No One But You

by Catherine Maiorisis

  Lily clutched Robin’s hand to her heart. Robin was pale, probably as terrified as she was, but her steady presence was comforting.

  Nicole was waiting at the emergency entrance when the ambulance arrived at the hospital. She rushed Lily to a delivery room and had her hooked up to a monitor as she was examining her.

  “Your contractions are coming every two minutes, and I see the top of the head of a very aggressive baby trying to escape, so we’re going to have to prep you for delivery. It’s earlier than any of us would like, but I’ll do my best.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Someone help Robin scrub in.” She turned to the staff of nurses waiting for orders. “Let’s get Lily prepped.” She hugged Robin and moved her to the door. “You couldn’t be in a better place for this kind of birth.” She closed the door behind Robin and walked back to Lily. “How are you doing¸ Lily?”

  She grunted in pain. “Worried about Jess and Robin. Will Jess survive, Nicole?”

  Nicole sat on the bed, took Lily’s hand, then used a gauze pad to dab at the sweat running down her face. “I’m not God, Lily, so no guarantees. But you know I’ll do everything possible to help Jess survive and grow into a healthy baby.” She hugged Lily and kissed her cheek. “The rest will be up to Jess. But if he or she is anything like Rob, I believe we’ll have a happy ending.” Nicole stood. “I need to wash up, then we’ll welcome baby Jess.” At the door, she turned. “Oh, Lily, because Jess is so early everyone in the room including you and Robin will be wearing masks, hair covering, gowns and gloves to protect her. And, just a reminder, since this is a teaching hospital there will be several residents observing and assisting.”

  The nurses took care of covering Lily. When Robin entered Lily recognized her worried green eyes above the mask and reached for her hand as she sat in the chair near her head.

  “I called the mamas, Annie and Katie to let them know what’s happening. They’re all coming to the hospital as soon as they can get dressed. I figured I could call everyone else later.”

  “Thank you, sweet Robin. I’m glad you’ll have some support when we’re done.”

  Robin kissed her knuckles. “Okay, breathe.” She started the routine they’d learned in their birthing class.

  When Nicole entered, all conversation ceased and everyone focused on her. She smiled at Lily and Robin. “Ready?”

  Lily met Nicole’s eyes over the masks they were both wearing and took a deep breath. “When you are.” She was anxious to start so she could know the ending.

  “Okay. Just so you know. Jess is arriving so early that he or she will be extremely small and unable to regulate his or her body temperature. Once I clamp and cut the umbilical cord you’re going to see us moving very quickly. Within five seconds of removing him or her from your uterus, we will wrap Jess’s body in plastic wrap, connect a pulse oximeter and place him or her immediately on the radiant warmer,” she pointed, “over there. We’ll do a quick exam then remove him or her to the NICU, that’s the neonatal intensive care unit. As long as Jess’s heart rate is good, we’re good.” She moved toward Lily’s feet and sat on a stool between Lily’s legs. “I’m sorry, my friends, but Jess will be too small for you to hold.”

  Lily swallowed. “Don’t worry about us. Do what you need to do for Jess.”

  Robin stood. “Wait, Nicole. Why the oximeter and the plastic wrap?”

  “The oximeter measures the oxygen level in the blood and helps us determine the correct amount of oxygen to administer. The plastic wrap conducts heat and allows radiant heat from the warmer to cross through, but it stops evaporative temperature losses.”

  Robin nodded.

  “Remember we’ll be moving fast so stay out of our way, Rob. Once Jess is born I’ll stay with him or her and Dr. Radswill,” the younger woman standing next to Nicole raised her hand, “will finish up with you, Lily.” Nicole moved in front of the screen. “Do you want to cut the cord, Robin?”

  Lily squeezed her hand. “Go, Dad.”

  Robin smiled. “Of course.” She handed her camera to one of the residents.

  “So stand right at the screen and be ready to move fast. Someone hand Robin the scissors and, when we’re ready, show her where to cut.” She waited for Robin to move into place. “And Sandy, stand behind me on the right so we can be sure you get good pictures of Jess’s debut.”

  “Okay, Lily, push. Hold it. Relax.” She placed her hands to catch the baby. “Push again. Keep pushing. That’s it. Relax.” She lifted her head to smile at Lily and Robin over the drape. “You’re doing great. Jess definitely takes after you, Rob. He or she is in a big hurry to get here. It won’t be long now. Another push or two should do it. That’s it, that’s it, keep pushing.” Nicole’s excitement encouraged Lily to push harder. “I have a…girl. Jess is a girl. Quick suction the mucus.” A whimper followed rather than the lusty cry they’d expected.

  “Clamping.”

  A nurse pushed Robin forward and showed her where to put the scissors. The intern quickly snapped pictures as she cut. Nicole elbowed Robin out of the way. “Good work, Rob. And here we go.”

  As Nicole had described, she and the nurses moved quickly to the warming table. Lily couldn’t see from her position, but Robin moaned. “Shit.” She backed away, looking like she wanted to throw up.

  Nicole glanced at Robin. “Don’t get nervous, Rob. She’s not fully developed yet. She’ll do the rest of her growing in the incubator, which is where we’re taking her now. See you both later.”

  Robin was vibrating. Lily grabbed her hand and pulled her close. “Calm down, love.”

  Robin sat in the chair. She was pale. They were alone except for Dr. Radswill and a nurse. Everyone else had followed Nicole to the NICU with Jess. She crushed Lily’s hand. “Did you see her?”

  “No. What did she—?”

  Her eyes were wide. “I’ve never…I didn’t expect…she doesn’t look human. She’s no bigger than my hand,” she held her hand out, “and covered with black fur. She looks battered. Her head is big and her arms and legs spindly, like a large spider or a crab or an alien with translucent skin that shows all her veins and arteries.”

  “Don’t worry. That’s normal for a baby born so early.” Dr. Radswill looked up from dealing with the after-birth. “It will be a while before she looks like a typical newborn.” Her smile was reassuring. “I’m almost finished here, then we’ll take you to your room.”

  When the nurse came in, Lily asked how Jess was doing. “I don’t have any details. Dr. Summerfield will talk to you both later, but I can tell you she’s one pound three ounces.”

  As they rolled down the hall, she could see mothers holding their newborns on their chests in some rooms and at their breasts in others. She quickly dried the tears in her eyes when they turned into her room.

  When they were alone, Robin took her hand and stroked her hair. “She’s horrible, Lily. I know it’s an awful thing to say, but I feel like I could throw up. What should we tell everyone?”

  She took Robin’s face between her hands and turned so they were looking at each other. “You heard the doctor. It’s normal for premature babies to look like Jess. You tell everyone she’s almost four months premature and not fully developed, so she’s in the NICU getting the best possible care. Ask everyone to pray she makes it. Can you do that?”

  “Yes.”

  “So kiss me and go talk to my mamas.”

  Lily was dozing when Robin returned with the mamas and Katie and Annie. The visitors were encouraging, but she could see that Robin was really working at being positive, so she claimed exhaustion and asked if she and Robin could be left alone. Her mamas kissed her, promised to return tomorrow, and asked Robin to walk out with them. Annie gave her a hug and followed.

  Katie hugged her, then plucked a tissue out of the box on the bed and dried Lily’s tears. “I’m so sorry, honey. You know Nicole will do everything possible. If she’s anything like her biological mother, Jess will fight hard to thrive and grow in the NICU, but
the next few months will be hard for all three of you. You and Robin need to take care of each other.”

  Lily couldn’t keep the tears from spilling. “Robin is freaked because Jess doesn’t look human.”

  “I’ll do my best to be there for her, but you know as well as I do she goes into lockdown when she’s scared. Maybe between the two of us…” She kissed Lily’s forehead. “Try to rest and let us know if you need anything. I’m sure Jan will come by in the morning, and I know Michael will want to see you both, but I’ll hold him off a day or so.”

  A few minutes after Katie left, Robin came in looking like she was carrying the world on her shoulders. “Nicole will be in shortly to talk to us.”

  “Get on the bed with me, sweet Robin. Hold me.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The Premature Baby

  They were kissing when Nicole arrived with her usual entourage of residents and fellows. She rapped on the door. “Hey, you two, no sex in the hospital.”

  They separated like two teenagers caught necking. Lily blushed. “Are you sure?”

  Nicole smiled. “I’ll check the rules, but I’m almost certain.” Her smile drifted away. “In any case, we need to talk about Jess.”

  Robin sat up. “Is this when we get the bad news?” Her voice was taut, filled with as much anger as she ever let herself express.

  “Not news, my friend.” Nicole moved close to the bed, placed one hand on Robin’s shoulder, and grasped Robin’s hand with the other. “Information, so you know what to expect going forward.”

  Lily grasped Robin’s other hand.

  “We never know for sure, of course, but we’ve made so many advances in caring for low-birth-weight babies that there’s at least a forty percent chance Jess will survive. The good news is that, as a rule girls do better than boys and single births like Jess do better than multiple births.”

  “She’s just over a pound. If she survives, will she live or will she just exist?” The underlying anger was still there in Robin’s voice.

  “Unfortunately, we can’t predict a good or bad outcome based on the length of time in the womb. However, at only twenty-four weeks and five days gestation, Jess was born before she was physically ready to leave the womb and most of her body’s systems are underdeveloped. If she survives, she’s at risk for serious disabilities such as cerebral palsy and she may be blind, deaf, mentally impaired and/or have other life-long health problems. We have her on respiratory support and since the coordination she needs to suck and swallow won’t kick in for another eight to ten weeks, we’ve inserted a feeding tube through which we’ll feed her Lily’s milk to give her an extra immune-system boost.” She focused on Lily. “If you’re willing to pump, we’ll need you to start right away so we have a supply of breast milk. If you’re not willing, we’ll feed her a special formula.”

  “Of course I’ll pump.”

  “Also, the combination of a lack of body fat and a larger skin-to-body-weight ratio means Jess is susceptible to hypothermia, which is why we immediately wrapped her in plastic wrap and placed her on the warmer. We’ll keep her in a warming device in the NICU until she can regulate her temperature on her own. I’m so sorry, but this means you won’t be able to hold her yet.”

  They clung to each other. Lily took a deep breath. “Is it a foregone conclusion that she’ll be impaired in some way?”

  “Some babies come through it with no problems. There are even a couple born much earlier who survived without long-term issues. We’ll have to wait and see.”

  “Why is she covered in fur?”

  Nicole smiled. “That’s not fur, Rob. It’s fine hair, called lanugo. It’s usually shed before a full-term birth. It will disappear by itself. ”

  “When you see her later in the NICU, she’ll be connected to various machines and IVs, but that’s all standard for a premature baby. She’ll be closely monitored, but right now her heart is good and we see no problems.”

  “What can we do besides pumping?”

  “Jess is likely to be in the NICU for three or four months while her body continues to develop as if she were in the womb. Although you can’t hold her initially, you’ll be able to spend as much time with her as you want, talking or reading to her. Some parents sing.” She squeezed Robin’s shoulder. “I suggest you leave the singing to Lily.”

  Robin glared at her, then her shoulders relaxed. “You’re right.”

  “You’ll be able to touch Jess in the incubator, and once she can regulate her own body temperature you can do what we call ‘kangaroo care,’ which is holding the baby skin-to-skin for an hour or two. The next few months will be grueling and stressful, and it’s just as important you take care of each other as be here for Jess.”

  Lily rested her head on Robin’s shoulder. “When can I see her?”

  “As soon as you’re able to walk to the NICU. Rest up for a bit, then see how you feel.” She looked directly at both her friends. “I’m sorry I can’t give you a definitive answer about Jess’s future, but as I’ve said, anything that can be done will be done. We’ll be seeing a lot of each other in the next few weeks, but now I have to catch a couple of hours of sleep before rounds.” She kissed their cheeks, hugged Robin, then left with her entourage.

  They sat in silence for a while. “We can do this, Robin. She’s your daughter, she’s strong, she’ll make it.”

  “I’m sorry I was such a wimp earlier, but seeing her like that was a shock. She’s ours, Lily, and though I want her to be okay, we’ll love her no matter the problems.”

  Lily smiled. “I never thought I’d be happy to be married to a billionaire. We’ll be able to take care of her, whatever her needs. Take me to see her, Robin.”

  “Nicole said to rest for a few hours. Are you sure you’re up to it?”

  “I won’t rest until I’ve seen her. What if something happens to her before I…”

  “Okay.”

  Lily swiped at her eyes. “Sorry, I guess I’m emotional. Give me a hand getting up, I’m a little sore.”

  They asked the nurse for directions, and arm and arm they headed down the hall, Robin slowing her pace and supporting Lily. When they reached the double doors, they rang the bell and waited. A nurse opened the door, checked their wristbands and escorted them in. The bubbling, bleeping, binging from all the equipment, the crying of the babies and the bustle of the conversations of parents, nurses, doctors and other medical staff moving around the room hit them like a bucket of cold water. It was far from the hushed atmosphere they’d anticipated.

  “The first time is always a shock. You’ll get used to it. Come this way so I can get you into gowns and show you how to scrub in.” The nurse smiled. “I’m Connie, by the way.”

  After a lesson on how to scrub their hands and arms for a full three minutes, they put on the gowns and the nurse led them through the room, explaining what they were seeing. “Once babies are stabilized, they’re transferred to one of these large plexiglass boxes, called isolettes or incubators, to protect them from temperature fluctuations in the room.”

  As they walked, Lily realized Jess was not the only baby needing help. There was box after box with babies so tiny they looked like they couldn’t possibly be real, and every one of them was hooked up to machines with wires and tubes and IVs. Some of the incubators were decorated and all of them had blankets draped over the top. “Who decorated these? And why are they covered?”

  “As the babies become more aware, some families decorate, others don’t. We cover them to protect their eyes from the lights.”

  At last they reached a box that said Jess DiLuca, Lily swayed but couldn’t take her eyes off this tiny creature that was her daughter. Robin’s arms tightened around her. No wonder Robin was freaked out. Connected to machines and monitors, their fragile girl looked like a tiny animal in a laboratory experiment. As Robin had described, her veins showed through translucent skin. She really could pass for an alien or a spider with her long legs and arms. Maybe she would be tall
, like Robin. Her eyes were sealed and the hair did look like fur.

  “Jess,” she whispered, “your mamas are here. Everything is going to be all right, baby girl. You concentrate on growing. We’ll do the worrying.”

  Robin helped Lily into the chair the nurse brought over. She pointed to the isolette. “What are those two holes for?”

  “That’s so we can reach the babies for treatments and diaper changes and whatever we need to do to them. If we need total access to the baby, we can unhinge that wall.” She indicated the far wall of Jess’s isolette. “You know you can’t hold her yet, right?”

  Lily nodded. “How long before we can?”

  “That’s up to her, but it will happen. Until then, get a small soft toy and sleep with it a few nights, then we’ll put it in the isolette with her to familiarize her with your smell. Your husband can do the same.”

  “Wife, not husband. Robin is her other mother.”

  She smiled at Robin. “You too, then. It will comfort her. And while you’re here talk to her or if you’re so inclined sing, but no belting allowed.” She grinned.

  “Can we touch her?”

  “Yes. Let me show you how. Place your hands like this and use a firm touch. Her skin is very thin, so don’t rub, it will hurt.”

  Lily put her hand through the portal and placed it on Jess’s tiny legs. She felt a surge of love followed by a flash of terror as the reality of her fragility hit home. This was her daughter. She’d lived in her body more than five months and she would love her no matter what, if only she lived. A sob escaped. Robin put her arms around her.

  “It’s hard, I know,” the nurse said. “I’m sure your dreams about having her didn’t include any of this,” she waved a hand at the NICU, “but we’re going to do our best for her and hopefully in a few months, she’ll be at home with her two moms. Come, Robin, touch her like this.” She guided Robin’s hands into the box, then withdrew hers. “Some babies like to be rocked.” She showed them how to gently rock the incubator. “Stop if she cries or seems uncomfortable. You can stay as long as you like, but remember, you’re here for the long haul so get some rest.”