No One But You

by Catherine Maiorisis

  “But—”

  Olivia put her hand up. “Let me finish, please. If I remember correctly, you came into therapy to deal with a problem that involved your daughter Jess. Yet you’ve managed to avoid even mentioning her name.”

  Robin paled.

  Olivia studied her. “I know I said I would let you lead, but I feel you’re wasting your time and money and my time by avoiding the problem you said you wanted help with, that Jess was keeping you from Lily. You’ve mentioned Lily, but it seems to me that Jess is the elephant in the room. She’s just a year old. Why are you so afraid of her?”

  Robin tried to hold back the tears, but they flowed. She doubled over in her chair and covered her face with her hands as she sobbed. It was more than fifteen minutes before she looked up, embarrassed.

  Her faced filled with compassion, Olivia was watching but she didn’t speak.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” She glanced at her watch.

  Olivia smiled gently. “I have no doubt you didn’t mean to do it. Don’t worry about the time. I felt it was important to confront you today, so I’ve left the next session free in case you want to begin to delve into Jess today. If you don’t, we can stop at our usual time.”

  Robin’s instinct was to run, to get away from Olivia, but her gut told her it was now or never. She took a few deep breaths. “I’d like to stay and talk about Jess.”

  Olivia nodded. “Good. Clearly, you’re really troubled by her.”

  “I don’t know if I told you, but Jess was almost four months premature and I freaked when I saw her. She only weighed a pound and three ounces and she didn’t look human. My friend Nicole, the neonatal specialist who delivered her, reassured me she was normal for a baby born so early. It took me a couple of days, but I got past the shock and, with Lily’s help, started to see her as our little girl. We knew she might die, we knew if she survived she might have serious mental and physical problems, but she was our daughter and we would love her and take care of her.”

  She rubbed her forehead. “I’m not sure exactly when it started, but one night I had this dream, nightmare really, that I…” She started to hyperventilate.

  “Hold your breath for a second, Robin, then take a deep breath through your nose, fill your belly and let the air out slowly through your closed lips. Do it until you feel in control.” She watched Robin follow her instructions and relax. “Can you continue or do you want to stop?”

  “I want to get it out.” She took another deep breath. “I dreamed I picked up the baby by her feet and smashed her head on the incubator.” Tears streamed down her face. “It scared me, and I thought it would upset Lily so I didn’t say anything. But after that night, anytime I closed my eyes, I had some version of the dream. Sometimes it was a table, sometimes the wall, sometimes the floor, but always I held her by her feet and swung her and smashed her head. Her brains splashed over me. After a while, the nightmare included Lily in the room watching me and after I smashed the baby, I said, ‘It’s your fault’ and I put a gun in my mouth and killed myself.” She began sobbing again.

  “Did you tell Lily or Katie or anyone?”

  “No, because by then it was no longer just a nightmare. Anytime I was near Jess I saw myself grabbing her feet and smashing her head. I wanted to kill my own daughter in the most horrendous manner. How could I tell anyone?” Her voice was anguished; the pain slashed through her gut, the sobs racked her body.

  Olivia’s voice was gentle. “I’m honored that you trust me enough to share this, Robin. I understand how painful it is to admit to these feelings, but I want to remind you that they are just feelings, that you removed yourself from the situation before you could do any harm. Talking about it is the first step to changing. You’ve done good work today. It’s probably best if you don’t talk about it outside this room for now, but I suggest that you spend the evening with someone you trust, someone who makes you feel safe. Who would that be?”

  “Katie.” Robin thought for a second or two. “No, Michael is away. I can’t be around baby Mikie. Emma and Annie feel safer.”

  “Call and arrange to have dinner with them and, if possible, sleep at their place. Are you still having these nightmares or the fantasy?”

  “Not for a few months.”

  “You’ve gotten into something very deep this afternoon. I’d like to schedule another extra session tomorrow morning. I’m booked from eight in the morning until about nine tomorrow evening but I could meet you at seven a.m. before I start my day, if you’re willing.”

  “I’d like that.”

  “The nightmare might return tonight, so be sure you’re in a place you feel safe.” Olivia stood. “I know you have trouble asking for help, but call me, day or night, if you need me.”

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Robin Therapy 3

  Ever since that pivotal session two months ago, Robin had been working hard to figure out what had triggered the nightmare and the fantasy with no luck. Olivia didn’t think it had come out of nowhere, but so far they hadn’t been able to get to the source.

  Robin was excited today. She felt she’d had a sort of breakthrough and brought two lattes to this afternoon’s session. Before she sat, she handed one to Olivia. “I hope you like lattes?”

  “I do, but what’s the occasion?” Olivia sipped, then smiled.

  “I dreamed about my mother last night. It’s strange, because I don’t have any memories of her and I don’t remember if I’ve ever seen a picture of her. I didn’t really get a good look at her in the dream, but it was her.”

  “Tell me the dream.”

  “We were alone in a house which could have been our real house, but I’m not sure, and she was angry at me for something. I was afraid of her. She was cooking and I was sitting on a stool or steps watching her when she pointed this big knife at me and said, ‘You can’t be my daughter, you’re not a real girl,’ then she came toward me waving the knife and I ran up the stairs and hid…in a closet, I think, and waited for her to come for me. Then I woke up.”

  “What did you feel in the dream?”

  Robin stared out the window. “I was afraid, but I wasn’t terrified. It felt familiar.”

  “How old were you?”

  She closed her eyes. “Four or five maybe.”

  “Have you ever dreamed about her before?”

  “Not that I remember. Maybe the work we’ve been doing trying to get me to remember my childhood brought it up.”

  Olivia was silent, and Robin could see her thinking through something. In their four months working together she’d learned to wait until Olivia formed her thought.

  “I have a couple of ideas that I think will help your therapy, Robin. I hope you’re open to them, though they may be scary.” She met Robin’s eyes.

  “I’m listening.”

  “First, I think it’s time you visited your family to learn more about your childhood, about how your mother died, maybe get some pictures to jog your memories. What do you think?”

  She’d never considered this. Really, it was as if they were dead. In fact, they were dead to her and, she imagined, she was dead to them. “What if they won’t see me?”

  “I can see why you’d think your dad wouldn’t want to see you, but why would your brothers object?”

  She shrugged. “I guess because they’ve never tried to contact me.”

  “Have you tried to contact them? And do they even know where you are?”

  “It’s really scary. Suppose I find out something I don’t want to know, like maybe I killed my mother or something like that?”

  “If you know, you can deal with it. But I don’t want to convince you. It’s just a suggestion. Think about it.”

  “Could I bring Katie with me?”

  “That would be up to you.”

  “All right, I’ll do it. What’s the other thing?”

  “Would you consider volunteering in the children’s ward of a hospital? It would give you the opportunity to gauge yo
ur reaction to children, some with serious mental and physical problems, and put to rest your fears about being around Jess. Or if you have a problem, we’ll know there’s more work to be done. I’ve spoken to a friend who works at the hospital, and she’s willing to introduce you and keep an eye on you in the beginning to be sure you’re okay.”

  “Do you think it’s safe? That I’m not a danger to the children?”

  “I’m confident, but you can leave at the first sign of a problem.” Olivia stood.

  Robin hesitated, then got out of the chair and tossed her empty cup into the trash. “Does your calendar say this is scare-the-shit-out-of-Robin day?” At the door, she turned.

  “I’ll give both a try.”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Robin and Ted

  Things had gotten better. Since she told Olivia about her nightmares and fantasies and her fears, she’d been more relaxed and hopeful. More like her old self. Katie and Jan and her other close friends had welcomed her back with open arms though she hadn’t discussed her therapy with any of them. She’d even been to see the mamas to let them know she was actively working on her issues. They’d been happy to see her and happy she was getting help, but she sensed they were wary. She understood. She’d hurt their daughter and their granddaughter.

  She discussed her plan to go to Florida with Katie and Jan and asked Jan to find a private detective to track down her brothers and her father. Ever resourceful, Jan went online and found telephone numbers for her brothers in Florida. Tonight, she was having dinner with Jan and Katie at Katie’s house, so they could be with her when she called Ted, her older brother, about coming down to visit. She decided she’d enjoy dinner more if she called first.

  They sat around the table in the small conference room Katie had set up in her brownstone for when she worked at home. Using the conference phone would allow the three of them to hear the conversation. Katie squeezed her hand. Robin took a deep breath, then dialed. It rang six times, then a girl answered. “Hello.”

  “Hello. I’m calling to speak to Ted DiLuca. Is he at home?”

  “Um, who’s calling?”

  “Robin DiLuca, his sister.”

  “Really?” The girl didn’t attempt to contain her excitement. “Dad, Dad, pick up the phone. It’s her, it’s your sister Robin.”

  Jan high-fived Robin. Robin grinned.

  They could hear the girl breathing heavily over the phone. Katie put the phone on mute. “Well, someone is happy to hear from you.” She took the phone off mute.

  “Robin, is it really you?” His voice was deep and rich, and clearly he too was happy to hear from her.

  “It’s really me. How are you? And I gather you have a daughter?”

  “Two actually and a son and a wife as well. What about you?”

  Her eyes went to Jan and Katie, then back at the phone. “Um, I have a wife and a daughter too.”

  “That’s great. I am so happy to hear from you. Geez, it’s been too long.”

  She didn’t know what she’d expected, but her brother was so obviously glad to hear from her that she kicked herself for waiting so long to contact him. She could do this, go to Florida and reclaim her past. “I’d love to come to Florida to see you and get to know your family, if that’s okay?”

  “It’s more than okay. It’s wonderful. My girls have been dying to meet you, and they’d kill me if I let you go without a commitment. So when?”

  She glanced at Katie and Jan again. “Is Friday evening too soon?”

  “Just a second.” They heard him talking to someone in the background. “It’s great. Ellen, that’s my wife, says you’re welcome to stay with us, but, in any case, plan on coming here for dinner. Can you be here by six thirty?”

  “No problem, but I think it would be easier for me to stay in a hotel for our first visit. How’s Paul?”

  “Paul is okay. I can arrange for you to see him sometime over the weekend if you’d like. Do you want to see Dad?”

  Robin took a breath. “Do you think he’d want to see me?”

  Ted cleared his throat. “I’m not sure, Robin. He’s a drunk, so you never know. And if you look the way I remember, maybe not.”

  “How do you think I look?”

  “You had black hair and green eyes like Mom. I imagine now that you’re older you must be a dead ringer for her. My girls both look like her and he won’t see them, but he’s okay with my son.”

  “Well. Let’s play that by ear, depending on how I feel when I’m there. Give me your address and I’ll see you Friday.”

  They exchanged information and hung up. Katie and Jan hugged her. She couldn’t stop grinning. “Let’s eat, I’m starving.”

  Jan remained seated when the other two stood. “You guys pull the food together. Let me make your plane and hotel reservations, then I’ll join you. You going, Katie?”

  Katie looked at Robin. “Do you still want me along?”

  “It’s up to you. He was pretty excited about seeing me, so I’m okay going alone.”

  “Easier if I stay home.”

  “Okay, Jan, just me. Make it for the early afternoon Friday with the return on Sunday night.” She stood. “I’m going to call Olivia now. I guess the food is up to you and Michael, Katie.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Robin Goes to Florida

  She followed the GPS to the driveway of a sprawling one-story home hidden behind shrubs and palm trees in an older development of similar homes in Boca Raton. She sat for a minute steeling herself, then the front door was thrown open and a girl dashed out, followed by a younger girl and a boy, followed by a tall fellow who must be her brother. She got out of the car and had about a second before he pulled her into his arms. They embraced for a long moment. She closed her eyes, feeling a confusing mixture of sadness and happiness as she hugged this strange, yet familiar brother. She opened her eyes and over his shoulder spotted a woman in the doorway, most likely her sister-in-law, Ellen. Three very excited children surrounded them. The girls reminded her of…oh, they looked like her.

  Ted released her and held her at arms length. “Wow. You look great all grown up.”

  She laughed. “So do you. And who are these people?”

  “Ah, yes, your nieces and nephew.” He put an arm around the oldest girl. “Sara is thirteen, Victoria is seven and,” he tapped the boy on the head, “Teddie here is ten.” He draped an arm over her shoulder. “Come, let me introduce you to Ellen.”

  Ellen hugged her. “I’m so happy to meet you finally.”

  They moved inside. She was feeling overwhelmed. She hadn’t thought about her family much over the years, but she never expected this warm and loving welcome. Ellen seemed to sense her need for a little space. “Dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. Let’s give our guest some breathing room. Ted, give Robin a tour of the house and show her where she can freshen up. Make sure you give her a clean towel. You three,” she signaled the kids to follow her, “come set the table.”

  She liked the house a lot. It was nicely decorated but comfortable and, with three kids, clearly lived in. Besides the large kitchen, dining room and living room, there were four bedrooms and four baths, plus a screened-in Florida room overlooking the pool. The kids caught up with their tour and each proudly showed her their bedroom. Watching the girls, she wondered for the first time whether Jess looked like her. By the time they sat down at the dining room table, Robin felt back in control and in the moment. The two girls claimed the chairs next to her. Teddie sat next to his mom. “We saw you on TV,” Sara blurted out, “all the time, and in the newspapers.”

  Ah, so they knew she was a billionaire. And a lesbian. She looked at Ted. “Once you learned I was in New York, why didn’t you contact me?” Was it because she was a lesbian?

  Ted and Ellen exchanged a look. It was Ellen who responded. “We thought about it. Up until your company went public and you were all over the newspapers and television, we had no idea where you were living or what you were doi
ng. Years ago we’d discussed hiring a private detective to find you. But then, and more recently when we saw you, we decided if you were interested in reconnecting, you knew where to find us.”

  She hesitated. “It didn’t have anything to do with…my lifestyle?” She wasn’t sure about using the word “lesbian” in front of the younger children.

  “Your being a lesbian is a non-issue for us. If you hadn’t become a billionaire, I might have called.” Ted met her eyes. “But I didn’t want you to think the money was the reason.”

  Lily was right. Money does complicate some things. Like Lily, Ted and Ellen were interested in her, not her money. Lily would like them. Lily. If only…She caught herself drifting down a path she didn’t want to go now and forced her attention back to Ted. “I understand. And you’re right. I knew how to find you. It’s complicated, though,” she cleared her throat, “so, uh, maybe we could go into it later?”

  Ellen picked up her discomfort. “Of course. But we’re all so curious about you, would you mind telling us about what you’ve been doing?”

  All eyes on her, she gave them the short version. Harvard, Stanford, New York City and DiLuca Cooper Technologies International. She omitted Lily and Jess.

  Sara, sitting on her right, leaned into her, hanging on every word. She was almost levitating with excitement. “I’m dying to live in New York City. What’s it like?”

  Robin thought for a minute, then described her loft in Tribeca and her office on Wall Street with a view of the Statue of Liberty. She tried to convey the excitement of the city, the crowds, Broadway shows, the ballet, the opera, concerts in the park, the museums. But it was Coney Island—the Cyclone, the aquarium, the midway, walking the high line and kayaking in the Hudson, all the things she’d done with Lily, that fascinated them.