“I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I said,” she practically shouted, “are you my dad?”
There was a titter of nervous laughter from the group of kids.
“Um, I don’t think so. What’s your name?”
“If you were my dad, you would know my name.” The girl skipped back to the group, which had started making its way down the beach.
Robin laughed. Impertinent little thing. She watched her run and skip and jump down the beach. Something about that kid was familiar. Could it be? She shook her head. Get a grip, Robin. Not only are Lily and Jess back in New York City, but that girl is three or four years older than Jess. She turned and continued her walk, going in the opposite direction from the children.
Later, after lunch at the casita, she was reading in her lounge chair under the palm umbrella when she became aware that the group of children was back. Her eyes lit on the green hat, and she watched the girl getting the other children to chase her, fearlessly running into the water, forcing the counselor to drag her out, and building sand castles, then laughing as she stomped on them. She was so vibrant, so full of life, the kind of child she’d thought she would have. She knew now she’d love Jess no matter what, but she’d seen enough preemie babies in the hospital to know the kinds of problems she could expect Jess to have. Most likely she would be very different than Little Miss Green Hat.
When the counselors settled the group down to rest, drink water and have an afternoon snack, Robin wandered over to them. “How old are the kids?”
“They’re five to seven.”
“The one in the green hat is a handful.”
The counselor laughed. “She sure is. What an instigator. Actually, she’s younger than the others, but she’s tall for her age and so precocious and mature that we had to move her up from the two-to-four group.”
As if she sensed they were talking about her, the girl turned to stare at Robin. “How old is she?”
“Around two, I think.” She studied Robin. “You know, she looks like you. Are you related?”
Robin’s heart started to tap dance. Could it be? “What’s her name?”
“Jess DiLuca.”
Robin felt faint. “Thanks.” She staggered back to her lounge chair.
Brenda looked up. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you okay?”
“I just saw my daughter.”
“What? I thought they were supposed to leave on Sunday.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what happened, but the girl over there in the green hat is Jess.”
“And that means Lily is around somewhere. What are you going to do?”
“Shit, you’re right, Lily must still be here too. I don’t want the counselor to think I’m a pervert, so I won’t do anything for now. Look, they’re going in the water and she’s taken her hat off. Could you walk over and see what she looks like?”
Brenda strolled along the beach, stopped to watch the kids frolic in the water for a few minutes, then turned back. “She’s a miniature you, same coloring, same hair and same eyes.”
“She asked this morning if I was her dad. When Lily was pregnant, I used to tease her and say I don’t want to be just another mommy, I want to be the dad. But how could Jess know that? Would Lily have told her?”
“Nah, she probably asks every black-haired, green-eyed butch she meets. You look like you need a drink.”
“I don’t think seltzer and lime is going to help much. I’m going back to the casita to take a shower and think about what to do. See you later.”
* * *
Jess was chattering a mile a minute as Lily washed her, but Lily was distracted thinking about the chapter she was struggling with. “What did you say, Jess?”
“You’re not listening, Mommy. I said I thought I saw my dad today, but she didn’t know my name so it wasn’t her.”
“Stand up, please, so I can lift you out of the tub.” She wrapped the girl in a towel, hauled her out and began to dry her. “You’re not asking everyone on the beach if she’s your dad, are you, sweetie?”
“Of course not, Mommy, just the one who looked like my dad, but she wasn’t.”
She nuzzled Jess, kissing her neck and her face and her belly. Giggling, Jess pulled away, then tickled her. Lily tickled her back and soon they were rolling on the floor, laughing. “I love you, Jess.”
“I love you too, Mommy.”
As usual, Jess protested having to wear a diaper to bed.
“We agreed you wouldn’t have to wear a diaper during the day, but you would wear one at night, remember?”
“Yes, Mommy, but I’m really big now, and I only wet myself once this week, so I don’t need a diaper.”
Lily tossed her on the bed and deftly secured the diaper. “When you go four weeks in a row without wetting the bed at night, you won’t have to wear a diaper. Show me four fingers.”
“I know what four is, silly.”
While Jess was distracted, Lily quickly pulled her pajamas on her and rolled her under the light blanket.
“I’ll ask my dad what she thinks when I meet her, okay?”
Relentless, just like your dad. “Sure, baby.” Lily read to her until she fell asleep. She dressed and, when the sitter arrived, went to meet Lindsay for dinner. As she related the story of Jess running up to some stranger asking if she was her dad, she noticed Lindsay resembled Robin—tall, slightly androgynous with dark hair, but blue, rather than startling green eyes like Jess and Robin. She also realized that she was really full of herself and not as smart or attractive or sexy or funny as Robin. She sighed. She’d thought she’d have a fling this year, but clearly she wasn’t ready yet. Well, it didn’t mean they couldn’t dance and have a good time after dinner. She’d just be clear up front to avoid problems at the end of the night.
Chapter Fifty
Robin and Jess
Robin needed to be alone, so she encouraged Brenda to go out for dinner and dancing again. After dinner alone on the patio, she stretched out on the chaise lounge, reading. She was dozing when something tickled her face. She brushed it away, but it didn’t stop, so she opened her eyes and stared into the greenest eyes she’d ever seen, other than in the mirror. She jerked to a sitting position. “Jess, what are you doing here?” She glanced at her phone. “It’s after midnight.”
The little girl smiled. “You know my name. I knew you were my dad. Were you fooling this morning?”
Robin opened her mouth, but she didn’t know what to say.
The girl put down the diaper she was carrying. “I came to show you the picture in case you forgot about me.” She opened the little purse she was holding and held up a photo. “See, there you are with Mommy. She told me you were my dad. I didn’t know.”
Seeing the picture of her and Lily at their wedding reception, a tsunami of loss hit Robin. They’d created this beautiful child out of their love for each other. And now Jess thought she’d been forgotten. “I didn’t forget about you. I didn’t know it was you under that big hat.” Tears stung Robin’s eyes, and she pulled the girl onto her lap, breathed in her smell and kissed the top of her head. “Jess, your mommy will be worried about you. Do you know the number of your casita?”
“Of course, silly. It’s two two two.”
“Was your mommy asleep?”
“No, silly. My sitter Mary Ann and her friend Merry were wrestling on the sofa so I came to show you the picture.” She held up the diaper. “You need to change me.”
“How did you know where to find me?”
“I heard your friend tell the waiter your number when he brought her drink.” She yawned and turned to wrap her arms around Robin’s neck. “I’m glad I found you, Dad.”
Robin held her close, savoring the feeling of her little body, cursing herself for missing two years of her daughter’s life. She felt Jess go slack and she lay back with her on her chest. She didn’t know how Lily would react, so she’d enjoy her daughter for just a few more minutes before taking her back
.
“Robin, wake up. It’s two o’clock.” Brenda was shaking her shoulder, another woman behind her.
She opened her eyes. Oh, shit, she’d fallen asleep with Jess. Lily must be frantic.
“What are you doing with the child, Robin? Did you kidnap her?”
“No, she just showed up.” She sat up, waking Jess.
The girl smiled. “Dad.” Robin’s heart melted.
Brenda’s eyebrows went up. Her friend grinned.
Robin kissed Jess’s forehead. “It’s very late, Jess, and your mommy will be worried. I’m going to change your diaper, then take you home.” Luckily, she’d learned to change diapers as a volunteer in the children’s ward at the hospital. She put a towel on the bed, then removed Jess’s pajamas and the wet diaper, washed and dried her, then put on the clean diaper. Her pajamas were soaked.
Brenda watched, a big smile on her face. “Nice work, ‘Dad.’ Who knew DiLuca was so domesticated?”
Robin looked over her shoulder. “Make yourself useful, Bren, and hand me one of my T-shirts, please?”
Jess smiled when she slipped the T-shirt on her. Her eyelids were drooping again and within seconds of Robin lifting her to her shoulder, she became dead weight, snoring lightly. Robin was overcome with sadness over the lost years, but she’d learned enough in therapy to know to focus on the future. Regretting the past helps no one.
“Um, Robin, this is Greta. Um, do you need me to come with you?”
“Thanks, Bren, I think I’d better go alone.” She grinned. “Don’t feel you have to wait up for me, ladies.” She set off to find Lily’s casita.
As she walked along the sand, she realized Jess had traveled a long way to get to her. The beach was unlit and the paths dim; most kids her age would have been frightened. Her kid was fearless and determined. She kissed Jess’s head. Lily must be beside herself. Finally, she reached the two hundred-numbered casitas. She’d expected to hear people calling for Jess, but it was quiet. As she approached two twenty-two, Lily was standing in the doorway, embracing a woman. Apparently, she hadn’t noticed Jess was missing.
When she was close enough to hear, she realized Lily was actually fending off the woman. As often as she’d thought about Lily, dreamed about her, imagined them together, with the golden light of the casita behind her, she was even more lovely, more sensual than she remembered. Her body reacted to her as it always did, with a burst of desire. And Lily’s voice, even angry as it was now, still traveled through her body like warm chocolate.
“What about ‘no’ don’t y’all understand, Lindsay? I told y’all upfront, just dinner, a couple of drinks and dancing, no necking, no sleeping together. Save yourself some embarrassment and leave now.” She turned to go inside.
“Want to sleep with the great Lily Alexander.” The woman grabbed Lily from behind. She shrieked, pivoted, pushed the drunk away and stood over her lying in the sand. “Don’t you dare touch me. Ever. Now run along and sober up. Y’all can apologize tomorrow.” She turned to go back into the casita.
Robin cleared her throat. “Um, Lily, I have something of yours.”
“Robin?” Lily spun around. She grabbed the doorframe to steady herself. “What are y’all doing…how did you get Jess?” She looked like she might pass out. Her voice was higher than usual. Robin couldn’t tell if she was frightened or angry or going into shock. One thing was clear. She didn’t look happy to see Jess in her arms.
“She came looking for me.” Robin glanced at the drunk who was trying to stand. “Shall we go inside and talk?”
Lily stared at her as if not quite believing she was real. She blinked, extended her hand to touch Robin’s face, hesitated, then touched Jess instead. Their eyes locked over their daughter. She blinked again and her eyes flicked from Robin’s face to the lump draped over her shoulder and back. She shook her head, then waved Robin into the casita. Lily was so close behind that Robin could hear her breathing, almost gasping for air, and smell her favorite rosemary shampoo. Overwhelmed by her nearness, Robin stepped aside so Lily could lead the way and she could breath. They exchanged a glance at the sight of the babysitter asleep on the couch. Lily snorted and muttered something Robin didn’t understand, then stepped closer and prodded the girl. She yawned and sat up, her eyes darting between them, then she stood quickly. “Sorry, I must have dozed. Um, why is Jess out of bed?”
“Just what I was going to ask you.” Now Lily’s voice was sizzling hot with rage. “She was found wandering—where, Robin?”
“Over by the twelve hundred casitas.”
“Do y’all know how far that is? Do you know she’s not quite two and she’s been wandering around in the dark all the way over to the twelve hundred casitas? What the fuck were you doing while she walked past you and out the door?”
“I, uh, fell asleep?”
Robin shifted Jess to her other shoulder. “According to Jess, you and your friend were playing on the couch and didn’t hear her when she asked you to change her diaper.”
Lily’s face was almost purple. “You are in deep shit. You know you’re not allowed to have someone with you when you babysit unless you get permission first. Get out. I’ll deal with this tomorrow.”
The girl grabbed her bag and scurried out the door without a backward glance.
Lily leaned over, hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath.
Robin had never seen Lily so angry. Was it her fear for Jess? Or was it anger that should have been directed at her? Or maybe some of both. She would take whatever Lily dished out.
When Lily straightened she seemed calmer. “Let’s get her to bed.” She ushered Robin into the smaller bedroom.
Robin put Jess into her bed and pulled the blanket over her. They stood watching her sleep for a minute. “She looks like an angel. I never expected she would be so beautiful and funny and smart.”
“Is that your T-shirt she’s wearing?”
“She was soaking wet. She had a clean diaper, but her pajamas were wet too, so I figured a T-shirt would be better than nothing.”
Shaking her head, Lily turned and Robin followed her to the living room. Robin sat on the sofa, Lily on the chair facing her. They hadn’t been this close since the day they moved into their separate apartments. She controlled the desire to take Lily in her arms, knowing they needed time to get to know each other again. “You’re as beautiful as ever, Lily. I’ve missed you.”
Lily looked away. “I’m going to kill Mary Ann. It sounds like she and Merry were having sex and not paying attention to Jess. I mean she had to walk right by them to get out of the casita.” She blew out a breath. “Sorry. When I think Jess could have decided to go in the water or do whatever, I…” She covered her face, her shoulders shook.
Robin fought the urge to get up and comfort her.
“She could have died or been hurt.” Lily looked up and dried her eyes. “Sorry.”
“But she’s okay. I couldn’t believe she walked so far to get to me. In the dark.” She reached a hand toward Lily, then dropped it. “You’ve done a wonderful job with her. I’m amazed. She seems too grown up to be not even two.”
“She has turned out well, hasn’t she? I would attribute a lot of that to your genes, Robin. She’s exactly like you—the good parts and the maddening parts, like getting up in the middle of the night and wandering around in the dark.”
“Has she ever done that in the city?”
“No. I think this was her need to find her dad. She’s been driving me crazy for a couple of weeks wanting to see her dad. In desperation, I showed her your picture right before we left to come here. I never dreamed you’d be here at the same time.”
“I’m not sure what happened. I tried to time the reservations so you and Jess would be back in the city by the time we arrived.”
She laughed. “I screwed that up. I was sick so I rescheduled to come a week later.”
“Lily, I—”
Lily put her hand up. “Don’t. Seeing you is hard enough.”
“I can’t think about it like this, Robin. You drop into our lives out of the blue, and I don’t know, I don’t know.”
“Would it be all right for me to spend time with Jess? Here and when we get home?”
“I guess she’s perfect enough now for you to love her, huh?”
Robin recoiled. It felt as if she’d been stabbed. “I deserve that. And more for leaving you with a sick infant. But it was never about her not being perfect.” She blinked back the tears that sprang into her eyes.
“Well, it sure the fuck would be nice to know what it was about.” Her face was getting red again.
“I’d like to talk to you about it. Maybe after we’ve had some sleep.”
Lily stared at Robin, then looked away. “Jess needs you. I won’t keep you from seeing her.” She looked down. “But please don’t try to steal her away from me.”
“Oh, God, Lily, I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so much.” She took Lily’s hand. “I would never take her from you. I just want to be a part of her life. And yours if you’ll let me.” She stood. “Maybe I could babysit while you go out, so we don’t have a repeat of tonight.”
“What about your social life?”
“I come for the sun and the relaxation. I don’t socialize. I usually eat in the casita and hang out with friends or work or read.”
“You said ‘we,’ before. You’re here with someone?”
“Yes. Brenda came along to keep me company.”
“Is she…are you—”
“There hasn’t been anyone else, Lily. Not for me.” She stood. “Bren and I were friends at Stanford and we reconnected when she moved to New York City from California about a year ago. We’re both single, so we hang out. That’s it. Can we meet for lunch tomorrow and figure out when I can see Jess while you’re here?”
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