by P. J. Belden
“Kayla this is fucking amazing!”
“Thank you, Nate.”
“Kayla loves cooking. Whenever I decide to settle down and get married, Kayla will be the one catering my wedding.”
My stomach sank, but I looked at her anyway. She was just pushing her food around with her fork, and I wondered for a moment what she was thinking. It was only seconds later that I saw a tear fall down her cheek. I quickly realized what she was thinking about.
Kayla got up and carried her plate - still full of food - to the kitchen. She scrapped food into a metal bowl and placed it on the floor. My heart sank. I knew what was coming and I couldn’t stop it.
“Cara, come!” she called, then made a clicking noise.
As if she realized what she had just done, she picked up the metal bowl and scraped the food into the garbage. She began to wash out the bowl, and then she lost it. She threw the water-filled bowl across the room. It made a clanging noise as it bounced off the wall and landed on the floor. Kayla screamed as she dropped to her knees. I was up and out of my seat in a matter of seconds. I scooped her up and carried her back into the spare bedroom.
“Please, just leave,” she mumbled into my chest.
“I’m not leaving you, sunshine.”
I sat her down on the bed and pulled away to look at her.
“Please, just go,” she sobbed.
I wrapped my arms around her and held her close to me. Kayla pulled free. I didn’t want to tighten my grip and frighten her, so I let her go. She walked over to the other side of the room, keeping her back to me. I wasn’t even sure I knew what I was thinking at the moment, but I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around her again.
Again, she struggled to get free. I loosened my grip on her long enough for her to turn and face me, then pulled her against me again. She started hitting my chest.
“Why do you have to be so sweet to me? Don’t you get it? I’m a reject - a loser. Why do you keep faking interest? Why?”
Her knees gave out and I slowly lowered her to the floor, never letting her go. She let loose the tears. As much as she had cried that day, I knew it still wasn’t enough for what she had gone through.
“You’re not any of those things. You’re amazing and beautiful. It’s okay to let it all out. I don’t care; I’m here for you,” I whispered.
Eventually she stopped crying. I pulled back and took her face in my hands, wiping away the dampness on her cheeks with my thumbs.
“You want to tell me what got you so upset?” I asked softly. “Was it your sister mentioning her future wedding?”
“I’m never going to have that,” Kayla choked out.
“Why?”
“Don’t you get it? I gave that up when I decided to try and catch Alex.”
I furrowed my brow, confused at her reasoning.
“How do the two relate?”
She sighed.
“You really don’t get it,” she said, shaking her head as she continued. “If he is ever caught and I am free of him, the headlines will read: ‘Sixteen year rape victim finally gets justice!’”
Kayla looked up at me and searched my eyes for a moment. I understood where she was coming from, but if men judged her based on something completely out of her control, then they weren’t worth having in her life. Not that I wanted to see her with another guy, I wanted her with me.
Man, I’m confusing to myself anymore.
“I can tell by the look on your face that you understand what I’m saying. I’ll never be Kayla Williams, the vet and animal lover, who loves to sing, cook and read. I will be Kayla Williams, the survivor of repeat raping over sixteen years. I might be referred to as being brave and strong, but everyone will look at me with disgust.”
She hung her head and shook it sadly.
“You may see yourself that way, but I don’t,” I said, lifting her head with my hands until she met my eyes. “I see you now before this whole mess gets solved. I see beauty, strength, and courage. When I look at you, I smile. I don’t see a victim of a heinous crime. I see a woman I would very much like to get to know and earn her trust.”
I ran my thumb over her bottom lip, dropping my eyes to watch it trace the outlines of her mouth.
“I see a woman who I am having a very hard time not kissing again. I said it before, and I will say it again because you don’t seem to hear me: I really like you, Kayla. Just you. I don’t care about your past or what the papers might label you as when we catch this sorry son of a bitch. I really like you.”
I moved my eyes back up to hers.
“Because I like you, I will not kiss you until you’re ready. I will not do anything unless you tell me that it’s okay. I want you to trust me, and I will do whatever I need to earn that trust.”
Kayla nodded, but dropped her eyes to my lips and back again to my eyes. She leaned in slightly. I started to lower my head to kiss her again when there was a knock on the door. Kayla jumped.
“It’s okay. It’s just someone at the door,” I said calmly to Kayla. “Yeah?” I called out gruffly to whoever was on the other side of the door.
“Is everything okay in there?” Mary asked.
“Yeah, she’s fine. She”
“I was having a hard time with the whole situation. Jason helped me though. I feel much better,” Kayla smiled.
I could tell it was a forced smile that she put on for appearance. Someday I hoped to make her smile genuine smiles.
“Oh, okay… well, that’s good. Um, I was thinking, since you don’t seem to have much fun anymore and we have friends here tonight, what about a game night?”
Kayla looked at me raising a questioning eyebrow.
“Hey, I’m game if you are,” I said.
“You guys don’t have to leave or anything?”
I shook my head and smiled.
“I’m here for you sunshine.”
“I guess it's game time, then,” Kayla said with a smile.
I stood up, then reached down and pulled her up off the floor.
“Wait! I don’t have any games.”
“I brought some. You know me, Kay, I love game nights,” Mary said as she left the room.
Kayla turned back to me. I still had my arms around her.
“You’re sure about this? You don’t have to if you don’t want. I mean I understand if-”
I had to stop her doubts, and the only way I could think of that would do the trick was to kiss her. I’d intended it to be quick, just enough to get her to stop trying to push me out, but the second my lips connected with her lush, smooth, kissable lips, I lost that thought. Turning so I was flush against her, I tangled my hands in her amazing soft hair and deepened the kiss. There was a moaning noise that sounded in the otherwise silent room. I wasn’t sure if it was me, Kayla, or the both of us. When I felt her arms around my neck, pulling me closer, my thoughts went cloudy. All that I registered was the heat from her mouth and the feel of her tongue on mine. My hands moved down her back and to her butt. She groaned and I broke the kiss.
“It’s not the pain that scares you, it’s me isn’t it?” I panted, my forehead resting on hers.
“Not you, but the action. It’s never been welcomed to feel… to feel your…”
“My erection?” I finished raising an eyebrow.
She nodded.
“It’s hard to block out the forced and focus on the welcoming.”
I understood. I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of that sooner. It would have saved her the trauma and me working myself up more, but when I was around her, I didn’t think straight.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked, and she nodded, her eyes closed. “Have you ever wanted to?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
Kayla took a deep breath, opened her eyes and met mine.
“With you.”
Then she turned and walked out of the room, leaving me standing there, stunned.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
~KAYLA~
Game n
ight was a blast. We played ‘Scene It’ on the television. At first we played in teams and then singles. I laughed at how competitive the guys were with each other, although I was pretty sure Mary and Nate were worse. They were fighting constantly. I did notice Mary grabbing his ‘package’ and him grabbing her ass. I couldn’t be certain, but I was pretty confident there was something going on between them.
‘Cranium’ was the next game on the agenda, which split us into teams again. Nate seemed so distracted, and his answers were short and jumpy. Mary wasn’t mad anymore; she was laughing. Something was definitely going on, and I was going to ask her about it when the guys left.
I had never had so much fun in my life. For the first time in a long time, I let myself forget about the mess my life was in because of Alex and the pending case, and just enjoyed the company of my sister, Nate, and Jason. Turning and looking at him while he teased Nate about an answer, I realized that it was all because of him. The day could have been so much worse than what it was, but instead the pain, the fear –everything was forgotten except for Jason and the calm he brought to my life. He said I was his sunshine; well he was my moon - my Konane. I spent some time in Hawaii a few years earlier, and Konane means ‘bright moonlight’ in Hawaiian.
I’m his sunlight and he is my moonlight.
I laughed out loud at that.
Jason turned and looked at me. He smiled, and I dropped my gaze to my hands. Jason reached over and lifted my head, shaking his. Dropping his hand from my chin, he took my hand under the table. My thoughts were immediately brought back to our kisses. Two amazing, consuming, ice melting kisses. I had never been kissed before. Well, Alex had tried to kiss me once, but I bit his tongue. Hard. He never tried again. For that I was grateful. Jason brought a whole other side out of me that I never knew existed. Just thinking about those kisses sent a tingling throughout my body and I shivered.
“You cold?” Jason asked, looking at me with concern.
I just shook my head and smiled. I focused back on the game and was soon enthralled in the fun of game night again. I wanted more nights like that. To feel happy and carefree all the time would have been amazing.
Looking at the others, I didn’t think they realized how lucky they were to be able to have so much fun, and not have to worry about the darkness coming back when the fun was over. The darkness would be hunting me down, and what I got earlier that day would be a walk in the park compared to what was in store for me next if the darkness caught me. The realization stopped me cold. My head turned to the window, and there in a tree was Alex.
I screamed and fell over backwards in my chair. Jason still had a hold of my hand until I tipped too far back and hit the floor. Rolling out of the chair, I stood and looked back at the window. Alex was still there.
“Kayla? What’s wrong?”
I could hear Jason talking, but it was muffled. I was frozen, staring out the window, my eyes locked with Alex’s. The tree he was in was next to my dining room window, and it was close enough to the building for me to see the damage my brother had done to him. It was because of that that I was able to finally speak. I knew he couldn’t do anything right then.
“He’s in the tree,” I whispered.
Jason’s head flung around, and Alex smiled, waved, and started climbing down the tree.
“FUCK!” Jason screamed and ran toward the door. “Stay with the girls, Nate! Take them to the bathroom.”
Without even a chance to stop the chain of events, Jason was out the door and we were being ushered - and what I really mean is I was being shoved - into the bathroom. Time seemed to be nonexistent at that moment. I knew what Alex was capable of, and I also knew he had buddies willing to fight for him. Jason was out there with Alex on his own.
Oh God! What if he was hurt because he wanted to help me?
“I need to go out there. He’s going to get hurt!”
“Kay, you need to stay here.”
“No! He’ll be hurt!”
I tried to shove past Nate, but he wouldn’t move. If something happened to Jason, it would be because of me. It would be my fault. I tried to get past him again, but Nate held on to me. His hold didn’t calm me like Jason’s. I began to panic.
“Let me go! Jason!”
The longer Nate held me the more the panic took over me. I knew Nate wouldn’t hurt me, but his touch didn’t erase the fears and pain like Jason’s, so in my mind, it was Alex holding me. The trembling started small, but grew the longer he held me. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block everything out. It was so hard to breathe. I tried hard to drag in deep breaths, but it wasn’t working.
“P-please don’t hurt me. I can’t take anymore. I can’t take it. Please don’t hurt me,” I sobbed.
I could feel the tightness around me fall away, but the panic and pain were there. I collapsed to the floor hard. The shaking was getting worse. My chest was tight. Behind my closed eyes were spinning images of all Alex’s attacks. They were running through my head like a horror movie on repeat.
“NO! DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Yelling at him never worked, but I did anyway.
“I just want you to leave me alone.”
Crying never worked, but I couldn’t stop it.
“One day I will fucking kill you! I will come after you and kill your fucking ass, and I won’t be sorry about it either. The world will rejoice when your sorry ass is gone! Stay the fuck away from me!”
Threats only made them worse.
The pain from each attack came back. Each hit, each cut, each stab; I felt each and every one all over again. I cried out as the whip lashed across my back. I begged for him to stop. I was pleading, trying to get some relief from the pain, but he only yanked my head back, spit in my face, and told me to shut up.
I felt the pains of the knife cutting into my backside. It was slow, and almost as if I could count the layers of skin he was breaking through as he carved into me.
“You will forever be mine now,” he laughed.
I spoke back one day, and he had some pointy object that when he hit me with it, it would dig into the skin and stay until he yanked it back out. Those things going into my skin were not nearly as painful as when they were pulled out. He left after he got what he came there for, leaving me broken and in pain.
“Oh God, why does this keep happening to me? I can’t take much more. I just want to die. Please take me out of my misery,” I sobbed.
When he arrived a third time in one week, I actually broke down and begged him. I begged him to just finish it and get it over with.
“Please, I’m begging you just kill me. Just kill me, Alex. Quit toying with me and kill me!”
“Funny, I don’t remember giving you a choice in what happens. I’m having too much fun playing with my prey to kill it,” he laughed.
“Make it stop! Please make it stop! I can’t… someone please help me! Please…” I cried.
The movie playing behind my closed eyes began to fade, and warmth filled my cold body. I felt like I was floating - like I wasn’t even in my body anymore. My vision swayed as if I were being rocked. An image appeared in place of my horror movie. I smiled.
“Jason. My Konane…” I whispered.
Sobs escaped and before I could stop them, they took over me, shaking my body from their force. His image started to disappear, and I cried out for him to come back.
“Please don’t leave me,” I whispered in defeat.
His image was gone.
“I’m not going anywhere, sunshine.”
I knew I’d just heard Jason. It was his voice; I’d recognize it anywhere.
“Jason?” I whispered.
“Yes, I’m right here. Open your eyes.”
“I don’t want you to disappear. If I open my eyes you’ll be gone.” I sobbed.
“No, sunshine, I’m right here with you; I’m holding you. Open your eyes and see.”
Slowly, I started to open my eyes. The room was darkened, but not completely dark. When I op
ened my eyes fully, I was immediately caught in Jason’s eyes. My eyes filled with tears and my body sagged in relief as I cried into his chest and he held me.
“Shhhh, sunshine. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
He stroked my hair and he rocked from side to side.
I cried until there was nothing left. Jason held me all through it. He didn’t rush me to stop crying. He didn’t tell me I was overreacting or that I was a baby. He just held me and let me let go. No one had done that before.
“You better?”
I nodded my head, but didn’t speak and I kept my face buried in his chest. If I looked up, it might end the moment, and I wanted to hold on to it. When I was in his arms - when he held me - nothing else in the world mattered, and nothing got in. If I moved away from his embrace, the fear that I was not really safe or that I was really in a nightmare would come back at me full force, and I didn’t want to be back there just yet.
“What happened in there sunshine? Nate said you were screaming a bunch of things like he was attacking you.”
“I… I don’t know. I wanted to get out to you before you got hurt and it was my fault. When I tried to get past him he held me tight against him and it just…” my voice trailed off.
“You went back to the moments when you lost all control with Alex?” he finished.
I nodded my head. There wasn’t much more that I could say or that needed said. Having control was a luxury to me, and in the moments that I didn’t have it, I panicked. I couldn’t take each incident today on its own; it all falls back to Alex for the reason I panicked the way I did.
“Nate would never hurt you. He is here to protect you just as much as I am,” he said as he ran his hand through my hair.
“You wouldn’t understand Jason. You have control over your life. There hasn’t been a moment when someone took that away from you like Alex has done with me. I can’t tell you how hard that is to forget, especially when it’s still going.”
“You’re right, I don’t know what that is like. Why don’t you explain it to me? What makes you panic outside of him? Why don’t you panic around me?”