by Sara Arden
“Okay.” He nodded. It was something that they both needed. A break from the pain, a break from the sorrow and regret, and maybe they’d be able to find some hope together.
“I’m so hungry,” Amanda Jane called from the dining room.
Gina laughed. “It’s coming.”
He found himself staring at her, just enjoying the way she moved.
“What are you doing?” She blushed and fumbled with a spoon.
“Just thinking that I’m hungry, too.” It had been a long time since he’d looked forward to a meal the way he looked forward to this one.
This was what his dreams had been made of as a kid. It wasn’t fancy, it wasn’t extravagant. It was just a family meal. Simple, home cooking with the people he loved. No strangers that he wasn’t supposed to anger or they wouldn’t pay the bills, or wouldn’t give his mother her “medicine.” There was enough to eat, as much as they wanted with no strings attached.
There was conversation about plain, simple things, too. About going to Sweet Thing, eating frosted frog legs, about the butter in the potatoes, about Amanda Jane asking a question about something she’d read on the cover of a newspaper.
The only thing that could be purchased out of all of it was the food.
Not the warmth, not the sense of home and hearth, and not the absolute and utter devotion he felt for the other two people at his table.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“GRAMS?” GINA SAID tentatively into the phone.
“Don’t you go fussing on me like I’m going to break. Tell me whatever you have to tell me.”
She laughed. “I was just checking on you. Reed and I were thinking of going out of town for a few days and I wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything.”
“What’s the right answer here? Am I supposed to tell you everything is fine and to go or that I want you to stay and my old heart will break in my chest if you don’t?”
Gina laughed. “I want to know how you feel. Honestly.”
“Honestly? Like a bucket of Old Man Zorn’s cow crap. But, honey, you go on ahead and go. I’ve got Helga and the Grandmothers if I need anything. Emma told me you might be taking a few days. I think it’s a great idea.”
“Really?”
“Really. I think you should go. I’ve already been through the hard part. I think you need this. Amanda Jane needs it.”
There was so much she wanted to say to her, but it was all regret. It was all should have, so instead, she said, “I love you, Grams.”
“I know you do. And I love you, too. To the moon and stars and back again. All I want is for you to be happy. That’s the only reason I’ve done any of the things I’ve done.”
“I know, Grams.”
“Tell me all about it. Where are you going?”
“A pretty place at the Lake of the Ozarks. Just for a few days.”
“That was your sister’s favorite place.”
“I know.”
“I’m wondering if you’d like to take her ashes and scatter them. I think she’d rather be there than sitting on my mantel. Say goodbye to your past, put your ghosts to rest.”
Emotion welled up and choked her. She didn’t know what she was feeling. Grief, sorrow, joy, hope...it was all balled up into a sticky mess.
The drive to the Ozarks took about six hours. She’d never had Amanda Jane in a car for that long, but she seemed content to sleep. Probably the bellyful of fried chicken, and for that, Gina was thankful.
It was dawn when they finally arrived and an attendant came to meet them. The perks, she supposed, of having money to tip for the inconvenience.
Reed carried Amanda Jane aboard and they discovered that “sleeps three” meant a king-size bed in one bedroom and a single in the other.
“I’ll put her in the big bed and you can sleep with her.”
“Can I stay with you tonight?” she asked quietly. “It’s just...” Gina held up the box containing the ashes that Emma had brought over from her grandmother.
“Of course, Gina.”
She breathed out a sigh of relief and he put Amanda Jane in the bedroom with the single.
Reed put his arm around her, and his presence was warm and strong, comforting her. “I know you don’t want to leave her here by herself.”
He understood without her saying a word.
“You have the money. Buy some property here, if you want it. Buy it for you, for Amanda Jane.”
“That seems like a luxury.”
“We can afford it,” he answered.
“Taxes, upkeep, when I’m going to come here, what, once a year?” Yet the idea appealed to her. She’d be able to come see her whenever she wanted, bring Amanda Jane.
“If that’s what you want.” Reed rested his chin on her head. “Does it matter? It’ll be a tribute to Crys. A pilgrimage so Amanda Jane doesn’t forget.”
She teared up again. “God, I can’t stop crying. Every time I think I’ve finished, my face leaks again.” Gina shook her head. “I really thought that I took care of her. I thought that she needed me more than I needed her, but I was wrong. I needed her. Needed to take care of her—or try to feel like I knew my place in the world.”
“You have your place in the world. It’s wherever you want it to be.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
He tightened his arms around her. “It is that easy.”
“That’s a different song than the one you were singing.”
“I know. It kind of hit me. With a brick. The way those things tend to do.”
It would be easy to surrender to his arms, and she wanted nothing more than to let him hide her from all the ugly things that she didn’t want to face, but that hadn’t worked in the past. She didn’t see how that would change.
“Come to bed with me, Gina.”
She wanted to ask if it was because she’d begged him, or if he needed comfort, too, but that would open up all the things she’d sworn not to talk about. Not yet, anyway. Her heart hurt, as though someone had been using it for a soccer ball. She couldn’t take any more hits, so instead, she nodded and followed him to the master bedroom.
She stripped down to her tank top and panties and climbed between the sheets. He gathered her into his arms, and she exhaled so heavily, he asked her, “What is it?”
“This is the only place I feel safe,” she confessed and then sighed again. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to hear that.”
“I thought we decided that we weren’t apologizing anymore?”
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I guess that’s over.”
He laughed. “No, I say we try it again. You’re grieving. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I have plenty to be sorry for. I am grieving and you were right about so many things. I think you are my drug of choice. I just want to get lost in you. I want to feel what you give me. I need to be close to you.”
“After everything, you want me to touch you?” He sounded incredulous.
“I know, I shouldn’t need you like this. I’ll try to stop.”
“I don’t want you to stop.”
Hope flared. “You don’t?”
“But it still stands that I don’t want to be a regret.”
“What do you want?” Gina realized they’d spent a lot of time talking about what she wanted, what she needed, and even when he was angry and hurting, it was still about her.
“Now isn’t the time to talk about that.”
“Then let’s not talk.” She tilted her mouth up to his, desperate for that ambrosia of his lips and for a moment, she was sure he was going to deny her.
How many times had she laid herself bare for him and how many times had he pushed her away? When would she learn?
&nb
sp; Then his mouth descended and crushed all thoughts from her mind. Time and space had been reduced to sensation. Only his hands, only his mouth, only his breath as he breathed new life into her.
He made her not care about the past or future, just the immediate present where he was all things. He made her want, made her need, but then gave her everything, fulfilled her, only to make her yearn again. It was like the tide crashing on the shore, bringing up the bounty of the deep, only to pull it away again.
It was a cycle she was more than happy to surrender to.
He trailed kisses down her neck, his lips grazing her collarbone as he drifted ever lower, as if he were seducing her even though he knew the deed was already won. Reed traced his hands over her skin, seemingly wanting to touch her everywhere. Not just her breasts, or her cleft, but found pleasure in the arch of her neck, the curve of her shoulder, the plane of her belly.
Reed kissed her everywhere. They were passionate, they were gentle, sometimes he nipped lightly at tender skin and other times it was more of a brushing of lips than an actual kiss. She felt as though he sanctified her somehow, made her more than she was.
When he finally had her bare, she was shy again. More so than their first time together. She felt more naked somehow, more exposed, but it wasn’t frightening. It was good. Gina reveled in it, enjoyed the sensations, letting each one wash over her.
She cupped her fingers around the nape of his neck when he would’ve dived lower to bring her bliss.
“My turn,” she said.
He moved to his back and allowed her the access she wanted to him. She returned the caresses, kissing, nipping, exploring his body with her mouth. Gina wanted to do to him what he’d done to her, she wanted him to feel all the ecstasy he’d given her.
Gina loved the taste of his skin, the way he felt like velvet-covered steel everywhere. His arms, his pecs, his abs and his cock. His thick, hard cock that was some kind of alchemy.
She dipped her head and took him deep.
He murmured her name.
Gina began to move over him, her hand cupping his shaft and stroking in the wake of her mouth. He didn’t speak, but his hands fisted the sheets, curling tight. She increased the pressure and the speed until his hips arched up off the bed of their own accord and his face wore a mask of strained need. Then she slowed again, denying him the culmination he desired so that when she did let him have it, it would take him higher, be more intense.
She worked him, tasted him, choreographing each action to bring him the most pleasure.
His back arched, his hips thrust and he cried out her name this time, almost a desperate sound. Gina knew he was near completion, but she didn’t stop. She wanted to bring him off this way and then drive him crazy again.
Gina liked watching the expressions on his face, the way he fought his culmination and the sense of power it gave her to be able to do this for him. It made her that much hotter. As she teased and taunted him, she was in a sense teasing herself. Every flick of her tongue against him, every jerk of his cock in response, it all made her cleft clench and ache to be filled with him.
His whole body stiffened and she knew he was on the edge, so she moved her hands and lips faster with more pressure until he reached his peak.
She lay on the bed beside him, satisfied with herself, but still wanting his touch. He didn’t give her a second of reprieve before he was between her thighs, returning the gift. Gina found herself biting her lips to keep from crying out, to keep from howling his name. This was so much better than she’d ever imagined it could be.
Gina loved the way he touched her. The way he seemed to know just what she needed.
“Please, Reed.”
He didn’t stop to answer her, just kept teasing her as she’d done to him. Then that moment came where she was sure she was going to explode into a thousand stars, and then she did.
But that wasn’t the end.
When she was still quivering from the bliss, he rose up above her and wrapped her legs around his hips. He pushed into her, driving home, driving deep and just like the first time, he looked deep into her eyes.
They were anchored together in that moment, in that pleasure and sensation, like one organism instead of two. Their bodies were joined, but so were their hearts. They moved in tandem together, striving to take the other to a new place, another rung farther up the ladder of ecstasy.
When she peaked, her lips fell open, but no sound issued forth, and if it had, it would’ve been swallowed by his kiss. She tasted herself on his lips, the evidence of her pleasure, and it wasn’t long before his body spasmed and they were in heaven together.
When they drifted back to the real, she was content to lie in his arms and he seemed content to hold her.
She wanted this forever and it was hard to keep that inside, but she’d promised herself she wasn’t going to put any pressure on him and asking for forever, well, that was definitely pressure. She could be content with what they had for now.
They slept in each other’s arms for but a few hours, both knowing the chore that awaited them.
* * *
“HEY, SUNSHINE,” REED whispered lazily when she woke up. “You ready to do this?”
“Not really, but that’s not going to change anything, is it?”
“Afraid not. Do you want to get Amanda Jane?”
“Yes.” Gina got dressed and found her in the galley of the houseboat, making toaster pastries.
“Good morning, Gina-bee.”
“What are you doing?”
“Making breakfast.”
“I can see that, but how many people are you feeding?”
“You. Me. Mama. Daddy.”
Gina pursed her lips. “Mama?”
“I just want to,” Amanda Jane said without further prompting.
“Okay. Whatever you want. Do you know what we’re going to do today?” Gina asked her.
The solemn little girl nodded. “We’re going to leave Mama here. This is where she wants to be. I don’t want her to be hungry.”
“Honey,” she began, unsure of what to say.
“I know.” Amanda Jane answered whatever it was that Gina had been going to say. “I just want to,” she repeated.
Gina nodded. “But I think you have enough. None of us can eat that much.”
“The rest is for the fish. They can have our breakfast and they can be lunch.” She started arranging them on four plates.
Gina tugged her into a hug. “Oh, kiddo.”
They took their toaster pastries onto the deck of the houseboat where a table and chairs had been set up for outside dining.
Amanda Jane placed everything just so, even the box at its own place.
They ate their pastries in silence, even Reed, watching his daughter with a wary eye. After they were finished, he said, “Are you ready?”
Gina picked up the plain brown box. “Do you want to help, Amanda Jane?”
She shook her head.
Gina thought she knew what she wanted to say, but when faced with the moment at hand, it didn’t matter to Crys. She’d never hear it, never know how much she’d be missed, never know all the good things she could’ve had, if only she’d tried.
Gina couldn’t help but be angry, especially when she looked at her niece’s face. But she was heartbroken, too. Heartbroken that Crys had always been in so much pain, both emotional and sometimes physical.
“Tell Mama I love her,” Gina said. “And I love you. I promise I’ll take good care of Amanda Jane and we’ll try to be happy. Just like you wanted.” She looked to Reed.
“I’m sorry, Crystal.” He seemed to be enumerating his sins in his head, but that was okay. This was for him, not for her. “Thank you for her.” He nodded to Amanda Jane.
“Do you want to say anything
, honey?” Gina asked Amanda Jane.
She shook her head.
Gina opened the box and let the wind take the ashes, carrying what was left of Crystal out onto the dark waves where the ashes disappeared.
Amanda Jane took the toaster pastry and let it drop into the water below.
Gina realized what she was doing then. They’d watched a documentary not too long ago about the Day of the Dead and how they honored their dead with offerings of flowers and food. It was a strange little something to have stuck in the girl’s mind, but stuck it had. It was her way of grieving and keeping Crys with her even though she was gone. If it comforted her, Gina didn’t mind it.
“She wanted us to be happy. So we have to try and be happy.”
Amanda Jane turned her face into Gina and hugged her tight. “I’ll try,” she sniffed.
“That’s why we came here. She was the happiest here. So we’re going to do the things that made her happy. That’s how we’ll keep her in our hearts.”
“Being happy hurts,” she said.
She stroked her hair. “Sometimes, little one.”
Reed embraced them both. “You’re going to look back on this when you’re all grown up and you will always miss her, but you’re going to remember the good parts about today, too.”
They held each other, sharing their grief, their goodbyes, until Gina pulled away. “She said to be happy. We’re not being happy. Let’s take this thing for a ride.”
They spent the day out on the water, splashing and playing, Amanda Jane in her floaties and her inner tube. Fish swam around their feet and legs, and Amanda Jane was delighted with the experience.
Hearing her laugh, it somehow made everything better, and Gina held the tender spark of hope in her heart for both her future and the love she longed for.
Gina looked out over the water, watching as the sky turned from purple velvet to the pink and gold of dawn and bloomed like a cosmic flower. The water lapped gently at the sides of the boat and she sighed.