Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves)

by Marie Jem

  I walked inside the building into what seemed like a front desk or reception area. Kristen was waiting for me and greeted me with excitement, “Claire! I’m so happy to see you. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” she asked. Kristen was a tall, beautiful dark blond with brown eyes and a beautiful body, since she had never quit dancing like I had.

  “Yes, it has been a long time. I’m so glad to see you again,” I replied, as we hugged for what seemed like minutes.

  A very beautiful older woman entered the reception area. She had perfect posture and carried herself very gracefully. “Hello, you must be Kristen’s friend Claire. I’m Julietta Mancini,” she said, extending her hand to greet me, “Welcome to Mancini Dance Studio,” she added with a smile.

  “Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Mancini,” I replied, shaking her hand. Julietta was the owner of the dance studio. Kristen had filled me in on the minor details before my visit. Julietta asked Kristen to show me around the studio, so we walked out of the reception area and into the studio. I was in awe of the size and modern appeal of the studio. The floors were shiny lacquered maple and the walls were all mirror and glass. The second floor was a huge loft area with a ballet bar on each side and a sitting area right in the middle, similar to a lounge. There were two stairways, one on each side that led to the loft area. After the tour, Kristen escorted me back to Julietta, so I could fill out the paperwork. I filled out the simple information that was required such as emergency contact information, medical conditions, history of dance lessons, and other basic information.

  I handed the paperwork to Julietta after I completed it and she looked over it quickly to make sure the important information hadn’t been missed.

  “Oh my, this is funny. You have almost the same exact birthday as my son, Stefano. You are just one day younger than him,” she said, smiling. “Everything looks good, my dear. Which classes do you have an interest in? Here is a schedule of classes we offer,” she said, handing me a class schedule. I had done so much ballet and jazz in my life that I thought it would be a nice change to do hip hop. I hadn’t taken too many hip hop classes and I really liked it. Julietta asked me to return the next day in comfortable dance attire, so her instructors could evaluate me and see which class would be best for me. Kristen was happy we would be dancing together, since she was in the hip hop class that I wanted to sign up for.

  I said goodbye to Kristen and thanked Julietta for her assistance and let them know that I would see them the following day at the same time. I was happy on the drive home. I had really liked the studio and felt comfortable there. My mother called me on my way home and I told her about the dance studio and how I would be taking classes. She was very happy for me, since she knew it was my passion to dance. She asked that I stop by for dinner on my way home. I accepted and drove straight to their house.

  The aroma of pasta filled the air when I walked into the house. “Hi sweetheart,” my mother said, kissing me on the cheek.

  “Hi, mom. Smells really good. Hi dad. How is everything?” I asked.

  “We’re happy to see you, honey. Your mother said you are going to dance again. That’s good because I know how much you like it. What about Alex? You’re not going to have that much time for him,” he said. I had forgotten that my parents didn’t know about Alex and I.

  “Oh, uh, uh, we aren’t together anymore, dad,” I replied.

  “You and Alex?” my mother heard my conversation with my father.

  “Yes. It’s complicated. I really don’t want to discuss it,” I said.

  “Were you two having problems, Claire? Is that why you were losing weight?” asked my mother.

  “No, that wasn’t the reason, mom. That was just anxiety, I guess. Alex turned out to be married,” I said, looking down.

  “Married?” my mother gasped.

  “What? I don’t think I heard you correctly. Did you say Alex is married?” asked my father.

  “It’s been a very hard week for me. All I know is that he is married and his wife was being treated somewhere for some condition she has and in the meantime he was with me. So I guess that makes me the mistress or whatever. I really don’t want to talk about it,” I said, my eyes tearing.

  “My goodness, and I thought he was the perfect guy for you, Claire. This is just unbelievable. I’m having a very difficult time absorbing all this. It was obvious from his eyes and the way he looked at you that you were the only woman that ever existed in this world for him. I’m just so shocked. He’s married to an ill woman? It just all seems crazy. It’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to say anymore,” she said, consoling me.

  “That bastard,” my father mumbled under his nose.

  “Let’s eat. I’m so happy you’re here, Claire. Just take it one day at a time. If you need to talk, we are here for you. You’re not alone and never will be. Just because you live away from us doesn’t mean you can’t come here every day if you need us. We love you,” my mother assured.

  My parents respected my wishes and did not mention Alex the rest of the time I was there. I actually ate a little more than usual. On my way out, my parents reassured me that they were there for me whenever I needed to talk, especially my mother the psychiatrist. She was always more than willing to hear about my problems and try to help me fix them. I knew I would be fine again someday. I would find clarity through the dense fog.

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  When I went home, I washed my bed one more time, trying to get Alex’s scent off my sheets, so I could possibly sleep in my bed again. I was tired of sleeping downstairs on the couch and my back was beginning to ache from it. I washed and dried the sheets and put the bed back together. I took a warm bath, stepped into my pajamas and tried to sleep in my bed. I was unable to sleep. All I did was sob until my head began to hurt and my eyes began to burn. I went downstairs, opened a bottle of wine and turned on the television. After a few glasses of wine, I was out like a light. I woke up screaming in the middle of the night due to the same nightmare. Alex was in it again, catching me from behind. I wished he would leave my nightmare. I wished I would never have to see him again. I wished many things, but did not anticipate any of them to come true anytime soon.

  In the morning I made myself a protein smoothie before I headed out. I needed my energy, especially if I was going to dance that evening. I was determined to get better and put on a few healthy pounds. My heart sank when I recalled the meeting that was scheduled for the following morning. I would get through it, I thought. I had no choice but to face Alex on a regular basis. I blamed myself for not going with my gut feeling and declining his date offers when I realized we worked together.

  Chapter 12

  I drank the entire protein smoothie on the way to work. I instantly felt the energy and had a feeling it was going to be a pretty good day. Laura even mentioned that I looked happier than I had in while. I was counting the minutes until five o’clock, so I could go to the dance studio. Laura and I went to the Cuban deli for lunch and I was able to finish more than half of my sandwich. My appetite was returning and I was ecstatic about that because it meant that I was healing. I would soon be the old Claire again.

  Five o’clock rolled around rather quickly and I rushed to the ladies room to change out of my work clothes and into my dance clothes. I drove to the studio and made it just in time. Julietta greeted me, since she was at the front desk. “Hello, Claire. You look adorable in your dance attire. Right this way, please. My son, Stefano is here today. Remember yesterday I told you about having almost the same birthday as him?” she beamed. “He helps out around the studio and teaches some classes, so he will be evaluating your dance skills today for the hip hop class to see what level you may be,” she explained.

  I looked for Kristen, but didn’t see her anywhere. Julietta escorted me towards Stefano. He stood very tall with the perfect dancer’s body. His hair was dark and his eyes hazel. He had quite a bit of tattoos and seemed to have an edge about him that made him very interesting. “Stefano, this is Clair
e,” Julietta began. “You know, her birthday is only one day after yours and you were both born the same year,” she explained.

  “Hi, Claire. Nice to meet you,” he said with such an adorable smile, a dimple revealed on his left cheek. Stefano had to have one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen.

  “Claire, hey girl,” Kristen approached us.

  “Hi, Kristen,” I smiled. “I was looking for you,” I added.

  “I was in the potty,” she laughed. She pulled me aside and filled me in on Stefano. She told me Stefano was a choreographer and back up dancer to Madonna, Lady Gaga, and other popular pop and hip hop artists and that he only taught a few classes at the studio to help out his mother. I was very impressed, but did not want to make any shocking faces, so Stefano didn’t know Kristen was talking about him.

  “Claire, let’s start,” he said. “I’m going to show you a short routine and I want you to do it right after me. Got it?” he asked. I nodded. I watched Stefano do his routine, trying to memorize every move. It was my turn to do the same routine as best as I could. After I was done, Stefano applauded, “Very good, Claire. You didn’t miss a beat,” he said. He then did a more difficult routine and I had to mimic that one as well. It went better than I had anticipated. I had really missed dancing.

  He told Julietta that I was ready for the six o’clock hip hop class which Kristen was also in. Kristen was jumping up and down with joy. I signed up for that class, which was two days a week. I thought it would be the perfect combination with yoga that I could do at home on the other nights. I stayed for the class that was about to start soon. Stefano was a very good instructor. He made it very easy to learn new moves that I hadn’t tried before. He seemed very patient and easy going.

  “Psst, Claire,” Kristen tried to get my attention.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “I think Stefano has the hots for you,” she whispered.

  “No he doesn’t, stop distracting me,” I replied. Stefano did not treat me any different than the other girls in the class.

  “I caught him totally checking you out when you weren’t looking,” she explained.

  “Yes, he was looking at me to make sure I was on the right track with the moves, dummy,” I replied.

  “Yeah, whatever, Claire. I’m never wrong,” she said and continued dancing. I sweat more than I had in a very long time. I enjoyed being at the studio and decided to sign up for the ballet class as well. I would be dancing four nights a week, two nights of hip hop and two nights of ballet. I hadn’t done pointe in a long time, but I still had my shoes. Julietta asked that I bring them with me the following day, so they could see what level I was at.

  I couldn’t wait to get home and soak in the warm bathtub. I felt so tired after the bath that I thought I could fall asleep in my bed. It wasn’t until thirty minutes later that I jumped out of the bed and went downstairs to the couch. I really missed sleeping in a bed and wondered when I would be able to enjoy the comfort of my mattress again. I soon surrendered to sleep on the couch with the television on and an empty wine glass by my side.

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  I woke up thirty minutes earlier the following morning, since I had to set up for the surgeon’s meeting. I was dragging my feet because I did not want to be in the same room with Alex. I did not want to run way from everything by asking Laura to cover the meeting for me. It wouldn’t be fair to her and it would send the wrong messages to Walter. I didn’t want my personal life to get in the way of my career. I made my protein shake, got dressed and headed out.

  The breakfast and coffee I had ordered for the meeting had already arrived before I got to work. I logged on to my computer, got organized and headed to the conference room to set up. I opened the conference room door to find Alex sitting at the conference table, thirty minutes early for the meeting.

  “Good morning,” he said as soon as I walked in.

  “Good morning, Alex. Aren’t you a little too early for the meeting?” I asked.

  “Look, Claire, I thought we could talk for a few minutes. I really need to explain everything to you,” he replied.

  “Talk? What would you like to talk about, Alex, the fact that you’re married? Would you like to talk about your wife now and tell me everything that you should have told me months ago? Let’s talk about why I can’t even sleep in my bed at night because it reminds me of you. Let’s talk about how I’ve been sleeping on the sofa with an empty bottle of wine in my hand every night. You don’t need to be here for another thirty minutes, so just give me a little space to set up for this damn meeting. Could you please do that for me rather than bringing up something that I can’t handle talking about without feeling a stabbing pain in my heart?” I asked. Alex could see that I was furious. Sadness had filled his eyes as he slowly got up from his seat and left the conference room.

  I continued to set up the food, coffee and my laptop for the meeting. I had some time to kill, so I went back to my desk to take a few deep breaths and gather myself before the meeting began. Laura wished me luck and told me I could get her to continue taking notes for me if I felt the least bit uncomfortable. Mark was the first to arrive, followed by Taryn. This time, Alex was the last to arrive. He was ten minutes late, which wasn’t like him at all. He must have taken what I said pretty hard. Taryn had saved a seat right next to her for Alex, but he sat far away from her, on the other side of the conference table. She looked a little surprised when he took a seat so far away from her and Mark. Four more surgeons arrived after Alex and Walter began the meeting. I noticed Taryn glaring at me as usual, but this time she looked very happy. I knew her newly found happiness had to do with the fact that Alex and I were no longer together.

  I could feel Alex watching me during the meeting. It was such an uncomfortable feeling that I thought about leaving the conference room and getting Laura. But I held myself together and survived.

  After the meeting was over, Taryn turned over to me, “Claire, why don’t you be a doll and pour a cup of coffee for me,” she said. I wanted to reach across the conference table and pull out her hair, but I knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted me to react, so I took another route.

  “Of course, Taryn. Would you like regular or decaf?” I asked, kindly. She looked surprised. She was not expecting such a sweet response from me. I poured her the coffee of her choice. Most of the surgeons left right after the meeting, taking their breakfast and coffee to go due to their busy schedule. Walter, Taryn and Mark left after them, leaving only Alex and I. I ignored his presence and went about cleaning up and shutting down my laptop and the projector.

  “You’re making my life hell, you know that?” I asked him.

  “I’m sorry, but I feel like I have to corner you in a conference room to get a few words in with you,” he replied. My cell phone rang and I noticed it was detective Keller, the one who was handling my case and looking for the man who had attacked me years ago.

  “It’s detective Keller. What does he want?” I asked. “Hello?” I answered my phone with a shaky voice.

  “Hi Miss Morgan, it’s Keller here. I need you to come to the station to make a positive identification. I think we may have that creep who attacked you,” he said.

  “Uh, okay, um, right now?” I said, beginning to shake.

  “Yes, it’s important that you come now,” he replied.

  “Uh, yes, okay. I will be there as soon as I can,” I replied.

  As soon as I hung up, I looked up at Alex and could not speak. My heart was beating so quickly that I had a difficult time making out words.

  “Claire, what is it? What did he say?” he asked.

  “He thinks they f-found him. He needs me to make a positive identification at the station,” I replied.

  Alex stood up, “I’m going with you,” he demanded.

  “No, I don’t want you to come with me. I will go on my own,” I replied sternly.

  “Claire, please, you’re shaking like a leaf. I will drive you there. You are in n
o state to be driving right now. I don’t have any surgeries until Monday. Please let me just do this for you at least as a friend. I promise, we won’t talk about anything. I will just drive you there and back,” he pleaded.

  I wanted to say no, but I knew I could not drive because I was shaking from fear. I clearly could not look at that man’s face alone, without anyone there with me who knew my story.

  “Fine,” I replied. “Meet me downstairs. I have to tell Walter and Laura that I need to leave,” I said.

  I let Walter and Laura know that I had an emergency, but would return as soon as it was handled. I met Alex downstairs by the elevators and we walked to his car as he drove to the police station in Calabasas. Alex was very quiet on the way to the station. He probably knew that if he tried to talk about what he wanted to talk about, I would be upset. I was so nervous, with a million knots tightening inside my stomach. I hoped this was it, that he was finally captured. There had been a few false alarms before, but I hoped God had finally answered my prayers this time.

  “It’s going to be okay, Claire. Don’t worry. It’s finally going to be over,” Alex assured.

  I took a deep breath, “I sure hope so,” I replied.

  Alex pulled into the police station parking lot in Calabasas, not too far from my parents’ house. A receptionist greeted us as we went inside the station.

  “I’m here to see detective Keller. My name is Claire Morgan,” I said, barely audible.

  She led Alex and I to the back where we met detective Keller, “Miss Morgan, I’m almost positive that this is the same jerk who attacked you. Follow me, please,” he commanded.

  He led us into a room I was very familiar with. There was a large window that we could see through to the other room, but those in the other room could not see us. There were horizontal lines painted on the wall to see the height of the criminal. The room was well lit to make it easier to see. My palms began to sweat and Alex grabbed a hold of both of my shoulders from behind to calm me down. A tall man walked into the room and was commanded to stand, facing the window. My heart began to beat very fast. I took one good look at him and knew it.