Life After Light

by E. S. Maria

  She used my very own words against me.

  And the worst part was that I had a chance to change her mind, but I didn’t fight tooth and nail for it.

  How could I, when she needed to heal? I had to put her first, and being with me would just make things complicated.

  So I tried this patience thing and I waited. I was willing to wait for as long as it took until Hannah was finally ready for me to love her again.

  And yet now, here I am, sitting by the bar at Gilroy’s, my eyes fixated on her.

  And I have been keeping an eye on Hannah since the first day she moved to Sydney to study at the Conservatorium of Music.

  But no, I’m not stalking her. It’s far from it. I only want to make sure that she’s safe. I won’t interfere but I’ll assist if I need to, without letting her know it’s me.

  How I do this without getting caught, or without her noticing I’m around will not be possible if everyone isn’t in on my plan.

  My plan was elaborate, and frankly, pretty fucking crazy.

  I came up with the cover of living in America, and I asked her mum, dad, Brodie, Brook, and Patty to help me. I spoke with my manager and my agent, and I let them know that I needed to keep a really low profile right after the world tour so I could write some new material. It’s not exactly a lie, anyway. Hannah has always been my muse, my inspiration. I write better songs when I’m closer to her.

  The one thing I was adamant about, however, was that Hannah should not know that I was around. She had to be able to go about her day-to-day life independently. She had to feel that sense of pride because she had come a long way, and she truly had. I may have looked out for her, yes, but I did my best not to interfere.

  And it was fucking hard. There had been so many instances when she had inadvertently placed herself in dangerous situations, so I had to make sure the dangers were averted. I took care of that pervert who tried to take advantage of Hannah’s vulnerability at Ruby Red’s. He was lucky that security took him away, because otherwise, I would’ve probably castrated him for even laying his hands on her. Hannah was completely oblivious to who rescued her, and that was how I wanted it to remain.

  And tonight, Hannah is still completely oblivious of me being here at Gilroy’s as well. I know I don’t have to be here tonight since she’s with Brodie and her friends, anyway. But Hannah invited Joshua as well, and he’s seated right next to her.

  I don’t like him. I have a bad feeling about him.

  Joshua. I don’t need to know his full name. He may seem like a nice guy to them, but I’ve known assholes like Joshua all my life. There’s just something not quite right about him.

  That’s why I’m here, seated by the bar, drinking my beer while watching Hannah and Joshua together. I want to punch him in the throat whenever I see him try to cop a fucking feel of her.

  I sit up when I notice Joshua excusing himself from the group, his lanky legs taking him to the bar. And now he’s standing at the empty space right next to me.

  Great. Just fucking great.

  He raises his hand, and the bartender approaches him.

  “What would you like?” she asks.

  My blood begins to boil as soon as I see Joshua’s eyeballs pop out from staring at that bartender’s ample breasts.

  “Hello, gorgeous. Can I get twelve tequila shots, please. Put it on this,” he hands her his credit card with a wink.

  Fucker.

  The bartender barely blinks as she prepares his order, then finishes the transaction and hands Joshua his card and a receipt. He must have felt my eyes on him, and he turns towards me.

  “Hey mate, how’re you going?” he greets me with a fake smile. Only, that fake smile turns into a smile of recognition.

  Shit on a brick.

  “Holy shit, wait … you’re Atticus Foster!” he exclaims.

  Not needing the unwanted attention, I answer quietly, “No, I’m not,” swivelling the bar stool so I can focus my attention again on the one person that matters to me the most.

  Hannah’s laughing at a joke Patty just said, and the sound of her melodic laughter travels towards me, and I can’t help but smile with her. Her hair sways to the side when she tilts her head back, and the light illuminates the scar running across her jawline. My chest swells at the reminder of her survival, but when she hurriedly tries to cover it back, I want to run over to where she’s sitting and tell her it’s beautiful. Then I’ll kiss it, like how I did that night we—

  “Yeah, she’s a pretty little thing, isn’t she? Well, other than that scar, she’s pretty. Oh, and I’m dating her so I’d appreciate it if you stopped staring at her.”

  My jaw clenches with Joshua’s words, trying my best not to jump off my seat and bang this fucker’s head on the solid, wooden bar. But instead, I continue to stare at Hannah.

  This idiot doesn’t deserve her. I don’t deserve her. But I want to be, and I’m doing everything I can to be the man Hannah wanted me to be in the first place.

  “If you keep staring at her like that, you’re not going to like what I’ll do next. You’re staring at the girl I’m taking home with me tonight.”

  My teeth clenches, and I’m gripping my beer way too tightly. But I try to ignore him.

  I’m really trying.

  But the whole patience thing worked for only about five minutes.

  “Fine. You wanna stare? Go ahead. She won’t know anyway, since she’s blind. I heard blind people are great with their hands ‘cos they overcompensate. Maybe I’ll let her massage me—”

  That was it for me. The fucker doesn’t get to finish what he has to say because my fist on his mouth cuts him off.

  “Don’t you ever talk shit about her, do you hear me?” I roar down to him, his body now splayed on the floor, ignoring the gasps of horror from around us.

  Joshua’s cupping his jaw, wincing in sheer agony.

  Good.

  “What’s the matter with you? Who the fuck do you think you are?”

  “Who do you think, motherfucker?”

  “Tic? Mate, what are you doing here? You didn’t have to be here tonight.”

  I turn my attention to Brodie, whose hand is now on my shoulder. He stares down at Joshua with a frown, but doesn’t bother to help him up.

  “Good thing I was. He disrespected her and started talking shit. I just showed him what happens when Hannah’s disrespected.”

  Just then, I notice Hannah approaching, with Brook guiding her closer to us. My heart was already beating fast from the adrenalin rush of punching Joshua. But seeing her approaching is making my heart beat out of my chest.

  She’s so damn beautiful, and I ache at the look of concern on her face, knowing that concern is not directed towards me.

  “Oh my God, Joshua, are you okay?” Hannah stops next to the fucker, carefully kneeling beside him, trying to help him as he tries to get back up. “Who did this to you?” She looks up to us, and my heart seems to stop as her eyes seem to stare right at me.

  “I had to, Hannah. And I’ll do it again,” I don’t know what made me speak up.

  Oh shit.

  Hannah isn’t supposed to know that I’m here.

  But I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand the hiding behind the shadows. I can’t stand not being able to touch her, and I especially can’t stand seeing her with another man.

  “A-Atticus?” she whispers, eyes widened, face depleted of colour. She stands up, forgetting to help Joshua who is now trying to stand up on his own.

  “So you know him? Of course you do, your brother’s from bloody Halcyon! I knew he was Atticus Foster!” Joshua yells out, gaining us even more unwanted attention.

  Brodie grabs Joshua with both hands bunched on his shirt, “C’mon, asshole. You need to go.” He nods back at me, and he drags the other guy towards the door, stopping only to hand him to the two security men who are approaching us.

  I look back at Hannah, and I see the panic and confusion in her face. Her eyes are downcast as she
tries to hear what the hell is going on around her.

  Brook steps closer. “You guys need to talk,” she turns back to Hannah, “Han, we’ll just be at the table. If you need us, just call out.”

  “No, Brook. Please stay,” Hannah beseeches Brook.

  My heart is beating into overdrive, my palms sweaty. I’ve never been this nervous in my life, and I’ve sung at sold-out venues that seat thousands.

  Hannah turns back to me, still looking confused, “I don’t understand. What’s going on, Atticus? What … what are you doing here? I thought you were in America.”

  I look around me, and I see the curious stares not only from our friends, but also from other patrons.

  “Can we talk somewhere more private? People are staring, and—”

  “I don’t care if people are staring. I want to know what’s going on. Why are you here, and what did you do to Joshua?” Hannah’s voice is rising, and it’s obvious that she’s becoming highly irate.

  Shit.

  This isn’t exactly how I pictured it in my head when I finally admit to Hannah that I’ve been with her all along, keeping an eye on her, trying to prove to her that I do want to stick around for her. I pictured her wrapping her arms around me after I finally give her my confession. But her reaction makes me wonder if she’d rather slap me in the face.

  But I should come clean now. I have to tell her the truth.

  “I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s Joshua who’s been an asshole. He doesn’t deserve someone as good as you.”

  “But you don’t get to decide that. I do! It’s my life! How long have you been in here?”

  “Han, maybe I should go …” Brook chimes in.

  “No!” Hannah answers, her expression thunderous now, “Atticus is going, not you. But not after he tells me how long he’s been here watching.”

  “It’s … it’s not exactly the only time I’ve kept an eye on you,” I tell her softly. “Please, Hannah. We need to talk about this … preferably somewhere more priva—”

  “Wait! What do you mean this wasn’t the only time? Have you been following me? For how long?”

  I swallow hard, feeling cold sweat line my forehead. “On and off when the tour finished, almost every day when you moved to the city. But I only did it because I wanted you to be safe, Han.”

  “Oh my God. Oh. My. God,” Hannah clutches her stomach with one arm, and Brook’s shoulder with the other, seemingly losing her balance.

  I try to take her in my arms, unable to help myself.

  I want to be the one she looks to when she needs the strength.

  But she won’t even give me a chance.

  “No! Let me go!” Hannah pushes me away.

  She’s upset with me, and I’m not going to fight her on this.

  “Let me explain everything, Han,” I plead softly, “Please …”

  Her eyes are downcast, “All this time you watched me … since I moved to the city?”

  “Since you started your music degree,” I answer quietly. “I did it because I wanted to keep you—”

  “Safe. You wanted to keep me safe, right?” Hannah cuts me off sarcastically. “Repeating it over and over doesn’t make it right.” She turns to Brook, “Did you know about this?”

  Brook looks resigned as she answers, “Yes. But Atticus only meant well, hun.”

  “Oh! He only meant well! Okay then. So does this mean I have to thank you, Atticus?” she sneers, and it makes my chest ache.

  I reach out for her arm, but she swipes my hand off roughly, making me wince.

  “What you did … no, what you’re doing right now is messed up, you hear me? So you pretend to be in America, when all this time, you were stalking me? What are you trying to prove, Atticus? Don’t you have anything better to do than mess with me? I’ve been trying to move on without you in my life. Why can’t you just respect that?”

  “Because I still love you. I never stopped, and I know I never will. I tried, Han. When I was on tour, I tried to forget you. I had women throwing themselves at me for fuck’s sake … and I meant that in its literary sense.”

  “Oh, spare me!” She raises her hand at me, disgust on her face.

  “But I didn’t do anything with any of them. It’s always been you.”

  “Until you decide that either you’re not good enough, or that you need something more. Then you’ll leave me again, right?” she tells me so bitterly that it makes me cringe. “So let me be clear once and for all. We will never happen again, Atticus. Never. Get that through your thick head. We. Are. Done.”

  “Please, Hannah. Just give me a chance to explain.” I feel like I’m about to throw up my heart.

  I can’t believe this is happening.

  She vehemently shakes her head, “I’ve been through enough. I can’t do it anymore with you. You need to stop deciding for me because you have no fucking right to do so. This is my life. And I do not want you in my life. So you need to stop stalking me. And if I need to get an AVO to keep you away, then I’ll do it.”

  “You don’t mean that. Please, Hannah. All I ask is just one chance. One last chance. I’ll never hurt you again, I promise.” I start to blink like mad, trying to stop the sting in my eyes that comes from hot tears welling up. I know how pathetic I look right now, but I don’t care. I just care about her.

  That’s why she can’t be saying these things because it hurts. She can’t mean the ugly words coming out of her beautiful mouth.

  “Don’t you get it? You are hurting me. You continue to hurt me by trying to run my life. You hurt me by not respecting my decision to be alone. No more, Atticus. No more. I’m done. Now it’s either you leave or I leave. Either way, I want you as far away from me as possible,” she raises her chin up as she takes her stance, but I notice the tremor in her voice, and I notice the tears streaming down her beautiful, haunted face.

  “I’ll leave … okay? I-I’ll leave. But before I do, I need to know one thing. Do you still have some love left for me at all? Even if it’s just a little bit?” I ask in hope.

  Hannah looks away, wiping her tears with eyes now downcast. Then she shakes her head, “I can’t love someone I know in my heart can hurt me again. So no. I don’t love you anymore, Atticus, because I would be pretty damn stupid to do so.”

  “Oh,” I nod, swallowing the big lump in my throat, feeling devastatingly defeated. “I guess you can’t be any clearer than that.”

  I step closer to her, planting one last kiss on her cheek, wishing in my heart that she’d let me linger my lips on her skin, because that would give me some kind of hope.

  But instead, she pulls away quickly, yanking my heart with it.

  I try to choose my battles. I always have. I choose to fight the battles I know I’ll win … like I never fought against my father because I didn’t want to prove him right.

  But fighting for Hannah’s love was a battle I was willing to fight for, and succeed in because I thought that in the end, when she’s finally stronger enough to love again, she’ll tell me that the war is over, and that I’ve won … we’ve won.

  But I guess this time, I’d have to wave the white flag and surrender in defeat. I can’t fight for a love that she basically nuked and destroyed.

  I guess no one really wins a war.

  “Goodbye, Hannah Mackenzie,” I whisper.

  And with feet made of lead, I drag my embattled body out of Gilroy’s and out of Hannah’s life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Hannah Mackenzie

  My heart is beating right out of my chest.

  I can’t believe what just happened. I can’t believe the sheer audacity of that man.

  What makes him think that he can get away with something practically predatory?

  I am so angry at the way he used my disadvantage to his own advantage.

  I turn towards my friend, something I’m not so sure of now, since she’d been conniving with Atticus to do this to me. “Be honest with me, Brook. Is he gone?”

&nbs
p; “Yes,” she sighs.

  “It doesn’t matter now. I can’t stay here anymore either. Please take me home.”

  “Are you alright?” I feel Brodie’s hands on my shoulders, trying to comfort me. But I shrug them off, still quite upset at being made to feel like a fool.

  “Other than the fact that you all played me, yeah I’m alright,” I answer sarcastically. “I’m going home.” I start walking off, not even caring anymore if they come with me or not. I wish I didn’t have to depend on them so much. I just don’t want their company right now. I just want to be alone.

  “We’re both taking you home, hun. Patty and her date, Dan, I think that’s his name, will just follow us after. They’re just sorting the bill,” Brook says, but I don’t answer. I just continue to walk, banging my walking stick on chairs and walls, knowing I should be careful, but right now, I just don’t care.

  Thankfully, our place isn’t too far, and after enduring a few moments of uncomfortable silence on the way, I finally make it home and in my room. I try to close the door so I can lock everyone out, but I don’t realise that Brook is right behind me.

  “You should have allowed Atticus to explain himself,” she tells me all of a sudden.

  Is she seriously taking his side? Of course she is. She’s in on it just like everyone else.

  “I don’t really feel like talking to you, all of you for that matter. Can you close the door, please, and leave me the fuck alone?” I place my walking stick by the door, next to my guitar case, before sitting at the edge of my bed, my back facing the door.

  “Hannah, that was uncalled for,” I hear Brodie’s voice coming from the same direction as Brook’s.

  “Fuck off!” I yell back at them.

  “I’m going to blame the margaritas you drank tonight for your shitty behaviour, but I cannot deal with you right now,” I hear Brodie whisper something indecipherable to Brook before I hear his heavy footsteps on the floorboards as he walks away.

  “God, you are such an asshole sometimes, you know that?” Brook tells me, sounding exasperated.

  Appalled, I stand up to face her, “I’m the asshole? Atticus was stalking me, he also hurt Joshua, you know, my date? And yet, you are all backing him up. I’m not the asshole here. You all are! How can you do this to me?”