Please Forgive Me

by Melissa Hill

  And right then Leonie realised that she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t continue down the road she was headed, she decided, a lump coming to her throat. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair. She loved Adam and he didn’t deserve this.

  She was about to tell him that he was a great father, when all of a sudden, he seemed to tense up and his body became ramrod straight.

  ‘Oh my God,’ Adam said, enunciating the words slowly and painstakingly. ‘Oh my God. I can’t believe that you…’ His gaze bored into hers, and Leonie was horrified by the hard glint in his eyes and the white pallor of his skin. ‘I know what you’re suggesting,’ he whispered, looking at her like she’d just crawled out from under a rock. ‘At least, I know what you’re trying to suggest, and I can’t believe you would even consider it.’ He turned away and ran a hand through his hair. ‘I can’t believe that someone who’s supposed to love me, who I’m supposed to marry, for God’s sake, would knowingly try be so spiteful!’

  Now Leonie was pale too. ‘Adam…’ she pleaded reaching for him, although she realised now that it was too late. She’d gone too far, and while she’d thought she’d pulled herself back from the brink, she hadn’t done it in time.

  ‘Don’t touch me!’ he gasped, in a voice that Leonie had never heard him use before and which sounded dangerously close to that of a wounded animal.

  ‘Please, I wasn’t trying to do anything, I was just …’

  ‘I know what you were trying to do,’ he barked hoarsely, ‘or more exactly, what you’re trying to say.’

  ‘Adam, you don’t understand,’ As a desperate last-ditch measure, Leonie tried to explain herself. ‘Yesterday I drove Suzanne down to Wicklow and I saw Billy. OK, I’ll admit I was going to talk to you about it, but then I realised I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt you.’ Her bottom lip wobbled. ‘But for your own sake, you must at least consider the possibility that -’

  ‘Don’t say it Leonie, don’t even think it!’ Adam warned her murderously. He picked up his jacket and marched towards the door.

  But she knew she had to try and save this situation, it was her only chance of saving anything else. ‘You don’t understand, Adam, I’m not making things up! The resemblance is incredible, there’s just no way that …’

  By now, Leonie was in tears, and she could see that Adam was dangerously close to them too. ‘I’m sorry Adam, but Andrea lied,’ she sobbed, before finally getting the words out. ‘Suzanne can’t possibly be your daughter – she looks exactly like Billy.’

  Chapter 33

  On Tuesday morning, Alex stopped by the station to check in with Sylvester and arrange to take some more time off, when she got the long-awaited call from the hospital telling her that Seth had regained consciousness. His folks were due to fly in that same afternoon and Alex prayed she’d have good news for them.

  ‘Does this mean he’s OK?’ she cried with a burst of relief. ‘How is he?’

  ‘The doctor is examining him now, so I’m afraid that’s all I can tell you,’ the nurse replied.

  Alex raced down to the hospital in quick time, having on the way called Leonie at work to tell her the (hopefully) good news.

  ‘I’m just not sure what to expect,’ she admitted fearfully, before promising to call her again later for an update. ‘What if he’s paralysed – or doesn’t want to see me or –?’

  ‘Just see what the doctors have to say first, OK?’ Leonie soothed. ‘Is Jon with you?’

  ‘No, he was working last night, so he’s gone home to get some rest.’ Alex said cursing the timing. It would have been nice to have Jon here to translate what (if anything) the doctors had to say about Seth’s condition.

  But on the other hand, it was probably better that she go to see him on her own. Especially if …

  When Alex reached the ICU and saw Seth lying in traction on the hospital bed, drips, bandages and machines all over, she almost threw up. He looked so shattered, so broken and it was all because of her.

  ‘Mr Rogers, your wife is here,’ the nurse said, leaning over him and to Alex’s amazement and immense relief, Seth opened his eyes and …what the hell, was he grinning at her?

  ‘Hey darlin’’ he greeted hoarsely, and his behaviour was so unexpected and so normal (yet completely out of place given the circumstances) that Alex wasn’t sure she’d heard right.

  But if anything, she thought with considerable relief, it meant that he couldn’t be that upset at her. Why else would he be grinning? Especially when in so much pain? Suddenly, all the heartache and worry of the last few days came tumbling out in a combination of relief, frustration and downright confusion.

  ‘What’s going on Seth?’ Alex cried, unable to control her emotions. ‘What the hell were you doing jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge? It’s a two hundred and fifty foot drop!’ As the nurse left the room, she seemed to give a sideways glance at Alex’s decidedly none-sympathetic tone. Well she didn’t feel all that sympathetic at the moment. After all she’d been through the last few days and now Seth was laughing at her for Christ’s sake!

  ‘Yeah. I know how big a drop it is,’ he replied, grimacing.

  ‘So what the hell were you doing? Was it some kind of dare or …? Jesus Seth, you scared the hell out of me! Your folks will be here soon, but I really didn’t know what to say to them on the phone. All this time, I thought it was… that you’d - ’

  He looked at her, understanding what she was getting at. ‘That I was trying to … sign out, or something?’ he finished his breath coming thick and heavy. ‘Come on Alex, I thought you… knew me better than that.’

  ‘Well why would I think otherwise, when the cops told me you were seen jumping off the bridge?’ For some reason, tears were now rolling down Alex’s cheeks – especially weird when she felt so damned angry. But there was no denying she was unbelievably relieved too.

  ‘I’m sorry, I thought you knew,’ he gasped grimacing, and despite his bravado, there was no denying he was in considerable pain. ‘I told the cops when I ... woke up.’

  ‘Told them what?’

  ‘There was this kid…’Again he paused for breath and licked his lips. ‘Hey, any chance you could … get me some water?’

  ‘Sure.’ Alex filled a glass from the nightstand and held it gingerly to his lips, her emotions dissipating somewhat. He really was in a bad way, and now that she knew her worst fears about his motives were unfounded, she wondered what the extent of his injuries actually was. Severe internal and external fractures, the doctors had said. What did that mean? Then almost without realising it, she reached down and took his heavily bandaged hand in hers.

  Seth beamed. ‘Why honey … I didn’t know you … cared!’ he teased, and Alex instantly let it fall. ‘Hey, I’m only kidding,’ he added with a slight wince. ‘I’m glad you’re here, Alex. For a while there I thought I… really was a goner.’

  So did I, she said silently. ‘Just tell me what happened – and start at the beginning.’

  Through painful fits and starts, Seth explained that on Friday afternoon he’d been jogging across the Golden Gate Bridge when he noticed a group of teenagers stopped near the south tower. ‘They’d been drinking beer and … making fun of this smaller guy, daring him to climb out onto the … ledge,’ he told her, his hand shaking uncontrollably as he tried to hold the glass of water. Alex quickly took it from him and held it to his lips, her heart breaking to see him so helpless. After a pause, Seth continued. ‘Poor kid looked terrified, and the others just … watched and laughed so …’ Grimacing, he stopped mid-sentence.

  ‘Hey slow down,’ Alex soothed, mopping his damp brow.

  ‘I guess I figured they were … bullying him. I went over and tried to break it up, told them I’d call security if they didn’t.’

  ‘There was no security around?’

  ‘Not that I could see. Believe me, if there was, I wouldn’t … be in this situation now, would I?’

  Alex nodded. Point taken.

  ‘I stepped over the barr
ier to try and help the kid off the ledge, but a couple of the bigger guys turned on me and told me to … mind my own business. There was a bit of a scuffle and I guess I must have lost my footing …” He shook his head. ‘Before I knew it, I’d gone off the ledge and … into the water.’

  ‘For Christ sake, Seth!’ Alex was so horrified she couldn’t contain herself. ‘Why would you go and get involved in something like that? It wasn’t exactly one of your crazy bungee jumps was it?’

  Still, she couldn’t help but feel impressed and oddly proud that he had intervened. But now comprehending the magnitude of it all, and how weak and helpless he was as a result, all of a sudden she started blubbering.

  ‘Hey, it’s … OK,’ Seth whispered, reaching for her hand again. ‘Someone must have seen it all because the rescue choppers were there within minutes. They got me out, although I don’t know how the … kid fared afterwards. Do you …think you could find out?’

  ‘For God’s sake, I don’t give a damn how the stupid kid is!’ Alex exclaimed. ‘You could have died!’

  Seth looked away. ‘I know, and if I’d given half a thought to what might happen, I would have minded my … own business and just kept going,’ he said solemnly. ‘Hitting that surface…it was like every bone in my body started to vibrate all at once.’ He bit down hard on his lip, as if just thinking about it unleashed a fresh wave of pain.

  ‘Oh God Seth…’ Alex couldn’t stand it. ‘What the hell possessed you to butt in like that?’

  When he didn’t immediately reply, she stood up and adjusted the blinds, just for something to do.

  Recollecting himself, Seth sighed. ‘Oh I don’t … know. I guess that thing you said about Doctor Love always … saving people got to me somehow.’

  She whirled around, incredulous. ‘What?’

  ‘Gotcha,’ he chuckled (with considerably difficulty) through his bandages. ‘Hell, I don’t know Alex … I just saw the poor little guy looking … scared so I stood up for him. I didn’t really … think about the consequences.’

  And what were the consequences? she wondered now, as Seth lay flat on his back, his body battered and broken. He might be trying to talk a good game, but it was easy for Alex to see past the bravado. He was in serious pain and very, very scared.

  Again there was a heavy silence in the room, until eventually Seth spoke again.

  ‘I know what you’re …thinking, and you’re right,’ he said solemnly, and Alex reached for his hand and squeezed it, preparing to console him. But instead his face broke into a shit-eating grin. ‘I guess I am one hard …son of a bitch to get rid of.’

  Chapter 34

  Despite his bluster Seth wasn’t out of the woods just yet. He would have to remain under close observation in the ICU over the next few weeks, and while the damage to his spine didn’t appear as grievous as the doctors first suspected, they still needed to keep an eye on his internal injuries. He would be confined to a wheelchair for a while and needed extensive physiotherapy, so it would be a long time before he was back on his feet. In the meantime, his parents had arrived and although they were as warm as ever, and seemed thrilled to see her, Alex still felt somewhat uncomfortable around them, given the circumstances with the divorce and all.

  This was the information she gave Leonie when later that day she called to update her on the situation (and the not-so-insignificant fact that Seth hadn’t been trying to top himself).

  ‘That’s fantastic news!’ Leonie said, relieved. ‘I’m thrilled he’ll be OK.’

  ‘Well, we don’t know for sure yet, but at least he didn’t …’ Alex still couldn’t even say the words.

  ‘I know, and see? I told you he wasn’t like that.’

  ‘I can’t believe he almost died trying to stand up for some stupid kid,’ she continued, still shell-shocked not only by Seth’s actions, but perhaps also Leonie deduced, by the thought of losing him? Despite her friend’s relentless protests to the contrary, Leonie suspected that Alex still had some feelings for Seth. Her reaction to his accident, and her subsequent vigil at his bedside had proved that. OK, so he may have misbehaved in the past, but any fool could see he was still head over heels in love with his wife. Who knew what the future might hold for them now?

  She’d intended on going down to see him at the hospital later, but according to Alex, visits were for the moment, strictly limited to family only. ‘Which just means me and his folks, I guess.’

  ‘Hmm, lucky they’re still married then, isn’t it?’ Marcy said archly, when Leonie told her this.

  She smiled at the irony. ‘I know, I thought the very same thing. But I still wouldn’t go pointing that out to Alex if I were you!’

  For her part, she was glad that she’d taken Alex into her confidence and told her the circumstances surrounding her and Adam’s break up and her reasons for leaving Ireland.

  ‘I’m beginning to understand why you were so obsessed with those letters,’ Alex said shrewdly when Leonie had finished recounting her sorry tale. ‘And why you identified so much with Nathan’s pleas for forgiveness. But correct me if I’m wrong, in this situation I don’t think Adam alone can grant you that,’ she continued, echoing what Grace had said before, ‘You need to be able to forgive yourself first.’

  ‘How can I? I ruined Adam’s life by uncovering the truth about Suzanne,’ Leonie argued. ‘He loved that girl with all his heart. As far as he was concerned she was his daughter and he never had any reason to think otherwise.’

  ‘Yes but you weren’t the one who pulled the wool over his eyes, were you?’

  That might have been so, but at the end of the day, Leonie knew it was her meddling that brought the truth to light and while she doubted that Adam (much less herself) would ever be able to forgive that, she hoped that someday, he might at least be able to understand.

  If anything Nathan’s letters had taught her that this was as much – if not more important.

  And although she loved San Francisco and her new life here, she couldn’t get away from the fact that she loved Adam a hundred times more and still missed him desperately. So many times she wanted to pick up the phone and tell him again how sorry she was, but she just couldn’t summon the courage do so.

  ‘Well I think you should just bite the bullet and talk to him,’ Alex said when Leonie tried to explain this ‘OK, so he was mad at the time, but what about afterwards when things calmed down?’

  ‘There’s no point.’ Leonie reiterated. ‘How could he ever respect or trust me again after what I did? I effectively took his daughter away from him; there is no coming back from that.’

  ‘But shouldn’t he be the judge of that? From what you told me, he sounds like a pretty decent guy. And I’m sure if you two just talked things over -’

  ‘It doesn’t matter now,’ Leonie said, thinking Alex sounded exactly like Grace.

  But they hadn’t seen the expression on Adam’s face that day.

  Forgiveness just wasn’t an option, not in this case. Anyway, that really wasn’t the point. She didn’t want forgiveness. All Leonie ever wanted was for Adam to know that she’d never meant to hurt him, and if she managed that, it would be enough.

  ***

  It was two weeks since Seth’s accident and Alex still wasn’t sure how to feel.

  She didn’t think she’d ever been so scared as when that cop appeared on her doorstep and she’d known instinctively it was about Seth.

  Granted, she didn’t think she’d ever come across anyone so frustrating and downright infuriating, but in that split second she got a glimpse of how it would feel if she lost him forever. And Alex was frightened of how that had felt, and of the way she felt when she came in to the hospital every day and saw him lying in the bed, alone, injured and still very scared about what was to come.

  Satisfied that he was over the worst, his folks had since returned to Texas.

  ‘I know I couldn’t be leaving him in better hands,’ Sally Rogers had said, giving Alex a gentle hug. ‘Whatever’s go
ing on between you two is none of my business, but whatever happens just remember you’ll always be like a daughter to me.’

  ‘Be sure to come down and visit us again on the ranch sometime,’ Bud added, and Alex was deeply touched by their graciousness towards her.

  She also had to admire the gracious way their son was dealing with his own situation, not to mention his bravery in landing himself in it in the first place.

  But she’d spent so much time with Seth since the accident that Jon had recently taken her to task about it.

  ‘What’s really going on here, Alex?’ he’d asked, after she’d postponed yet another night out with him in favour of visiting the hospital.

  ‘It’s hard to explain, but I guess I kind of feel responsible for him,’ she told him. ‘His folks couldn’t stay on here indefinitely, and he doesn’t really have anybody else…’

  ‘Why on earth do you feel responsible?’ Jon was unimpressed. ‘Alex, the guy cheated on you, and left you high and dry -’

  ‘I know.’ Alex really didn’t need reminding. She and Seth were over, she knew that, but she couldn’t turn her back on him just yet, especially when he was still in such a fragile state.

  But she also knew she didn’t need this kind of pressure from Jon, not now, when her thoughts and emotions were pretty much all over the place. ‘Look, I get what you’re saying, and you’re right, maybe I shouldn’t feel obligated, but I do and I can’t help it.’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry but I think you should know I’m not happy about it. Not happy at all.’

  ‘I know.’ Alex sighed and took his hand. ‘Look, Jon, maybe it might be better if the two of us took a breather from one other for a while.’

  He looked at her. ‘A breather?’

  ‘Yes, I know you’re upset with all the time I’m spending at the hospital and you’ve every right to be, but you have to understand why I’m doing it. He’s had a tough time of it lately and with the divorce coming through soon too … I just think maybe things will be easier once all that’s over with.’