For Nicky

by A. D. Ellis

  “But, even though I go home with a bad case of blue balls every time I’m around her, I know that Libby isn’t ready for sex, and I am honestly afraid that it would mess things up for us. So, instead, I find myself thinking of her smile constantly. Thinking about things we could go do, movies she might like, restaurants we should try. Heck, we’ve got a whole all day date planned complete with a run, bowling, movie and dinner. And it was MY idea. I’ve never spent that long with a girl in a single day. But, being around her is all I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, the kissing is fabulous, but I just want to be around her whenever possible. So, it sounds like maybe a relationship is the right term for what I’m wanting. Wow, just saying that is absolutely terrifying. I never thought I’d want to spend this much thought and effort on one single girl.”

  Dad and Uncle Dale just sat back and smiled at me as I had my little epiphany. “Nate, just make sure that you talk to Libby about where you’re seeing this going. Make sure she’s on board the same as you. And, start this whole thing with honesty. Talk to each other, communicate, share. If not, you’ll find yourself in a heap of trouble more than once.” I nodded at Dale’s advice. So, now that I’d survived Dad and Uncle Dale, I just needed to find a way to bring this little nugget of information up to Libby and see how she responds. Now I’m not sure if I’m super excited about the date or super nervous. Maybe a little bit of both.

  Chapter 36

  Libby

  It’s date day! Instead of having to get through a whole day before seeing Nate, I get to spend the entire day with him. I’m dressed in my running gear and headed to the park to meet him for our morning run. I wasn’t silly enough to fix my hair or makeup to run, but I may have made sure to wear my shorter running shorts and my skimpier tank top. It’s not like I want to lead Nate on, but I don’t think keeping him interested is a bad thing, right? Or, yuck, did I just pull an Audrey? Shouldn’t he be interested in me for ME rather than my short shorts and tight tank? Do I want a relationship based just on physical attraction? Wow, now I’m seriously overthinking this. It’s just a run.

  Speaking of being serious about a relationship with him, this is freaking me out. And, I know for a fact that Nate is probably totally freaked. I can’t imagine him being interested in a relationship. He’s a serial dater. No, not even a dater; he just has lots of sex with random girls. Oh, gosh, surely he’s not still randomly hooking up with girls while he’s seeing me, is he?! He doesn’t seem like the type to do that, but I know there’s no way he wants anything more serious. I don’t know that I can move on physically without more of a commitment between us. But, I don’t want to use the promise of something physical to push him into a commitment because that would be using sex like Audrey does. That’s not me. Ugh, now I’m totally overthinking things AGAIN. I just want to enjoy my time with Nate and see where things go. Yep, that’s all I want.

  I get to the park just as Nate is getting out of his Jeep. On the topic of the Jeep, I’m not sure there’s anything sexier than a hot guy and a Jeep and Nate does the hot guy in a Jeep thing perfectly. I keep my sunglasses on and watch as he climbs out. His long, muscular legs are encased in black basketball shorts. Of course, Nate, who I think has a shoe fetish, has on flashy green/orange/purple running shoes. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen the man wear the same shoes more than once. His dark grey t-shirt skims his chest and torso perfectly. Nate Morgan is one fine male specimen. The best thing about him though? He doesn’t really realize it, and he’s nice on the inside just like on the outside. Yes, he’s a whore. Yes, he uses threats and his fists more than he should. But, he’s also kind and considerate and funny. At least that’s the side of Nate that I get to see. I wonder if anyone else would believe me? Maybe his parents and Nicky.

  Nate must sense that I’m watching him. He turns and cocks his head sideways a bit and raises an eyebrow in question. I smile and shake my head to clear it from my little thought parade. Nate comes to my side. “Hey, beautiful, whatcha thinking about over here,” Nate asks with a little smirk, like he knows I was checking him out.

  “Oh, nothing really, I just saw a really hot guy and got a little sidetracked with how gorgeous he is both inside and out,” I replied with my own little smirk.

  Nate ducks his head a bit like he’s embarrassed, but then he grabs my hand and pulls me closer to him and says, “Really? Because I saw this really hot girl and I got sidetracked with how beautiful she is both inside and out.” Then Nate cupped my cheek and leaned in for a kiss. It was warm and all too short. “Good morning, Libby.”

  Nate and I do a few warm up stretches then decide on 3 miles for sure, 5 miles if we feel up to it. Usually I would have my ear buds in and music on, as would Nate, but we decide we’d rather talk. We start in on Trail 1, which is 1.5 miles, but it leads to Trail 2 which is 3.5 miles, so we’ll get our 3-5 miles easily. We each set our GPS and start a slow but steady run. We both agree that running and talking is a lot harder than just running and listening to music. Nate is so easy to talk to. We spend our time talking about anything and everything as is the usual case when we are together. We start talking about Nicky and why he is the way he is. I sense the pain and guilt that Nate holds onto. He doesn’t straight up say it, but I get the feeling that he has the “why Nicky, why not me?” guilty thoughts running through his head. He tells me stories about Nicky and him as kids. Playing with Nicky, letting Nicky make up games for them to play, Nicky wanting to be just like Nate, Nicky crying when kids were mean to him, Nate beating up a lot of kids for being mean to Nick. It’s very clear to me that Nate does everything to help Nicky, to protect Nicky, to keep Nicky happy; the fighting and the threats and the sticking around town instead of moving away, it’s all been for Nicky.

  By the time we get to mile 3, talk has turned to Audrey. It’s awkward talking to Nate about my sister when we both know he’s been physical with her. I mean, I try to keep in the front of my mind that he didn’t even know me when he was with Audrey and that none of Audrey’s relationships have ever meant anything and, from what Nate tells me, none of the girls he’s had sex with have meant anything to him either, but it still runs through my mind. Now is probably not the time to ask, but I need to hear more about them together so that I can hopefully move away from this weirdness.

  I tell Nate about growing up with Audrey, how she over shadowed me from the moment of her birth due to her neediness and vibrant personality. I share how much things changed for the worse when Mom died. I’d never really told anyone about Dad’s drinking and the friends he’d have over who made me feel so uncomfortable. Telling Nate about Dad’s depression and yelling and emotional shut down was sort of freeing in a way. I realized again how proud I was of my dad for getting sober and continuing with his continual recovery from the drinking. I talked to Nate about how Audrey would make fun of me in school. She would get her friends and mine, if I ever had any, to laugh at my clothes. I wore the same clothes that everyone else wore so I never understood how they could laugh at those. Or Audrey and the others would make fun of my hair or glasses. I shared how she would spread rumors about me so that no boy ever wanted to talk to me. Looking back on all of this, I see that Audrey was a total bully and that I accepted it because she was some of my only family and I didn’t know how to stop it. It wasn’t fun and it brought me down, but I figured there were worse things in life than a sister who was mean. Plus, Audrey always said she never really meant anything by it, so I let it go. Nate looked flabbergasted when I told him about Audrey setting me up with Austin and the whole mess with all of that. “Nate, I’ve never really told this stuff to anyone. Between Dad’s drinking and eventual recovery and Audrey’s treatment of me, it just feels good to talk to someone about it all. Thanks for listening.”

  “Libby, I will always listen to you. I don’t care if it’s about something good or bad or silly or serious, you can always talk to me. But, I wonder if maybe you should talk to someone in a more professional capacity. Audrey’s treatment of you wasn’t,
and still isn’t, ok and it’s definitely hurt you. Just consider it, ok?” Nate looked so sweet and sincere, so I told him I’d keep it in mind.

  We reached our 5 miles easily since we’d been talking so much. Because it was fall, the breeze was still warm but you could feel a bite in it every so often. Nate dropped me off at home so I could shower and change. He told me he’d be back in an hour and a half to pick me up. We were planning on hitting a matinee movie so that gave me plenty of time to get ready and still be at the theater on time. We decided that popcorn would be our lunch then we’d get dinner later on.

  I was so excited to spend the rest of my day with Nate. A perfect run this morning and then a whole day with him was possibly as close to perfect as I’d ever experienced. I felt a little silly being so excited about a guy, but this was stuff I’d never done. I didn’t have all the teenage first love type stuff, so I decided I’d just go with it all and enjoy it. I jumped in the shower and made sure I got all the important parts washed and shaved before lathering up my hair and giving it a good conditioning too. I did my makeup quickly, not putting on much of anything except some mascara and lip gloss. Was it bad that I wasn’t too worried about my makeup? I never wore much and Nate never seemed to mind. I spent more time on my hair, just because it’s so thick so it automatically takes longer. I used the blow dryer for a while then decided I’d get dressed and come back to my hair if I had time. Since I knew the day was warm but predicted to get cooler and the theater would be cold, I chose a pair of skinny jeans, brown boots, a burnt orange tank, and a longer orange/brown plaid flannel shirt. I picked a thicker brown belt to put around the shirt. I had about 30 minutes until Nate was supposed to show up, so I finished my hair so that it was only slightly damp. Letting it air dry the rest of the way would assure some pretty waves.

  I figured I’d sit and read for a little bit while I waited for Nate to come get me. A knock at my door surprised me. Nate didn’t strike me as a show up early/not text a warning type guy. I checked the peek hole and seriously had to swallow my groan. Audrey. Not really the person I wanted to see today. I didn’t want her to mess things up for me with Nate. I didn’t want to listen to her tell me how bad I looked or how Nate would never stick around. I definitely didn’t want to hear about her and Nate together. I wish I could pretend I wasn’t home, but I just am not that type of person. I wouldn’t want to offend her or piss her off. It’s easier just to deal with her and move on.

  “Hey, Audrey, what’s up? Come in.” Audrey smiles, which seems a little fake, and comes on in. She’s dressed to the nines as usual. Heels, tight skirt, tighter shirt, hair styled much bigger than you’d think is possible. I can smell her perfume and hairspray as she walks past me. Who dresses like this for a normal day? Audrey does, obviously. She looks me up and down. “Are you going somewhere, Beth?”

  I tell her I have a date. She looks pissed for a moment, then gives me a smile that doesn’t even begin to reach her eyes, and says, “Oh, that’s nice. Who’s the poor shmuck?”

  Obviously, she’s baiting me, but I don’t think quickly enough and I just reply, “Nathaniel Morgan.”

  Audrey rolls her eyes. “Beth, sweetie, I’m going to try to say this in the nicest/sisterly love type of way. But, Nathan Morgan is way out of your league. You are dressed in a flannel shirt, you might as well wear a sign that says ‘frumpy’ on the front and ‘won’t ever get laid’ on the back. Nate is an animal in bed, I should know. He needs sex. I doubt you’re giving it to him yet. If you ever decide to try sex again, it will probably be as bad as it was with Austin. Not because Nate isn’t good, because the good Lord knows that man is G.O.O.D in bed, but there’s no way your ‘basically a virgin’ body can live up to what he’s used to. Hell, the boy wore ME out and I have as much experience as he does, if not more. I’m not sure why he’s hung around this long. Maybe he sees you as a challenge. Yeah, maybe he’s decided to string you along long enough to get in your pants, but, Beth, he’s not going to stick around. Nate needs hot sex, a variety of girls, no strings. I don’t want you to get hurt when he fucks you and leaves you. Oh, God, Beth, seriously, stop with the teary puppy-dog eyes. I’m just telling you the truth.”

  Deep breaths. Don’t let Audrey ruin this day. Don’t let Audrey ruin what Nate and I may or may not have. Don’t make her mad, just listen to what she’s spouting off about and let her go.

  “Audrey, thanks for your concern. I don’t know what’s going on with Nate and me. We’ve been on a few dates and we’ve been talking. He’s not pushing for sex. If I decide to take that step, it’s not like I’m a 16 year old, I’m a grown up, I can weigh the pros and cons of the decision. So, Nate will be here soon. What did you come by for?”

  “What? A sister can’t just come visiting? Gee, Beth, way to make me feel welcome.”

  Um, no Audrey, I don’t think you just came visiting, but I won’t cause problems, so I keep my mouth shut. “Sorry, Audrey, you just don’t come over often. It’s nice to see you. Do you want to sit down? Can I get you a drink?”

  “No, I can tell you don’t want me here, so I’ll leave you to your date. I really hope you’ve got time to change because that outfit is hideous. Listen, about what Nate said at the party, I want you to know that I don’t purposely try to be mean to you. You sort of just open yourself up to it. I try to be helpful in what I say to you. I’m not trying to bully you, I’m just trying to save you from strangers saying mean things to you. It’s easier if it comes from family. You’ve never been as brave or strong as me, so I just want to use my power to protect you. I hope you get that.”

  Audrey says all this as she heads to the door. She opens it to find Nate standing there. “Oh, hi Nate, don’t worry, I was just leaving. Hope you guys have fun tonight! I’ll call Beth and set something up soon. You guys should come visit me sometime. Bye-ee!”

  Nate watches Audrey leave and then turns to me. “Lib, you ok? What was that about? Audrey doesn’t seem like the visiting type.”

  Nate takes my hand and leads me to the couch. I’m trying really hard to keep it together, but I always feel emotional after a conversation with Audrey. Nate notices my tears and pulls me in for a hug. “Hey, now, don’t cry. Tell me what happened.”

  I tell Nate that I don’t want to miss the movie. He pulls out his phone and after a few clicks tells me there’s a movie that starts 45 min later than the one we were going to see, so that gives us an hour to talk before we head to the movie. “Now, don’t worry about the movie, talk to me Libby.” I settle into the crook of Nate’s arm and tell him all about what Audrey said.

  Chapter 37

  Nate

  I’ve been pissed at a lot of people over the years. Pissed at myself for not being able to protect Nicky. Pissed at the bullies who made fun of Nicky. Pissed at the adults who ignored it or let it happen. But I’m not sure I’ve ever been so pissed at someone as I am at Audrey right now. The shit she said to Libby is so over-the-top. She and I had unremarkable sex one time. I barely remember anything about it, except the overwhelmingly cloying scent of Audrey’s perfume, which still makes me sick to my stomach. There was nothing special about it. Why is she lying about it being great and rubbing Libby’s face in it? Can she really not stand to see her sister happy? Why would she care, it’s clear that she and I were not going to work out.

  I hug Libby then turn her so she can see me. “Libby, I need you to know, Audrey meant absolutely nothing to me. None of the women I’ve been with ever meant anything. I know this sounds bad, but I never looked at them beyond just a means to an end. I needed a physical release and they had what I needed. I never led them on, never promised them more. They knew where things stood from the very beginning. I’m not proud of my whoring around, but I need you to know this so you can understand that Audrey has no part of me. I don’t even remember the sex beyond that sick perfume she wears. IF you and I decide to take things further, it will be perfect between us. I’ve never felt about a girl the way I feel about you. Hell, I’m so into
you that I’m willing to wait for sex. I’m having picnics and sending flowers and sappy emails. You are so much more, Libby. Can we please forget Audrey and start over so that we can spend a perfect day together?”

  Libby nods her head and I get up from the couch and walk out the door. I know she’s probably wondering what the heck I’m doing. I grin to myself as I picture her confused face. I close the door and then wait for 10 seconds and knock on the door. Libby opens the door with a huge smile on her face. “Hey, Libby-girl, you look freaking fantastic. You ready to head out?” I can tell that Libby appreciates my attempt at salvaging what Audrey tried to ruin. “Hi, Nate. Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go!” The smile she gives me makes me feel like I’m ten feet tall and bullet proof.

  We walk to my Jeep, and I open Libby’s door. I steal a quick kiss before shutting her door and heading around to my side. I planned on talking to Libby about making this thing we have be something more official. But now I worry that she will think I’m doing it to make her feel better after what Audrey said to her. I guess I’ll see how things play out after the movie.