake Logan, inconvenience your self by having a whole, one hundred percent, real relationship. I dont think its anything to do with hurting them, or hurting me. So tell me just what the hell any relationship between us would mean under those narrow circumstances?
It would mean what it meant last night. Time together. Just the two of us. No stress. No distractions. Is that bad?
Its not enough! Is that all youre ever going to want? All youre ever going to promise?
Should I make any kind of a promise before I know if I can keep it? Isnt that what John did, and then he found that he couldnt?
Youre not John.
No, Im not. Thats why were having this argument, instead of me telling you exactly what you want to hear, the way he did. Youve told me that. Im being honest. Is that wrong?
Was she even listening?
Are you waiting for proof, or something? She shook her head, pressing her fingertips against her temples as if they throbbed. Youre never going to get proof, Jake. Some things you just have to take on faith. And if you cant do that
This is too important for faith.
No. Faith is the only possibility, when somethings this important! I thought youd warmed to my kids and started to care about them
I have. Theyre great.
She ignored him. and I thought that you were getting to know how to handle them, getting to understand what it meant to have them in your life.
I am, which isnt fair on them beyond a certain point. And thats why this decision has to be made now.
There was a heavy beat of silence.
Its already been made, Jake. She turned on her heel, blinking back tears. Im getting dressed. You dont have to take me home. Ill call a cab.
Chapter Twelve
J ake was waiting for Stacey at the foot of the stairs when she came back down, dressed in yesterdays clothing. She hadnt showeredhad been too upset to spend a second longer than she had to in Jakes houseand felt stale and tired.
Cancel the cab, he said. Ill drive you.
Its fine. She stepped past him, toward the front door.
No, its not. We need to
We need to get out of each others space. Im angry. And ImIm hurting, Jake. I cant believe you are doing this. Running away. Again. I cant believe I let you do this to me. For once in my life I wanted a relationship with another adult that would be more than amicable, so I ignored all the warning signs. And I knew it would hurt. But I didnt think it would hurt so much, so soon. She practically had to gasp out each word. They were sobs more than words, every one of them jerky and breathy and tight.
Last night he began.
Last night was so wonderful. All night it was wonderful, lying beside you. It felt so right. It always has. This morning was wonderful. Waking up still t
ouching you. Feeling the heat of your body against mine. But its not enough, Jake. I cant carve my life into little pieces to fit what you want. These are my kids were talking about. My children. The most precious, important things in my life. I need courage and faith and promises, and so do Ella and Max. Youve told me you cant give me those things. So, no, Im not canceling the cab.
She looked through the glass panels beside his door and saw the taxi cruise to a halt in front of the house. Any minute, the cab driver would beep his horn. At the edge of her vision, she saw Jake move to open the door for her. He looked white and dry-lipped, and she knew that she could never accuse him of taking any of this lightly.
Instinctively, she wanted to make him feel better, hug him close one last time because even when they were this much at odds with each other, something about their hearts still belonged.
She couldnt explain it, even to herself.
He held open the door, silent and struggling. Only as she stepped through it did he finally manage to say, Call me, Stacey.
Why? What about?
I dont know. Just call.
Helplessly, she gave him one last look but couldnt even say goodbye and neither did he. He just leaned on the door handle as he watched her walk down the steps toward the waiting cab. When she climbed out of it in front of her own house, she felt as stiff and aching in the joints as an old woman.
Inside, she listened to her messages because it was one of those things you did when you walked in your doorone of those things you did when you couldnt summon the will or the organizational skills to do anything else, because all this task involved was the press of a button.
Stacey? said Giselles machine-distorted voice. I have some great news for you. There was a pause. Well, I hope youll think its great news. How come you are never home when I call, by the way? Im coming for the weekend. My flight gets in Saturday at 10:05, but dont worry about picking me up, Ill get a cab from the airport. Busting to see you, sis. Call me if you get this message. Dont leave me sitting on your front doorstep without a key, okay?
Stacey had almost done exactly this.
She checked her watch and realized that if Giselles flight got in on time she could be here at any moment. It was the last thing she wanted, when she felt like crawling into bed, staying there for hours and cradling the ache in her stomach the way she used to cradle the growing bulge of her babies as they developed inside her.
With a bitter private smile, she wondered what would happen if she cried on her baby sisters shoulder the moment she walked through the door, and realized she couldnt face the possibility that she might spill her heart, with all its anguish and doubt, to GiselleGiselle, with her perfect life, basking in the warm glow of parental approval.
I have to pull myself together before she gets here, she knew. I have to bury everything safely inside where she wont see or guess. Its going to be amicable or bust, as usual.
She hurried up the stairs and into the shower, stripping quickly, throwing every garment into the hamper because all of them smelled of Jake and their night together. The hot needles of water washed away some of the stiffness and a tiny bit of the pain. They cleaned up her tears and masked the redness around her eyes.
Shed just found fresh clothing, pulled a brush through her damp hair and disguised the ravages of the morning with a little makeup when she heard the doorbell downstairs.
Showtime.
She went down and opened the door to her sister on the doorstep.
Oh, Stacey, its so good to see you!
Giselle looked as glamorous and beautiful as any trophy wife should. She wore reda gorgeously cut scarlet wool coat, a darling scarlet felt hat dipped over her forehead, a red cashmere sweater that showed every curve, red leather boots andjust in case the red theme was getting too muchdesigner blue denim jeans. She enfolded Stacey in a very expensive scarlet hug andincongruous detailStacey felt her tremble a little as she held the contact for longer than usual.
Are you okay, Giselle?
Of course Im okay. Giselle gave a haughty sniff and marched inside with a shopping bag in one hand and a bulging overnight bag in the other. Or I will be, when Ive had coffee.
Same here, said Stacey. Ill put some on.
She led the way toward her kitchen. Behind her, Giselle put her bags down at the foot of the stairs. Actually, came her voice, sounding very small, suddenly. That was a lie, just now. Im not okay, Stacey.
Stacey paused and turned. This was a surprise. Or maybe not. Maybe those answering machine messages over the past few weeks had been just a little too perky, even for her sister. No? she said gently.
Major no. She flapped her hands. I wanna laugh about it. Be cynical. And drawl a lot. So my marriage is over, Ill get the best divorce lawyer in California and take the bastard to the cleaners. And smoke. I wanna smoke soooo bad!
Youve never smoked, Stacey said blankly.
I know. Am I too old to start? Wait, I can answer that. Im too pregnant to start.
Giselle? Youre pregnant? Thats!
Not so wonderful, apparently.
And Im crying. And ruining my makeup. Which is not from the discount drugstore, let me tell you. Stirling says Ive been spending too much. But thats not the issue. Hes looking for excuses. Because of the aff she couldnt get the word out, because she was crying sffair.
Oh, Giselle. Oh, honey. Stacey wrapped her sister in a much better hug, this time around, and forgot roughly ninety-five percent of the times theyd rubbed each other the wrong way, in the past, or been critical of each others choices, or fought each other for their mothers approval and Giselle had always won.
Great surprise weekend visit, huh? her baby sister said.
Not for you, but for me it is. I am really glad you came. Actually, Jizzy, I think this is the nicest thing youve ever done for me, to think of my shoulder as the one to cry on. Which doesnt sound like a compliment, does it? But I mean it as one. Hey, let me get us that coffee before Ive dug myself so deep in the hole I cant see out the top.
Giselle laughed through her tears. You havent dug yourself in a hole. Its true. We havent been close. Ive always felt I had so much to prove to you.
Prove to me?
Youve lived your own life. Youre brave. Me, Im such a lightweight. Which has suited Mom until now because it means Ive never given her any grief.
Youre not a lightweight!
II dont even know why I picked your shoulder. Maybe because Mom doesnt want to know, and my so-called friends want to wait to find out the size of my alimony payment before they decide whose side theyre on.
That bad?
With the friends?
With the marriage. With Stirling.
She shrugged. Think so. Been happening for a while. Since two days after I found out I was pregnant, in fact.
When was that, honey?
Middle of November. Im starting to show, if you look.
Oh, lies! You are as flat as a pancake!
Im not. With a wry smile, Giselle took Staceys hand and guided it to just below the waistband of the designer jeans. See? she said softly. Its a bump, and its hard. Theres a baby in there. Ive seen its heartbeat on the sonogram. Isnt that a miracle? Even with Stirling being such a piece of slime with this chicky-babe of his, its a miracle.
It is. Stacey hugged her again. Its wonderful.
Only I wont tell you what Mom thinks I should do about it, quoting here, if you cant do the work to save your marriage, unquote.
Oh, shoot! Stacey said. You dont have to tell me what Mom thinks you should do about the baby, because she said the same thing to me seventeen years ago, and so I know.
Oh, Stacey! With Jake? When you were pregnant and there was all that fuss? I never knew!
Im starting to think theres a lot weve never said to each other, Giselle. And speaking of Jake
They talked for three solid hours, about Jake and his fear of promises he couldnt keep, about Stirling and his affair, about their mom and dad, and the twins, and John and about fifty
other thingssome trivial, some importantwhile sitting at her kitchen table drinking coffee and eating every bit of chocolate Stacey had in the house.
To be honest, Stacey ate most of it, and Giselle ate two apples and a banana, as well, for the baby.
When they were all talked out, they went to the mall. Several crammed shopping bags later, Giselle got hungry and they discovered it was already dark outside so they went and ate MexicanThe baby wants Mexican, Giselle insisted, Lots of Mexicanand didnt get home until nine oclock, at which point the baby unsurprisingly wanted heartburn medication.
And yet, even though were both miserable, hasnt it been the best day, Stacey? Giselle said.
It leaves amicable in the dust, she agreed, and when she explained about the unsatisfactory, superficial nature of amicable, Giselle completely understood.
Jake, this is John, said a male voice over the phone when Jake picked it up at four oclock on Sunday afternoon. John Deroy.
It wasnt who hed expected to hear.
Yeah, hi, John. Whats up? An uneasiness twisted in his gut. All yesterday and all today, hed been hoping Stacey would call but she hadnt. At least five times, hed picked up the phone to call her, but then hed hit a wall.
What would he say?
What had changed?
A part of him thought he had to be the biggest coward in the world. He should just step up to the plate without even thinking about it, commit himself to Max and Ella like committing himself to home-delivery pizza topping. Mushroom and onion. Done deal. No regrets. No second chances. No significant downside.
But kids werent pizza toppings.
Stacey was being unfair.
He had to stick to his principles on this. He couldnt make rash promises, couldnt take on the biggest responsibility of a mans life when he doubted, in his heart, that he could live up to it.
Hearing John at the other end of the line, he almost challenged him.
How could you do it, Deroy? How could you push Stacey into something neither of you were ready for, or right for together, without making the effort to step back and work out what you really wanted? Were not talking pizza toppings. Do you know what damage youve done?