Ready To Love Again

by Annalyse Knight

  When the evening wound down, Chase went through the routine of tucking the children into bed before he let Gina know he was going for a walk. He put on a light windbreaker and slipped down to the beach. A soft breeze blew off the ocean, and he took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of the fresh, evening air.

  A full moon hung low in the sky, casting a moonlit trail across the ocean. Chase walked until he could only see a speck of light from his house. Kicking off his shoes, he sat down and buried his toes under the cool sand.

  The sound of waves crashing against nearby rocks gave him peace in its familiarity while he let his mind wander back to the day’s events. David’s comments rang in his ears, especially when he’d said that if Chase didn’t look inside himself, he could never help Liz.

  What did he want me to look at? I screwed up. I already know that. I let Liz dictate what happened in our home. Yes, I am quite aware I have allowed that, too. Maybe I focused too much on her actions and not enough about the feelings behind the actions? Again, yes, I see where I messed up there, too.

  The problem was that he didn’t know how to help heal his child’s grieving and take back control. He realized her tantrums increased in frequency because he hadn’t wanted to upset her so he’d sidestepped her bad behavior. In doing so, he had created an even bigger problem because he was also avoiding the root of the problem. If he’d acted like a parent and helped her grieve when this happened, they wouldn’t be in this situation.

  Chase sat on the beach for a long time, running through the things he should have done differently. A nagging feeling told him he was only looking at the surface of the matter.

  Well then, what is the deeper problem?

  His thoughts went to Liz, but then David’s words echoed in his head again. “By fixing yourself, you will inevitably help her.”

  What is wrong with me? What am I doing that I need to change?

  Chase thought about Terri and realized the only time he allowed her memory to affect him was when he was alone, sitting on the beach. He began to let go of the wall he’d built up. As each little brick came down, he felt the weight of what her death meant to him. His emotions overwhelmed him while he stared out over the ocean and let himself remember things he hadn’t thought about in years.

  He felt a deep ache within his chest and tears upon his cheek. Because he’d refused to acknowledge the grief of her death for so long, he now felt physically ill when the memories washed over him. He knew, at that moment, this was what David had meant.

  Chase had never allowed himself to feel the pain of losing someone he loved. His memories flooded his mind like watching an old home movie: The beautiful bride who walked down the aisle toward him in the church in San Francisco. Her joy when she showed Chase the painting she purchased from an up-and-coming Carmel artist. Terri laughing with his mother after Liz was born. Her contentment as she held Tony on her chest while he slept. Their anniversary dinner out at Rocky Point the night she died.

  Every memory brought a wave of grief and loss, but he let them continue. Chase revisited the past until his heart ached. He had bottled up the life they had shared and hadn’t revealed any of that past to Liz or Tony. Racking his brain, he tried to remember the last time before this week that he had talked about Terri with his children. If they asked something specific, he would always respond, but he never volunteered information. Chase remembered his conversation with Tony on the anniversary of Terri’s death. His son was miserable because the memories of his mother were blotchy and fading.

  Tony’s losing the memory of his mother because I never talked about her.

  Had he deprived his children of their mother? He remembered the look in Liz’s eyes when she’d mentioned making the collage and how she’d looked apprehensive when she brought up her mother. Chase buried his face in his hands. Liz was wary to bring her up, and when she did, it was always in anger. He remembered all the times Liz had thrown Terri in his face to get him to feel something—anything.

  David was right. He needed to fix himself before he could fix Liz. Chase had locked away Terri’s memory in hopes of not feeling the sting of his loss, and by his actions, he’d shown his children they couldn’t talk about her because doing so would only cause more harm.

  Liz consumed every morsel of information Chase provided about her mother. She absorbed it like a sponge, storing it away in her memory. He had robbed her of that over the last three years.

  The sky lightened with the rising of the sun, so he pulled himself off the beach and trudged toward the house. Even with the heaviness of his tired body, he felt lighter. Sometime during his night of revelations, he’d recognized he had to make changes within himself. He just didn’t know where to start.

  Gina whirled around when Chase walked in, almost dropping the pot of coffee she held.

  “My goodness, Chase, you scared me to death.” With her hand held over her heart, she looked him up and down but didn’t utter a word about his unkempt appearance.

  “Can you get the kids to school? I need sleep.”

  “Of course.” She waved him to his room without any questions, and Chase was grateful for her silence.

  Feeling like a zombie, he stripped out of his clothes and climbed into bed. Somewhere between sleep and reality, he saw Terri behind his closed eyelids. Her flaxen hair blew in the breeze while she sat next to him on the beach. Chase brushed her hair away from her face, and she turned to him with a soft smile, her blue eyes sad.

  “I’m always with you, Chase.” She reached up and cupped his cheek with her hand.

  Her fair hair morphed into waves of chestnut, and her blue eyes turned the color of bright emeralds. Katie’s thumb ghosted over his bottom lip when she whispered her love. She leaned in and kissed him, but when his eyes fluttered open, she was gone. Chase’s heart twisted painfully in his chest when he rolled over and hugged his pillow, falling into a restless sleep.

  Chapter 18

  Chase saw Katie a few times over the course of the following week, but they’d avoided all uncomfortable topics. She agreed to take Tony while Liz and Chase had their appointment since Gina had an event at work that kept her from picking up the kids—or so she said.

  Every time he saw Katie when she picked up Shawn, it was harder to let her go. Chase told himself they needed this time apart while he focused on healing his family. For now, he wouldn’t overstep the carefully constructed line Katie had drawn, but he had no doubt he would cross it one day.

  Liz and Chase arrived at the office and were ushered to their respective appointments. David greeted Chase as if they were old friends, which put Chase at ease. Any animosity he felt toward David from their previous appointment was gone. He had opened Chase’s eyes to the damage he’d done over the years, and he couldn’t fault the guy for telling him like it was.

  “So, Chase, did you get a chance to think about some of the things we discussed last session?”

  “I did, and I think I understand a few things better.”

  “Excellent.” David smiled and unbuttoned his sleeves, rolling them up to his elbows. The gesture reminded Chase of someone ready to get their hands dirty.

  Without waiting for David’s probing questions, Chase launched into his experience on the beach. He relayed the feelings he had stifled for three years and how when everything came back, it had hurt more than he could have ever imagined. During Chase’s rambling, David only stopped him twice to clarify but otherwise listened in silence.

  They discussed ways Chase could take back the control in his home, and David stressed the importance of setting boundaries for Liz. He reassured Chase that it was common for the surviving parent to overcompensate by ignoring bad behavior. While Chase digested his words, he saw many incidents when he had let Liz’s outbursts go without correction, even before Katie came along. Although David gave Chase some good ideas, he also warned that the changes would not be easy. Chase had the fleeting thought that it was better Katie wouldn’t be around for all the tantrums that were
bound to happen.

  “So have you dated?” David asked.

  “Uh, yeah, for a little while.”

  He didn’t think he could handle dealing with the feelings of losing Katie on top of everything else. It was one thing for Chase to internalize what had happened, but quite another to say it aloud.

  “Tell me about one of your dates.”

  David wasn’t going to let him brush off the question, and Chase didn’t know how he felt about that. Part of him wanted to tell him everything, but another part wanted the session to be over. He looked over at the clock and sighed with relief.

  “I think our time is up.”

  David glanced at the clock in surprise. “I guess it is. We can continue this discussion next week.”

  Chase made his way down the hall to Allison’s office, and Liz came out with a big grin on her face. In her hand was a large poster board collage of Terri. Liz had spent all week pouring over magazines and pictures in photo albums. It had become an evening ritual for Gina and Chase to go over the photos and tell the stories behind each of them. Although Tony would sit with them and listen like he was interested, Chase could see that his heart wasn’t in it, and that unsettled him.

  ~*~

  On the last day of school, Katie picked up the boys when class let out. Tony and Shawn jumped up and down when she told them Tony would spend the day at their house. Tony grasped her hand and smiled up at her. His bright blue eyes, so much like his father’s, shined with love that sent a wave of sorrow through her. The boys’ enthusiasm increased tenfold when she told them they had to pick up Victor at the airport.

  They arrived to find Victor standing on the sidewalk in front of the terminal waiting for them. When he saw Katie’s car, he pushed off the wall and strutted over like a man who knew he was attractive, a small overnight bag in his hand. Victor no longer sported cropped, spiky hair, but instead wore a style that was little longer in the front so that it brushed across his forehead. His band T-shirt clung to the defined muscles of his chest, and he was poured into his tight-fitting jeans. There was no denying he was a good-looking man, and with the haircut, he looked like he’d walked out of a photo shoot.

  “Is that your dad?” Tony asked in awe. “He’s huge.”

  Katie chuckled at his observation as Victor reached the car. He wasn’t that much taller than Chase, but his shoulders were wider, which made him look more menacing.

  “I missed you, too, Katie,” he said with cocky grin when he opened the door. She rolled her eyes, and he turned in the seat so Shawn could give him a high-five.

  “Hey there, buddy.”

  “Awww, Dad! Buddy’s the dog.”

  Tony’s giggle made Victor turn his attention to him. “So who’s this?”

  “This is my best friend, Tony.”

  Victor looked over at Katie for a brief moment before turning back to Tony.

  “So you’re the infamous Tony Shawn always talks about. He says you’re the best baseball player he knows.”

  Katie watched Tony in the rearview mirror and saw him beam with pride.

  “Your dad is the coach, isn’t he?”

  Katie narrowed her eyes at Victor, but he ignored her. Instead, he encouraged Tony to talk about his father. Whenever he linked her with Chase, she cringed, but Victor listened as if his stories were the most interesting thing he’d ever heard.

  “Hmmm, well, I can’t wait to meet this fantastic coach.”

  If she hadn’t known him better, she would have missed the sarcasm. Thankfully, the boys seemed clueless. Tony and Shawn talked the entire drive home about their plans for the next six weeks while Shawn was away. Katie strained to listen, trying to pick up on what Chase had planned for the summer, but she didn’t catch any significant information.

  “Mi corazón?” Katie’s eyes snapped to Victor’s. “You were in la-la land—not good when you’re driving.”

  She looked back at the road and shook off her depressing thoughts. “Sorry.”

  “So . . . dinner?” he asked when she pulled into her driveway. “I’m taking you and Shawn out—it’s the least I can do since you offered me a place to stay.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to do it. I was thinking we could go to that restaurant out on Lovers Point where we went after your graduation. Do you remember the beach after dinner on my birthday?” Victor asked, his eyebrows wiggling up and down.

  Katie wanted to smack him for bringing up the one time she’d given in to his exhibitionistic tendencies. It had turned into a nightmare when a drunken couple stumbled across them in a compromising position. She glared at Victor before opening her car door, and she slammed it with a little more force than necessary after she climbed out. His chuckle followed after her, irritating her even further.

  Katie went into the kitchen to clean up the mess from the morning, and the boys ran to Shawn’s room. She stiffened when Victor’s arms snaked around her waist, and his chin came to rest on her shoulder. For a moment, she considered bashing him over the head with the plate in her hand.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered in her ear. She could smell the musky scent of outdoors that used to make her feel like she was home, but now she felt nothing. “I miss teasing you. I didn’t expect you to get so ticked off.”

  Katie shrugged out of his arms and started to put the dishes away. “I’m not the naïve girl I was when we were together. You taught me that life is unpredictable and I can’t trust what people say.”

  “If I could turn back time, I would make more of an effort to keep our marriage together,” Victor said, his voice barely above a whisper.

  “I know. But things are the way they are, and we all have to live with the consequences of your actions.”

  “Mi corazón—”

  Katie glared at him. “You lost the right to call me your heart, so stop saying it.”

  He let out a long sigh, walked closer, and placed both hands on her shoulders. She stood, unmoving, while several emotions passed across his face. For a moment, Victor looked angry, like he wanted to have it out with her, but his expression became sad and dejected. Katie’s old friend was under the surface somewhere, but she didn’t have the energy to wade through her creep of an ex-husband to get to him.

  “Katie, there’s no easy way to say this.”

  “Just spit it out. I’m in no mood to beat around the bush.”

  “Elena moved in, so she’ll be taking care of Shawn when I’m at work.”

  A growl formed in her chest, but she tried to swallow the building resentment. She had known this would happen, but the knowledge didn’t make it any easier. Katie hated the idea of her innocent son around that woman.

  “It doesn’t have to be like this.” Victor cut in before she could comment. “I’ve missed you and Shawn. I want you to come home. I’ll tell Elena to leave, and I’ll never see her again if I can have my family back.”

  “So let me get this straight. You have her living in your house, but you’re willing to kick her out if I agree to come back.” Katie laughed, but the sound was like acid on her tongue. “You can’t even let her go before you ask me to come home. What the hell is the matter with you, Victor? Can’t you stand to be alone for a single moment?” She fumed at his ludicrous proposal. He would never change. “Your priorities are screwed up.”

  Turning, she started for the living room, wanting to escape the idiot she had married, when she felt his fingers wrap around her arm. He spun her around so fast her chest slammed into his. Katie didn’t have time to react before his lips crashed down onto hers. She pushed at his shoulders, but he held on tighter, oblivious to her struggles. When she couldn’t detach him, she went limp and would have fallen to the ground if he hadn’t held her so hard. Her mouth clamped shut while she waited for him to realize she was not responding. After a moment, his grip loosened, and the pressure of his lips softened.

  “Mom? Dad?”

  Katie advantage of Victor’s distraction to shove him back,
and they both turned to find Tony and Shawn standing in the doorway. Shawn had an uncertain smile on his face, but when she looked at Tony, Katie’s heart broke. His lip quivered, and he stared at his shoes. When he looked up, his blue eyes were rimmed with tears, but he quickly swiped them away. His unhappiness hit her like a freight train, and she realized he probably hadn’t given up believing that she and Chase would get back together. Seeing Victor’s grubby hands on her must have shattered any hope he had for reconciliation. Katie brushed past Victor and went to the boys, kneeling down in front of them both.

  “Why don’t we take Buddy to the beach?”

  “Yeah!” Shawn shouted, pumping his fist in the air. “I’ll get his leash.” He darted past Katie, and Tony gave her a weak smile before following him out the door.

  “Listen, Katie. I’m—”

  She held up her hand, cutting off Victor. “I’m going to spend the next couple of hours with my son before he’s gone for six weeks and try to repair the damage you’ve done. When I come back, I expect you to have sent the jackass you’re being somewhere else. If the reasonable father of my child decides to come back, then he can stay.” Katie turned and grabbed her purse, then met the boys outside.

  Shawn and Tony climbed in the backseat, and Buddy sat in the front. All three were excited for an outing. While Katie drove down to the beach, she subdued her desire to scream and rant about Victor’s stupidity.

  She had a fleeting thought about calling Elena to tell her what Victor had offered. The vindictive side of her wanted to hurt the home-wrecking tramp as much as she had hurt Katie. Instead, Katie concentrated on calming down. When she looked in the rearview mirror, she caught Tony looking back at her. His devastation made her want to drive back and strangle Victor for putting that look on his face.

  “You all right, slugger?” she asked instead.

  He gave her a quick nod, but then looked down at his lap. She knew she was going to have to talk to him, but she didn’t know how much Chase had told him about their situation. Given the circumstances, she decided to keep the conversation as vague as possible. Shawn jumped out of the car with Buddy when they arrived at the beach and tore off down the deserted coastline. Tony lagged behind, walking with Katie.