Finding Glory

by Sara Arden

  “Sex complicates things.”

  “It can. But sometimes, it’s the right thing.”

  “I feel so guilty.”

  “For what?” Emma gave her a gentle smile. “For living? Your sister made her choices, and you get to make yours. You’ve spent your life taking care of other people and you’ve got years ahead of you raising Amanda Jane. It’s hard and it’s okay to do something for yourself. It’s okay to have needs and it’s okay to fill them.”

  “With Reed?”

  She and Emma looked at each other and laughed.

  “I didn’t even make that dirty joke. I could have, you know,” Emma said.

  “You didn’t have to. I heard it in my head.”

  She handed Emma a suit and after changing, they made their way down to the pool and waited in the shallow end for Amanda Jane. It was several minutes later when she came outside, dragging not only Reed behind her, but Grayson James, as well.

  “I hate that man. It should be a crime for a man who is that much of a bastard to look so good without a shirt,” Emma grumbled.

  Gina had to admit that Reed’s lawyer didn’t look too bad in a pair of swim trunks. Surprisingly, he didn’t look like a lawyer at all. He was scarred, tattooed, and his muscles were born of hard training.

  “And he kissed you.”

  “No, he didn’t.”

  “Yes, he did. Remember? At Frogfest?”

  “I blocked it out.”

  “I wonder if he did.”

  Emma splashed her. “Stop playing matchmaker. I’m not ready.”

  “If you have your own man to keep you busy, you won’t be bothering me about mine.”

  “Fine. I won’t tease you anymore. Just don’t, okay?”

  “Okay.” She put her hand on Emma’s shoulder. “That was teasing, too, Emma. I’m sorry if it upset you.”

  Emma sighed. “I’m just being touchy. Sorry.”

  “Let’s just have fun.”

  But Gina had a feeling that Emma and Grayson could be good together. From the way he was eyeing her friend, maybe he thought so, too.

  “Who knew it would be a party?” Reed shrugged.

  She found herself drawn back in to watching him. The way his muscles rippled, the way the water beaded on his skin, the way his hair looked wet and tousled.

  Amanda Jane jumped in and demanded Reed toss her up in the air again and again.

  This was the life she’d dreamed of.

  This was the life that should’ve been Crystal’s.

  She knew Emma would tell her to stop doing that to herself, but what would Crystal say if she could see her now? Would she be jealous?

  Maybe she wasn’t suffering anymore. Maybe she was in that peaceful place, that land of white and peace that her mother always talked about before she died. Maybe they were together and finally, Crystal wasn’t hurting.

  Or maybe she just wanted to think that so that the guilt for taking everything that belonged to Crystal. No, not just taking it, but for being glad to take it. For wanting it.

  A warmth at her back, a hand on her shoulder. “What’s wrong?” Reed asked her.

  She looked up at him, saw concern in his eyes. Gina decided to be honest. “I was just thinking about Crystal.”

  He nodded solemnly. “I will always be grateful to her for giving me Amanda Jane, but I can’t and won’t wish she was here instead of you.”

  Reed dove under the water and swam toward Amanda Jane. Gina wasn’t sure if he was fleeing her, or what he said, or both.

  She hated that warmth bloomed at his words. She was ashamed that it took her sister’s suffering to get what she wanted.

  But then another voice in her head made itself known. It was cool, calm and logical. It said that she hadn’t sought out her sister’s pain; Crystal had done all this to herself. Taking joy in the life she’d been given and the circumstances she found herself in wasn’t wrong. Who knew how much time any of them had. Should she spend it all lamenting someone else’s choices or should she grab on to her joy with both hands and hold it so tightly that no one and nothing could ever take it away from her?

  That voice sounded a lot like Emma.

  And maybe it was right.

  She looked for her friend and saw that Grayson had her cornered. Gina gave it just a minute to see if it was good cornered or bad cornered—and she lost her window of opportunity. Grayson had grabbed her and hauled her up in the air as if she was nothing but a sack of apples and tossed her shrieking into the deep water.

  Emma came up spluttering with war in her eyes.

  The man himself looked a little afraid, but to his credit, he laughed, daring her to come take her revenge if she could.

  Maybe they would be good for each other and not just because Gina didn’t want to focus on her own situation, but Emma had never been able to find a man who could give her what she dished out, and Grayson James was all of that and then some.

  She’d bet that he was just as fierce in his personal life as he was in his professional life. Emma needed that.

  “Looks like our friends are getting along,” Reed said, as he brought Amanda Jane over on his shoulders.

  “About as well as a cat and a thunderstorm,” she teased.

  “Everyone knows that when a boy likes a girl he pulls her hair or gives her something gross,” Amanda Jane tossed in.

  “Oh, really? And just how do you know this?”

  “There are things a woman just knows,” Amanda Jane replied.

  Gina laughed, but Reed scowled.

  “Are there boys giving you gross things or pulling your hair?”

  “No, Daddy.” She laughed. “And I won’t let him unless he’s a prince. Like you.”

  Watching the emotion that came over Reed’s face at Amanda Jane’s proclamation twisted her heart and her guts. She saw all of his hopes and fears written so plainly that she felt it was almost a trespass to see them.

  But this moment, it wasn’t something she ever expected Amanda Jane to have—a present father figure who adored her more than his own breath.

  Reed was flawed, broken and imperfect—but somehow, that made him utterly perfect.

  That moment was when she knew she was screwed. If she’d had any doubts as to what her feelings for Reed were, they’d just punched out from the darkest corner of her heart to fill her entire being with warmth.

  She was still in love with him.

  No amount of avoidance or deflection was going to change that.

  In that moment, she saw a future. Instead of being a wispy dream or teenage fantasy, it was solid and whole.

  Years down the line, together in this house, they’d be celebrating weddings, graduations, birthdays...they’d have more children together. Big family holiday dinners, romantic vacations...and every time Reed was gone for too long, or every time there was a change in his routine, even though she loved him more than her own life, she’d wonder if he was using.

  This was her almost happily-ever-after.

  She didn’t want that, but she didn’t know how to change it, either. Because even knowing that’s how it would be, she still wanted him. Still loved him.

  And if he did relapse, what would that mean for their children? For her? Would she be committing them to the same life she’d had? Terror knifed at her. She’d always sworn that no child of hers would know what that was like.

  She should run away, take Amanda Jane...

  He turned and smiled at her. “A prince like me, huh? He better be much better than me.”

  Almost as if he knew the bent of her thoughts. That smile, it melted all of her defenses, even when she knew better.

  “Come see, Gina-bee. We’ll have an underwater tea party.”

  Amanda Jane reached out her arms a
nd Gina took her, hugging her closer.

  “Okay, on the count of three, hold your nose and we’ll sit on the bottom.”

  Amanda Jane took a deep breath and the expression on Reed’s face as they slid under the water together was one of a pained knowing.

  They sank down and Gina struggled to keep them down until Reed was gone. She mimicked drinking tea and Amanda Jane did the same, pouring and making silly faces. The chlorine burned her eyes, but she made faces in return until they came up for air, giggling.

  The only thing she loved more than Reed Hollingsworth was his daughter.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  REED KNEW SOMETHING had changed with Gina, something other than their hot night together. Only he couldn’t put his finger on what.

  There was a weight on her shoulders that hadn’t been there before. He tried repeating Gray’s words to him. That he wasn’t responsible for everyone else, that he was trying to take on more than his burden, but he had the distinct feeling that this was his burden.

  After the impromptu pool party, an exhausted Amanda Jane was now snoring in her room, and he knocked on Gina’s door.

  She opened it slowly, and when she looked up at him, he knew he hadn’t been wrong.

  “What did I do?” he asked.

  The corner of her mouth curled up in a self-deprecating grin. “You didn’t do anything.”

  “There’s something bothering you and if I screwed up, I can’t fix it unless you tell me.” He wanted so desperately to make this work, to be the man she needed, to be the father Amanda Jane deserved.

  “I don’t think you can fix it.” Her eyes were wide, almost innocent.

  “Why don’t you tell me about it?”

  “Because it’s going to hurt you.”

  Her words wounded him before they were even a weapon. It was like a casual touch of a razor blade creating a wound that didn’t bleed until after the blade was gone. “Tell me, anyway. I can’t stand the look in your eyes.”

  “And I won’t be able to stand the look in yours.”

  “Let me shoulder some of the burden, Gina. It’s been all yours for far too long.” He wanted to be of use to her. This was where he proved that he was more than a bank account, more than a genetic contributor to Amanda Jane. This was where she would see he was good enough.

  As if those were some kind of magical words, she leaned against him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He touched her hair, stroked her back until she sighed deep.

  “You know, it’s moments like this that I think I’m doing you such a grave disservice in my head.”

  “And other times?” He knew she needed to speak these words, release them because they weighed her down like irons.

  “Other times I’m just afraid,” she whispered into his neck.

  “Of what?” he prodded. Reed knew what she was going to say and there was certainly part of him that didn’t want to hear it. There was no reason to go digging for the knife to put in her hand.

  But the man he wanted to be, the man he was trying so hard to become, he knew this was what she needed. Knew that they had to acknowledge their fears together before they could conquer them.

  She stiffened, but he stroked her again, like he would a cat. “Lean on me, Gina. Let me in.”

  That was what he wanted, to be allowed inside the circle. To really feel as though they were in it together. As it stood at the moment, he felt as if he was here to prove himself. Not that he wouldn’t do the same in her position, but she needed to give him something that showed him that one day, she’d trust him. One day, they’d be a real family—whether they were in a romantic relationship or not.

  And if not, if she couldn’t do that, they needed to talk about what their choices were.

  “I saw a future with you today.”

  He closed his eyes, because he knew exactly where she was going. Reed eased inside the room and closed the door. He didn’t want Amanda Jane to wake up and hear their discussion.

  “You saw a future that you didn’t like.” He prompted her to continue.

  She tightened her embrace, as if she knew her words were going to push him away. “Part of it was really good.”

  “And the other part?”

  “The other part was all doubt and fear.”

  “You can say it, Gina. You should say it. It might hurt me, but it’s the truth. We shouldn’t hide from the truth or be sorry for it.”

  “If you know what I’m going to say, why do you want to hear it?” She looked up at him.

  The conflict in her eyes solidified his position in his own mind. “Because you need to tell me. I can say with absolute surety that I don’t want to hear it, but that doesn’t make it any less true, does it?”

  She touched his face, as if that would somehow soften the blow. “I saw a future with you. I saw years together in this house. I saw us...together.”

  “Together?” He cocked his head to the side.

  “I saw us having children. Holidays. Birthdays. Grandchildren. And I saw the fear tinge everything. That no matter the life we build together, you will always be an addict. I’ll always wonder when everything is going to come apart and when you’re going to use again. Because that’s what addicts do.”

  Hearing that she had so little faith in him was more than a knife, more than a wound. It was something soul deep that he couldn’t begin to quantify.

  “I’m sorry,” she added.

  “I’m not going to tell you I’ve changed. I’m not going to tell you I’m well. But I will tell you that I love Amanda Jane more than anything. I love her more than anything I could ever put in my veins.”

  When she wouldn’t look at him, he said, “It’s okay if you can’t believe that yet. This is all still new for both of us. But I’ll prove it to you.” And to myself.

  “Will you stay here with me?”

  He pulled her down on the bed with him and he tucked her against him, his face buried in the sweet apple scent of her hair.

  “I know you’re a good man,” she said finally. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be here with me now. You wouldn’t let me take a razor to you and ask for more. I’m sorry that I can’t trust anyone. I’m sorry that I’m cruel.”

  “You’re not cruel.” That’s what made it hurt more—it wasn’t an intentional gutting. It was just the nature of the thing. If she’d set out to cut him, he could guard against that. He had armor for that. But this was just how she felt, and she couldn’t change that.

  He shouldn’t have let things go this far with her. He’d be much better off alone in his room thinking about what making love to her would be like, and keeping her at a cool distance. Then, all of his self-doubt would be in his own head rather than echoing in her voice.

  Somehow, it was easier to overcome those things when he thought them alone. He could write them off as his own fear. But hearing it from her...it made the possibility of failure more real. He didn’t have anyone who believed in him but Amanda Jane.

  And he felt that maybe he needed to protect her from herself.

  After all, if she put her faith in a man like him, she was bound to need more looking after.

  “Your heart is beating so hard, I can feel it against my back.”

  It beats for you. It beats for her. All things he wanted to say, but didn’t.

  She rolled over on her back, his hand over her heart. “Mine’s racing, too.”

  “Why?” he asked.

  “You.”

  “Are you afraid of me?” he asked slowly.

  “Afraid of what you make me feel. Of what you make me want. Of the hope that’s been crushed so many times, I don’t know how it ever puts itself back together.”

  “I’m not going to fail you. You’ll see.” In that moment, he meant it. In that moment, there wa
s nothing that could stop him.

  “What about if I fail you?” she asked.

  “Not possible.”

  “You sound so sure. I feel like I’ve failed you already. Relationships have to be founded on trust and that’s something we don’t have. Not yet. We have heat. We have fire, but a flame can’t burn forever and I don’t think I can turn back now.”

  “I am sure, Gina. You’ve always been the one to depend on. Always.” So many things roiled up inside him in a bittersweet brew.

  “When you’re close to me like this, all I can think about is touching you.”

  “It’s good to know I’m not the only one,” he teased, trying to lighten the moment, but it didn’t work. It only intensified the tension between them, only added kindling to the fire burning between them. The one that she was so sure would burn out. Reed was sure it would consume him whole before that happened.

  She shook her head slowly. “No, it’s all I can think about when you’re not close, too.”

  “Then touch me.” He knew better. He’d regretted sleeping with her before and he’d regret it again. Reed wanted this with her more than anything, but he wanted it to be because she felt something for him. Not seeking comfort, or fulfilling desire, but that something deeper he knew wasn’t there.

  She pushed her hands up under his T-shirt, over his chest, his back, his shoulders. He liked how she looked at him, the way her hands felt as she explored him. Gina tugged his shirt up over his head and rolled so that he was on his back and she straddled him. She bent to kiss his neck—his chest.

  Her mouth was hot and decadent, traveling down his torso. She seemed to take great delight in the abs he’d worked so hard for, her fingers lingering at the waist of the soft cotton lounge pants he wore. As if she were afraid to go lower, as if she wasn’t sure of what he’d do. Or what she’d find.

  His fingers closed gently around her wrist and he guided her hand lower. He knew better, he did. This wasn’t the answer to their problems, but if pleasure was their only other common ground, he’d take it.

  She cupped him through the thin material, stroked her hand over him. He arched his hips up into the caress, and she tugged his pants down and took him into her mouth.