“Waiting’s always hard,” Alex said.
She just nodded and let the silence come back. Except that there was no such thing as silence in this place. Everyone seemed to be shouting and clanking and slurping and laughing.
Three days until the results! That seemed like forever.
Alex didn’t push her to talk and in a short while their meals came. Once they had eaten, he suggested a stroll around the neighborhood and she readily agreed. Anything to keep from thinking too much!
The afternoon didn’t exactly race by, though. The stores along Michigan Avenue were wonderful—so much to look at—yet Fiona couldn’t forget for a moment why she was there.
Alex tried hard; he was a wonderful guide. He took her into the Water Tower Place shopping center and showed her all the best spots from the glass elevator, then walked her through the specialty stores. She saw dinosaur wind socks in the nature store and socks of every imaginable style and color in the sock store. He bought her a cup of sweet cinnamon coffee, then a pound of it when she said it was good.
“You didn’t have to do this,” she said as the coffee was wrapped for her. “We have good coffee at home.”
“Hey, everybody needs a treat now and then.”
What was his? she wondered. When he was feeling down or lonely or confused, how did he bring joy back into his life? But she knew him well enough to know she wouldn’t get an answer.
Just as she was wearying of the elegance of the multistoried shopping mall, he took her across the street to a toy store and made her walk across the piano keyboard in the floor. Then he showed her robots of every size, shape and function. Dolls, hundreds and hundreds of them. And stuffed animals so real she expected them to move.
He was trying so hard to distract her thoughts that she forced herself to laugh and marvel and smile, even if no sunshine was reaching her heart. But she was glad when he saw it was almost six o’clock and suggested that they drive to one of the restaurants on the north side of the city for dinner.
“You feel like Italian? Chinese? Mexican?” he asked her.
“Anything is all right,” she assured him. She was no more hungry for dinner than she’d been for lunch, but would be glad to sit down for a while.
“How about steaks?”
She really didn’t care; she would eat whatever he wanted. But she could see he wanted her to make a decision. “Steaks are fine,” she said.
So they went to Bowers—in a red sports car that was Alex’s car du jour. The restaurant was embarrassingly expensive and decorated to look like a forest. Between murals on the walls, potted trees, and a babbling brook that wove through the dining room, Fiona felt like she’d wandered into “Little Red Riding Hood.” The hushed elegance of the atmosphere made her want to whisper. The food was delicious, but she suspected the manners police were hiding out behind every fake tree here, waiting for her to use the wrong fork or spill something or talk too loudly. Weariness crept up on her finally, though, and she sat back from the table, her meal only half-finished.
“You have a dog?” Fiona asked Alex.
He looked surprised at the question. “No. I don’t have any pets.”
“Oh.” She made a face at the food left on her plate. “I thought maybe you’d have a use for a doggy bag.”
“Only if dust bunnies eat meat.”
“Doesn’t it get lonely living alone?” she asked, then frowned at her stupidity. She felt like a fool. Or worse, like some lonely old spinster, assuming that everyone was alone also. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where my mind is. Just because you don’t have a dog or cat, doesn’t mean you live alone. Or are lonely.”
He smiled at her. “Well, I do live alone,” he said. “And no, I don’t have any ‘significant other’ at this time.”
She thought he was mocking her, that he thought her statement had been a pressing for details of his personal life. “I wasn’t asking that,” she said. Her voice sounded stiff and that troubled her. He’d been so kind to her, she shouldn’t repay it with rudeness. “I just have had pets for so long, I can’t imagine not having them.”
He looked away. “I didn’t have any pets as a kid,” he said. “I think that’s what sets you up to have them later.”
“I guess.”
He looked at her plate. “You done?”
She shrugged. “It seems a waste of good money, but…”
“It’s the Andrewses’ money,” Alex replied and waved the waiter over. “And, believe me, we could spend ten times as much and they still wouldn’t miss it.”
She suspected that was true, but it still wasn’t in her to waste things. “I have a refrigerator in my hotel room,” she said. “I could take it with me and have it for breakfast.”
“Cold chicken Cordon Bleu for breakfast?”
“You’ve never had cold pizza for breakfast?”
“Yeah, but-”
The waiter was there, looking like a disapproving father. “Was something wrong with your dinner, ma’am?” he asked.
“No, nothing,” Fiona said quickly, almost afraid she was going to be sent to her room. “I’m just a touch under the weather.”
“Want to pack those leftovers up?” Alex asked him.
“Oh, it’s all right,” Fiona replied. “I don’t want to be a bother.”
“It’s his job to let us bother him,” Alex told her, and glanced up at the man. “Right?”
“Absolutely,” the waiter said as he took Fiona’s plate. “No problem.”
“See?” Alex smiled at her. “Nothing to worry about except how you’re going to manage to eat that for breakfast.”
Fiona smiled at him and at the waiter, but knew they both must think she was an idiot. Maybe she was. She just waited in silence for the waiter to return with her leftovers and Alex’s change, then went with Alex out to the car.
He opened the door and tenderly put her into the passenger seat, holding and guiding her as if he were laying a fragile egg in its nest. Then, while he hurried around to the driver’s side, she dropped her head back and watched her mind collapse.
She was such a fraud. She was stronger than this. She didn’t need a sitter. She just needed to pull herself together and take charge.
“What do you want to do now?” he asked, once he was settled in the driver’s seat. “Want to go to a movie?”
“Look, I-”
“Of course, you wouldn’t.” He thumped the side of his head with his open hand. “Dumb. You don’t have to come to a big city to see a movie.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the idea, it’s just that—”
“How about a play?” Alex asked. “You don’t have many of them in South Bend, do you?”
“We have a lot of theater productions,” she informed him. “There are four colleges in the area. It’s not like we’re some hick burg. But you don’t have to entertain me.”
“Why don’t I buy a paper and we can check out the entertainment scene? There’s got to be something you’d like to do or see.”
Didn’t he know how to listen? “I’d like to go back to my room.”
“The evening’s barely started,” he replied, glancing at his watch.
“Don’t worry,” Fiona said. “I won’t tell Mr. Andrews that you quit early. It’ll be our secret.”
Alex just stared at her, his lips tight and straight. No fast quips. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I know you’re looking after me because Mr. Andrews has hired you to,” she said. “And you’ve been really sweet about it, but—”
“You’re going to ruin my reputation with talk like that.”
Fiona looked more closely at him. Was he laughing at her? She was sure that there was a definite smirk on his face.
“Good,” she snapped.
There was a long moment of silence that didn’t feel all that quiet, somehow. Then Alex’s arm came around her shoulder. She wanted to push it off, to tell him that she didn’t need his sympathy or his strength or his support. But it
was so nice to have someone to lean on.
“This whole thing just getting to you?” he said gently.
Oh, heck. She let her body lean against his.
“I hate to admit it,” she said. “But yes, it is.”
“Let’s go over and look at the lake.”
Fiona just sat there. Going back to her room would be a better idea. It would be like running into a deep, dark cave and hiding from the world.
“I go down to the lake whenever my own load gets heavy,” Alex said. “You look at that wide expanse of water and space, and whatever’s bothering you shrinks down to a manageable size.”
She didn’t say anything, but the idea sounded tempting.
“Just for a little while.” Alex’s soft voice gently massaged her ear. “Just until you feel better. Then I’ll take you to your room.”
A lump had risen in her throat. All Fiona could do was nod. Silently, Alex turned on the ignition and drove the car out of the parking lot.
They went quickly from gritty streets to luxurious avenues lined with mansions. Once past those brownstones they came to a large parking lot and the lake was before them. It had been a windy day and the surface of the water was active, but even that seemed restful. It was as if the waves were washing away her cares.
They got out of the car and walked slowly over the sand to sit on a low wall about thirty feet from the water. Fiona took a deep breath of the evening air—damp, chilly, smelling like fish and water, but wonderful.
“Is it working?” he asked as he took her hand in his.
“Yes,” she said. She was becoming a little more relaxed. It wasn’t like a peace descending on her; it was more like an acceptance. “You know, I had pretty much come to terms with never knowing anything about my child.”
“But now things have changed.”
“What if I can’t help her?” she said. “I don’t have very many blood relatives. Just Samantha and Cassie.”
“Would you ask them to be tested?”
Was he joking? She looked at him, but couldn’t read his eyes in the fading light. “Of course. Just because I nevertold, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t.”
“The longer the silence, the harder it is to break.”
“Maybe,” she said. “But there was no reason to tell them before.”
“Except that it was the truth,” he said. “An awful lot of pain could be avoided if people just told the truth up front.”
Fiona frowned at him then. A bitterness in his voice said he was elsewhere, that some ghost from the past had come back to claim him. She wished she could reach her hand out to him as he’d been doing for her, but he didn’t seem the type to accept solace.
“Why hurt someone unnecessarily?” she asked.
“Because the hurt is always there. It’s just not so mean if it doesn’t have to smash down a bunch of walls to get out.”
She said nothing, but just clutched his hand as they gazed out at the water. What kind of hurts did he come here to ease?
Alex led Fiona through the midday sunshine along the paved park path. He’d picked her up just a little before noon, telling her that he had a special surprise for her. From the shadows under her eyes he doubted that she’d taken advantage of the chance to sleep late, but he didn’t mention it.
To be honest, he hadn’t slept all that much himself. And he didn’t have the excuse that Fiona had. No, it was just thoughts of her and all she was going through that haunted him. And that in turn annoyed him. What was happening to his professionalism? He thought he’d outgrown his need to rescue damsels in distress. Around four in the morning, he’d given up his self-analysis and just tried to figure out what they could do that day. The answer came to him about the same time that the early sun filtered through his blinds.
So he’d picked Fiona up and they’d taken a cab to Lincoln Park. Just outside the aviary, he blindfolded her, much to her irritation.
“Alex, I don’t like this.” She raised her hand and pulled at the blindfold. “I like to see where I’m going.”
“Don’t worry. I’m watching out for you.”
He guided Fiona around a cluster of benches in the middle of the walkway and past flower beds with some little purple flowers just starting to bloom. Somehow she reminded him of those little blossoms, poking their heads out into the cold and trying to be brave enough to bloom.
“I prefer to watch out for myself.”
He knew that. “You’re going to spoil the surprise.”
He also knew she didn’t like surprises, but he’d decided this morning, while eating some stale toast for breakfast, that this certain surprise was just what she needed. It would show her that Chicago wasn’t so foreign a land as she thought.
“How much farther do we have to go?”
“Just a little bit,” Alex replied.
They rounded a curve and Alex led her to a three-rail wooden fence. All around them the park was just starting to come alive with spring. This couldn’t help but make her feel good.
“Okay.” He put her hands on the top rail of the fence and took off the blindfold. “Here we are.”
“This is the surprise?” Her expression was quizzical as she looked around the pond. “You wanted to show me the Chicago duck pond?”
“Hey, what’s wrong with it?” He pointed over the expanse of water. “We got lots of swell ducks and over there are some great geese.”
“And it’s certainly bigger than ours back home.”
“Actually this is the Lincoln Park duck pond.” He looked all around the lagoon. Ducks and geese were fine, but not why he’d brought her here. Where the hell were the damn things?
“Boy, now you’re really showing off. Not only do you have bigger duck ponds than South Bend but you have more of them. I’ve always envied the cultural amenities of the big city.”
Out from behind some low-hanging branches glided two regal figures. About time! “Pipe down for a minute,” Alex said. “And look over there.”
She did as she was told, then gasped.
“Oh, Alex!” she exclaimed. “Swans.”
His heart lifted with the excitement in her voice as the two white birds glided out into more open water, but rather than watch them, he turned to look at Fiona. The light dancing in her eyes was as bright as the sun, the laughter flowing from her lips was more lilting than the songs of the birds around them. He felt a tightening in his loins, a hunger to bury himself in that warmth and sweetness.
“What are their names?” she demanded.
His smile faded. “I don’t know. Mutt and Jeff?”
She frowned at him and the hunger in him grew. He wanted to see if that frown would taste any sweeter than her laughter. He wanted to bring that laughter back into her eyes.
“Those aren’t swan names. They have to be something special like Adam and Eve. Anthony and Cleopatra. Pocahontas and John Alden.”
He leaned on the fence, his back to the swans. “You’re a romantic,” he said. “I never would have guessed it, but you’re a romantic.”
“I’m about the most unromantic person around,” she countered, her voice sounding slightly dejected. “I lead a very practical life.”
“And look for romance everywhere,” he added.
“I do not,” she protested.
“Sure, you do. I can see you getting all sentimental around Valentine’s Day. You probably love weepy movies and think that there’s one true love for everybody.”
“I wish that there was,” she said. “But I’m not always sure.”
He laughed, hoping to extinguish those sparks of sympathy. That was the last thing he needed. Or wanted. “You want proof there isn’t?” he said. “Just look at my mother. She was married four times before I was sixteen and twice since then. Not one lasted more than a couple of years, though most were finished long before that.”
“Poor woman,” Fiona murmured.
“What?” That was just like Fiona. She would feel sorry for anyone, no matter whether they needed it
or deserved it. “My mother just always goes out with jerks.”
Fiona put a soft finger to his lips, holding them closed. “Shush,” she said. “You shouldn’t say anything bad about your mother.”
Alex felt a twinge of exasperation. Fiona could only say that because she’d never met his mother. Even his mother agreed she would be better off taking up needlepoint as a hobby.
“She must desperately need love,” Fiona said.
Alex frowned at Fiona. He’d never seen his mother painted in that kind of light before, not by himself nor by anyone who knew them. People had always mocked her, laughed about how she would wear a man out in a matter of days. Now he felt a little sorry for her, and that made him uncomfortable.
He looked off over the lagoon, at the two swans swimming together as if they were the only ones that existed. It made Alex feel almost lonely, like he was missing out on something by not even looking. It wasn’t a feeling he liked, and he kicked it aside like a branch fallen across his path. He had looked and found himself lacking.
“Hey, you’re sort of a swan expert,” he said to Fiona. “What secret do you think they have? Do they date a lot before settling down? Or is it just a first come, first served thing?”
She just gave him a look that said she wasn’t fooled by his attempt at humor. “I don’t think swans are all that different from us. I think there’s something deep down inside them that calls to the other.”
He laughed. “Guess I wasn’t home when my call came in. I never got it.”
“Or else you purposely weren’t listening.”
“Me? How can you say that?” He didn’t have to pretend surprise at her remark. But the surprise was that he was that transparent. Or was she reading his mind again?
“Because you obviously avoid involvement.” She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. “Come on. Show me the rest of the zoo.”
But his feet stayed rooted in place as fears warred with hungers in his heart. Fear that he would always be alone struck out at his fear of letting anyone close to him. But they both weakened in the face of his hungers. He had never met someone trying so hard to be strong who needed so badly just to be held. And he wanted to be the one to hold her, to taste her sweetness and drown in the caring in those eyes. He wanted to be strong and fight her battles, slay her dragons and teach her that she deserved to be happy.
On Mother's Day (Great Expectations #1) Page 6