Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves)

by Marie Jem

  “Don’t give in, Alex. She will end up falling deeper into the drugs,” I advised.

  “I know. I keep thinking what a waste of time and effort it was to put her in that ninety-day rehab. She was supposed to kick the habit completely. It’s just so unfortunate. It breaks my heart to know how addicted she is. Although I’m not in love with her anymore, I did love her once and I do care about what happens to her,” he confessed.

  “I’m sorry, Alex. I wish there was something more you could do for her, but she has to want to change. No matter how hard everyone around her tries, in the end it is she that has to want to change her life. You have done so much to help her,” I replied. I could see the worry in his eyes. I felt as though there was more to their conversation that he wasn’t telling me. He sighed and stood up, taking my hand and walking me inside.

  “It’s cold out there. I don’t want you to get sick,” he said. “Let’s go to sleep, baby. It’s getting late,” he added and escorted me upstairs. Alex took a shower while I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. I noticed how clear my skin had been when I looked in the mirror. I always had very good skin, but the pregnancy made my skin even clearer, like porcelain. I guess that’s what they called “pregnancy glow”.

  I crawled into bed so glad the day had come to an end because I felt exhausted. Alex joined me after he finished showering. His body was very hot as usual, since he took scalding hot showers. I was feeling cold, so his warm body was very welcoming. He pressed his hot, moist lips against mine as my lips parted, allowing his tongue to gently move into my mouth and meet mine. He put his hand on the small of my back, pulling my body closer to his. I could feel his hardness against my body and his warm breath on my lips.

  I was completely naked in only a matter of seconds. His kisses multiplied, heading lower and lower until his warm lips were down between my legs and his tongue began to move in circles, making it difficult for me to stay still. His kisses moved back up to my abdomen, then my breasts, then to my neck and finally made their way back to my lips as he penetrated into me. My fingers dug into his back as he entered deeper, as he took me on a trip to ecstasy. He moved so slowly and gently, as if he were afraid I would fall apart if he were a bit rough. His warm breath in my ear sent shivers down my spine. His kisses moved toward my neck once again and made their way back to my lips. My heart began to race like never before as I came. His groans were followed by, “You’re even more intoxicating than I thought.”

  “It may have been intoxicating for you, Alex, but it was definitely mind altering for me,” I clarified. It took quite some time for my heart rate to return to normal. Alex ran his fingers through my hair, causing me to get very drowsy.

  “I love you, Claire. I could never stop loving you,” he confessed.

  “Likewise, Alex,” I said as I drifted off into the land of sleep.

  <><><>

  We carpooled to work that morning since Alex didn’t have to be in the operating room on Fridays. I tried so hard to stay awake, but dozed off while Alex was driving. I had slept well the night before, but sleeping well wasn’t enough. I could have slept all day long if I didn’t have to be at work.

  “Wake up, baby. We’re here,” Alex said after he parked his car in the physician’s only parking spot. I opened my eyes slowly and peeled myself out of the car. Alex laughed at how sluggish and sleepy I still was.

  “Stop laughing at me, Alex. You put me in this position,” I said, smiling.

  “I thought it took two to tango,” he replied with a grin.

  As I walked into the department, Laura greeted me with a big smile, since it was her favorite day of the week. I started my computer and opened my email to find one from Mark. My heart sank. I was afraid to open it and read it because any email from the man was bad news. I looked over at Laura, but she looked very busy, so I didn’t want to bother her. I clicked on the email and opened it.

  Hello Claire,

  Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know about this email and you’d be wise if you did not share it with him. I just wanted to inform you that I recently saw him lip locking with his ex wife, Angela. It must have been the beginning of this week when you were out sick. You should really look for someone new who wouldn’t be unfaithful to you.

  Mark Kohler, M.D

  Orthopedic Surgeon

  Downtown Memorial Hospital

  I did not know what to make of that email. I felt so down and depressed suddenly. Tears began to build up in my eyes and my heart sank to the floor. I looked over at Laura again who noticed something was wrong.

  “Claire? What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she said.

  I was so upset that I couldn’t even speak. I got up from my chair and asked Laura to sit in it and read the email. She looked shocked as well after reading it.

  “Do you think he’s pulling your leg? It sounds like he wants you two to split up. Don’t buy it, Claire. I don’t think Alex would do that to you, honestly,” she reassured me.

  “But Angela has been calling Alex. He said she called him yesterday asking for money. Maybe he left out details such as other phone calls and meetings he doesn’t want me to know about,” I replied.

  “Why don’t you ask Alex? Casually ask him if he’s seen her recently. You could get information out of him just by curiously asking questions without letting him know about this email,” she said.

  “You’re right. After seeing his reaction to the last email, I’d be crazy if I showed him this one. He might just go ahead and kill Mark,” I said.

  I worked slowly that day, with very minimal energy, listless, and heavy heartedly. Alex asked me to meet him for lunch at the Cuban deli. I didn’t want to, but Laura talked some sense into me.

  “If you want answers from him, Claire, you need to stop running,” she advised. I decided to take her advice and meet Alex for lunch. I didn’t want him to sense anything, as I didn’t want to share Mark’s email with him.

  “Hi, baby,” he smiled when he saw me entering the eatery.

  “Hi yourself,” I replied, smiling back. It was so hard for me to put on a façade and pretend everything was all right.

  “You feeling okay?” he asked.

  “Yes. I’m just a little tired, that’s all,” I said. Had he sensed that I wasn’t myself?

  “The weather’s going to be nice and warm this weekend. Maybe when we get to my place tonight we can hang out on the roof. I think the fresh beach air will be good for you,” he said.

  “That sounds great, Alex. I missed your house. It’s been a few weeks since we’ve stayed there,” I reminded. I tried to throw the email in the back of my mind, so I could enjoy my lunch with Alex before it was time to head back to work.

  When I returned to my desk, Laura questioned me to make sure I didn’t mention anything to Alex and played it off well. I assured her that everything was great. What I didn’t tell her was that I had really bad anxiety. I had a premonition that something awful was going to happen. The feeling frightened me like nothing else could. I was afraid that I would lose my appetite, making it very difficult to get enough nutrition for the baby. My mind was overflowing with horrible thoughts as I worked as best as I could the remainder of that day.

  Laura hugged me before she left and wished me a good weekend. She promised that everything was going to be fine and that she didn’t believe a word in that email. It was soon time for me to head out as well. I met Alex in the parking structure by his car. He was standing outside the passenger side door, waiting for me. He smiled when he saw me and opened the door for me to get in.

  I was quiet during the drive home because I was afraid I would burst into tears if I began to speak. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep to keep from conversing with Alex. When we arrived at his house, he rubbed my cheek with his thumb to let me know we were home. I smiled when I opened my eyes and got out of the car.

  It was so nice to be at Alex’s house. It was too dark outside to enjoy the view of the ocean, but I could hear the
waves crashing into the shore. There wasn’t any fresh food in the house, so he said he would go grocery shopping and bring back food for us to eat for dinner. I was sitting outside on the patio when he kissed me goodbye. “Is there anything you’re craving that I can bring back, baby?” he asked.

  “No, I’m good. Thank you,” I smiled.

  I began to cry after Alex left. My hormones made me more emotional that I normally would have been after reading the email. I went inside and washed up before Alex came back to find me sobbing.

  He returned with a lot of grocery bags and some chicken and pasta that was ready for us to eat. I helped him put away the groceries and set the table. I began to pick at the food, eating very slowly and without an appetite. Alex noticed my lack of appetite.

  “What’s wrong, baby? You’re not hungry?” he asked.

  “I had a big lunch, Alex.” I replied.

  “Not really. You didn’t even finish half of your lunch today,” he said.

  “I’m, uh, I’m feeling a little anxious,” I said.

  “Why the anxiety, baby?” he asked.

  “Alex, I have a premonition that something bad is going to happen,” I confessed.

  “Please don’t feel like that Claire. The last time you felt that way ended up to be horrible,” he said.

  “I can’t help it. Could I ask you a question? But you have to answer one hundred percent honestly,” I commanded.

  “Of course, baby. Ask me anything,” he said.

  “Aside from speaking with Angela on the phone yesterday, have you seen her in person?” I asked.

  “Absolutely not,” he answered so sure of himself.

  “Look, if you’ve seen her, it’s okay. I won’t get upset if you’ve met her for lunch or anything,” I said.

  “Claire, I swear to God I haven’t seen Angela, only spoken with her on the phone about the money she wants. Where is this coming from?” he asked.

  “Nowhere, Alex. I just want this feeling of anxiety to go away. I don’t want things to end like last time, especially with the baby on the way. Just promise me you’re telling me the truth and will always be honest with me no matter how bad the news may be,” I pleaded.

  “I promise, Claire. I have nothing to hide, baby. You know everything about my past with Angela and you will know everything that happens day to day in the present,” he replied.

  “Thanks, Alex. I believe you and trust you. Just don’t break that trust, please,” I said.

  Alex nodded with a worried look on his face. We were both very quiet during dinner. My main focus was how much food I could get into my system, so the baby wouldn’t starve. The high anxiety made it difficult for anything to taste good, but I tried as hard as I could to shove it down.

  After dinner, Alex made me sit on the sofa in the family room with my feet up on the ottoman. I kept telling him that I was only pregnant, not ill, but he wouldn’t listen. After he cleaned up the kitchen, he made some hot tea for us to sip on up on the roof. The weather was beautiful and very warm for November. We sat next to one another and sipped away. I noticed Alex hadn’t been drinking much alcohol as he used to since we found out about the baby. He put his hand on the side of my face and turned my head to face him.

  “Claire, Angela is my past, but you and the baby are my present and my future. You have nothing to worry about,” he reassured, kissing me softly on the lips.

  Chapter 25

  I opened my eyes to the view of the beautiful blue ocean from Alex’s bedroom. How I’d missed waking up to that in the mornings. Alex wasn’t in bed when I turned to kiss him. I smelled an intoxicating aroma of pancakes and stepped out of bed, following the smell all the way to the kitchen where chef Alex was working his magic. Although the food smelled wonderful, my anxiety was still so high that I had difficulty eating. I knew he was watching with worry, so I pretended nothing was wrong and ate as much as I could, which was not even a quarter of what was in the plate.

  “You’re not eating, Claire,” he stated.

  “Yes, I am. It’s just so early and I just got out of bed,” I replied.

  “You weren’t like this last week, baby. You were eating first thing in the morning. What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I don’t know, Alex. I told you I’m very anxious and have a premonition that something awful is going to happen,” I replied.

  “Look,” he said, taking my hand, “nothing is going to happen. Do you hear me? I promise nothing bad is going to happen. It’s just your nervous system and probably the pregnancy. This feeling will go away,” he assured.

  “You said that last time, Alex,” I reminded him.

  He looked down and ate his food. “To change the subject, I kind of slipped our baby news to a few people at work,” he said, looking at me to see my reaction.

  “Alex, we agreed we weren’t going to tell anyone for at least another month. Why did you do that?” I asked.

  “Don’t be mad, baby. I was just so excited that I couldn’t hold it in any longer,” he said.

  “Who did you tell?” I asked, looking him in his bright blue eyes.

  “Just some of the surgeons and Taryn overheard as well,” he said.

  “Oh no. Of all people, Taryn Simmonds has to know before Walter, my boss,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air, defeated.

  “The only person that I accidentally slipped it out to was Laura, and it wasn’t intentional. I had completely forgotten that she didn’t know and casually mentioned it, but you intentionally told your peers. That doesn’t bother me as much as Taryn’s knowledge of my expectancy,” I replied, annoyed.

  Alex noticed how upset I had gotten and tried to change the subject. He wanted to take a walk on the beach after breakfast and go out to dinner that night. After breakfast, I changed into my exercise attire and tennis shoes and joined Alex on a walk along the beach on a beautiful crisp morning.

  “Claire, I think next year is going to be a great one for us. We are going to have a baby and my divorce is going to be finalized. Who could ask for anything more, right?” he asked, smiling, his eyes the brightest shade of blue to match the ocean. I just nodded as my high anxiety told me that things are not going to be as great as Alex thought they would be. I wished I didn’t have these premonitions, as I was never wrong about a gut feeling I had. I just didn’t know what was going to happen. I prayed that Alex and I didn’t separate again because I wouldn’t be able to handle another heartache.

  I didn’t feel like getting dressed up that evening, so I asked Alex if we could go to a small casual eatery in the neighborhood and go back to his place to lounge on the roof, and enjoy the beautiful weather. He agreed to that and took me to a casual place called Moe’s Crab House, which was very close to his house and very low key. I picked at my food as usual, but Alex didn’t give me a hard time. He just watched me as I continued to force a bite at a time into my mouth, not even finishing a fraction of it.

  “I bought bananas from the store last night and I have some frozen berries in the freezer. I will make you a smoothie tomorrow morning to give you energy,” he offered.

  “I’d like that, Alex,” I smiled. I knew the smoothies he used to make for me gave me energy during my anxious, lack of appetite days. After dinner, we headed back home to relax on the roof and look at the stars on a beautiful, clear night in Malibu. Alex made some herbal tea for us to sip on while we enjoyed the evening together.

  “Baby, I’m sorry I told some people at work about the baby. I guess I’m just so happy that I’m having a hard time keeping it to myself,” he apologized.

  “That’s okay, Alex. Spreading the news about my pregnancy is the least of my worries right now. I’m more concerned about my feelings of fear and anxiety than anything,” I said as I tried to hold back the tears, but was unsuccessful, as they began to roll down my cheek.

  Alex put his down his mug of tea and wiped my tears away with his thumbs, “Claire, stop this. Nothing is going to happen. I don’t want to keep telling you that, baby. En
ough with the negativity,” he said sternly and began kissing me passionately. A light breeze passed between us when our lips parted. His eyes told me he wasn’t going to stop after only one kiss. His lips joined mine again, his tongue making its’ way into my mouth slowly. One hand held the back of my head, pulling my face even closer to his as his hunger grew with every passionate second. His other hand unclasped my bra and stripped me of all my clothing. “I want you here, on this roof,” he said with fire in his eyes.

  “O-out here?” I asked.

  “Yes, out here,” he said and kissed me harder, without giving me a chance to speak. He gently pushed my shoulders and gently pushed me down on the sofa as he lie on top of me and pulled a small blanket over us. I could see the stars so clearly in the sky that night as Alex made love to me. I didn’t want that moment to end. He must have known what I was thinking, as he took his time and made sure I enjoyed every second of our lovemaking under the stars, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and a clear view of the full moon. Our bodies began to convulse we came together.

  We fell asleep under the stars that night and Alex had to awaken me in the middle of the night, so we could go inside the house and sleep in the bed. It had gotten very chilly out on the roof. I fell asleep quickly in his arms as soon as my head hit the pillow.

  <><><>

  I was running again. It was that damn nightmare. But this time I wasn’t running alone. I was running with a baby in my arms, my baby. I was being chased and could only see the shadow of the person running after me. I began to approach the white van and sped up to try and pass it as I held on tighter to my baby, fearing the worst. As I almost passed the white van, the side door slid open and two hands reached to grab me. The person chasing me caught me and grabbed me from my waist. I turned to look and it was Alex. My baby began to cry and I awakened with a scream.