Tom Stoppard Plays 3

by Tom Stoppard

  BROWN: I was a regular, you see, and peace didn’t match up to the war I’d had. There was too much going on.

  MAGGIE: So what did you do then?

  BROWN: This and that. Didn’t fancy a lot. (He paints.) Shouldn’t you be working, or something?

  MAGGIE: I’ll go if you like.

  BROWN: I like you being here. Just wondered.

  MAGGIE: Wondered what?

  BROWN: I’m telling you about myself, aren’t I? I shouldn’t put you in that position – if they find out they’ll blame you for not passing it on.

  MAGGIE: But you haven’t done anything wrong, have you, Brownie?

  BROWN: Is that what you’re here for?

  MAGGIE: No.

  (BROWN finishes off the painting and stands back.)

  BROWN: There.

  MAGGIE: It’s lovely.

  BROWN: Yes. Quite good. It’ll be nice, to sit here inside my painting. I’ll enjoy that.

  SCENE 17

  The hospital office. The DOCTOR is on the phone.

  DOCTOR: … Brown. John Brown – yes, he was here before, a long time ago – we’ve got him in the records – Mmm – and an address. We’ll start checking … there must be somebody …

  SCENE 18

  Brown’s ward. The walls are covered with paintings. BROWN is sitting on the bed. The door opens and a strange nurse – NURSE JONES – enters with Brown’s lunch on a tray.

  JONES: Are you ready for lunch –? (Sees the painting.) My, my, aren’t you clever – it’s better than anyone would have thought.

  BROWN: Where’s Maggie?

  JONES: Nurse Coates? I don’t know.

  BROWN: But – she’s my nurse.

  JONES: Yours? Well, she’s everybody’s.

  BROWN: (Worried) You don’t understand – she’s looking after me, you see.

  (The DOCTOR enters; NURSE JONES leaves.)

  DOCTOR: (Cheerful) Well, Mr Brown, good news.

  BROWN: (Wary) Yes?

  DOCTOR: You’re going to have visitors.

  BROWN: Visitors?

  DOCTOR: Your sister Mabel and her husband. They were amazed to hear from you.

  BROWN: They didn’t hear from me.

  DOCTOR: They’re travelling up tomorrow. All your friends had been wondering where you’d got to –

  BROWN: Where’s Nurse Coates gone?

  DOCTOR: Nowhere. She’s round about. I think she’s on nights downstairs this week. I understand that you were here once before – as a child.

  BROWN: Yes. (Angrily) You couldn’t leave well alone, could you?

  DOCTOR: (Pause; not phoney any more) It’s not enough, Mr Brown. You’ve got to … connect …

  SCENE 19

  The hospital office. BROWN appears, dressed, carrying his bags, from the direction of his room. He sees MAGGIE and stops. She sees him.

  MAGGIE: Brownie! Where are you going?

  BROWN: Back.

  MAGGIE: Back where?

  (He does not answer.)

  You blame me?

  BROWN: No. No. I don’t really. You had to tell them, didn’t you?

  MAGGIE: I’m sorry – I –

  BROWN: You thought it was for the best.

  MAGGIE: Yes, I did. I still do. It’s not good for you, what you’re doing.

  BROWN: How do you know? – you mean it wouldn’t be good for you. How do you know what’s good for me?

  MAGGIE: They’re coming tomorrow. Family, friends; isn’t that good?

  BROWN: I could have found them, if I’d wanted. I didn’t come here for that. (Comes up to her.) They won. (Looks out through the front doors.) I feel I should breathe in before going out there.

  MAGGIE: I can’t let you go, Brownie.

  BROWN: (Gently mocking) Regulations?

  MAGGIE: I can’t.

  BROWN: I’m free to come and go. I’m paying.

  MAGGIE: I know – but it is a hospital.

  BROWN: (Smiles briefly) I’m not ill. Don’t wake the doctor, he doesn’t like being woken. (Moves.) Don’t be sorry – I had a good time here with you. Do you think they’ll leave my painting?

  MAGGIE: Brownie …

  BROWN: Trouble is, I’ve always been so well. If I’d been sick I would have been all right.

  (He goes out into the night.)

  TEETH

  CHARACTERS

  GEORGE POLLOCK

  early thirties, a saloon-bar Lothario, handsome, big white smile

  HARRY DUNN

  the dentist; smaller, middle thirties, very clean and pink, light-framed spectacles; tight, even white smile

  THE WIFE

  thirty, white housecoat (dental receptionist), neat, hair in bun, good teeth

  AGNES

  young spinster, on the shelf, sad

  FLORA

  a bit older, same boat

  Teeth was first transmitted in February 1967 by the BBC. The cast included:

  GEORGE POLLOCK John Stride

  HARRY DUNN John Wood

  THE WIFE Andre Melly

  PRODUCER Graeme McDonald

  DIRECTOR Alan Gibson

  The waiting room.

  Tatty furniture, ancient magazines.

  Three people.

  AGNES and FLORA sit together, conspiratorially, on a settee, speaking quietly, on the borderline of audibility as far as GEORGE POLLOCK is concerned. From behind his illustrated paper he eavesdrops, his eyes switching over the top of his paper. That is to say, we see the paper first (it is Woman’s Own) and then GEORGE peeps from behind it. We note, now or later, that he has been studying a bra-and-panty ad. But AGNES is coming through now.

  AGNES: The first thing I thought was – I’ll have to kill myself now.

  FLORA: No!

  AGNES: Oh yes. I knew it was the end. And it was the real thing for me.

  FLORA: He wasn’t worth it.

  AGNES: (Sighs) I don’t know. There never was another for me.

  FLORA: Plenty of fish in the sea, I say.

  AGNES: Different kettle altogether. Yes, I seriously considered it.

  That’ll teach him, I thought.

  FLORA: What’ll?

  AGNES: Killing myself.

  FLORA: Ah. Serve him right.

  AGNES: Yes, it would’ve. You’ll be sorry, I thought, Jack Stevens – then you’ll know. (Sighs again.) Yes, I came close; I wouldn’t be here today if we hadn’t been all-electric.

  FLORA: (Nods sympathetically) He was luckier than he knew.

  AGNES: He would’ve carried his burden of guilt to his grave … instead of which he’s got a very nice trading station in the China Seas. (A reprise) … You’ll be sorry, Jack Stevens – then you’ll know what you’ve done.

  FLORA: What brought it about, then?

  AGNES: (Leans closer with meaningful intent) Walked into the bathroom without knocking.

  FLORA: No!

  AGNES: Without so much as a by your leave.

  FLORA: Disgusting.

  AGNES: Said he didn’t know I was in there.

  FLORA: Wells he would, wouldn’t he?

  AGNES: And he did.

  FLORA: What did you do?

  AGNES: Turned my back quick as a flash. But he’d seen.

  FLORA: He knew what he was doing all right.

  AGNES: ‘Agnes,’ he said, ‘what have you done to your teeth?!’

  (Pause.)

  FLORA: Teeth?

  AGNES: I was brushing my teeth after dinner. It’s only the two middle ones that come out – the rest’s my own, what there is, but of course it’s the gap, isn’t it?

  FLORA: Oh yes. It’s the gap that’d give you away.

  AGNES: (Recalling it with tragic clarity) ‘Agnes, … what have you done to your teeth?!’ … It wasn’t the same after that with Jack Stevens. A week later he’d got his third mate’s papers and he was taken away, over the horizon, by a dirty black tramp – yeh, Irene Castle from Cardiff, I still look out for her.

  FLORA: Got all her own teeth, has she?

  AGNES: ’s
a boat.

  (POLLOCK – hereafter GEORGE – has allowed his curiosity to leave him exposed, ear cocked, eavesdropping. The two women catch him at it. He gives them a great white smile.

  The door into the reception room opens. The receptionist (the WIFE) does not notice GEORGE at first and seems about to summon one of the two women. But GEORGE has stood up. The WIFE is somewhat taken aback but recovers. She changes the summons.)

  WIFE: Er … Mr Pollock …

  (The women stare at the queue-jumper GEORGE as he follows the WIFE, smiling.)

  (To the women) Mr Dunn won’t keep you a moment …

  (GEORGE and the WIFE go into the reception room. As soon as the door is closed behind them, the WIFE turns to him in urgent enquiry, keeping her voice down.)

  What’s the matter?

  GEORGE: Nothing – I mean –

  WIFE: You shouldn’t come here –

  (She glances at the second closed door, which leads into the surgery.)

  GEORGE: Why not?

  WIFE: I’m not impressed – just because you’ve got a guilty conscience –

  GEORGE: No …

  WIFE: Well, you should have –

  GEORGE: I’m sorry, lover – I was terribly disappointed myself really disappointed.

  WIFE: And don’t call me lover –

  GEORGE: I’m sorry – (Tries to touch) Who gave you those earrings –?

  WIFE: (Moves away) You let me down –

  GEORGE: I had to demonstrate a new line – there was big money involved – They [earrings] aren’t real pearl, are they? Can’t be –

  WIFE: You’ve got another on the side – How many sides have you got?

  GEORGE: Oh now, that’s cynical, that is –

  WIFE: Yesterday of all days –

  GEORGE: Listen, you mustn’t be so possessive – who gave you those earrings?

  WIFE: A very good friend.

  GEORGE: Don’t give me that – you’re a respectable married woman. It was Harry, was it?

  WIFE: It was my birthday –

  GEORGE: I know it was your birthday – I told you I couldn’t get away.

  WIFE: You can get away when it suits you – You’re going off me.

  GEORGE: How could I? – Think of last Saturday after tea – it doesn’t add up –

  WIFE: Lust –

  GEORGE: Oh, I’m hurt –

  WIFE: I knew it was a mistake –

  GEORGE: Don’t let’s have regrets –

  WIFE: Don’t make me laugh –

  GEORGE: Don’t cry –

  WIFE: You make me sick. I don’t care anyway – I’ve been looking about, too, you know –

  GEORGE: No, I bet it was Harry – Very nice, too – cultured, of course [the earrings] –

  WIFE: Think you can get away with anything – will you please stop grinning!

  GEORGE: Smiling – I’ve got a nice smile – Come here, you misguided sexy insatiable receptionist you –

  (He reaches to touch her; she recoils. Eyes on surgery door.)

  WIFE: For goodness’ sake!

  GEORGE: He can’t hear us.

  WIFE: Anyway, I’m working –

  GEORGE: Live dangerously – let yourself go –

  WIFE: Oh, give over –

  GEORGE: You like my smile really – it’s one of the two things you like about me –

  WIFE: You’re only like this when you’re trying to make up –

  GEORGE: We’re friends again, aren’t we?

  WIFE: Are we?

  GEORGE: Kiss and make up –

  WIFE: Listen, you can’t carry on like that here –

  GEORGE: Don’t worry about him –

  WIFE: You’ve got to go now – you shouldn’t have come – there are patients waiting –

  GEORGE: I’m a patient –

  WIFE: Please, George – they’ve got appointments –

  GEORGE: I’ve got an appointment –

  WIFE: You haven’t –

  GEORGE: Yes I have –

  WIFE: What for?

  GEORGE: Teeth.

  WIFE: You’ve got toothache?

  GEORGE: No, it’s my check-up. Six-monthly.

  WIFE: It’s not. (Going to her desk diary.)

  GEORGE: Yes it is – would you care to examine me?

  WIFE: Oh, stop it, will you? – (Scanning the diary) I can’t find it –

  GEORGE: There was a reminder at the office –

  WIFE: What reminder?

  GEORGE: My appointment. I can see the system’s cracking up – you can’t keep your mind on it, or off the other.

  WIFE: I thought you came to see me – I thought you came to be nice –

  GEORGE: I am being nice – I’m charming the pants off you – that’s what brought us together.

  (He advances, she backs, glancing at the surgery door.)

  WIFE: You make me ashamed.

  (The surgery door opens; the WIFE jumps; HARRY DUNN smiles.)

  Look who’s here, Harry.

  HARRY: Hello, George. Nice to see you.

  GEORGE: How are you, Harry?

  HARRY: Ready and waiting.

  WIFE: I’m sorry – we were –

  GEORGE: Having a natter.

  HARRY: Right you are. Well, come on in. (To the WIFE) Tell you what – as it’s George, while I’m just giving him the once-over, could you carry on with the files. I’ll give you a buzz if there’s any concrete to be mixed.

  GEORGE: You won’t find much wrong with my choppers.

  HARRY: (To the WIFE) In flashing form, is he?

  GEORGE: Ooh, he’s wicked, isn’t he?

  (The WIFE smiles wanly. The two men go into the surgery, HARRY closing the door. HARRY has a full complement of dental apparatus. It is a good-sized surgery, and the chair and machine sit in a good space, silent, waiting, ready for GEORGE. HARRY and GEORGE look at it a moment, as though the apparatus were a third occupant.) Well …

  (He goes to meet it. Sits in the chair. There is some little ‘business’ over the first few lines of dialogue: principally, HARRY is sorting and readying a few shiny metal implements, and he fixes the paper-towel bib round GEORGE’s neck.

  The machine is a modern one. Its body holds two or three squirters, rather like the nozzle of a petrol pump, only the rubber tube attached disappears into the machine when the nozzle is not in use: plus a swivel table for the tools: and the big praying-mantis leg of the high-speed drill.

  HARRY should make use of all his took and nozzles, squirting air and water, swivelling, drilling, etc. The point is that HARRY is playing with GEORGE. The dental procedure does not have to he authentic or accurate. The director and actors can assume that there is nothing much wrong with GEORGE’s teeth, and that there is a logical rationalization for using the machine indiscriminately for effect.)

  HARRY: Haven’t seen you for a while.

  GEORGE: No – you know how it is. I’ve hardly had time to turn round.

  HARRY: Hard at it, are you?

  GEORGE: My life’s not my own.

  HARRY: Yes, I was only saying to Prudence – we haven’t seen George for ages.

  GEORGE: Yes, we’ll have to get together.

  HARRY: Of course, we lead a very quiet life compared to yours, I expect.

  GEORGE: I’m never at home.

  HARRY: Out and about, on the town – that’s George all over – I told Prudence.

  GEORGE: On the job.

  HARRY: Lovely work if you can get it. Mind you, we haven’t had a lot of chance anyway – with Prudence going to the evening classes.

  GEORGE: Oh yes.

  HARRY: Did you know about that?

  GEORGE: Er … no.

  HARRY: Shows how long it is since we had you round. Now, let’s have a look at you.

  (GEORGE opens his mouth. HARRY peers and probes …)

  … Yes, there’s her flower-arranging … dressmaking – I don’t know, she shouldn’t be bored – I mean, she’s a career woman really – but she’s got to fill up her life. And
then there’s her charity work … did you know about her charity work?

  GEORGE: (Signifies denial) Ughnugh.

  HARRY: Must have been soon after we last saw you that she took it up. Helps with old people, once or twice a week, takes them about, cheers them up, poor things. She’s more out than in … Still, it’s only a matter of time till I’m an old person so I expect she’ll have more time for me then …

  (Smiles; withdraws.)

  (GEORGE closes his mouth. Reaches for the mouthwash.)

  GEORGE: Well, mud in your eye, Harry – I see it’s your round.

  (GEORGE washes out his mouth and sits back.)

  HARRY: No wonder she’s so tired.

  GEORGE: What?

  HARRY: Prudence. Yes, I was only saying to her – it’s about time we had George and Mary round for a game of cards. We used to enjoy that. Lovely girl, Mary – one of the best. Just as well she’s a working wife, I suppose.

  GEORGE: How do you mean?

  HARRY: How’s your social life?

  GEORGE: Oh, very quiet.

  HARRY: Quiet evenings at home.

  GEORGE: That sort of thing. Only I’m never there. That’s why they’re quiet.

  (He starts to laugh, but has to open his mouth for HARRY.)

  HARRY: Yes, just as well for Mary – she’s not the sort to sit around the house …

  (He probes.)

  You’ve been letting yourself go a bit, haven’t you?

  (GEORGE’s worried eyes.)

  I’m glad you came in today – this is a serious warning, George. You think what people can’t see isn’t happening – but it all comes out in the end. Your sins always find you out.

  (GEORGE’s eyes; HARRY probes.)

  I can spot the signs you know, a mile off, so you better watch it, hadn’t you? I must say, I wouldn’t have thought it of you.

  (He withdraws long enough for –)

  GEORGE: Now hold on, Harry –

  (HARRY flicks on the spotlight. The glare is in GEORGE’s eyes. GEORGE grips the sides of the chair.)

  HARRY: I’m giving you fair warning – and Mary wouldn’t thank you for it if it came to the worst, would she?

  GEORGE: Look here –

  (HARRY squirts.)

  HARRY: Gums – it’s your gums you have to watch, they’re the ones doing it. You haven’t been taking my advice – I told you: daily massage and woodpoints in the crannies. If your gums go then the lot goes. (He withdraws.) A serious warning, George.