vampires of san francisco 08 - merry sucking christmas

by Jessica McBrayer

  “Sebastian, where are you pushing us too? It’s quite chilly here, foggy too. Dreadful weather. Always nice down under. Shame we came at this time of year,” Doxie whines.

  “Pooksie, it’s fine. This is an adventure. I can’t wait to tell baby, Pooksie, that we were here while still mommy’s tummy.”

  “We just live next door, Doxie. I’m putting you in a special room at our house. Aidan magicked a window to look out on Paris in real time. It’s amazing.”

  “Oooh, Pooksie, Paris!”

  “Maybe we can have Aidan do that to our house down under, eh, Ce-Ce?”

  “Ohh I love that you think about my needs, pooksie.”

  I stifle my groan. These two are making me sick. Thank the gods we are almost there.

  “I love your window, Sebastian,” Celine says in her high-pitched voice. It sounds like a cat in heat.

  “Thank you, Celine. It’s a Tiffany. Came with the house.”

  “Oh, Tiffany’s. I want to go while we are topside, pooksie. Can we please?”

  Did she know any other word besides “oh” and the pitch in her voice just went up two octaves. Please Doxie, take her to Tiffany’s already. I think my head is starting to hurt. Vampires don’t get headaches.

  “Of course, Ce-Ce. Want the best for my girl. You can pick out a nice big diamond.”

  “Oh Doxie, you are so good to me.” She gives him a sloppy, wet kiss that makes my blood want to come up.

  “Lily, we’re home, ma cherie. Where are you?”

  “Coming, Sebastian. I was just putting some finishing touches on the guest room. Where’s Mattie?”

  “Aidan is fetching her from Julian and Helena’s. I saw him just as we were leaving and he said he wanted to show something to Mattie.”

  “Ah yes. He told me about that. We’ll just get some refreshments for Celine and Doxie. Come on, Annie. You were human more recently than me. I’ll need your input with real food.”

  Annie follows Lily into the kitchen. I lead Doxie and his Demon equivalent of a cat fight to the guest room.

  “Here’s your room Doxie. I hope it is adequate for you. Your bathroom is right in there.” I am just about to let them freshen up when the damn Demon puts his hand through dimensions and pulls their luggage into the room.

  “This will have to be okay, I guess. Not quite up to the mansion at home. Eh, Ce-Ce? We’ll have to slum it until New Year’s. Think of it as camping, kitten.”

  Lily would be livid if she’d heard Doxie talk about our home this way.

  “Oh it’s fine, Pooksie. Look at this window. It’s amazing.” She stands gawking in front of Aidan’s window. It really is a nifty piece of magick.

  “I’ll let you freshen up while I help Lily put together a snack for you. Just come out when you’re ready.”

  “Thank you, Sebastian,” Celine says and winks at me. Um yeah, my blood is definitely going to come back up. I quickly leave the room and find my beautiful wife before she kills me for this. It’s either going to get me a humanitarian award or end in divorce.

  11. Lilith

  Annie and I chop some veggies and fruit along with imported cheese and crackers. Sebastian comes sailing into the room to open a bottle of wine from the wine cooler. I think he is testing the waters. I can’t hold in my snicker at his apparent nervousness.

  “What’s so funny,” he asks, cocking a brow high.

  “You. You’re so nervous. I like it. You should be.”

  “Chou-chou, I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you first. I just saw the train wreck in front of me and wanted to help Diel and Hannah. She was beyond reason, as she should be.”

  “I know. I was a little shocked at first but then I was so proud of you for doing it.” I lower my voice. “Aidan put in the security you wanted, plus a panic button that goes straight to him. That’s what he’s showing Mattie now.”

  Speak of the devil. Aidan and Mattie pop into the kitchen making me scream. That, of course, sends Mattie and Aidan into roaring laughter.

  “Are you two quite done?” I can’t be upset and they know from my huge grin.

  “Nope. That was priceless, wasn’t it, Mathilda?”

  “Mommie, we got you! We got you!” she sings as she dances circles around me. Give me strength. She’s going to want to do it over and over again. I hope my heart can take it.

  “Yes, you did, sugar pie. Why don’t you have a bedtime snack and then Daddy and I will tuck you in?”

  “Oui oui!”

  Annie beats me to the fridge and gets Mattie’s blood ready. I give Aidan a cross look and he just laughs at me. Dammit, I can’t stay mad at him.

  “Does Mattie understand the security?” I ask him.

  “Yes, she does. She’s excited to use it so expect me popping in at all hours so she can try it.”

  “I’m sorry, Aidan. I’ll talk to her about it,” I offer.

  “You will not. I don’t want her to hesitate to use it. And I’ll get to have some one on one time with her. Haven’t had that in a while.”

  “Thank you, Aidan.” Bast claps him on the back. “Get home to your wife and son. We’ll hopefully not see you until morning. Remember, Lily has us all serving dinner at the mission tomorrow evening.”

  “I couldn’t forget. What with the texts, emails, and face timing she has been doing to everyone to make sure they are not late. Oomph! You don’t have to hit me.”

  I laugh because I know he’s not hurt at all.

  “It’s important, Aidan. I’m just nervous about it. It will be the first time I’ve tried something like this and I really want it to work.” I cover my mouth. “Oh, no. What are we going to do with Doxie and Celine?”

  “Let’s talk to Diel and Hannah tomorrow. Maybe he can stay home with the kids and cater to his dad while Hannah helps out?” Sebastian offers.

  “What do you have to do with us? We can go sightseeing. Ce-Ce wants to see the Golden Gate Bridge and seals,” Doxie says interrupting everyone as he walks into the kitchen. Celine is staring around the kitchen in awe. Yep, Aidan and Sebastian spoiled me. It’s decked out with everything. And I mean everything. It’s a shame that I can’t eat. I have been taking cooking lessons from Julian and Helena because I want to be able to cook for my god children.

  “I’m sure Diel would love to go with you. You can take the babies too,” Sebastian says. Celine frowns at that. Hmm.

  “I would like to spend some time with my boy and the little ones. Never really got a chance to see them. I’ll call him now.”

  Celine out and out pouts. Lip stuck out and eyes narrowed at Doxie. For once he is oblivious. I think it’s pissing her off the longer he goes without doting on her. She is fake and plastic on a good day and when she pouts she’s just ugly.

  “Pooksie, why don’t we just go by ourselves?”

  “What…? No, I have Diel on the phone right now.” Doxie walks out into the dining room to talk in privacy. Celine scowls.

  “Celine, would you like a glass of wine?” Sebastian offers, wielding his charms. Celine simpers.

  “Yes, thank you. This is a lovely home, Sebastian. It’s not quite as glam as our place down under but it’s nice for its size.” She runs her fingers along Bast’s arm and he looks pointedly at her hand but she doesn’t pull it away. In fact she winks at him. When she rubs up against him, like I am not standing across the room, I lose it.

  Aidan grabs me in an instant, knowing I’ve had enough.

  “Love, let it go. You know he loves you more than anything save Mathilda. He’s uncomfortable, look at him.”

  “All the more reason to rescue him or maybe kill her… not sure if I could take on Doxie, though.” Aidan chuckles and pulls me into a hug. Poor Bast is looking at us, pleading with his eyes.

  Finally, Celine leaves Sebastian’s side as we hear Doxie come closer.

  “Sounds good, son. Look forward to seeing you in the morning.” Celine’s shoulders sag along with her fake boobs when she hears they have plans with Diel.

  �
��So what is the happy family doing tomorrow?” I ask. I don’t miss the glare Celine sends my way as I stifle a chuckle. Payback and all that.

  “Diel will pick us up at ten. Then we’re going to Fisherman’s Wharf and over the bridge. He promised some excellent seafood. Can’t wait. Everything down under is frozen and then shipped. Nothing fresh. Eh, Ce-Ce? Won’t that be a nice treat?” Doxie gathers Celine into his arms. She runs her hands up and down his rotund chest and plays with his tie.

  “I don’t know, pooksie. Does he have to come with us?”

  “What’s the matter? Of course he has to come with us. We don’t have any idea where we are going up here. I want to see my boy, Ce-Ce. Not going to get your way on this. Now, that cheese looks good.” He rubs his hands together and dives into the platter that Annie and I have put together.

  I have to say that I think better of Doxie after hearing him talk to Celine about Diel. He’s a weak man, influenced by the women in his life, but he cares for Diel. I can see Sebastian and Aidan giving him a more respectful look.

  “Have a glass of wine, Doxie. We bought this on our honeymoon in Italy. You can almost taste the sunshine,” Sebastian says as he offers the Demon a glass of the fantastic red wine.

  “That sounds like an enjoyable day,” I say. Poor Diel will have to put up with Celine. Hopefully he will find some kind of redeeming quality in her.

  “I have to be leaving. I want to tuck Samuel in bed. Until tomorrow.” Aidan blinks out and Celine gasps. I guess she hasn’t seen him do that yet.

  “He’s so powerful. Does he ever get tired?” Celine practically purrs. Gross.

  “No, he doesn’t.” I can’t help but glare at her. She feigns concern.

  I will end up killing her, I just know it.

  12. Diel

  I rub my hand across my face trying to ignore the clingy fake blonde hanging on my father. If her squeaky voice says “pooksie” one more time I’m going to toss her into the Bay. The only thing that makes this day worthwhile is the fact that Dad is completely smitten with the twins. He dotes on them, making Celine jealous. Then she acts like a child. Even though he seems to love his wife, even he is getting tired of her lame attempts to draw attention to herself and away from the kids.

  “Pooksie, let’s take the Duck Tours. It looks like so much fun,” Celine squeaks.

  “I think the twins would have a good time. What do you think, son?”

  “I think they would have a good time. I think we might be tired of them quacking before the day is over. I can always feed the duck call to Hades.”

  My dad laughs and pats me on the back.

  “I’ll go buy us some tickets,” he says.

  Celine drops her sweet, gag-inducing, façade once Dad is out of sight. She pulls out a tube of lipstick and starts applying copious amount to her over-huge lips. She’s a cross between Mick Jaggar and Tammy Fae. It is truly grotesque. I have to look away to keep from gagging. I haul Finn over my shoulder while holding Fiona’s hand and guide them towards the Duck Tour mobile. It’s an amphibian vehicle that tours the city and the Bay. It’s actually a great way to see the most famous parts of San Francisco in a short amount of time.

  “Got the tickets!” Dad shouts with a boyish gleam in his eyes. I think he is more excited than the kids. Finn keeps trying to climb over me to get to the duckmobile. Dad chuckles and takes Finn off my hands for me and we all make our way to the tour.

  The tour guide helps us up and we find seats. We are all given duck calls and told to quack whenever we want. It’s a brilliant marketing ploy. The duck sounds draw all kinds of attention. Everyone tries theirs out and, much to the twins delight, they can make theirs work. I look over at Celine and she keeps trying to work hers. Her hyper-plumped up lips are drooling all over the call, getting her red lipstick everywhere.

  “Mine’s broken,” she whines. She resorts to shaking it up and down to make it work.

  “You’re not doing it right, Ce-Ce. Watch the babies. They have the hang of it.”

  Dad has Finn on his lap and I have Fiona. Finn decides to use his powers to obtain Fiona’s call too. When it appears in Finn’s hand making Fiona wail, Dad chuckles and gives Fiona’s back to her.

  “Chip off the ol’ block, eh, son? He’s a regular treasure hunter already. Is Fiona showing any talents yet?”

  “Pooksie, mine is broken,” Celine whines again interrupting me and dad. Dad actually rolls his eyes before turning to Celine.

  “Just hold onto it for now, Ce-Ce.” Dad sighs but quickly puts on a smile for Finn.

  “She’s starting to have some telekinesis and levitate. It causes problems with Finn. If he takes something of hers she brings it back to herself or if she wants something of her brothers she just flies it over. Of course then Finn makes it appear in his hands again. I’ve watched them fight back and forth forever before one gets frustrated and knocks the other over.” I chuckle and Dad’s face lights up.

  “Splendid, splendid. Very talented children. Of course they would be.”

  “It’s truly my greatest pleasure watching them grow,” I say.

  “Son, please talk to Hannah. I meant her no harm and I mean her no harm now. Your mom was quite the piece of work. She wasn’t always like that, you know. I know it’s wrong to talk about the dead but it was getting hard to deal with all her ugly.”

  I’m shocked. I’ve never heard my father be so honest. As much as I don’t want to be happy my mother is gone, I can’t help but see it’s been a good thing for us all. If he hadn’t married Celine maybe we could actually have had a nice Christmas.

  “I’ll talk to Hannah, Dad. We are all going to be together a lot the next few days. I think she was mostly shocked yesterday and she is fiercely protective of the babies.”

  “I understand. We did her a great injustice. She seems to be a fine mother.”

  “She is.” We’re interrupted by quacking and see that everyone is ready to go.

  The tour takes off and soon we are whisking around San Francisco. Through Chinatown and past Ghiradelli Square. Dad is taking lots of photos and he and the twins are competing with each other over who can quack the most. It warms my heart. I look over at Celine and see her eyeing my children with malice. I’m going to end up accidently knocking her into the Bay, I swear.

  After the tour I take Celine and Dad to a little place in Sausalito for a seafood lunch. I’ve packed the twins blood bottles that are opaque and encourage them to eat some seafood too. They’re not sure they like it. We want to provide them with a wide range of foods to try. Dad keeps feeding Fiona shrimp. She watches anxiously as he peels them for her. I think she likes the legs the most.

  Celine is pouting. She obviously doesn’t like the attention being kept from her. She is playing with her food and phone, ignoring us. So rude.

  Hannah should be up by now and on her way to the mission to help prepare dinner with Lily and family. I am actually a little disappointed that I can’t join them. I love the whole extended family. We don’t spend enough time with everybody in attendance.

  “Diel, this is the best seafood that I’ve ever had. Thank you, son. I think I could use a nap, though. Your old man is getting soft. Think we could head back after lunch?”

  “Of course, Dad. I could drop you guys off at Sebastian’s and still go and help everyone at the mission. Since I’m the only one that actually eats food, I think I should be there to supervise,” I say and laugh. Dad laughs back.

  “Never thought I’d see the day when a nest of vampires cook for the homeless. Your friends are truly unusual.”

  “That they are.”

  “I want to go shopping, Pooksie. You can have your nap later.” Celine is in full pout mode.

  “How about I take you both to Lily and Sebastian’s and then Annie or Sacha can take Celine shopping? I know they are both home right now helping to get everything ready for tonight.”

  Celine does not look happy but Dad does. That’s all I need. I pay the bill and make a discree
t phone call to Hannah.

  “Hey, babe. Everything’s fine. Dad wants to take a nap but Celine wants to shop. Do you think Sacha or Annie will take her?”

  “I don’t know, Diel. That’s asking a lot. I hate to make the girls feel they have to do that.”

  “I’ll give them a huge Christmas bonus if they do, tell them. Then I can come and help at the mission.”

  “I’ll call the girls and then call you back. I’d love to see you. What about the twins?”

  “I’ll bring them with me. They’ve been great all day. They’ll probably take a nap on the way home.”

  “Good, I’ll call you back. Love you.”

  “Love you too, babe. Ciao.”

  “Bye, babe.”

  I walk back into the restaurant and find Finn climbing up my dad while Fiona has a big cookie in her mouth. I sigh internally and prepare to wash their fingers and faces. A nap would be good. I’ll have to leave it to dad, though.

  “Hey Dad, let’s get these kids wrangled and head home. Hannah is calling the girls about shopping and she’ll call me back.” I reach for the wipes in the diaper bag and start to clean sticky fingers. “We’ll drive over the Golden Gate on the way home.”

  “I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open.” He chuckles and hands me Finn. Celine looks disgusted at my son’s messy face. Finn reaches for her and she shrieks and jumps back. I have to hide my laugh but Dad lets his loose. If looks could kill, Dad would be dead. Celine holds nothing back.

  “Ce-Ce, honey, when our little bun in the oven is born you’ll have to get used to messes.”

  “That’s what nannies are for, pooksie.”

  “Surely you want to take an active role in your child’s upbringing?” I ask her.

  “No, not really.” Dad frowns. “I mean of course I’ll love it,” she says backtracking.