Finding Glory

by Sara Arden

“It’s already rocking if you don’t know where you stand.”

  “You’re probably right.” Gina sighed.

  “I’m always right, but it’s nice to hear. And settling is just that. Settled. Like mud at the bottom of the Missouri. You don’t want to be settled. You want to be happy.”

  “Enough of me. I want to know more about this friendship of yours with Grayson. And you better indulge me, or I’m going to sic Grams on you with her matchmaking friends.”

  “Never say that! They’ll have me married and spitting out babies before I know what’s hit me. With Grayson, it really is just a friendship.”

  “Uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that. He looks pretty comfortable with kids. Doesn’t that just hit you in your ovaries?”

  “Stop matchmaking. I’m happy in my single status.” Emma looked around. “Where’s Reed?”

  Emma dropped that bomb on her as if it was nothing. Which meant it was everything. “Emma—” She reached out for her.

  “Can’t do it now. Thought I could. Reed. We were talking about Reed.” Her face had gone white.

  Gina looked at her friend and squeezed her hand and let her change the subject. Emma would talk again when she was ready. “He was supposed to be getting cotton candy.” Gina looked around for him.

  “There’s Missy.” Emma pointed at her and she was walking with Judd Wilson. “Why don’t you practice your matchmaking skills on her and the good sheriff?”

  “Because it looks like she’s already figured out where she wants to be.”

  Judd Wilson, the sheriff, tipped his hat at them and he guided Missy toward them.

  Missy hugged her tight.

  Gina allowed the hug and let herself lean on the other woman for just moment. What surprised her was that the burly sheriff was next. “So sorry, Gina.” He swooped her up in a giant hug. “You need anything, you call me, okay?”

  She found herself overcome with emotion at the display and nodded, throat tight.

  Grayson and Amanda Jane made their way back to the group and Emma said, “I do believe this is what they call a clique. We’re standing around in the middle of all the fun whispering about people we know.”

  Amanda Jane put her hand in Gina’s and indicated she wanted to tell her something. Gina leaned down and Amanda Jane whispered in her ear, “The sheriff likes Missy.”

  “Yes, I think so.” Gina nodded.

  She smiled.

  As they chatted, it occurred again to Gina that this was a good place to raise Amanda Jane. She’d been worried about people holding her past and her roots against her, but that was what made the town strong—roots, a sense of tradition and self. These people, what had happened to her, to Crys, to any of them, it hadn’t been their fault.

  She couldn’t blame a whole town for what a few residents had done, or not done.

  Another woman she didn’t know came up and hugged her. Gina was frozen, and stiff, but the woman smelled of fresh basil and lemon. Something about it was so homey and comforting, that she allowed the embrace.

  “Bambina.” Her Italian accent was heavy. “If you and your family would like, come stay at Cora’s Cottage for a weekend to have a getaway at home. I’ll cook for you.”

  “Thank you, that’s very kind.” She realized that was Marie Hart. Crystal had talked about Johnny quite a bit when they were in middle school.

  Marie patted her cheek. “It will all be well. You’ll see.”

  It was as if she was some kind of old-world fortune-teller, happening into her life at just that time to deliver just that message.

  A hand on her elbow caused her to turn around and see Reed. “Walk with me?”

  “Amanda Jane—”

  “Is staying with Emma and Gray for the moment.”

  “It sounds like you want to talk?”

  “I do. Let’s go this way.” He took her hand and led her to a quiet corner under the trees that was secluded.

  “What did you want to talk about?”

  “Us.”

  “Haven’t we talked that to death?” Her hands were shaking; she didn’t know why.

  If she were being truthful, maybe because she was afraid everything was about to crash and burn all over again.

  “No, I don’t think so. Will you listen to what I have to say?”

  “Of course.” Even though she was afraid. Whenever they talked about their relationship, it was always something bad. The whole rocking of the apple cart she’d been trying to avoid? She had this sneaking suspicion that this was going to flip the apple cart over and all her apples were going to roll down the street and get smushed into applesauce.

  But that was unreasonable. It didn’t have to be bad.

  “I think we need to define our relationship for Amanda Jane.”

  Yeah, it was definitely a crash and there were flames everywhere. She could see the apples rotting and turning into hard cider.

  “I know things have been unsettled, but she’s seen us sleeping in the same bed. She’s trying to label our roles and I think if we do that for her, it will give her more of a sense of security.”

  “What does that mean?” She tried not to freak out, to be angry. She tried to trust. At every stage in this relationship when things fell apart, or things burned, it was because they didn’t trust each other. It was time for that to stop. But she was having a really hard time with this one.

  “It means I think we should really be married. I know it’s done on paper, but let’s just call it what it is.”

  Just like the whole of their relationship, this was everything she wanted and nothing at all.

  “That’s not a good enough reason.”

  “Her happiness and well-being isn’t good enough?” He seemed surprised.

  “To actually have a marriage? No, Reed. It’s not.” She took a solid gulp of air. “That’s committing to forever.”

  He just wanted her because it was easy—because she fit. It was no effort to confide his past—she’d been there. It was no effort to make her fit into this future—she’d be there.

  The part that hurt the worst, was that he didn’t understand. He was sitting there under a tree offering her almost everything she’d ever wanted.

  But she wasn’t going to settle for almost. Emma was right. Settling was for mud. She didn’t want mud.

  “Gina—”

  She stood up and put her hands out in front of her. “I’m not angry with you, but I can’t be around you right now.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “That’s the problem. We’ll talk later, but right now, I just—” She had to flee him, this feeling. She suddenly understood what it was like to be willing to do anything to get away from a stimulus. Anything to numb it and make it stop.

  She didn’t think it could get any worse, but it did because he let her go. He didn’t chase her, he didn’t try to reassure her, he didn’t—he did exactly as she’d asked.

  Gina knew that was no cause to be upset. If she wanted something from him, she should tell him. She couldn’t expect him to just know.

  Except she did—because he should.

  If he wanted her to commit to spending the rest of her life with him? How horrible it was to love someone more than they loved you.

  Emma saw her and grabbed her arm. “What happened? What wrong?”

  “Just watch Amanda Jane.”

  “No, the boys can do that. I’m watching you.” Emma followed her.

  Gina didn’t know where she was going, only that she had to go. She had to get somewhere she could breathe.

  “What did he do?” Emma said when she finally slowed down.

  “He asked me to make this marriage real.”

  “Oh, the horror,” Emma drawled, making it clear that she didn’t find it to
be as objectionable as Gina did.

  “It is a horror. He asked me to define our relationship for Amanda Jane.”

  “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Emma’s expression turned gentle. “Honey, he’s already told you that he loves you. What more do you want?”

  “To know that I’m not the easy choice.”

  “This again? So what if you’re the easy choice? All these things that you’ve been saying are things that you’re supposed to look for in the person you want to spend your life with. Why don’t you want to be the one who fits with him?”

  Emma pursed her lips. “Do you want it to be hard? Do you want him to run some gauntlet to prove how he feels? I think he already has. Look at the last few months. What else could he possibly do?”

  “Love me.”

  “He told you he loves you. He’s shown you he loves you.” Emma shook her head. “He just didn’t do the things that you’ve earmarked as proof. Would you rather have some workhorse checking things off a list or do you want a flesh-and-blood man who thinks you’re the moon and his daughter is the stars?”

  “I guess I thought that if someone ever asked me they’d at least have a ring, or it would be special.”

  “How was it not special?”

  “I guess I’m still more of a little girl than I realized.” She shook her head. “I made a conscious choice to put my trust in him and I’m not... I want it all. I want fireworks. I want a ring. I want everything. I thought less would be okay, that it didn’t matter. But it does. ”

  Emma put an arm around her. “Oh, honey. I think we’re all little girls when it comes to things like this. When Amanda Jane is older and she wants you to retell the story of how he proposed to you, you’re going to say you got married for a custody arrangement? Or Glory Days under a walnut tree? Maybe if that was where you had your first kiss. Or that was where you knew it was love—I understand where you’re coming from, I do. He screwed the pooch on this for sure. But do you really think that he’s only asking for Amanda Jane or is he asking for himself?”

  “I guess that’s the problem. I don’t know.”

  “Don’t you think that you should find out?” Emma urged.

  “I think I’ve already made up my mind that he’s only asking for her. I’m afraid to believe that it’s because he loves me.” That was the guts of it. Again, it came down to the lack of trust. But Emma was right, too. She didn’t trust herself enough to believe that she was worth it.

  “Do you remember what Crystal said to you there before the end? Be happy. Stop being afraid. If you don’t want to be with Reed Hollingsworth, then don’t. But if you do? I suggest you go ahead and grab life by the balls. None of us know how much time we have or what blessings we’ll be given. I thought I had all the time in the world to have children. Now, I can’t. Even though that makes me want to bawl and rail at fate, I won’t. Because I’m still here. There are worse things that can happen to you than loving too much.”

  “I’m sorry, Emma. All my silly crap when you’ve got big things, serious things happening in your life.” In being a good caregiver, she didn’t want to forget to be a good friend, too.

  Emma waved her off. “Serious things? Love is pretty serious. No, I withdraw that from the jury. It doesn’t have to be serious, but it is important.”

  “I’m scared, Emma. I’ve been scared. I keep thinking I’m this warrior woman, but I’m really not. Everything I do is motivated from fear.”

  “So stop it. And who says that warriors are never afraid?”

  “Just...” She shook her head. “Stop it?”

  “I know it’s easier said than done, but if you want Reed, go back and get him.”

  “After I just ran out of there like an idiot?”

  “He’ll understand. If you’re going to be married to the man he’s going to see you being stupid plenty more times than this.” Emma grinned. “Well, not to say that you were being stupid. Maybe wary is a better word. Nothing you feel is stupid. There’s a reason you felt that way.”

  “Would you say that’s true in all cases?”

  “Probably.”

  “Then I feel like I hope you and Gray end up together.” She couldn’t resist dropping that in there.

  “I should’ve seen that one coming.”

  “Yes, you should have.” Gina laughed.

  “You know what? We’re going shopping.”

  “Why in the world would I do that?”

  “Because there’s a certain way you want this done? You tell him. In no uncertain terms.”

  “I am not going lingerie shopping and I’m not proposing to him.”

  “You are going lingerie shopping and you’re going to tell him how to propose to you.” Emma’s fingers moved quickly over the keys of her phone.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Telling Gray that he and Reed have Amanda Jane. Reed was the one who was so hot for Glory Days, anyway. I wanted to go to Lynnie’s and get a pedicure.”

  “No.”

  “Yes. It’s time you asked for what you want, Gina. You’re never going to get it otherwise. You have to believe you deserve it and reach for it. Be happy.”

  “How is making an ass out of myself going to make me happy?”

  “I guess you’ll just have to see.”

  Her phone rang and initially, she wasn’t going to answer it. She wasn’t even going to look at it, but just like when her grandmother had fallen, she had a sense in her gut. It was a call she needed to take.

  It was Dr. Ness.

  Instinctively, she knew he’d have their test results for the DNA marker for hereditary breast cancer.

  It seemed as though her whole life, Amanda Jane’s life, was hung like a star on this very moment. But it wasn’t. Whatever was meant to be would be. Finding out about it, quantifying it, that wouldn’t change anything.

  Or maybe it would. Maybe it would give them a fighting chance.

  “I have to take this, Emma. It’s Rob.”

  Emma nodded.

  Except when she answered, she wasn’t sure what to say. “Hi.”

  “How are you, Gina?”

  “Kind of dying waiting to know.”

  “The lab was going to mail you the results, but I thought you’d like to hear it from me. Amanda Jane is negative.”

  “Thank God.” It felt as if a weight had slipped from her shoulders. The rest of what he had to say didn’t matter, as long as she was okay.

  Fear knotted. No, it did matter. But whatever Rob had to say next, she’d deal with it because her niece was fine. She was safe. At least from this.

  “And so are you,” he continued.

  Her knees went weak and Emma barely caught her as she crumpled with relief. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

  “Take care of yourself, Gina. Call me when you’re ready to do your ER rotation and I’ll get you set up with us. That is, if you want to do your practicals here.”

  “I would love that. Thank you. I mean, I already said it, but that’s so generous.”

  “We got our test results,” Gina told Emma as she put away the phone and blinked back tears. “We’re negative for BRCA-1.”

  Emma squeezed her. “I’m so happy for you. This is the best thing we could’ve hoped for.”

  “I have to call Grams.”

  Three hours and some credit card swipes later found Gina home and gussied up in ribbons, lace and something that she couldn’t sit down in or she wouldn’t be able to stand back up.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where the heroine seduces the hero over a macaroni-and-cheese-with-bacon casserole.”

  “You don’t watch the right channels. You can seduce anyone with bacon.” Emma nodded.

  “That wasn’t the image I wanted.”
>
  “It’s the one you’ve got.” Emma winked at her.

  “This is dumb. I should just talk to him.”

  “I promise you that this is not dumb. When you see the way he looks at you, it will give you the confidence you need to tell him what you want. I’m going to take Amanda Jane to a movie and keep her overnight. We’ll have a great slumber party and I’ll send her home late tomorrow stuffed full of sugar and maybe with a puppy,” Emma teased.

  “As long as it’s not a pony.”

  “I can promise, no ponies.” Emma sniffed. “I never had a pony. But back to the subject at hand. After tonight, you will know for sure whether he wants you for you, or wants you because you’re easy.” She snickered.

  “I look easy.” She flicked a pink ribbon that hung from the general direction of her cleavage.

  “No, you don’t. You look beautiful.” Emma smiled at her. “This is your chance. You’re not good girl Gina, you’re not the poor kid made good, you’re a woman who knows what she wants and she’s going to reach out and take it, okay?”

  Gina nodded. As always, Emma knew just what to say.

  “What if...” She trailed off.

  “What if all that stuff that keeps rattling through your head is the truth? Then, honey, this was just a dress rehearsal, anyway.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  AFTER THE WAY she’d run out of the park, Reed wasn’t sure what to expect when he came home. The look on her face when he’d suggested a real marriage was like he’d suggested pudding was made out of something vile.

  Gray assured him all would be well, but he wasn’t so sure. They’d come so far, through so much, and he’d screwed it up, just like he knew he would. Just like he told her he would.

  But that self-hate voice that liked to berate him, it wasn’t as loud as the other one that said maybe he’d just gone about this all wrong. Maybe his timing was bad.

  Maybe he should’ve bought a ring.

  He didn’t know what the hell he was thinking except he just wanted her to say yes. He wanted her to define their relationship for him and he’d used Amanda Jane as an excuse.

  Reed was sure there was a lesson in that. Maybe if he’d been more honest about his needs, his wants, maybe they’d be met.