“You understand if you hurt her, I’ll kill you.”
Monk nodded. “If I learned anyone had, I’d kill them too.”
“What about Sierra and Savannah? They’re a package deal.”
Monk stared out at the ocean. “I understand.”
“Saylor’s staying at the house with us in Cambria.”
“Yes.”
Razor leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Where are you staying, Monk?”
“I’ve reserved a room.”
Razor stood, took a long swig of his beer, and then patted Monk’s shoulder. “Good talk,” he said before going back inside.
Monk closed his eyes again, raising his face to the sun. Where the horrors of his job once resided, Saylor had taken their place. His visions weren’t of missions and death, they were of her. He smiled, knowing at that very moment, she’d be fretting over what spending Thanksgiving together meant. Given he’d seen her friend’s car in the driveway, his guess was that Poppy was getting an earful.
THERE HADN’T BEEN any talk of new missions lately, not since the Petrov assassination, but he knew there soon would be. There was too much evil in the world to think that the K19 crew wouldn’t soon be called upon to eliminate some of it.
When that happened or, more importantly, after it was over, it wasn’t likely Monk would be needed here in Yachats any longer. It was a reality both he and Saylor would have to face. It wouldn’t be easy for either of them, but he was more worried about Sierra and Savannah. They’d grown as attached to him as he was to them. When the time came for him to move on, they’d be hurt, and he regretted that.
He heard the slider open again.
“There was one other thing, Monk,” said Razor, sitting in the chair next to him.
“What’s that?”
“Since it seems like your base is going to be Yachats, I’m just wondering if you want to start looking for another place to live. The K19 house was intended more as a crash pad or safe house if we needed one. Don’t misunderstand, you’re welcome to stay there as long as you’d like. I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to.”
“Roger that,” said Monk, taking the last swig of his beer and wishing Razor had brought another one out with him.
This time when Razor went back inside and Monk closed his eyes, the sun’s warmth did nothing to quell the uncomfortable feeling that had settled in his chest. Finding another place to live, even having Razor say that it seemed like Yachats would be his base, was the opposite of what he’d just been thinking about.
He’d never intended for Oregon to be his home, Saylor or no Saylor. Finding a place to live here would send an entirely different message; one he wasn’t ready to send.
If no missions were scheduled by mid-January, he’d have to talk to someone about where he did intend to be based out of, and that someone couldn’t be Saylor’s brother.
15
“You’re welcome to come with us,” Saylor told Poppy, who was currently sitting in the kitchen pouting. “Cambria’s a beautiful place to spend Thanksgiving, plus it will be fun.”
“How pathetic would that be?”
“On a scale of one to ten? Negative five.”
“That’s pretty damn pathetic.”
“You know that isn’t how I meant it.”
“It’s your first Thanksgiving with Monk. You don’t want me intruding on that.”
Saylor bit her bottom lip. When she asked what he was doing for the holiday, she’d meant it to be more of a “you’re welcome to come along with us” invitation than a “this is our first Thanksgiving together” invitation. Based on Poppy’s reaction as well as Razor’s, it seemed like it was more of a thing than she wanted it to be.
“What are you thinking about?” Poppy asked.
“Maybe I should uninvite him.”
“Saylor, you can’t do that!”
“It was supposed to be casual.”
“Then talk to him about it, but don’t uninvite him.”
Nodding but not convinced, Saylor made a plan to talk to Monk tonight, even though she intended to do the very thing Poppy told her not to.
“I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING,” she began after the girls had gone into their bedroom for the night.
“As have I.”
Her eyes opened wide. “What have you been thinking?”
Monk rested his hand on her thigh. “The same thing you have.”
“It’s more than either of us want.”
He nodded. “More than we said we wanted.”
“Monk…”
Reaching forward, Monk cupped her cheek. “This isn’t something we need to talk about. Let’s enjoy the time we have together. Next year, things will be changing drastically.”
While the same things had been racing through her head, hearing Monk say them, hurt more than she expected. “In what way?”
“I won’t be working in Yachats after the first of the year.”
“Oh.” Before the tears she knew were coming filled her eyes, Saylor got up and went into the kitchen. Monk followed, and when she rested her hands on the edge of the kitchen counter, he stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“I feel the same way you do, Saylor. I love spending time with you, but we both—”
“You don’t need to say anything else. When you leave, this will be over.” She wiggled out of his grasp and walked out of the kitchen. “Goodnight, Monk.”
Saylor didn’t look back to see if he left. He always left. The no-sleepover rule was still in effect.
—:—
Monk had lied to Saylor right before Thanksgiving, but now that Christmas was almost here, his lie had become the truth. He’d spoken to Doc before agreeing to spend the holiday in Annapolis at Gunner’s mother’s place. Most of the K19 team would be there, as would Saylor, her girls, and Sally.
Things between him and Saylor had gone back to as normal as possible. He didn’t eat dinner with them every night, and when he did, he didn’t always stay to help the girls with their homework.
They were smart kids and knew something was up between him and their mother. Sadness lurked behind their little eyes, but he couldn’t do anything to help that. He and Saylor were in agreement. While they cared about each other, neither wanted a long-term relationship.
She put on a brave face in front of everyone but him. As far as even Razor knew, nothing had changed between them. She smiled easily, laughed heartily, and flirted with him in the same way she always had. Sex, though, had changed. Saylor had pulled away from him to the point where she no longer scheduled sleepovers for the girls.
When they kissed, his body longed to feel hers next to him. He wanted nothing more than to bury himself deep inside her warmth and never leave. Wanting that and making it happen were two very different things. Even if he told Saylor that he’d changed his mind and planned to stay in Yachats, he was only half of the equation. She hadn’t said she wanted him to. She’d only said that when he did leave, this thing between them would be over.
Maybe the truth that neither of them wanted to acknowledge was that it had run its course anyway.
16
The first few days into the new year, after Monk left on a mission with her brother, were the hardest of Saylor’s life.
She and Monk had agreed to tell the girls he needed to leave because of his job, but he’d see them soon. Maybe that hadn’t been the best way to handle it, but seeing her girls heartbroken over him leaving permanently was more than she’d be able to handle. Her own heartbreak was devastating enough.
“I hate to see you like this,” her mother said a week into what Saylor knew would be forever. “Couldn’t the two of you have worked something out?”
“Monk never signed up to be the father figure in an insta-family, Mom. What was I going to do? Beg him to do something he’d never agreed to just because the girls and I grew attached to him?”
“You could’ve told him how you feel.”
“To what end? All that would’ve done is make him feel worse about his decision. I couldn’t bear to think he was here with us out of pity.”
“Maybe he feels the same way you do. Maybe he’s as afraid to say it as you are.”
Saylor shook her head. “Monk doesn’t lie, nor does he say things that aren’t necessary. I heard him, Mom. It’s as over as this conversation is.”
Her mother breathed a heavy sigh. “So what are you going to do with your life, Saylor? Sit around and mope every day?”
“Nope. I’m going to do what I should’ve done years ago. I’m going to get my pilot’s license.”
Her mother said she was glad to hear it, but her words lacked enthusiasm.
PART II
17
October
“Tabon is really proud of you,” said Ava as she sat nursing Sam. It was hard for Saylor to believe her nephew was already three months old. It seemed as though it was only yesterday that they celebrated his arrival on the Fourth of July.
Tabon Samuel Sharp VI was as much of a force to be reckoned with as his father had been in his first six months—and Ava handled it with a finesse Saylor didn’t possess. She hadn’t seen her sister-in-law get frustrated with Sam’s fussiness a single time, not that she was able to be here with them as much as she’d like.
In the last ten months, she’d completed the flight training necessary and passed the exams to earn her private pilot’s license. She was almost halfway through completing the two hundred and fifty hours she needed in order to sit for the commercial pilot’s license exam.
She’d never be able to thank her mother and Poppy enough for how often they stepped in to help with the girls. Whether Saylor was in the air or studying, one or the other took the girls to and from school, music lessons, and sports practice.
During their summer break, Ya-Ya took Sierra and Savannah to the fishing cabin every week, often for several days at a time. When she was able, Saylor joined them, but it was never as much as she’d like.
No amount of busy stopped her from thinking about Monk, though. He was still the first person she thought of when she woke and the last before she fell asleep.
She knew from Razor’s schedule that he’d been away on missions almost non-stop since the beginning of the year. She didn’t know where, or what they involved, and she didn’t want to.
“Do you want to hold him?” Ava asked, buttoning up her blouse when she finished breastfeeding the baby.
“Do you have to ask?”
Ava smiled. “No, but it’s better than just dumping him in your lap.”
“Dump away,” she said, holding her arms out to take Sam. “God, when did he get so heavy? What does he weigh? Thirty pounds?”
“No, not thirty, but he was twenty at his last checkup.” Ava laughed. “Just like his daddy, he’s in the ninety-ninth percentile of height and weight.”
Saylor held Sam up and let him bounce on her legs. “Your arms must be very strong.”
“I wimp out a lot, and Tabon has to take him.” She stood and walked into the kitchen. “Can I get you anything?”
“I’m good. Just spending time with this big guy is all I need.” Saylor nuzzled his neck, and Sam giggled.
Ava came back with a glass of water and sat down. “There’s something I feel like I should tell you.”
“Uh oh, are you pregnant again?”
Ava laughed out loud. “Good God, no. This is about Monk.”
“It’s okay—”
“He’ll be here later today. Tabon said they’re installing new equipment, and Monk will be setting it up.”
Saylor kept her focus on Sam, trying her hardest not to react to Ava’s news. She wanted to cheer and cry at the same time. She missed him so much and couldn’t wait to see him. At the same time, seeing him would be even harder than missing him. Being able to look at him but not touch, would be torture.
“How long did he say he’d be here?”
Ava sighed. “He said, ‘Indefinitely.’”
Her heart lurched. Indefinitely? Why? Maybe she could convince Ava to bring Sam over to her place so Saylor didn’t have to come here. Right. How selfish would that be? Plus, she’d have to see him eventually. Better to rip the bandage off and get it over with. Little by little, her heart would probably mend, even though it hadn’t in ten months.
“Tabon asked me a funny question.”
“What was that?”
“He asked if I thought you’d want Monk to know about your pilot training. Why wouldn’t you?”
She thought the question over before answering. Why wouldn’t she? She had no reason, but she hesitated. “I’d rather he not know,” she finally answered. “I can’t explain it.”
“Got it,” said Ava, as though she truly did.
—:—
Ten months. That was how long it had been since Monk had seen Saylor, but the hurt of leaving her was still as strong as it had been the day he did it.
He dreamed about her every night, often waking with an erection so hard it hurt. That wasn’t all he missed though. In his dreams, it was her smile, her laughter, her voice, and her words that he yearned for when he woke up disappointed that being with her again hadn’t been real.
There had been countless times he wanted to ask about her, but he’d stopped himself. What right did he have to know anything about her life? They’d mutually agreed to end things. While he still held out hope that, at the very least, they could be friends, whatever she was doing with her life wasn’t any of his business.
“You good with this?” Razor asked when Monk walked into the house he hadn’t set foot in since last year.
“It’s my assignment.”
“I didn’t ask if it was your assignment.” Razor sounded pissed.
“I’m good with it.”
“Thanks for giving me that much.” Razor walked downstairs, scrubbing his face with his hand. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you and my sister, and I don’t want to know. But if you’re going to have any issue being here, then I need to know right now.”
“I can’t lie,” Monk began, knowing that the next words he said may very well lead to him getting a different assignment.
“Go on. What can’t you lie about?”
“Saylor is a person I care about. That we can’t be together isn’t easy for me. I have a job to do, and I’ll do it, just like any other job. I’ll handle myself professionally.”
“Fuck,” muttered Razor. “Now I know it’s really bad.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve never heard you string that many words together at one time.”
When Razor walked out of the room, Monk called Burns Butler. “I’m here, walk me through what I need to do.”
SEVEN HOURS LATER, the components of the system were fully installed and functional. The capabilities this gave K19 were like none he’d ever seen. Monk’s understanding was that similar systems were being installed at Razor’s place in Cambria and, eventually, in Doc and Merrigan’s place in Montecito.
The technology Burns developed was the same as what was used with top-secret drones. Monk’s guess was that the US government had hired Burns to create their systems as well.
“Are you going to hide out down here all day and night?” Razor asked, walking into the office with a plate of food.
“Working, not hiding.”
“Right. You keep tellin’ yourself that. She isn’t here, by the way, and I doubt we’ll see much of her. She’s been keeping herself pretty busy.”
Monk felt a stabbing pain in his chest. He couldn’t help but wonder if by “keeping herself busy,” Razor meant she was seeing someone.
“Ask, asshole.”
Monk stood and took the plate from Razor’s hand. “Thanks for this.”
“Ask,” Razor repeated.
“It isn’t any of my business.”
“Ask anyway.”
Monk sighed and set the plate of food on the desk. “Is she seeing s
omeone?”
“No. So what are you going to do about it?”
Monk studied him. Why was Razor pushing so hard? Had Saylor talked to him? Did she want him back in her life?
Razor put his hand on Monk’s shoulder. “Go see her. She’ll be happy you did, and so will Sierra and Savannah. They’ve been worried about you.”
Monk rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because, eventually, I’ll leave again.”
“Maybe. But maybe not.”
18
Hoping to take her mind off the fact that Monk would descend on Yachats any minute, Saylor scheduled a flight. He’d still be lurking in the back of her mind, but flying had been her escape for the last several months; it was the best therapy she’d found.
Her mother had already picked the girls up from school and told Saylor that since it was Friday night, they’d be going out for dinner followed by a sleepover.
She was about to go into the bedroom to change when she saw Monk out on the trail, headed her way. She couldn’t pretend she wasn’t home or that she hadn’t seen him. The lights were on in her kitchen, and he was looking right at her.
Saylor checked the time; she’d have to leave in the next five minutes or she’d miss her slot. She sent a quick text saying something had come up and that she’d have to reschedule. There’d be a fee, but what else could she do? She hadn’t seen the man in almost a year.
He came up the steps to the deck where Saylor was already waiting by the sliding door. Even with glass between them, the man sucked all the air out of her lungs.
“Hi,” she said, slowly opening the door.
“Saylor.”
“How are you, Monk?” she asked, motioning for him to come inside. When he did, his body brushed against hers, and she almost came undone.
“I felt it too,” he murmured, taking a step back to stand in front of her. He cupped her face with his palm and stared into her eyes. “I want to kiss you.”
Saylor didn’t give him permission, nor did she wait. She leaned forward and kissed him. When his tongue thrust into her mouth, Saylor whimpered, causing him to pull back.
Monk (K19 Security Solutions Book 7) Page 10