Please Forgive Me

by Melissa Hill

  Jon.

  It made sense actually. In the past Seth had always been hugely possessive of her, and at the time she hadn’t minded all that much, almost viewing it as a compliment. But in reality, it was more a demonstration of Seth’s humongous ego.

  ‘The perfect excuse,’ she repeated flatly. ‘But if you were that sure about coming back then why would you need an excuse?’

  He gave her his best soulful look. ‘I guess I still wasn’t quite ready to face you. I needed to bide my time. Things ended so badly with us back then… I guess I didn’t know how you’d react.’

  ‘You didn’t know how I’d react to what? To you just rolling up here, not just to the doorstep but actually letting yourself in like you owned the place? Or to the fact that you lied yet again to my face last weekend about signing the divorce papers, not to mention avoiding them for the last twelve months,’ she added bitterly.

  That hangdog expression again. ‘I’m sorry, but you caught me by surprise. I guess I never really thought you’d go through with that, I mean, not without us talking about it first.’

  ‘You never thought I’d go through with the divorce?’ she asked incredulous. ‘Seth, you disappeared for the most part of a year! What did you think I’d do, just sit around and wait for you to return?’

  ‘I don’t know, I guess I thought we needed some space from each other, then we could try counselling or something …’

  ‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this! I just can’t believe it…Seth, are you out of your mind? Although no wait, I think it’s me that must be out of my mind for even considering this bullshit when all you’re doing is making it up as you go along so you can worm your way back as if none of this was your fault!’

  ‘I never said none of it was my fault, but there were two of us –’

  ‘Seth I just don’t want to know, OK? Your stupid excuses meant nothing then and they mean even less now. To think that after all that you just walked away and left me to deal with everything by myself …’ She shook her head, determined not to let this get to her again. It was so long ago, and she was back on her feet now. ‘So how dare you come back here and tell me that you miss me, when all you’re worried about is…well to be honest, I don’t know what in the hell you’re worried about, but I’m guessing it has a lot to do with your ego.’

  He looked hurt. ‘My ego? How?’

  ‘Because I’m over you – long over you and now I’m seeing someone else. You didn’t expect that, did you? Nope, you expected me to just sit around broken-hearted for who the hell cares how long. And then, when you find out I didn’t do that, you suddenly appear out of nowhere and start talking about how much you miss me! What kind of an idiot do you think I am?’

  ‘I don’t think you’re an idiot at all. Yes, it was tough finding out that you’re with someone else now, but I guess I didn’t really expect anything else. Any guy would be lucky to have you.’

  Alex put a hand on her hip, wondering how much more of this crap she’d have to take. ‘Give it a rest Seth, OK? I don’t know the real reason you’re here, but let’s get one thing straight here and now. I’ve been waiting to divorce your sorry ass for the last year and I don’t intend on waiting any longer. So for once in your life, try and put your own selfishness aside and let me move on with the rest of my life, OK?’

  For a long moment, Seth just stared at her, saying nothing. Eventually, he looked away. ‘No,’ he said in a low whisper.

  ‘No? What do you mean ‘no’?’ Alex gasped. ‘What is wrong with you?’

  ‘I don’t want us to get divorced Alex. I meant every word I said. This is nothing to do with jealousy or ego but everything to do with the fact that I still love you and I want to make this marriage work.’

  ‘Make this marriage work?’ she echoed yet again, wondering if she was seriously hearing things. Or if he seriously had a brain. ‘Seth, there is no marriage, you cheated on me, remember?’

  He shook his head defiantly and Alex couldn’t believe that after all this time, he was still trying to deny it!

  ‘Are you sleeping with this guy?’ he asked after a pause, his jaw tightening.

  ‘I can’t believe you would even ask me that question.’

  ‘Are you?’

  ‘We’ve been seeing each other since before Christmas Seth, what do you think?’

  There was the oddest expression on his face. ‘I see.’

  ‘What – you think that makes us even, or something?’ she said, trying to guess his thoughts. ‘For Christ sake, it’s not the same thing at all!’

  But the truth was, it was possibly part of the reason she’d hesitated for a time before sleeping with Jon. It had always felt…well not quite dishonest but disloyal in some weird way because she was in theory, still married to Seth. OK, so it had been pointless thinking that way when clearly their marriage vows hadn’t meant a thing to him, but Alex couldn’t help feeling like she was letting herself down by sleeping with another man while she was still married. The fact that she hadn’t been able to end the marriage, through no fault of her own made things even worse.

  But she’d got over that, hadn’t she?

  And then today, Seth turns up and makes her feel like crap for being with someone else, as if he was some kind of injured party!

  Seth sighed deeply. ‘Look Alex, back then, I’ll admit I was stupid … even now I can’t understand why I lied to you about where I was going that night. I guess for me flirting with other women was almost like a force of habit or something…’ Even as he said the words, he seemed to realise how pathetic they sounded. ‘All I can say is that I never for one second set out to hurt you. Never.’

  Alex looked at him, and all the pain and sorrow she’d felt in the aftermath of that awful time came flooding back. Why should she feel guilty for being with Jon? He had no right to make her feel that way. ‘Well, I’m sorry Seth,’ she said hoarsely, ‘but you did.’

  ‘I know. And I also know that I was stupid for taking off like I did. I guess I thought we could just work things out, but when you started talking about divorce… Look all I’m saying is that I’m back now and I want to try to again. Don’t you owe me that much at least?’

  ‘I don’t owe you anything,’ she told him firmly. ‘As far as I’m concerned you’re no longer my husband and I don’t want you in my life. This divorce is going to happen Seth, whether you like it or not.’

  Chapter 20

  But over the week that followed, Alex found herself plagued by Seth and his great intentions ‘to work things out’.

  ‘He’s driving me nuts!’ she complained to Leonie, who maddeningly seemed to think it was actually quite romantic.

  ‘Why are you so convinced he’s not sincere?’ she asked when they met up for one of their by-now regular lunches in the Crab Shack.

  ‘Because I know Seth, and I know damn well this isn’t about us getting back together; it’s about him trying to mark his territory! You were right you know; the Jon thing really rattled his cage.’

  ‘Poor you, and poor Jon too. What are you going to do?’

  ‘What can I do, other than keep him at arm’s length as much as possible, although not so much that he takes off again. I still need him to sign those papers.’

  ‘I still can’t believe he just let himself into your apartment like that,’ Leonie exclaimed. ‘And the innocent face on him too, like it was all perfectly normal and he’d just been away for a couple of days.’ She grinned. ‘You really should have seen your face.’

  ‘I know!’ Alex was still taken aback by this audacity. ‘And even worse, having fed me this whole line about how we were ‘meant to be together’’ she repeated with a roll of her eyes, ‘I really think he thought he could move back in too – as if we could just take up where we left off! God, what is it with guys that they can be so damn clueless sometimes?’

  At this Leonie smiled tightly and not for the first time, Alex began to wonder what had really brought her here. Clearly she was running away from s
omething, that much was obvious, but what? Or more likely, who?

  Her preoccupation with those letters and the story behind them seemed a little too intense to put down to just ‘nosiness’ and Alex wondered if Helena and Nathan’s romance had struck some kind of a chord with Leonie, something other than plain curiosity. Granted the letters were mysterious, and when Alex first learned about them she too was eager to figure things out, but only because she sensed a good story behind it. But there was a story behind Leonie too, and although she was interested in learning more about her new friend, she wasn’t going to push it.

  Leonie would spill her secrets in her own good time, and in the meantime, the poor girl had to put up with listening to her godawful situation with Seth.

  ‘So where did he go afterwards?’ Leonie asked her. ‘I take it you didn’t let him stay with – ’

  ‘Are you crazy? Of course I wasn’t going to let him stay over! He was lucky I let him stay standing after talking so much bullshit! Ooh, I never meant to hurt you Alex, I just couldn’t help myself…’ she mimicked. ‘Did you ever hear such a load of cheesy crap in your entire life?’

  But Leonie just smiled indulgently as if it was all very endearing, and again Alex wondered how Seth always managed to get on the right side of people – no strike that – the right side of women.

  ‘Well, I suppose he was right about one thing,’ Leonie ventured sheepishly. ‘By sleeping with Jon, you are sort of even, aren’t you?’

  ‘Come on, it’s not the same thing, and you know it!’ Alex was frustrated that this had come up again. ‘I didn’t go behind Seth’s back … at least not intentionally so it wasn’t cheating.’

  ‘I know, but from Seth’s point of view it probably is the same thing. You know how pedantic men can be about these things.’

  ‘When it suits them!’ It annoyed Alex that things were being twisted in this way. ‘Anyway, I doubt that Seth’s been lonely in the meantime so it’s a pathetic argument as far as I’m concerned,’ she grumbled, signalling Dan for the check.

  Leonie seemed determined to play devil’s advocate. ‘Who knows? Maybe he did realise he messed up, and didn’t know how to cope with the aftermath?’

  ‘So he runs away? Very mature,’ Alex said dryly but in the same instant, realised she might have hit a nerve. Leonie’s reaction left her in no doubt that she had done something all too similar in coming here.

  But what had she run away from? Alex really wanted to ask but damn it, this probably wasn’t the time or the place. ‘I guess people do have different ways of dealing with stuff,’ she said diplomatically, ‘but you can’t run away forever. Things have a way of coming back and biting you in the ass sooner or later, as Seth’s figuring out now.’ She was particularly careful to make it sound like they were still discussing Seth, although by her face, she knew Leonie was mired in thought about whatever it was that had happened to her. Alex decided to risk it. Taking a deep breath, she tried to sound casual. ‘Seems to me like you might have done a bit of running yourself,’ she said gently. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  Leonie paled. ‘What? I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘Honey, I know we haven’t known each other all that long, but I think I know enough to see that you’re hurting about something. You don’t have to tell me what it is, but if you’d like to talk, you know I’m here, OK? Sometimes it helps to talk. Hell, listen to me yacking on about Seth. I don’t what I’d do if I didn’t have you to complain to.’

  Leonie smiled uncomfortably. ‘Thanks Alex, but there really isn’t anything to talk about.’ She sighed. ‘I broke up with my fiancé recently, and I needed a change of scenery. That’s about it, really.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that; it must have been tough.’ It was obvious there was a lot more to it but clearly Leonie wasn’t ready to share. ‘Were you guys together long?’

  ‘A few years, and we were engaged about a year when things ended.’ Her body language was screaming that she didn’t want to discuss it, but Alex couldn’t help but probe a little further.

  ‘That’s a long time. Are you guys still in touch?’

  Leonie shook her head and looked away, trying her best to hide the tears brimming in her eyes. This time, Alex got the message loud and clear and didn’t press her any more; clearly the poor girl wasn’t up to it. But she wondered now whether the two of them had more in common than they’d thought? ‘Goddamn men,’ she joked grimly. ‘I sometimes wonder why we even bother. It’s not as though we actually need them for anything is it?’

  ‘I suppose not,’ Leonie smiled, her eyes still suspiciously bright. ‘But speaking of which, what does Jon think of all this stuff with Seth?’

  ‘He doesn’t know anything about it yet. Although I suppose I’d better say something, let him know what we’re up against for the next few weeks.’

  ‘Few weeks? Do you think Seth will give up that easily?’

  ‘It’s not a case of giving up, more a case of getting bored I think.’ Alex pushed her plate away. ‘Nah, he might have a bone to pick at the moment, but knowing Seth as I do, he’ll soon get tired and move on to the next challenge.’

  After lunch, Leonie returned to work and was out back getting the afternoon deliveries organised when she thought some more about her lunchtime conversation with Alex. It was tempting to confide in her, particularly now when they’d become quite close, and as Alex had pointed out, she was a very willing listener when it came to her problems with Seth.

  But the truth was, if Leonie tried to explain what had happened between her and Adam, she wouldn’t even know where to start. It would undoubtedly be difficult for Alex to comprehend, in the same way that back then, it was difficult for Grace to understand too.

  Dublin – One year earlier

  After Leonie and Adam returned from their visit to Andrea’s house in Wicklow, she called over to Grace to let her know how the visit went.

  ‘It was so weird,’ she told her friend over a cup of coffee. ‘As far as I knew, Hugo’s dad was also out of the picture. I’d never once heard mention of this Billy before now, but according to Suzanne, he’s Hugo’s dad.’

  That night at Andrea’s when they were getting ready for bed, Leonie had repeated to Adam what Suzanne to had told her, but much to her frustration, he couldn’t see what all the fuss was about.

  ‘So what if Andrea is seeing Billy again?’ he’d said shrugging. ‘They’ve been on and off for as long as I can remember and once he’s good to Suzanne, it’s really none of my business.’

  ‘But aren’t you the slightest bit curious about it?’

  Adam took off his shirt and hung it on the back of a chair. ‘Nope, as I said, it’s nothing to do with me.’

  ‘But why did Andrea say Hugo’s father was out of the picture?’ Leonie urged, amazed that he didn’t seem in the least bit perturbed about this. But then again, nothing Andrea ever did seemed to perturb Adam!

  ‘Well as I recall, she didn’t actually tell me anything,’ he said, getting into bed alongside her. ‘I suppose I just put two and two together. As I said, I really don’t keep track of who Andrea is or isn’t seeing.’

  ‘Oh.’ For some reason Leonie felt deflated.

  ‘Gosh you really are an imaginative little thing, aren’t you?’ he said, kissing her fondly on the nose. ‘Always looking for big mysteries where there are none. If Andrea’s seeing someone and he’s making her happy, then that’s good news for all of us surely?’

  Now Grace seemed to be echoing Adam’s sentiments.

  ‘What does it matter?’ her friend said. ‘It doesn’t have anything to do with you or Adam either way does it?’

  ‘I suppose.’ For some reason, Leonie had expected her friend to be as intrigued about all of this as she was. ‘But why did she react so strangely when Hugo mentioned him?’

  ‘Chances were she was just annoyed about her fancy man being brought up in conversation, especially in front of you.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  In fa
ct, once dinner had been served there was no mention of Billy for the rest of the night. Instead Andrea had spent much of the evening trying to undermine Leonie’s clothes, hair…even her engagement ring.

  ‘If Adam had ever even thought about presenting me with a crumb like that, I’d have run a mile,’ she’d said, examining Leonie’s small but delicately pretty solitaire while Adam was out of earshot.

  But he didn’t think about it, did he? she wanted to retort, but didn’t want to bitch in front of the kids.

  Not that their mother seemed to have any problem with it.

  ‘So when’s the wedding then?’ Andrea asked during dessert. ‘I presume Suzanne will be bridesmaid.’

  Leonie in the hope of surprising Adam’s daughter (and in truth, perhaps gaining some brownie points) was planning on asking her to be one of the bridesmaids when the time was right. But trust bloody Andrea to go and blow the entire thing!

  Adam was annoyed too. “Uh, thanks for blowing the surprise,” he said, shaking his head in dismay.

  Leonie turned to look at the teenager, hoping to rescue the situation. ‘Well, I was going to wait for another time to ask but yes, I’d really like you as one of my bridesmaids, Suzanne.’

  The younger girl rolled her eyes; her mother’s eagerness having now ruined any chance of her taking the idea seriously. ‘As if I’d want to wear a tacky, frilly dress,’ she groaned.

  ‘Hey, mind your manners young lady - ’ Adam began, before Andrea made a swift interjection.

  ‘Oh I’m sure Leonie wouldn’t dream of choosing anything tacky,’ she said archly, her sugary-sweet voice dripping with sarcasm. ‘But speaking of which, where did you get that interesting dress you’re wearing?’ For ‘interesting’ translate ‘horrible’ Leonie thought, livid at the woman’s blatant nastiness. Still, she was also kind of glad she’d asked.