Works of Charles Dickens (200+ Works) The Adventures of Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, A Christmas Carol, A Tale of Two Cities, Bleak House, David Copperfield & more (mobi)

by Charles Dickens

  'Never mind George Barnwell,' interrupted Sam, who had remained a wondering listener during this short colloquy; 'everybody knows what sort of a case his was, tho' it's always been my opinion, mind you, that the young 'ooman deserved scragging a precious sight more than he did. Hows'ever, that's neither here nor there. You want me to accept of half a guinea. Wery well, I'm agreeable: I can't say no fairer than that, can I, sir?' (Mr. Pickwick smiled.) Then the next question is, what the devil do you want with me, as the man said, wen he see the ghost?'

  'We want to know--' said Mr. Wardle.

  'Now, my dear sir--my dear sir,' interposed the busy little man.

  Mr. Wardle shrugged his shoulders, and was silent.

  'We want to know,' said the little man solemnly; 'and we ask the question of you, in order that we may not awaken apprehensions inside--we want to know who you've got in this house at present?'

  'Who there is in the house!' said Sam, in whose mind the inmates were always represented by that particular article of their costume, which came under his immediate superintendence. 'There's a vooden leg in number six; there's a pair of Hessians in thirteen; there's two pair of halves in the commercial; there's these here painted tops in the snuggery inside the bar; and five more tops in the coffee-room.'

  'Nothing more?' said the little man.

  'Stop a bit,' replied Sam, suddenly recollecting himself. 'Yes; there's a pair of Vellingtons a good deal worn, and a pair o' lady's shoes, in number five.'

  'What sort of shoes?' hastily inquired Wardle, who, together with Mr. Pickwick, had been lost in bewilderment at the singular catalogue of visitors.

  'Country make,' replied Sam.

  'Any maker's name?'

  'Brown.'

  'Where of?'

  'Muggleton.

  'It is them,' exclaimed Wardle. 'By heavens, we've found them.'

  'Hush!' said Sam. 'The Vellingtons has gone to Doctors' Commons.'

  'No,' said the little man.

  'Yes, for a licence.'

  'We're in time,' exclaimed Wardle. 'Show us the room; not a moment is to be lost.'

  'Pray, my dear sir--pray,' said the little man; 'caution, caution.' He drew from his pocket a red silk purse, and looked very hard at Sam as he drew out a sovereign.

  Sam grinned expressively.

  'Show us into the room at once, without announcing us,' said the little man, 'and it's yours.'

  Sam threw the painted tops into a corner, and led the way through a dark passage, and up a wide staircase. He paused at the end of a second passage, and held out his hand.

  'Here it is,' whispered the attorney, as he deposited the money on the hand of their guide.

  The man stepped forward for a few paces, followed by the two friends and their legal adviser. He stopped at a door.

  'Is this the room?' murmured the little gentleman.

  Sam nodded assent.

  Old Wardle opened the door; and the whole three walked into the room just as Mr. Jingle, who had that moment returned, had produced the licence to the spinster aunt.

  The spinster uttered a loud shriek, and throwing herself into a chair, covered her face with her hands. Mr. Jingle crumpled up the licence, and thrust it into his coat pocket. The unwelcome visitors advanced into the middle of the room. 'You--you are a nice rascal, arn't you?' exclaimed Wardle, breathless with passion.

  'My dear Sir, my dear sir,' said the little man, laying his hat on the table, 'pray, consider--pray. Defamation of character: action for damages. Calm yourself, my dear sir, pray--'

  'How dare you drag my sister from my house?' said the old man.

  Ay--ay--very good,' said the little gentleman, 'you may ask that. How dare you, sir?--eh, sir?'

  'Who the devil are you?' inquired Mr. Jingle, in so fierce a tone, that the little gentleman involuntarily fell back a step or two.

  'Who is he, you scoundrel,' interposed Wardle. 'He's my lawyer, Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn. Perker, I'll have this fellow prosecuted--indicted--I'll--I'll--I'll ruin him. And you,' continued Mr. Wardle, turning abruptly round to his sister--'you, Rachael, at a time of life when you ought to know better, what do you mean by running away with a vagabond, disgracing your family, and making yourself miserable? Get on your bonnet and come back. Call a hackney-coach there, directly, and bring this lady's bill, d'ye hear--d'ye hear?' 'Cert'nly, Sir,' replied Sam, who had answered Wardle's violent ringing of the bell with a degree of celerity which must have appeared marvellous to anybody who didn't know that his eye had been applied to the outside of the keyhole during the whole interview.

  'Get on your bonnet,' repeated Wardle.

  'Do nothing of the kind,' said Jingle. 'Leave the room, Sir-- no business here--lady's free to act as she pleases--more than one-and-twenty.'

  'More than one-and-twenty!' ejaculated Wardle contemptuously. 'More than one-and-forty!'

  'I ain't,' said the spinster aunt, her indignation getting the better of her determination to faint.

  'You are,' replied Wardle; 'you're fifty if you're an hour.'

  Here the spinster aunt uttered a loud shriek, and became senseless.

  'A glass of water,' said the humane Mr. Pickwick, summoning the landlady.

  'A glass of water!' said the passionate Wardle. 'Bring a bucket, and throw it all over her; it'll do her good, and she richly deserves it.'

  'Ugh, you brute!' ejaculated the kind-hearted landlady. 'Poor dear.' And with sundry ejaculations of 'Come now, there's a dear --drink a little of this--it'll do you good--don't give way so-- there's a love,' etc. etc., the landlady, assisted by a chambermaid, proceeded to vinegar the forehead, beat the hands, titillate the nose, and unlace the stays of the spinster aunt, and to administer such other restoratives as are usually applied by compassionate females to ladies who are endeavouring to ferment themselves into hysterics.

  'Coach is ready, Sir,' said Sam, appearing at the door.

  'Come along,' cried Wardle. 'I'll carry her downstairs.'

  At this proposition, the hysterics came on with redoubled violence. The landlady was about to enter a very violent protest against this proceeding, and had already given vent to an indignant inquiry whether Mr. Wardle considered himself a lord of the creation, when Mr. Jingle interposed--

  'Boots,' said he, 'get me an officer.'

  'Stay, stay,' said little Mr. Perker. 'Consider, Sir, consider.'

  'I'll not consider,' replied Jingle. 'She's her own mistress--see who dares to take her away--unless she wishes it.'

  'I WON'T be taken away,' murmured the spinster aunt. 'I DON'T wish it.' (Here there was a frightful relapse.)

  'My dear Sir,' said the little man, in a low tone, taking Mr. Wardle and Mr. Pickwick apart--'my dear Sir, we're in a very awkward situation. It's a distressing case--very; I never knew one more so; but really, my dear sir, really we have no power to control this lady's actions. I warned you before we came, my dear sir, that there was nothing to look to but a compromise.'

  There was a short pause.

  'What kind of compromise would you recommend?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.

  'Why, my dear Sir, our friend's in an unpleasant position--very much so. We must be content to suffer some pecuniary loss.'

  'I'll suffer any, rather than submit to this disgrace, and let her, fool as she is, be made miserable for life,' said Wardle.

  'I rather think it can be done,' said the bustling little man. 'Mr. Jingle, will you step with us into the next room for a moment?'

  Mr. Jingle assented, and the quartette walked into an empty apartment.

  'Now, sir,' said the little man, as he carefully closed the door, 'is there no way of accommodating this matter--step this way, sir, for a moment--into this window, Sir, where we can be alone --there, sir, there, pray sit down, sir. Now, my dear Sir, between you and I, we know very well, my dear Sir, that you have run off with this lady for the sake of her money. Don't frown, Sir, don't frown; I say, between you and I, WE know it. We are both men of the world, and WE know very well that our frie
nds here, are not--eh?'

  Mr. Jingle's face gradually relaxed; and something distantly resembling a wink quivered for an instant in his left eye.

  'Very good, very good,' said the little man, observing the impression he had made. 'Now, the fact is, that beyond a few hundreds, the lady has little or nothing till the death of her mother--fine old lady, my dear Sir.'

  'OLD,' said Mr. Jingle briefly but emphatically.

  'Why, yes,' said the attorney, with a slight cough. 'You are right, my dear Sir, she is rather old. She comes of an old family though, my dear Sir; old in every sense of the word. The founder of that family came into Kent when Julius Caesar invaded Britain;--only one member of it, since, who hasn't lived to eighty-five, and he was beheaded by one of the Henrys. The old lady is not seventy-three now, my dear Sir.' The little man paused, and took a pinch of snuff.

  'Well,' cried Mr. Jingle.

  'Well, my dear sir--you don't take snuff!--ah! so much the better--expensive habit--well, my dear Sir, you're a fine young man, man of the world--able to push your fortune, if you had capital, eh?'

  'Well,' said Mr. Jingle again.

  'Do you comprehend me?'

  'Not quite.'

  'Don't you think--now, my dear Sir, I put it to you don't you think--that fifty pounds and liberty would be better than Miss Wardle and expectation?'

  'Won't do--not half enough!' said Mr. Jingle, rising.

  'Nay, nay, my dear Sir,' remonstrated the little attorney, seizing him by the button. 'Good round sum--a man like you could treble it in no time--great deal to be done with fifty pounds, my dear Sir.'

  'More to be done with a hundred and fifty,' replied Mr. Jingle coolly.

  'Well, my dear Sir, we won't waste time in splitting straws,' resumed the little man, 'say--say--seventy.' 'Won't do,' said Mr. Jingle.

  'Don't go away, my dear sir--pray don't hurry,' said the little man. 'Eighty; come: I'll write you a cheque at once.'

  'Won't do,' said Mr. Jingle.

  'Well, my dear Sir, well,' said the little man, still detaining him; 'just tell me what WILL do.'

  'Expensive affair,' said Mr. Jingle. 'Money out of pocket-- posting, nine pounds; licence, three--that's twelve--compensation, a hundred--hundred and twelve--breach of honour--and loss of the lady--'

  'Yes, my dear Sir, yes,' said the little man, with a knowing look, 'never mind the last two items. That's a hundred and twelve--say a hundred--come.'

  'And twenty,' said Mr. Jingle.

  'Come, come, I'll write you a cheque,' said the little man; and down he sat at the table for that purpose.

  'I'll make it payable the day after to-morrow,' said the little man, with a look towards Mr. Wardle; 'and we can get the lady away, meanwhile.' Mr. Wardle sullenly nodded assent.

  'A hundred,' said the little man.

  'And twenty,' said Mr. Jingle.

  'My dear Sir,' remonstrated the little man.

  'Give it him,' interposed Mr. Wardle, 'and let him go.'

  The cheque was written by the little gentleman, and pocketed by Mr. Jingle.

  'Now, leave this house instantly!' said Wardle, starting up.

  'My dear Sir,' urged the little man.

  'And mind,' said Mr. Wardle, 'that nothing should have induced me to make this compromise--not even a regard for my family--if I had not known that the moment you got any money in that pocket of yours, you'd go to the devil faster, if possible, than you would without it--'

  'My dear sir,' urged the little man again.

  'Be quiet, Perker,' resumed Wardle. 'Leave the room, Sir.'

  'Off directly,' said the unabashed Jingle. 'Bye bye, Pickwick.' If any dispassionate spectator could have beheld the countenance of the illustrious man, whose name forms the leading feature of the title of this work, during the latter part of this conversation, he would have been almost induced to wonder that the indignant fire which flashed from his eyes did not melt the glasses of his spectacles--so majestic was his wrath. His nostrils dilated, and his fists clenched involuntarily, as he heard himself addressed by the villain. But he restrained himself again--he did not pulverise him.

  'Here,' continued the hardened traitor, tossing the licence at Mr. Pickwick's feet; 'get the name altered--take home the lady --do for Tuppy.'

  Mr. Pickwick was a philosopher, but philosophers are only men in armour, after all. The shaft had reached him, penetrated through his philosophical harness, to his very heart. In the frenzy of his rage, he hurled the inkstand madly forward, and followed it up himself. But Mr. Jingle had disappeared, and he found himself caught in the arms of Sam.

  'Hollo,' said that eccentric functionary, 'furniter's cheap where you come from, Sir. Self-acting ink, that 'ere; it's wrote your mark upon the wall, old gen'l'm'n. Hold still, Sir; wot's the use o' runnin' arter a man as has made his lucky, and got to t'other end of the Borough by this time?'

  Mr. Pickwick's mind, like those of all truly great men, was open to conviction. He was a quick and powerful reasoner; and a moment's reflection sufficed to remind him of the impotency of his rage. It subsided as quickly as it had been roused. He panted for breath, and looked benignantly round upon his friends.

  Shall we tell the lamentations that ensued when Miss Wardle found herself deserted by the faithless Jingle? Shall we extract Mr. Pickwick's masterly description of that heartrending scene? His note-book, blotted with the tears of sympathising humanity, lies open before us; one word, and it is in the printer's hands. But, no! we will be resolute! We will not wring the public bosom, with the delineation of such suffering!

  Slowly and sadly did the two friends and the deserted lady return next day in the Muggleton heavy coach. Dimly and darkly had the sombre shadows of a summer's night fallen upon all around, when they again reached Dingley Dell, and stood within the entrance to Manor Farm.

  CHAPTER XI INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S

  A night of quiet and repose in the profound silence of Dingley Dell, and an hour's breathing of its fresh and fragrant air on the ensuing morning, completely recovered Mr. Pickwick from the effects of his late fatigue of body and anxiety of mind. That illustrious man had been separated from his friends and fol lowers for two whole days; and it was with a degree of pleasure and delight, which no common imagination can adequately conceive, that he stepped forward to greet Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass, as he encountered those gentlemen on his return from his early walk. The pleasure was mutual; for who could ever gaze on Mr. Pickwick's beaming face without experiencing the sensation? But still a cloud seemed to hang over his companions which that great man could not but be sensible of, and was wholly at a loss to account for. There was a mysterious air about them both, as unusual as it was alarming.

  'And how,' said Mr. Pickwick, when he had grasped his followers by the hand, and exchanged warm salutations of welcome--'how is Tupman?'

  Mr. Winkle, to whom the question was more peculiarly addressed, made no reply. He turned away his head, and appeared absorbed in melancholy reflection.

  'Snodgrass,' said Mr. Pickwick earnestly, 'how is our friend-- he is not ill?'

  'No,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; and a tear trembled on his sentimental eyelid, like a rain-drop on a window-frame-'no; he is not ill.'

  Mr. Pickwick stopped, and gazed on each of his friends in turn.

  'Winkle--Snodgrass,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'what does this mean? Where is our friend? What has happened? Speak--I conjure, I entreat--nay, I command you, speak.'

  There was a solemnity--a dignity--in Mr. Pickwick's manner, not to be withstood.

  'He is gone,' said Mr. Snodgrass.

  'Gone!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 'Gone!'

  'Gone,' repeated Mr. Snodgrass.

  'Where!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick.

  'We can only guess, from that communication,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, taking a letter from his pocket, and placing it in his friend's hand. 'Yesterday m
orning, when a letter was received from Mr. Wardle, stating that you would be home with his sister at night, the melancholy which had hung over our friend during the whole of the previous day, was observed to increase. He shortly afterwards disappeared: he was missing during the whole day, and in the evening this letter was brought by the hostler from the Crown, at Muggleton. It had been left in his charge in the morning, with a strict injunction that it should not be delivered until night.'

  Mr. Pickwick opened the epistle. It was in his friend's hand- writing, and these were its contents:--

  'MY DEAR PICKWICK,--YOU, my dear friend, are placed far beyond the reach of many mortal frailties and weaknesses which ordinary people cannot overcome. You do not know what it is, at one blow, to be deserted by a lovely and fascinating creature, and to fall a victim to the artifices of a villain, who had the grin of cunning beneath the mask of friendship. I hope you never may.

  'Any letter addressed to me at the Leather Bottle, Cobham, Kent, will be forwarded--supposing I still exist. I hasten from the sight of that world, which has become odious to me. Should I hasten from it altogether, pity--forgive me. Life, my dear Pickwick, has become insupportable to me. The spirit which burns within us, is a porter's knot, on which to rest the heavy load of worldly cares and troubles; and when that spirit fails us, the burden is too heavy to be borne. We sink beneath it. You may tell Rachael--Ah, that name!-- 'TRACY TupmAN.'

  'We must leave this place directly,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he refolded the note. 'It would not have been decent for us to remain here, under any circumstances, after what has happened; and now we are bound to follow in search of our friend.' And so saying, he led the way to the house.

  His intention was rapidly communicated. The entreaties to remain were pressing, but Mr. Pickwick was inflexible. Business, he said, required his immediate attendance.

  The old clergyman was present.

  'You are not really going?' said he, taking Mr. Pickwick aside.

  Mr. Pickwick reiterated his former determination.

  'Then here,' said the old gentleman, 'is a little manuscript, which I had hoped to have the pleasure of reading to you myself. I found it on the death of a friend of mine--a medical man, engaged in our county lunatic asylum--among a variety of papers, which I had the option of destroying or preserving, as I thought proper. I can hardly believe that the manuscript is genuine, though it certainly is not in my friend's hand. However, whether it be the genuine production of a maniac, or founded upon the ravings of some unhappy being (which I think more probable), read it, and judge for yourself.'