A Family To Cherish

by Carole Gift Page

  “Not because I didn’t love you, Doug. Because somehow it seemed wrong to take pleasure in the very act that had created Caitlin. I couldn’t let myself feel pleasure because then I’d feel the pain, too.”

  “I only wanted to be close to you, to comfort you.”

  “I needed another kind of comfort, Doug. I needed you to tell me how you felt. I needed you to weep with me over Caitlin, but after that first day, you never cried again. I couldn’t understand how you could just pick up your life and go on without ever shedding another tear.”

  “I didn’t want to upset you.”

  “I longed for us to weep together. I felt as if our relationship had become a barren desert that only our tears could water. But you never offered them.”

  “I never knew, Barb. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry, too. Sorry I closed you out and made you think I blamed you. I never did.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Right now, I’m not sure of anything, except that I love you.”

  He held her tightly against him. “I love you, too.”

  They slipped into a pensive silence again. Finally Barbara said, “Maybe a part of me did blame you, Doug. I blamed God. I closed my heart to Him just as I closed myself to you. But these last few weeks I’ve begun to find Him again, and He’s healing me. Really healing me from the inside out. I feel love blossoming in my heart again—love for you, love for God, love for Janee—replacing the numbness and the anger. I know—and this is hard to say—but I know His love will sustain us, no matter what happens with Janee.”

  “You make me hungry for that kind of faith, Barb.”

  “It’s not me, Doug. It’s what God has done in my heart. It’s all Him.”

  “I wish I had that kind of closeness with Him. It’s been a long, dry spell trying to make it on my own.”

  “We could pray now, Doug. Please. Pray for Janee. Pray for us.”

  “I’m rusty. I don’t know the words.”

  “Say what’s in your heart.”

  Doug squeezed Barbara’s hand tightly, lowered his head and said falteringly, “God, I’m not good at this…finding the right words…saying what I feel. You and I—we’ve been out of touch too long. Help me make things right with You—and right with Barb. Help us to find Janee. And if You’re willing, we’d sure like a chance to raise her as our own. Thanks, Lord, for listening.”

  “Yes, Lord, thank you,” Barbara whispered. She relaxed her forehead against Doug’s cheek and marveled to find it wet with tears. “Doug, you’re crying.”

  Embarrassed, he drew back and with an awkward hand wiped away the wetness. “No, I’m just a little choked up,” he conceded.

  She seized his hand and touched the velvety smooth cheek where the tears had been. “Don’t brush them away, darling. I’ve waited too long for them. Those tears are watering the garden of our love.” She nuzzled her cheek against his and whispered, “And our prayers are the sunshine making our love grow again, because we have the Son shining in our hearts.”

  He chuckled. “We could wax poetic all night, Barbie, but we’d better get back to the cabin and see if they’ve found Janee.”

  She stood up, still holding his hand. “Oh, Doug, I pray to God they’ve found her.”

  In less than ten minutes they arrived back at the cabin. As they made their way through the dusky backyard toward the house, Barbara spotted someone moving through the shadows. It was Trent Townsend crossing his property toward them with something in his arms. As he approached, Barbara could see more clearly. Dear heavens, Janee!

  Was she alive? Hurt?

  Barbara broke into a run toward them, Doug swiftly on her heels. “Janee! Janee!” she cried as she closed the distance between the two yards. She was breathing hard when she reached Trent. Even in the chill air she felt feverish with anxiety and excitement.

  “I found our girl, Barb,” Trent trumpeted proudly.

  Barbara was panting, holding her aching sides as she searched Janee’s moonlit face. “Are—Are you okay, baby?”

  Trent hoisted Janee up against his broad shoulder. “She’s fine, Barb. A little scared.”

  Janee’s corn-silk hair was mussed, and dirt smudged her round cheeks. Her lower lip stuck out in a pout as she wound her arms tightly around Trent’s neck.

  “Where was she?” asked Doug, joining them.

  “In a little alcove at the back of my property. A small cave beside a grassy thicket in the woods.”

  “A cave?” Barbara echoed uncomprehendingly.

  “Yeah, a cave. Hardly more than a hollow in the rock. She was curled up asleep like a little snail.”

  “How would she find a cave?”

  “Janee and I discovered it that day we were putting out the nesting boxes, Barbara. Janee was fascinated by it. She was sure it was the home of some cute little animal.”

  “Yes, I think she might have mentioned it.” Barbara held her arms out to Janee. “Come here, sweetie. I’m so glad Trent found you. We were so worried.”

  Janee gazed solemnly at Barbara for a moment, then turned away, burrowing her face against Trent’s shoulder.

  Barbara exchanged a puzzled glance with Doug, then tried again. “Please, Janee, talk to me. I love you, honey.”

  Janee peered around at Barbara with dark, reproachful eyes. “You want your other little girl,” she said in a small, accusing voice. “Not me. She’s the one you love.”

  Barbara reeled, stricken, Janee’s anguished words piercing her heart. Heaven help her, Janee had heard Pam’s dark accusations! With tears blinding her eyes Barbara reached out instinctively for Janee, and the child reluctantly allowed herself to be gathered into Barbara’s arms. She was a wonderful bundle of paradoxes—a cuddly warm body, cold arms, wet cheeks, and hair filled with the sweet smells of the forest and night air.

  Barbara held her close and smoothed her tousled curls. “Janee, darling, don’t you understand? I love you both. You and Caitlin. Just like you still love your mommy in heaven. But that’s okay. Because our hearts are big enough to hold lots of love.”

  Janee’s lower lip trembled. “But Aunt Pam said you don’t want me. She said you wanted me to go away.”

  “That’s not true, Janee. I want you to stay. I love you so much, I want you to be my own little girl.”

  Doug came over and circled them both in his strong, warm arms and said, “We both want you to be our little girl, Janee.”

  She looked up, from one to the other, her tearful eyes full of bright expectancy. “Forever and always?”

  “Forever and always, darling.” But even as Barbara said the words, a chill of apprehension swept through her. She had made a promise she wasn’t sure she could keep. A judge in a courtroom in San Francisco would decide whose little girl Janee would be. In a few short words—with the implacable power of the law behind him and the earsplitting pounding of his gavel—he could wrench Janee from their arms forever.

  How could she possibly make him see how much she and Doug needed this child?

  Chapter Fifteen

  The sprawling, high-ceilinged room with its stiff mahogany benches and its wide towering desk flanked by American flags looked like a stage set out of an old TV courtroom drama. Barbara realized she had never actually seen a courtroom, except on television. This one had a slightly musty, imposing aura, the smell of yellowing history texts, the dour solemnity of a judge.

  Judge Barry Wetherell was a bald, stodgy man in his mid-sixties whose flowing black robe didn’t quite hide his enormous girth. His thick-jowled face seemed frozen in a perpetual frown. His small eyes were as cold and hard as steel ball bearings. Barbara had a sinking feeling she would never be able to squeeze an ounce of compassion out of this stern, iron-faced man.

  “I don’t think we have a prayer,” she whispered to Doug, sitting beside her. Their attorney, Randolph Tate, and the Cotters’ lawyer had been summoned to the bench and were discussing something in hushed, sober voices with the equally sober-faced judge.
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  “Don’t say we don’t have a prayer, Barb,” replied Doug. “All we have is a prayer. And God willing, that’s enough.”

  Barbara glanced over at Pam and Benny, sitting stonily across from them and looking infuriatingly smug. “I pray you’re right, Doug, but I have this terrible premonition we’re going to face the fight of our lives today.”

  He squeezed her hand. “At least we’re facing it together.”

  She managed a wobbly smile. “Whatever happens, we have each other. And the Lord.”

  Doug nodded. “Don’t worry, Barbie. God didn’t bring us this far to let us down.”

  Judge Wetherell sat back and pounded his gavel. “Mr. and Mrs. Cotter and Dr. and Mrs. Logan, I’ve conferred with your attorneys, and if the four of you are in agreement, I’d like to suggest that we attempt to settle this custody matter in my chambers. After all, this isn’t a criminal case, and we’re not trying to determine innocence or guilt. You’re two nice families who want what’s best for your niece, and you need my help in making that decision. I think a comfortable, nonthreatening setting will facilitate matters. So I’ve suggested that your attorneys post-pone their arguments until we’ve had a chance to visit informally. Any objection?”

  “No, Your Honor,” said Doug.

  “Wait a minute, Judge,” said Benny. “You want us to hash this out without our lawyers present? I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.” He cast a suspicious glance at Doug and Barbara. “How do we know they won’t pull something?”

  Judge Wetherell sat forward, his arms folded on the desk. “You don’t trust your brother- and sister-in-law, Mr. Cotter?”

  “I didn’t say that, Judge.”

  “Well, if you prefer, Mr. Cotter, we can continue with the hearing here in the courtroom, with your attorney presenting your case.”

  Barbara rolled her eyes at Doug. As they’d anticipated, Benny was going to do his best to make things complicated. He wouldn’t be happy until he’d dragged the whole family through the wringer. Hadn’t they all endured enough pain already?

  Pam spoke up suddenly, her voice bright and brittle. “Wait a minute, Judge. What my husband Benny is trying to say is, we’d be pleased to settle this in your chambers. Like you said, we’re all family.”

  “Fine, Mrs. Cotter. Then let’s adjourn to my chambers.”

  Barbara gave a sigh of relief.

  The judge’s chambers was infinitely less intimidating than the courtroom. Two walls were lined with bookcases and the other two displayed ornately framed paintings—familiar prints from the Old Masters. The room was elegant, yet still comfortable and inviting with its heavy oak furniture and black leather chairs. Barbara and Doug sat down without a glance at Pam and Benny, and they all waited in silence as Judge Wetherell bustled in and settled into the chair behind his massive desk.

  “Now, this is better, isn’t it?” he said, adjusting his robes and flashing the slightest hint of a smile.

  Barbara returned a restrained half smile. Maybe the man wasn’t going to be such an unfeeling tyrant, after all.

  Benny sat forward and rapped his thick knuckles on the judge’s desk. “The thing is, Judge, Pam and I were the first ones to petition the court to adopt our little niece, and we think our request should be honored.”

  “Benny’s right,” said Pam, smoothing her cranberry-red, knit chemise skirt over her crossed knees. “It’s a simple cut-and-dried case. We want the child and we have the most to offer her.”

  “You may assume that to be true, Mrs. Cotter, but—”

  “It’s true, Your Honor. My own sister-in-law begged us to take Janee, and now that we’re trying to do just that, she and my brother are all up in arms. It’s like they don’t want her, but they don’t want us to have her, either.”

  “That’s a bald-faced lie,” countered Doug. “What kind of sister are you, Pam, lying through your—”

  “It’s no lie, Doug. The truth is, I’m trying to protect our niece from your neurotic, unstable wife!”

  Barbara recoiled, stunned. “Pam, how could you—?”

  Doug’s face flamed with indignation. “Are you out of your mind, Pam? My wife is the most grounded, centered person I know! And she loves Janee as much as I do!”

  “Yes, this week maybe, but what about next week?”

  Judge Wetherell banged his palm on the desktop. “Mr. and Mrs. Cotter, Dr. and Mrs. Logan, if you continue this bickering among yourselves, we’ll return to the courtroom and let your attorneys battle this out. But, believe me, it bodes best for all of you if we settle this here in a calm, congenial manner. Are you agreed?” He paused for a moment, silently acknowledging their nods, then cleared his throat noisily. “You will each have a chance to have your say—without interruption. Is that understood? Now, Mr. Cotter, you seem the most eager to speak out, so why don’t you begin?”

  “Thank you, Judge.” Benny straightened his shoulders and cast a sidelong glance in Doug and Barbara’s direction. Barbara met his gaze unflinchingly, mentally daring him to try anything unethical. After all, this wasn’t Benny’s used car lot, and the judge wasn’t some naive, unsuspecting customer.

  “It’s like this, Judge. My wife and I never had kids. We wanted them, but it just never happened, you know? We weren’t blessed that way. Then when Pam’s sister died—God rest her soul—well, we figured maybe this was our chance to give this poor orphaned child—our own flesh and blood, mind you—a taste of the good life.

  “You see, Pam’s sister Nancy was one of those bohemian, earth-mother types, a leftover from the hippie movement. A gypsy at heart. Free-spirited. A plain, simple life-style. No frills. Well, if that was the way she wanted to raise her daughter, who were we to object? But after Paul and Nancy died, Pam and I says to ourselves, hey, we can give this child the kind of life a kid only dreams of. A big house. Fancy clothes. The best schools. Culture. A real high-society life, if she wants it. Anything her little heart desires.”

  Barbara looked at Doug and shook her head. Benny was laying it on thick. Was the judge buying it? she wondered.

  “Mr. Cotter, according to the records I have before me, your sister-in-law, Nancy Myers, appointed her brother and his wife, Dr. and Mrs. Logan, the child’s legal guardians. Why should the court overrule Mrs. Myers’s instructions and allow you and your wife to adopt her daughter?”

  “That’s easy, Judge. Nancy picked her brother because she felt sorry for him and Barbara. Their daughter died a few years back. I think Nancy figured if something happened to her, her little girl Janee would make up for Barb and Doug’s loss. Only that’s not how it worked out.”

  “Would you like to explain that observation, Mr. Cotter?”

  “Sure, Judge.” Benny’s corpulent face reddened and he shifted his gaze slightly, as if uncomfortable with what he was about to say. “The thing is, Judge—and this isn’t easy to say, as fond as I am of my brother- and sister-in-law—they’ve got serious problems. Problems a poor orphan kid doesn’t need.”

  “Problems?” repeated Judge Wetherell. “Would you be more specific, Mr. Cotter?”

  Benny loosened his red paisley tie. “It’s like this, Judge. Barbara and Doug never got over losing their kid. It did something to them, you know? It’s like they stopped living, stopped having any fun, like they shriveled up and died, too. At first we figured having Janee would be good for them. You know, bring a little life back into their home and give them some happiness again. But the whole thing back-fired. I tell you, it was a royal disaster. After a few weeks Barbara phoned Pam and begged her to take Janee off her hands. She said the child hated her, and she couldn’t stand to have the girl in her home anymore. I’ll tell you the truth, Barbara sounded like she was having a nervous breakdown.” Benny looked at his wife. “Didn’t she, Pam? Sounded like she was coming unglued, right?”

  Pam sat forward eagerly, her slim, crossed legs remaining perfectly poised. “That’s right, Judge. You should have heard poor Barbara. She was beside herself, going to pieces…”


  Barbara listened, clenching her fists until her nails dug into her palms. Pam’s words were searing. Barbara fought every nerve in her body to keep from jumping up and speaking out—putting Pam and Benny in their place. Leaning over to Doug, she whispered, “Can’t we do something? She’s making me sound like a psychological basket case!”

  He clasped her hand. “Hold tight, Barb. We’ll have our turn.”

  “Like Benny says, Barbara sounded so desperate, we didn’t know what she might do,” Pam continued with mock sympathy.

  “Please, Mrs. Cotter,” intoned the judge. “You’ll have your chance to speak shortly.” He looked back at Benny. “So, Mr. Cotter, did you and your wife take the child at that time?”

  “No, not then, Judge. Pam and I were having a few problems of our own at the time. Nothing serious, mind you. Just some financial matters we had to work out. But once we knew Doug and Barbara didn’t want the child, we started making plans to adopt her ourselves. I mean, it was the only way. We could see the arrangement with Barb and Doug and the kid was deteriorating fast.

  “And, of course, right after Barbara called Pam, they had the big earthquake in Los Angeles and their house was damaged. So they couldn’t even provide a home for the kid anymore. They took her up to some lonely old cabin in the woods and kept her there.”

  “I see from my notes that you must be speaking of their mountain home at Lake Arrowhead?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  Judge Wetherell’s lips curled ironically. “Lonely old cabin, is it? I’ve been to Lake Arrowhead, and most of the homes there are quite adequate.”

  “Sure, it’s an okay place, but not to raise a kid.”

  “Mr. Cotter, let’s focus on your own personal reasons for wanting to adopt your niece.”

  Benny shrugged. “Like I said, she’s a nice kid. She needs a stable home with two parents who want her, who aren’t carrying around a lot of emotional baggage from the past. That’s us—Pam and me. We love the little tyke. She had a great time while she was staying with us. Just ask her. She had a blast.”