“I’m sorry—”
She put her fingertips on his lips. “Don’t be. It was my fault.” When she moved away from him, he grabbed her wrist, but when her eyes met his, he let go.
“I missed you so much,” he murmured.
No, no, no! Saylor wanted to shout out at him. They couldn’t start up again only to have him leave in a few months. Her heart couldn’t take it. “Monk, I…”
“It was a mistake to walk away from you.”
She turned her back to him when she felt her eyes fill with tears. “Please don’t do this.”
“Are you saying you didn’t miss me? You don’t feel the same way I do?”
She shook her head.
“Turn around and look at me, Saylor.”
First, she looked up at the ceiling, willing her damn tears away, and then slowly turned around.
“Tell me you didn’t miss me, and I’ll walk right back out that door.”
“I can’t.”
He stepped closer. “Can’t what?”
“I can’t tell you that I didn’t miss you. I can’t tell you that it wasn’t a mistake to let you walk away, but, Monk, I can’t do this again.”
What were simple tears a moment ago, turned into full-blown sobbing. Every inch of her ached with longing for the man standing close enough to touch, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to reach out. When he did, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into his chest, she couldn’t bring herself to back away again either.
He held her tight, and it felt so good. Too good. The way her body sank into his was like they were two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. She could feel his arousal, and it added to the heat that was already pooling in her core.
He captured her mouth with his. This time he was gentler, the kiss softer; he made love to her mouth with his. He nibbled her bottom lip and then rolled the ball on the tip of his tongue over the same place. The coolness of it soothed her.
“Come with me,” he said, taking her hand and leading her through the house to the garage.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
“To dinner, and before you ask why, I’m hungrier for you than I am for food, and if we don’t leave now, I’ll devour you.”
“I don’t want food, Monk. I only want you.”
He sighed and closed his eyes as though he was counting like she did when she was angry with her girls and needed time to think before she spoke.
“I missed more than being inside of you, Saylor. I need more from you first.”
What she should do was pull away from him, ask him to leave, tell him again that this wasn’t what she wanted, but she couldn’t. His body was a magnet, and she couldn’t resist its pull.
She tossed him the keys after opening the garage door. There was no way she could drive in her present state.
As he backed the Jeep out of the garage and drove downtown, Saylor studied him. There were a few more gray hairs mixed in with the black both on his head and in his beard. The lines on his face appeared more pronounced than when she last saw him too. What had happened; what did he go through in the last ten months that had aged him in such a way that she noticed?
He looked over at her and smiled. “I like your eyes on me.”
“I like your eyes on me too.”
He reached over, took her hand, and brought it to his lips, making her wish they were still steps away from her bedroom rather than about to turn into a restaurant’s parking lot.
He came around to help her out of the Jeep. Even though she didn’t need it, she liked the gentlemanly side of him.
“Just one more,” he whispered, bringing his lips to hers. The kiss wasn’t chaste by any means, but it wasn’t as heated as the earlier one they’d shared either.
“TELL me what you’ve been doing,” he said once they were seated at a table. “Razor said you’ve been busy.”
“The usual. The girls keep me busy.”
“There’s more, though.”
“What did Razor tell you?”
Monk smiled. “Only that you weren’t seeing anyone that he knew of.”
“You asked?”
“I did.”
“What about you, Monk? Have you been seeing anyone?”
He reached across the table and took her hand. “You know the answer to that.”
“But why? Why haven’t you been seeing anyone? And why haven’t I? We agreed to end this, and look at us. The minute you’re back in town, we can’t keep our hands off each other.” She shook her head. “Why can’t I resist you, Monk?”
“The same reason I can’t resist you. I dreamed of you every night and in my daydreams too. It didn’t diminish, Saylor. My longing for you only intensified.”
“We’re crazy.” She took her hand back and opened the menu. “I suppose part of our being civilized requires we share a meal, although no matter how much I eat, I’ll still remain as hungry as I am now.” She said all of that without looking at him. When she was finally able to meet his gaze, he looked as though he was on fire with want for her, just like she was for him.
“Nothing will change, Monk. You’ll still leave again, and my heart will shatter. Not just mine, my girls’ too. I was cleaning their room the other day and found a calendar that Savannah had hidden under her bed. She’s marked every day you’ve been gone with a big red X.”
“If I leave, your heart will shatter?”
Saylor’s cheeks flushed. She had said that out loud, hadn’t she? She tried to study the menu, but everything was a blur.
Monk got up from the table, came around, and sat in the chair next to hers. “My heart will shatter if I leave again too.”
“But you have to leave. Yachats isn’t your base. There are missions or ops or whatever you call them, and when they’re over, you have to go home.” Saylor shook her head. “I don’t even know where your home is Monk.”
“If I agreed to make Yachats my home, then I would return after each one, just like your brother does.”
“Are you saying that’s what you want to do?”
“I see no other option.”
“Does this mean we’re going to be in a relationship, Monk? We both said we weren’t looking for one.”
“Sometimes things appear whether you’re looking for them or not.”
“I don’t know.”
“As I said, I see no other option.”
“You make it sound so…business-like.”
“This isn’t like you, Saylor,” he said, stroking her cheek with his finger. She leaned over and put her head on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry. It’s been…rough.”
“For me too.” He put his finger under her chin and brought his lips to hers.
She moved so her mouth was close to his ear. “I’m scared,” she whispered.
“As am I.” Monk backed away and scrubbed his face with his hand. “There’s something we need to talk about.”
She looked into his eyes. “Okay.”
“Not here. Later, but before we go back to your house.”
“You’re worrying me a little, Monk. Can you give me any idea what it’s about?”
“I need to tell you about my father.”
—:—
Saylor ate very little of her dinner, not that Monk expected her to eat much, particularly after dropping the bomb about needing to talk about his father. He had no idea why he’d brought it up like he had, or even why it suddenly became so urgent that he tell her about what happened. All he knew was if they were going to make a commitment of any kind to each other, she needed to know about the second thing that contributed to him becoming the man he was today.
He’d already told her about his sister, and as hard as that story had been to get out, this one was more difficult. Instead of driving Saylor back to her place, he parked the Jeep on one of the scenic overlooks that dotted the Yachats highway.
“My father wasn’t around a lot when I was growing up,” he began, looking out at the ocean rather than at
her. “What I found out when I was a teenager, a few years after my sister’s death, was that he’d spent most of his time away from us in prison. My mother never wanted us to know, so she said nothing.”
“I do the same thing with my girls,” Saylor said as though she was defending his mother’s actions.
“You’re right to, particularly given their age.”
“What was he in prison for?”
“All kinds of stuff. Armed robbery, drug trafficking. He wasn’t a very good man. After my sister died, he got worse.”
Saylor turned in her seat so she was looking directly at him. Monk couldn’t do the same.
“What happened?”
“It could’ve been that I was older and could more easily see the signs, but he became increasingly abusive against my mother.” Out of the corner of his eye, Monk saw Saylor flinch and turn away from him. At that moment, he became more worried about her than how hard this story was to tell. He turned in his seat and took her hand in his. “Look at me, sweetheart.”
Her cheeks were flushed, and while she looked at him, she had a hard time maintaining eye contact.
“He never laid a hand on me, I suppose because he saw in my eyes what would happen if he did.” Monk took a deep breath, willing himself to continue the story he hadn’t told anyone for years. “I came home one night and saw his car in the driveway. I can’t explain the feeling that came over me, but I knew something was going to happen that night that would change me for the rest of my life.”
He met Saylor’s gaze. “Are you okay?”
She nodded.
“I could hear yelling, so instead of going in the front door of the house, I went around to the back. As I came up the back porch, I could see him. He had a baseball bat and was about to hit her.”
“What did you do?” Saylor whispered.
“I killed him,” he said with every finality he felt that night. “It was her or him.”
“What happened to you?”
“Nothing. Surprisingly. Not even manslaughter. The cops knew the history of our family. They also knew his record. It was determined to be self-defense almost immediately.”
“You did what you had to do, Monk.”
“My father was the first man I killed, Saylor. There have been others.”
“It’s part of what you do. Just like it’s part of what Razor does.”
“Not everyone can accept it.”
“Before you left, I told you that I believe the decisions you make are the best ones given the circumstances of the situation you’re in. Is there truly anyone you’ve killed that you regretted later?”
He thought it over for a minute. There really hadn’t been anyone. Like with his father, it was a matter of protecting the innocent from the evil.
“Were you afraid I would think less of you, Monk?” Saylor shook her head and looked away. “Believe me, I’m in no position to judge.”
“I don’t tell everyone that story. It isn’t everyone’s business, but I had to tell you.”
“Can we go back to the house now, Monk? I don’t like being so far away from you.”
He smiled. He could reach out and touch her, and she could do the same, but it was nothing like skin-on-skin. He put the Jeep in gear and backed out of the parking area. As they drove back to Saylor’s place, a feeling of dread settled over him. It wasn’t about her reaction. She understood the decision he’d made that night.
This was something different. He had no idea what was coming, but whatever it was, wouldn’t be good.
19
“Hi, Aine. What brings you over?” Saylor asked when Ava’s sister knocked on her open door. “Come on in.”
“Do you know Stuart Anderson?”
“The plumber?” Saylor regretted her question the second she asked it. She’d known Stuart most of her life, and he wasn’t just a plumber. “I’m sorry. Yes, I know Stuart.”
She felt even worse when Aine’s cheeks flushed a bright red.
“We’ve gone out on a couple of dates.”
“That’s great,” said Saylor, trying her hardest to recover from her previous gaffe but fearing she sounded insincere.
“I think Razor totally intimidates him. I was wondering if maybe you and Monk might like to go to dinner with us sometime.”
If Razor intimidated Stuart, Saylor doubted Monk would make the man feel more comfortable. Heads didn’t turn when her brother walked into a room. Well, women’s heads turned, but in a way that said they wanted to get to know him better. Monk, on the other hand, seemed to attract attention wherever he went. While he was oblivious to it, Saylor noticed it from the first time he found her and Poppy at the bar in town.
“I think that’s a great idea. I’ll run it by Monk and get back to you.”
“Thanks,” Aine answered, looking everywhere but at Saylor.
“Look, I’m sorry if I came across badly. It’s just that everyone kind of knows he’s a plumber.”
“It isn’t that.”
“Have a seat, girlfriend, and tell me what it is then.”
“You know I was seeing Striker last year.”
Saylor wondered about that. They’d seemed hot and heavy, and then there was nothing.
“He and Stuart are very different.”
“I may be overstepping here, but the spy life isn’t as glamorous as some people think it is. Razor is still my irritating little brother who’s always been so full of himself that I’m surprised his neck will hold his big head. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, but the truth is, for many years, he was gone more than he was home. I think your sister changed that, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all change. Every one of them—Monk, Striker, Gunner, my brother—they all chose the life they lead. I’m sure they get off on the danger as much as they tell themselves it’s their calling.”
Whoa. Where had that come from? Her subconscious talking much? Who was she talking to—herself or Aine?
“Thanks, Saylor. I needed to hear that.”
“Anytime.”
A WEEK LATER, she and Monk went to dinner in town with Aine and Stuart. As Saylor expected, Stuart didn’t seem the slightest bit comfortable. In fact, he seemed a lot angrier than the guy she’d known most of her life. She hoped that at some point Monk and Aine might leave the table at the same time so she could ask Stuart what the hell was up his ass. She didn’t get the chance, and it was probably better that way.
“What did you think of Stuart?” she asked Monk on the way home.
“Something’s off there.”
Saylor rested her head against the back of the seat. She agreed, but she couldn’t put her finger on what it was.
“What’s bothering you?” he asked.
“Nothing’s wrong,” she answered, but not truthfully. The conversation she’d had with Aine a few days ago repeated in her head. She’d warned her friend that not all of the K19 team members would prioritize a relationship over their career—not that she wanted one. She stifled a groan and turned her head so he couldn’t see the look on her face.
“Don’t lie to me, Saylor.”
“Wait a minute. What did you just say?” He wasn’t wrong, but she bristled at him calling her out on it.
“I can’t do anything about it if you won’t tell me what’s on your mind.”
“What it is, is nothing, like I said.”
He nodded his head and focused on the road ahead of them.
“I’ve got a long day tomorrow,” he said after he’d pulled the Jeep into the garage and she hopped out without waiting for him to come around the other side.
She had a long day tomorrow too. In fact, she had a lot of time to make up for. Since Monk waltzed back into her life, she’d slacked off on flying. Time on the ground was adding up faster than time in the air, and she needed far more of the latter than the former.
“Goodnight, Monk,” she said when he climbed on the motorcycle and was about to put on his helmet.
When he nodded and started the bike, Saylor went insid
e. As soon as she heard he was gone, she’d come back out and close the garage.
When she returned a couple of minutes later, the garage was already closed, but Monk and his bike were gone. Did that mean he somehow knew the code for the keypad that was outside the door? The fact that he might, pissed her off more than the fact that he hadn’t even bothered to try to kiss her goodnight.
“WHAT’S WRONG?” her brother asked when she was about to leave for the airfield the next morning.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came over to tell you that Cliff has a parole hearing coming up.”
“When?”
“Next month.”
“When next month?” she snapped.
“It isn’t important. I’ll take care of it like I always do.” Razor turned to walk away.
“Then why even tell me?”
“I don’t know. I won’t make that mistake again.”
Her brother walked down the trail back to his house, leaving Saylor with a boulder in the pit of her stomach. What was wrong with her? Monk had asked her the same thing last night, and Razor had before he’d even said good morning. Obviously, she was throwing off some powerful vibes she wasn’t aware of. Maybe after her flight today she’d see if Poppy had some time to get together.
That was another thing. Why did she only think about calling her friend when something was wrong?
—:—
Monk looked up from the computer when Razor walked in and slammed something down on the desk.
“Sorry,” the man muttered.
A few minutes later, he did the same thing, followed by a slew of obscenities.
“Everything okay, boss?”
“No, it isn’t.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
Razor pulled out the chair next to him, spun it around, and sat on it backwards. “Did something happen with you and Saylor?”
This was absolutely not a conversation he intended to have with anyone but her, especially not with her brother.
“That isn’t any of your business.”
“The hell it isn’t. I haven’t seen my sister like this since…before.”
Monk nodded. He knew what Razor meant, so he threw him a bone. “No, nothing happened with us, but I sensed something is wrong.”
Monk (K19 Security Solutions Book 7) Page 11