“Oh, Paul, I’m so sorry. Maybe I was lucky that I didn’t remember. What about you, Ted?”
“I was twelve when Mom died, and I guess I was better able to handle it. I’d been trying to take care of you two while she was alive but not feeding us or doing laundry. After she died and he totally abandoned us, I felt even more responsible for you two, and that’s where my energy went until I got the scholarship for college and left home. The experience drove me to want to understand her and him and why they were the way they were, and I think it was the reason I became a psychiatrist.”
They were silent as they walked. The bright sunlight, the soothing ebb and flow of the turquoise ocean and her happiness at connecting with her brothers battled with the life-shattering memories of their shared childhood. Both she and Paul had lost years to the pain, he in remembering, she in not remembering. And because she didn’t remember, she’d walked away from the only woman she would ever love. And her child.
After a while, Ted took her hand. It wasn’t until they were headed back to gather the troops for lunch that Paul took her other hand. Tears filled her eyes. Paul brushed something out of his eyes. Tears too, she thought.
Ted treated everyone to lunch at the beach, and they hung out and talked for most of the afternoon. She invited them all to dinner and let the kids decide where to go. As they separated to shower, change and relax a bit, she asked Paul to invite his girlfriend along.
By unspoken agreement, they didn’t talk about the past at all over dinner and it turned out to be a lot of fun. Everyone was in good spirits; there was lots of joking and playfulness. At some point during the evening, Robin looked around and smiled. Her family. She felt comfortable and happy with them. She wished her other family—Katie and Jan and especially Lily and Jess—was here. But this wasn’t the last time, she knew. Now that she’d found them she wasn’t letting them go. At the end of the evening, Ellen invited them all to brunch the next day so they could spend time together before her evening flight.
The memories the next day came from the photos included in the album: of her parents as children, then as a young couple, and their wedding pictures. She really did look exactly like her mom, who in these pictures was smiling and happy. Later pictures included Ted and Paul and her as an infant. She was surprised to see pictures of her growing up, the last at twelve when Ted left for college. Apparently, Ted was a budding photographer, and he, rather than either of her parents, had captured their childhood.
With tears in her eyes she strode across the room and kissed him. “Thank you, Ted, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to get my past back through your pictures. And thank you, Sara, Victoria and Teddie, for the effort you put into creating such a beautiful album. I especially love the pictures you drew and the poems and stories you wrote. It’s one of the loveliest gifts I’ve ever received.” She didn’t attempt to stem the tears as she moved around the room and kissed each person. “I’m so lucky to have found you all again.”
Ted pulled her into a hug. “There are many more photos. We didn’t give you all of them, so you’d have to come back soon to see them.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll be back.”
During the afternoon, Ted, Ellen, Paul and his girlfriend were sitting around talking when Ellen asked the question she’d been dreading. “We haven’t heard a single thing about your wife and daughter. Do you have pictures and when can we meet them?”
She flushed, cleared her throat and spoke. “We’re separated at the moment.” She gazed at the expectant faces. “I’m hoping we’ll get back together. It had to do with Jess, our daughter. She was premature, and her birth brought on violent nightmares, which turned to daytime fantasies. I didn’t realize they were memories. I thought my subconscious was trying to get me to kill my baby. I left them so I wouldn’t harm her.” She took a deep breath. “That’s the first time I’ve been able to say that to anyone other than my therapist.”
Ellen moved next to her and hugged her. “Thank you for trusting us.”
She thought about it for a second. “I do trust you. I’m hoping Lily will take me back, but I need to do some more work in therapy before I approach her.”
“How old is Jess?”
“Twenty months.”
“Well, if there’s any way we can help, call us.” Ted was the one who spoke, but the others echoed his offer.
Before she left for the airport, she pulled Ellen and Ted aside. “I’d like to do something for you and I hope you’ll accept the gift—”
Ted stood straighter. “You don’t need to give us anything, Robin.”
“Wait, just let me finish. I’d like to set up an educational trust for my nieces and nephew so they can all go to the best private schools you can find for them. You know I made a lot of money when we went public and I’d love to do this for the kids. You don’t have to answer now. Think about it and call me.” She handed each of them her card. “You have my cell, but you can also contact me at the office.”
Ted opened his mouth to speak, but Ellen put a hand on his arm to stop him. “That’s a very generous offer. But this would be a multi-year commitment. Are you aware of how much tuition is at these schools?”
“I assure you, money is not a problem.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Lily Terminates Therapy
The minute she sat facing Hillary, Lily launched into the story of her expedition to Shazarak the night before.
“It happened again. I met this woman and we danced and laughed and even did some kissing. At the end of the night, I invited her back to my apartment and somehow without the music and the excitement of the bar, it felt flat. Then she kissed me again and started to heat up, but I could have been kissing the mirror for all the excitement I felt. Initially I was bored, then I was downright turned off, so I claimed exhaustion and sent her on her way. I feel bad ’cause I don’t like treating women that way, leading them on, then not delivering.”
She looked at Hillary. “What do you think?”
“What did this woman look like?”
“What? Oh, tall, short black hair, blue eyes, on the butch side.”
“Remind you of anyone?”
“Yes. I’ve been seeing you once a week for almost three months, and nothing has changed. Y’all were able to help me get over Micki, why not this?”
“What was the issue with Micki?”
“Because of her dumping me, I was feeling unlovable and afraid to trust my feelings. But you helped me learn to tune into myself, to get to my real feelings.”
“And what are your feelings telling you now? About Robin? About other women?”
“Why are you making me repeat this? You know that I’m still in love with Robin, and I want her back. I don’t want anyone else.”
“Listen to yourself, Lily. What did you just say about Robin?’
“That I love her and don’t want anyone else.”
Hillary didn’t speak, and after a minute Lily’s eyebrows shot up. “I don’t feel turned on because I only want Robin?”
“Trust your feelings, Lily. Until you get over Robin, you’ll remain in limbo. Are you angry at Robin for abandoning you and Jess?”
“I. Am. Not. Angry. At. Robin. She loves me but had to leave for some reason.”
“Then there’s nothing for us to do. I think it’s time you terminated therapy.”
“You’re kicking me out? Aren’t you obligated to help me?”
“I’m here to help when you’re ready, Lily.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
The Third Year
At Christmas, two plane tickets and vouchers for the first two weeks of February at the LezBeach resort were delivered to Lily with a handwritten note from Robin.
You both had such a good time last year. Enjoy. I miss you.
I miss you too, Lily thought. Last year’s trip was a gift to celebrate her book hitting the bestseller list, but this was just a…gift. A reminder. Was she keeping Robin front and center by accepting
it? Was she picking at a scab, never letting the wound heal? Should she send it back?
Who was she kidding? Robin was never far from her thoughts and the wound was so deep she felt it would never heal. It would be fun to get away again. Jess loved the beach, and while she’d accepted she’d probably never have another relationship, maybe she’d be ready to have casual sex this year. At the very least, she could relax and get some writing done. What the hell?
Unfortunately, she was sick the week before they were supposed to go, so she rescheduled the plane and the hotel for a week later.
Two-year-old Jess had flowered into a miniature Robin, precocious and beautiful, with Robin’s sparkling green eyes, high cheekbones, glistening black hair and exuberant personality. She tested high on the genius scale and talked non-stop with a vocabulary and conceptual ability way beyond her chronological age.
Jess didn’t remember last year’s trip, but Lily showed her pictures and she was excited. “Will my dad be there?” she asked in her raspy voice, a leftover from the tubes in her throat in the NICU.
Lily rolled her eyes. Most of the other kids in the nursery school had dads and she had come home one day asking for her dad. Like Robin, she was relentless when she wanted something and she didn’t give up inquiring about her dad. In desperation, Lily showed her a picture from their wedding reception, she in a white gown, Robin in a tux. She pointed to Robin. “That’s your dad.”
Jess grabbed the picture out of her hands and studied it. “Does she look like me?”
“Yes, she’s beautiful, like you.”
Jess kissed the picture and placed it carefully on the night table next to her bed. “Will my dad be at the beach?”
Lily was watching her from the doorway. “No, honey, your dad won’t be there, but we’ll have fun anyway.”
Jess started crying. “Mommy, I need my dad. She has to be at the beach.”
Oh God, what had she done? She picked up Jess and sat on the bed with her. “I want her too. We’ll see her when we come back from the beach, okay?”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” Now all she had to do was convince Robin to see her, but she’d deal with that when she got back. There was a slim chance Jess would forget. Very slim.
Jess got upset again when the eight-by-ten wedding picture wouldn’t fit in the small purse Annie had given her for her birthday, so Lily dug out one of the wallet-sized versions for her. “Thank you, Mommy.” She kissed the picture, then tucked it into the purse with her other valuable possessions. That purse went everywhere with her.
A week later than scheduled, they arrived at the LezBeach resort. Jess got right into the swing of things. The counselors put her in the two-to-four-year-old group, but she was so much more advanced than the other children she was moved to the five-to-eight-year-old group after two days. Lily alternated time at the beach with time writing at the casita. At night, she bathed Jess, sat with her while she ate, then put her to bed. She left Jess with a sitter, then went to dinner with new friends, hung out in the bar and danced.
It was the only time of the year, she permitted herself to go out to dinner and dancing every night, and she loved it. It would be perfect if she met someone she liked enough to have sex with, but, even if she didn’t, she was having a great time and so was Jess. The first week flew.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Robin Therapy
The last therapy session. Bittersweet. Sweet because she’d accomplished what she’d come for. Bitter because it meant leaving Olivia. As she looked around the room, imprinting it in her memory, her eyes met Olivia’s. She’d felt safe here, safe with Olivia. She would miss her.
“The door is always open, you know.” Olivia smiled. “You’re leaving tomorrow?”
“Yes. Lily and Jess will be flying home while I’m flying there.”
“Have you written the letter yet?”
“Partially. I’ll finish it and put it in the mail before I leave.” Robin leaned forward. “Are you sure it’s all right to mail it and then leave for two weeks?”
Olivia sipped the latte Robin had brought for her. “You’re dropping this on her out of nowhere, so she’ll likely need some time to absorb it. Just include a number where she can reach you if she wants to talk to you before you get back.” She smiled at Robin. “You’ve worked very hard and come a long way in the year we’ve been together. How are you feeling?”
“Thanks to you, I’ve confronted my fears, found my family and learned who I am and what’s important to me. I feel happy and hopeful for the future. My only fear now is that Lily won’t take me back and won’t let me be a part of Jess’s life.”
“You’re pretty persuasive so I have faith. But I’m always here if you need me.” Olivia stood and walked Robin to the door.
“I don’t know if this is allowed, but I’ve wanted to do this for a long time now.” Robin pulled Olivia into a hug. “Thanks, Olivia.”
Olivia smiled and returned the hug. “Good luck, Robin.”
* * *
Robin put down the pen and stared out the window of her loft, considering whether there was anything else she wanted to say. She thought she’d nailed it, but reread it before signing.
Dear Lily,
I hope I’m not too late to come home to you and Jess. I owe you both apologies. That I love you has never been in doubt, but I would like the opportunity to meet my daughter, and to love her, no matter her condition. A little late, I know, but, nevertheless, true. I still want to be her dad though I no longer see that as just dropping in to play and have fun. Rather, I’d like to be a full-fledged parent with all the responsibilities that come with the title.
I’m sure your eyebrows are pretty high by now. It’s taken me almost two years of wandering in the desert of life without you and a year of that time in intensive therapy to work through my problems. I know you thought I was having difficulty with Jess and the likelihood of future problems, but that was far from the truth. In reality, the problem was my screwed up past and my fear that I’d hurt Jess if I stayed.
To be certain that I was not a danger to Jess or other children, my therapist encouraged me to volunteer to work with children, including those born prematurely, who have various diseases and afflictions. I’ve learned a lot about love and loving. I won’t make excuses for being a coward, but I can say with pride, I’ve grown up and the feelings I was struggling with are no longer a problem.
As I write this, you and Jess are getting ready to fly back from the LezBeach resort and I hope you both enjoyed it as much as you did last year. I’ll be flying there this afternoon for my own two-week vacation so we’ll be passing in the air.
You probably think that it’s the old cowardly me sending this then fleeing the country, but I discussed it with Olivia, my therapist, and concluded that it might be best to give you time to think about all this while I’m away. Please feel free to call me if you have any desire to talk before I get back. You have my cell and Jan knows how to get in touch with me at LezBeach.
Please know whatever you decide that I love you dearly and regret every day leaving you and our baby. I pray (yes, pray) that you will let me back into your lives so I can spend the rest of my life making it up to both of you.
No one but you, forever.
All my love,
Robin
She sealed the letter in the envelope she’d prepared, picked up her suitcase and on the way to the elevator dropped it in the mail chute in the hallway. She glanced at her watch and hurried down to the waiting limo.
After takeoff, Robin told Brenda, a friend from her graduate school days and her guest for the next two weeks, that she wanted to nap. But when she dozed off, her dreams revolved around losing things by doing too little too late.
Brenda touched her shoulder gently to wake her. “We’re landing, Robin.”
She shook off her anxiety and sat up, happy to see the bright sun out on the tarmac.
Chapter Forty-Nine
LezBeach Resort
Robin spent the first afternoon and evening sitting on the patio of her three-bedroom casita enjoying the sun, the sound of the ocean and the ocean breezes. Not in the mood to socialize, she encouraged Brenda to go to the dining room alone, then had dinner delivered to the casita and ate by herself on the patio. After a walk on the beach, she wrote in her journal, read for a while, then went to bed.
The next morning they ate breakfast on the patio, then settled into two chaise lounges under a palm canopy on the beach. Brenda talked nonstop about the fun she’d had at the bar last night, but Robin was distracted. All she could think about was Lily. When would she receive the letter? Would she be happy about it or angry? Would she consider taking her back? Should she call her later this week or wait? Finally, restless as hell, she left Brenda and strolled down the beach. She stopped when she saw a group of six-or seven-year-old children with a couple of counselors staring at something in the sand. It turned out to be a dead shark.
Working with children at the hospital had put Robin in touch with how much she enjoyed children, their unselfconsciousness, their playfulness, their inquisitiveness and their joy in the world. She lingered, watching and listening. The intelligent rapid-fire questions of a gravelly voiced little girl wearing a floppy green hat impressed her particularly. Stumped by one of the questions, the counselors rolled their eyes at each other over the kid’s head.
“Maybe I can help,” Robin said and answered the question in detail.
As she spoke, the children spun to look at her, then all but the little girl turned back to the fish. She couldn’t see the girl’s face under the hat, but she felt the intensity of her scrutiny. The girl edged closer. “Are you my dad?” Robin loved her gravelly voice. It took a few seconds for her question to sink in, and even then she wasn’t sure she’d heard it right.
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