No One But You

by Catherine Maiorisis

  She sipped her bourbon and thought about the relationship. The friend who introduced them had said Micki was a player who loved the chase. Lily had initially been cool to the idea of dating her, but Micki had been persistent and she was flattered. Once they were seeing each other, she’d suspected Micki was also seeing women in New York, but she never confronted her. She chose, instead, to believe Micki’s professions of love and desire to commit for a lifetime. Her mamas’ coolness toward Micki should have alerted her.

  Micki’s parting comment, about the Southern princess feeling anger, offended her. Of course she felt anger. She was angry at the church, wasn’t she? She sipped. And she was always angry when Micki called her “tubby,” then said she was only kidding. So what if she never expressed it? She hated the shouting and distorted faces and the threat of violence. Nothing wrong with keeping the peace. But her anger had passed. Now she felt sad and abandoned, but mostly she felt embarrassed. How could she ever leave the apartment? How could she ever face Lewis and the other doormen? It was probably a good thing that the only New Yorker in her life now was Annie. Annie wouldn’t judge her.

  She glanced around. Micki had not only removed all of her furniture, but also some of the new pieces they’d purchased together. Lucky for her, Micki had deferred to her taste in decorating the apartment, or she’d probably be sitting on the floor, surrounded by echoes.

  She sniffed and dried her tears. In the short time she’d been here, she’d grown to love this apartment and this vibrant city. She could write anywhere, and there was nothing to draw her back to Chicago. So she’d stay as planned. Being in the same city as her agent and editors was a plus. Speaking of agents, she wondered what Irene had thought of today’s fiasco. She giggled. Her agent believed pain and suffering was grist for the writing mill, so she was probably doing fist pumps right about now.

  More to the point, what was she feeling? Was she in shock?

  She dug deep, trying to get in touch with her feelings. Hurt. Sad. Teary. Sorry for herself. And mortified at having been so publicly rejected. But mostly she was upset that she’d ignored her doubts and hadn’t trusted her feeling of unease about Micki. She would have to think about why she’d let that happen. But she didn’t feel devastated about losing Micki. She felt…

  She stared out the window puzzling over her feelings. Did she really feel relieved? She swirled the expensive bourbon in her glass. Relieved. That’s interesting.

  Chapter Two

  December–Robin

  Robin stared at the high-powered businesswoman in her sophisticated suit weeping across the table from her and wondered how they’d come to this point. She knew she’d been clear up front. She always was, but somehow it often ended this way with accusations, tears and pain. The very things she dreaded.

  “I’m sorry, Gina. I told you on our first date that I’m into having a good time, not commitment. And you said that’s what you wanted as well.” She handed her handkerchief to Gina and signaled the waiter for the check. This was too intense. It took all her resolve to stay and deal with the woman.

  Gina dabbed at her eyes, obviously trying to salvage her eye makeup. “I didn’t plan on falling in love.” Gina blew her nose and glanced at the nearby tables. “This is embarrassing. I’m not usually the one groveling, but won’t you give our relationship a chance?”

  “I don’t do relationships. I’m sorry.” She hated this, hurting women, reducing them to begging. She hated feeling their pain. From now on, no more than three dates with anyone unless she sensed the woman was uninvolved. She gripped the table to keep from bolting, but she was desperate to get away. She pulled her phone out. “I’m texting Tanya to bring the car around. She’ll take you home.”

  “What about the Christmas party?”

  Robin signed the check. “I’m sorry, I’m not feeling very jolly at the moment.” Her phone vibrated. “Tanya is out front. Let’s go.”

  She retrieved their coats and helped Gina into hers. She dried Gina’s tears, then handed her into the car. Her eyes met Tanya’s in the rearview mirror. “Please see Ms. Gordon home, Tanya.”

  Gina grabbed her arm. “Aren’t you coming?”

  “I need to walk. And it’s better if we don’t see each other again, Gina. I’m really sorry that I hurt you.” She pulled away and as she closed the door, Gina burst into tears again. Robin watched the car drive into traffic, then blew out her breath, tucked her hands in her coat pockets, and started walking.

  Two hours later she found herself in front of Katie’s brownstone in Greenwich Village. She wasn’t surprised. Katie was her rock and she gravitated toward her whenever she felt needy. She rang the bell and smiled when Katie appeared looking like…oops, like she’d just had sex. “Sorry…am I interrupting anything?”

  Katie yawned. “Just postcoital snuggling.” She eyed Robin. “What’s wrong?” She pulled her into the house. “Let me tell Michael you’re here, then we can talk.”

  Robin could hear the murmur of voices from the bedroom as she paced in the living room. Not for the first time, she blessed Michael for understanding her relationship with Katie and accepting it. Most men would be jealous.

  The television went on in the bedroom. Katie joined her, taking her hand and pulling her down on to the sofa. “Okay, spill. Why do you look like you just lost your last friend?”

  Robin rubbed her hand over her face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

  Katie grabbed Robin’s other hand and pulled her so they were facing each other. “C’mon, Robin, you know you’re my priority.”

  “And Michael?”

  “He knows the score. I told him up front and he’s cool with it.”

  “So how come you told him the rules, and he understands and plays by them, yet when I tell women I’m not interested in a relationship, that I’m not into commitment, that I only want to have fun, they nod and smile, then ignore me?”

  “Gina?”

  “Yeah. We had a big scene at the restaurant tonight. God, Katie, I hate hurting people. I feel so bad.” She swiped at the tears. “I don’t know how I can be any clearer.”

  Katie pulled her into a hug. “The problem, Rob, is that besides being beautiful inside and out, you are intelligent and witty and playful. Oh, and rich. And though they don’t know it, soon to be even richer. How can any woman resist falling for you?”

  “You did.”

  “Well, other than the fact that I’m a paragon of strength, I’m also straight, and though I love you, our relationship is different. Maybe if I met you today in all your splendid glory, I would succumb. But I’m not the issue, am I?”

  Robin kissed her cheek. “No. But you are the most important woman in my life, and I need you to help me figure out how to deal with this stuff.”

  “Do you ever think about settling down, Rob?”

  “Occasionally. I sometimes fantasize about falling in love and having a relationship like you and Michael, but I haven’t met anyone I want to be with forever.”

  “Maybe you’re looking in the wrong places, dating women who live off their looks like models and starlets, and business executives like Gina who are attracted to your power and money. You need someone with more depth, someone who could match your intelligence and humor and playfulness, someone not interested in your financial statements.”

  “You’re the only one I know who fits that description.”

  She patted Robin’s cheek. “As unique and wonderful as I am, I’ll bet there’s at least one other out there. Let’s keep our eyes open.”

  “I’ve decided I’m not going out with anyone more than three times unless I’m sure they’re not interested in a relationship. What do you think?”

  “It’ll solve your immediate problem, but it makes me sad. You deserve so much more, Robin. Do you believe you deserve to love and be loved in a forever way?”

  Robin stood and pulled Katie up into a hug. “Thanks. Now go back and snuggle. Give Michael a kiss for me.” She hoped Katie didn’t notice
she hadn’t answered the question.

  Katie leaned back and glared at her. “Gee, and I thought I just asked whether you deserve a forever relationship?”

  She should have known. Katie never missed a thing where she was concerned. She shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”

  Katie squeezed her and kissed her temple. “You’re sad. What can I do?”

  “What you’ve always done, O Paragon. Let me cry on your shoulder, give me some loving, show me there’s hope, and always be here for me.” She turned to the door. “See you in the office tomorrow.”

  As she walked for another hour in the cold to reach her apartment in Battery Park City, Robin considered the question. Did she deserve to love and be loved forever? She wasn’t sure. She wasn’t even sure that was what she wanted. In fact, she spent a lot of time running from women who wanted that with her. Nearing her building, she was brought up short by a sudden realization that she was totally passive when it came to dating. She met the women she dated at various business or gay and lesbian events, and they sought her out. Never the other way around. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d met someone who interested her enough to make her want to pursue her. Maybe in graduate school?

  She leaned on the railing and stared out at the Hudson River. If she’d been as passive in her business life as she was in her love life, she’d probably be working as a typist someplace rather than running a multibillion-dollar business. Maybe Katie was wrong about her looking in the wrong places. Maybe the problem was she wasn’t looking.

  Chapter Three

  March–Lily

  “I know it’s been three months, Mama, but I’m really not in the mood to date.” She listened. “Uh-huh. Yes, of course I have time to speak to Cordy.” She held a finger up, letting Annie know she would be another minute. “Hey, Mama. You didn’t call to gang up on me, did you?”

  She rolled her eyes. “No, Mama. As I told Del, I’ll know when I feel like dating.” She listened again. “No, I’m not wasting time grieving for that fickle female fucker, and yes, I’m feeling better every day. In fact, Annie and I were just discussing going out for dinner and dancing later.” She held the phone away from her ear, laughing. “Tell Del I got the message, no need to yell in the background. I promise I’ll think about dating. Love and kisses to you both.”

  She smiled at Annie. “Sorry, Annie, they call me at least once a week and, as you heard, Del is pushing me to start dating. They send their regards.”

  “Your mamas are wonderful. And inspiring. I hope someday you and I will find relationships like theirs.” Annie meant it, Lily knew. She’d told Lily that she hadn’t liked Micki much but had tolerated her because she was the best friend of Tina, her girlfriend. Who became her ex-girlfriend after Tina had confessed she knew the night before the wedding that Micki wasn’t going to show and had even helped her move out. Annie had broken up with her in disgust, not wanting to have anything to do with someone who could be so cruel and casual about hurting another human being. Lily was the kind of person she wanted in her life, she’d declared, and they’d become best friends.

  “Don’t we all.” Lily ran her fingers through her hair. “They complement each other. Del is all emotion and fire while Cordy is analytic and cool except for her passions—mathematics, music and her family. They believe love and marriage are forever, even though they weren’t legally married until last year.” Her gaze went inward.

  Annie frowned. “Why do you suddenly look so pensive? Did talking about your mamas upset you?”

  Lily pulled at the lock of hair that she couldn’t keep out of her eyes. “No. Yes, I guess. It just hit me. I never once thought Micki and I would have the kind of relationship they have. It’s what I want for myself yet…I need to think about that. Sorry for disappearing.”

  “As long as you’re not avoiding going out. Shazarak, the new place on Third and Eighty-ninth, combines fine dining in the front room with an active bar and a big dance floor in the back. They bring in a DJ at eleven. We could eat, then hang out and dance for a while.” Annie held her eyes. “You do have to start to socialize sometime, Lily. If you’re not comfortable, we can leave.”

  “Do you think Micki will be there?” She dreaded running into the woman who had publicly shamed her and had not made even a small gesture toward making amends. “It sounds like a perfect place for sexual conquest.”

  Annie ran her fingers through her newly cropped hair. “What the hell, better you hear it from me. Actually, she’s spending a lot of time in Denver now. She just got engaged. Again.”

  Lily’s face flamed. “She what? That bitch. I’ll bet she was dating her while we were making wedding plans.” She collapsed into a chair and bent over, her shoulders trembling. From under the cascade of her hair she saw the concern on Annie’s face and realized Annie thought she was crying. She looked up, her face contorted with the laughter now bubbling out from deep inside her, loud and raunchy. Annie stared, confused, and then she convulsed too. Belly laughter can be contagious after all. It seemed like they would never stop, but finally, gasping for air, they smiled at each other. “Are you okay, Lily?”

  “Actually, I am. It suddenly struck me funny that I’m so happy she jilted me. Otherwise I’d have wasted years dealing with her sleeping around. Thanks for telling me. You think I should try to warn the new woman?”

  Annie shook her head. “If I know Micki, her version of the story makes her the victim. The best way to get revenge is to forget her, get on with your life.”

  “You are so right.” She thought about the discussion with her mamas and her last phone call with her agent, Irene. Everyone was pushing her to date. Well, she didn’t know about dating, but she was definitely in the mood for dancing and fun. She’d just be clear with anybody she met that she was looking for fun, not commitment. She no longer trusted herself to read the signals, her own or another woman’s, and she doubted she’d ever be able to commit again. Lily stood. “Let’s do it. But if you meet someone you want to hang out with, don’t worry about me. Depending on how I’m feeling, I’ll stay or come home.”

  * * *

  Shazarak had delicious food and attentive service. Best of all was the short stroll to the active bar and great dance music. Lily moved with the beat as they made their way through the crowd of mostly women to the bar. She leaned over to speak into Annie’s ear. “Do you want a sauvignon blanc? I’m buying the first round to reward you for bringing me to this wonderful place.” Annie nodded.

  When Lily turned back from the bar with Annie’s white and her red, Annie was already dancing. A minute later, a short crew-cut butch wearing a black suit and a red and black plaid bow tie bowed and held her hand out. Lily put the two glasses of wine on the bar and allowed the woman to lead her onto the dance floor. Three dances later she excused herself and joined Annie at the bar. Miraculously their drinks were still there. As she sipped her cabernet, Lily eyed a shapely woman in a red dress, a good dancer who laughed a lot and danced every dance. Just what she was looking for tonight. Here goes. She downed her wine, put the empty glass on the bar, and went to claim her on the dance floor. The woman in red grinned, waved bye to her partner, and moved in concert with Lily. The next dance was a slow one, and they moved together. “Hi, I’m Lily. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

  “Toni. And, no, she’s a friend. So what brings you here tonight?”

  “Dinner and dancing. I’m looking to dance all night and go home alone.”

  Toni nodded. “Not looking to get laid?”

  “No. So I’ll understand if you want to move on.”

  “Is there any chance I could change your mind? I have some pretty good moves.” She wriggled her rear and pulled Lily closer.

  “That feels real nice, but I’m a recovering almost-bride. So I’m just looking to dance tonight.”

  “I appreciate the heads up. How about we dance until I spot somebody who looks more amenable to what I have planned for later.”

  Lily laughed. “So
unds good.”

  They moved really well together, and Lily was sorry when Toni danced her to the bar and kissed her cheek. “Thanks, Lily. Maybe another time.”

  She turned to order a drink and found herself face to face with a blond butch.

  “Hey, lovely lady. Buy you a drink?”

  “Sure. But, um, I’m just here to dance and have fun tonight. Nothing later.”

  “Thanks for telling me up front, easier on the ego later.” The butch smiled. “Dancing and fun sounds good to me. I’m Frankie, by the way.”

  “Well, Frankie, I’d love a drink.” As Frankie placed their order, Lily checked the dance floor. It looked like Annie had hooked up. She was going at it hot and heavy.

  Lily and Frankie talked and flirted. It was her first experience with a fast-talking, sophisticated New York lesbian other than Micki, and she was pleased to find she was able to hold her own. They danced almost every dance, and it felt good to lose herself in the music. After a couple of hours, Annie left with the woman she’d met. Frankie claimed an early meeting and left soon after. Lily was not alone for long. An hour before closing, she leaned on the bar waiting for another glass of seltzer. She’d had two glasses of cabernet early in the evening, then switched. If she was sober when she got home in the wee hours, she could sleep late and still get in some work time, but if she got high, she’d be too fuzzy-minded tomorrow to write. She was thinking of leaving when a very warm body pressed her from behind and arms wrapped around her waist.

  “I recognize that perfume. So, Ms. Red Dress, you couldn’t score tonight?”

  Toni spoke softly in her ear. “No one was as sexy as you, so I waited hoping you missed me enough to change your mind about—”