“So, will you get to go to the movie premier?”
Stan nudged his fiancé.
“What?” She smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek. “Stan is worried about my obsession with celebrities and that one day I may leave him for Bradley Cooper.”
Melissa winked at Kate and leaned into Stan. It was clear how much she loved him. “I can promise you, Stanley, I will never, ever leave you for Bradley Cooper or anyone else.” Kate could see a slight warmth creep into Stan’s cheeks and he pulled Melissa closer.
They obviously adored each other. Nick put a hand on Kate’s thigh; it startled her a bit. She looked over at Nick and smiled. They’d never been that lovey-dovey, but Kate hadn’t really given it much thought. Until now. Something began to form in her mind, perhaps a memory? Kate pushed it aside.
As they ate, the conversation flowed easily. Melissa had a million questions about the movie and whether Kate was going to be at any of the filming. “I’m going to try to be there for some of it. But, candidly, I don’t think they’d really want me on set. Usually they invite the author, but in this case…” Her voice trailed off and Melissa’s eyes softened.
“Nick really loved Allan. I’m sorry again for your loss.”
Suddenly Kate realized, “It’s been almost a year.” She realized she said her thought aloud. Nick nodded.
“A year. So much has happened.”
Yes, Kate thought, so much.
“So, Kate,” Melissa began, changing the subject, “how did Nick propose? He’s so private about that stuff.” Kate could feel Melissa nudge Nick with her shoe under the table. Kate smiled at her. “Well,” she said, “I came home and he was waiting in the living room, rose petals everywhere. It was so romantic.”
“Hey, man, don’t make me look bad.” Stan smiled and Nick chuckled.
“Oh, Honey,” Melissa leaned into him again, “everything you do is romantic, and when you know, you know. I knew I wanted to marry you before you even asked me.” She kissed Stan lightly on the cheek and then turned to Kate. “I mean, that’s how it is. Right, Kate? Now, tell me about the wedding. Have you set a date?”
“I–” Kate started, but Nick interrupted her.
“Kate’s been really busy; we’re planning on picking a date after the first of the year. Right, Honey?”
Kate nodded. “Yes. Yes, of course we are.” Her stomach lurched. “Will you excuse me?” Sliding her chair back, Kate raced to the ladies room. By the time she got there, she could feel her heart racing and Melissa’s words echoing in her head. “You just know, without hesitation…”
You just know.
Kate leaned over the sink. Someone walked into the restroom. She hardly noticed.
Breathe, damn it! she thought. Breathe!
What the hell was happening to her?
…
“Kate, you’ve been really quiet tonight.” Nick pulled his Jeep into the driveway and put it in Park. He turned in his seat and looked over at her.
She smiled. “I’m fine, really. I was just thinking about Allan.”
Nick stroked her cheek. “I know, Baby. I’m sorry. This has to be a rough time for you right now.”
Kate looked down at her hands. “It’s funny, I hadn’t actually thought about it being a year until tonight. I-I can’t believe it’s been that long.”
Nick’s hand threaded through her hair. “He would be so proud of you, Katie. You do realize that, right?”
“I know, but I wish he could see this success.”
“I know.” Nick pulled her closer but Kate resisted. She surprised herself when she did. Suddenly, she needed space.
“Come on. Let’s go inside, Kate,” Nick said. His voice was light, but the concern was evident. Kate had never pulled away from him before.
Kate felt her heart race. She was panicking and didn’t know why. “Nick,” she said, her voice unsteady, “I think I need to walk. I just need to think.”
“Kate, are you sure you’re okay?” Nick pulled his hand away; there was definitely something wrong.
She smiled. “I’m fine, really. I’m okay. I’m sorry. I just need some air.”
Nick nodded. Something twisted in his stomach. Something wasn’t right. Kate got out of the Jeep. “I’ll be in shortly,” she said.
Kate walked down the driveway, her jacket tucked in tightly around her. It wasn’t cold by New York standards, but there was a chill in the air. The night was clear and the street was quiet. Suddenly, Kate missed the hum of the traffic and the buzz of people around her. No matter what time you happened out into the city in New York, there were always people. Some coming, some going, some just walking.
Kate thought about her life there and then thought of Nick and her new life in California. Something had unsettled her tonight. The click-click of her footsteps echoed on the quiet street. Thoughts skipped through her mind in a riot of confusion. She thought back to New York, the last few days she was there, and how much she longed to be away. Now she felt like the child who had run away from home, thinking life would be better and distance would dissolve the problems. But they didn’t. She’d left in a flurry, without facing the things she needed to deal with. She’d been victorious, but only because Mac had helped her.
Mac. She pictured him for a moment as she saw him for the first time: Tall, handsome, a broad hand pushing through his dark hair, his light blues eyes fixated on hers. Even the image left her breathless. Kate stopped walking for a moment and settled on a wooden bench nestled in a patch of grass by the sidewalk. Mac left her breathless. Even now, even with another man’s ring on her hand.
What had she done?
You just know… Melissa’s inconvenient truth pounded through her head.
She’d never known, not really. Even when Nick had asked her, she’d felt the hesitation inside her even while she was saying yes.
He was perfect. There was no arguing that. He came with no baggage, a wonderful life, and he loved her more than perhaps anyone ever had. Yes, he was perfect, but at once Kate realized he wasn’t perfect for her. Or perhaps it was the other way around. Yes, she loved Nick, but not enough.
Not the way you loved Mac. She pushed that thought away—no time for that now. She needed to think of Nick and what was best for him. She knew in an instant, though she was certain he would adamantly disagree, that it wasn’t her.
She loved him enough to let him go.
Tears filled her eyes as the truth settled on her, the tide of it washing over her. Leaving a salty, sticky residue in its wake. The truth.
Kate cried, perhaps for the first time since that night in New York when Mac had come to her and she’d hoped to fix The Continued Promise. Kate drew her knees up under her chin and hugged them tightly, the emotion of it overtaking her.
What had she done? How had it all suddenly gotten this far? She’d flown into Nick’s arms as though he were a life preserver, just like Grace said, keeping her from drowning in her own reality. She’d accepted this new life as her own, immersing herself in it and using it as a barrier to keep her from facing what she hadn’t dealt with before she left New York. As much as she’d hated her job at MD at times, she also loved it. She loved every crazy minute of it. Losing that job, or rather walking away from it, had been a loss she had not faced—at least not fully. Though things were different now, and perhaps better, the past was a funny thing. You can run from it as long as you want, but eventually it will come back to be reckoned with.
The past was here now as it had been all along, waiting patiently until she could face it.
…
Something startled Nick awake and he reached over to Kate’s side of the bed. It was empty. He looked at the clock. Three a.m. Where was she? He swung his legs out of bed and walked out of their room onto the landing. He could see a light downstairs and assumed Kate was there. Nick walked down the stairs and saw her sitting on the couch in the living room staring at the darkened Christmas tree. A small lamp on the end table provided the only light.
“Kate? Are you okay?”
She jumped slightly and looked over at him. He stood in the doorway wearing a t-shirt and shorts. She watched him for a moment and realized that after this, nothing would ever be the same. Here it was, that dividing line between what was and what will be.
Although it was pretty dark, Nick could see that Kate had been crying. He walked over to her and settled into the soft cushion beside her. She was still wearing her jacket and the dress she’d had on at dinner.
“You haven’t been to bed?” he asked. Kate didn’t respond.
“I-I have been thinking,” her voice wobbled and cracked from fear and dread and the million tears she’d been crying.
Nick gently stroked her hair; she knew in an instant she would miss him. But not the way she should. She’d miss his friendship. Nick was a good friend. She cursed herself for not seeing that sooner. Maybe if she had, she could have kept him as one.
“Kate, it’s okay. You can tell me anything.”
She turned toward him and looked into his eyes. “Nick, I’m so grateful for what you’ve done for me all these months.”
He smiled—that beautiful, disarming smile that was never intended for her. “I was happy to be here for you, Kate. I love you, and you know that. I am so happy to be with you, to be here with you, and to be getting married—”
“Stop!” she said, more abruptly and louder than she’d intended. Her voice choked with tears. “Just stop.” She held up a hand, as if putting a barrier between them.
“Kate, I—”
“I’m so sorry, Nick. You’ve been so good to me, and I, just, I didn’t think. I wasn’t thinking…”
Nick frowned, not sure where she was going with this, but wherever it was, it didn’t feel good.
Kate tried to steady her voice before she continued. “I love you, Nick, but the thing is, I am not in love with you and I can’t marry you and I’m so very sorry.” Kate reached for Nick’s hand but he pulled back. She could see the shock of her words had reached him. His smile dropped from his face.
“I don’t understand,” he said, finally, in a voice that didn’t sound like his.
Kate took in a deep, shaky breath. “It’s just that tonight, I realized—”
“Wait, you just realized this tonight and we’ve been playing house for how long now?” As Nick’s anger rose, so did his voice. Kate tried to take his hands again; he threw her off and stood up. He stood against the dark tree, which looked ominous behind him.
“Nick, I, I don’t know how I let this happen. I was so damaged when I left New York and you were so kind and I, I guess I took advantage of that kindness, and I’m sorry. I’m so desperately sorry. But I needed to stop this now, to tell you, and I am so sick over this, Nick. I hate myself for what I’ve done to you.”
“You’re sick over this?” Nick turned to face the tree. She was pretty sure she’d seen a tear in his eye.
Kate rubbed her hands together and took a deep breath before she continued. “You were like a life preserver, and I was drowning in my grief and my heartbreak.”
“Is this about Mac?” he asked, turning and catching her eyes with a gaze that burned right through her.
She shook her head. “No, no it’s not. I did see him recently, but honestly, this isn’t about Mac. It’s about me and the shambles I’ve made of my life and how completely unfair it was to drag you into this with me.” Kate stood up and walked over to him. She saw Nick stiffen.
Kate licked her lips nervously. “Nick, I will never forgive myself for this. I hope you know that.”
Nick just stared at her. “And that’s supposed to absolve you of this? Of playing this charade? Pretending all these months and letting me believe that we had a future?” He crossed his arms. “Go to hell, Kate.” He began to walk away and Kate reached for his arm. Nick pulled back and stared her down. “Do not ever touch me again.” His voice dripped with anger.
She stepped back. “Nick, I hope you know that I did not do this intentionally. I would never intentionally hurt you. Ever.”
“Well, that’s a fucking relief, Kate, because I’m not sure what it is you did here, but it sure as fuck feels intentional.”
Kate took a shaky hand and slipped the ring from her finger.
Nick put out his hand. “No, keep it. Keep it as a reminder of what you did. You live in a world of fiction and make believe, Kate, but that’s not how life is. You can’t just stand there and tell me you’re sorry and that this is all for my benefit and expect me to just shrug and say, ‘Okay, sure, fine, I get it,’ and just walk away. Maybe it works like that in those books you promote, but reality is much different.” Nick’s voice caught. “I love you, Kate, with my whole heart and soul. I wanted to marry you and make babies with you and spend my life just adoring you. That’s all I wanted. And yes, I wanted to help you. I wanted to help you back on your feet, but what I never wanted was to be someone’s fucking life preserver.”
“Nick, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.”
He shook his head. “No, Kate, that’s exactly what you meant. A life preserver. That’s what I was. Just keeping someone from drowning. But guess what? You’re going to drown anyway. You think this Mac is going to want you back? He’s a player, Kate, a fucking player. He will never settle down and you’ll always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he’s cheating on you, because he probably is. But if that’s what you want, I won’t stop you.”
“It’s not about Mac. Really, it’s not,” Kate said, in almost a whisper. “It’s about doing the right thing.”
“It’s a little late for that now, don’t you think?”
Kate didn’t respond. Nick was right. It was too late, too late for everything.
“I’m going for a drive,” he said, and walked out of the living room.
“Nick, you shouldn’t drive in this condition.”
Nick turned and held her gaze with a stare that took her breath away, but not in a good way. “Don’t pretend to care about me now,” he said and vanished up the stairs.
Within ten minutes, she heard his Jeep start up and tear out of the driveway. Kate looked at the clock. It was barely four a.m. Her life was a disaster and she’d ruined Nick’s in the process, too. “Merry Christmas,” she said to no one.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
After Nick left, Kate started packing up her things. Grabbing whatever boxes she could find, she just threw her stuff into them without bothering to fold most of it. Kate went into Nick’s office and cleaned her stuff out there, too. She piled the boxes into a corner in the garage, packed a suitcase, and loaded it into Grace’s car. Kate called Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica. It was barely five a.m., but she was able to make a reservation for that night; she was surprised they still had rooms available five days before Christmas.
“Our check-in isn’t until three p.m., Ma’am,” the too-chipper voice on the other end said.
It didn’t matter; she was going into work anyway. “That’s fine.”
“So, to confirm, we have you booked through January sixth?”
“Yes, thanks.” She was booked on a flight to New York that day. She had a lot to figure out between now and then.
Kate started up the car and headed to her office. She’d left a note for Nick and the ring, telling him she’d come by when he was at the stores and get the rest of her things. Easier. He wouldn’t have to see her. She assumed he wanted it that way and she didn’t want or need to keep the ring. It was just an exquisite reminder of what she’d done and the pain she’d caused. Kate’s mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts and unwelcome emotion. She’d broken Nick’s heart—the man who’d done nothing but support her and love her. Kate felt a headache start at the base of her skull; the tendrils of it wove quickly through her head. She stopped at a CVS on the way to her office and bought some aspirin and a bottle of water. The clerk at checkout was a smiling freckle faced kid with angry red hair that jutted out in sharp tufts around his face. He reminded her o
f Pete. He threw her a broad smile that was both welcoming and genuine. Nope. Definitely not Pete. “Good morning!” he enthused. She really hated chipper people right now.
Suddenly she had the urge to call Grace. Walking into the parking lot, Kate pulled her phone from her purse and dialed the familiar number.
“Hey, Stranger, Merry Almost Whatever.” The minute Kate heard Grace’s voice, she started to cry. Through tears, Kate told her friend the entire story.
“Kate, I’m coming out there. I’m not letting you spend Christmas alone.”
“Really, I’ll be fine.” They both knew that was a lie.
“You’re not fine. I’m coming out.”
“The tickets will cost you a fortune.”
“You forget, I’m saving all kinds of money not paying for car storage. I’ll see you soon and I love you. Where are you staying?”
“Shutters on the Beach. I’ll text you the address.”
“Perfect, I’ll let you know what time I get in.”
“Gracie,” Kate began, the tears flowing again.
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
“I love you, Katie, and I’ll see you soon.”
Kate started up the car and suddenly remembered Andrew. He and James were driving out to spend Christmas with her and Nick. God, what a mess. Quickly, she punched in Andrew’s number.
“Hello, Love. We’re just packing up the car. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Andrew, there’s been a slight change of plans.”
“Oh, dear, that doesn’t sound good.”
“Listen, I’m not at the house anymore. Nick and I, well, I ended our engagement.”
For a moment, Andrew was silent. Then he said quietly, “I’m proud of you, Katie. Really, it was the right thing to do.”
“I-I know, but right and easy aren’t always the same thing.”
“Very true. Listen, we’ll be there in five hours, four if James lets me drive, which I doubt he will. Then we’ll all figure this out together.”
The Publicist Book One and Two Page 38