Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  After blissful minutes, which felt like hours, Scott slowly drew his head back and stared into Derek's eyes. "I have wanted to do that since the first day I met you."

  Derek's emotions flooded through him as his eyes burned and his vision became blurry. It was only when Scott gently took his finger and traced it along Derek's cheek that he realized he was actually crying.

  Looking slightly concerned, Scott pulled back and put his hands on either side of Derek's neck, gently tilting his head 108

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  up so that they were facing each other. "Why are you crying?

  What's wrong?"

  Derek held Scott's stare. "Absolutely nothing." His voice had never been stronger. He had never been more certain of anything in his entire life. "I've dreamed about this."

  Scott smiled. "Me too."

  "No seriously, I literally had a dream that you kissed me, almost exactly like this, the first day I met you. That night after we went on our first run."

  Scott became serious, pulling Derek close into his arms, and whispered those two words one more time. "Me too."

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  109

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Chapter 7

  The next morning, Derek stayed in bed as long as he could. During the night his kiss with Scott replayed over and over and adrenaline had surged through his veins, making it difficult for him to fall back to sleep. He tried to recall the exact order of events. No matter how hard he tried, all he could focus on was Scott grabbing him on the sidewalk and pulling them together into that kiss. Scott pressing their hard-ons together. Scott whispering to him that he had dreamed about their kiss as well.

  During the spare moments that their mouths weren't devouring each other in the car outside his house, he and Scott had agreed to go for a run that morning and then hang out in Harvard Square. Finally, at around 7:00am, he got up, threw on some sweats, noticed that they tented out in the front, and headed down to the kitchen anyway since his parents were still asleep. Putting on a pot of coffee, he began preparing some eggs and toast. I wonder when it would be late enough to call him.

  Leaning back in the kitchen chair, he sipped his coffee and stared dreamily at the ceiling. His life had changed with a kiss. More precisely, he was growing into himself, becoming more and more the person he recognized from the inside as each day with Scott passed. Before this year he would have never taken the risk he took last night. He wouldn't have dared. But Scott made him want to be brave. What did that Walt Disney song say? Someday my prince will come? Well 110

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  mine came alright...and I don't think Disney would make a song out of it.

  Fifteen minutes passed and he couldn't wait any longer.

  Picking up his cell phone, he dialed Scott's number. Scott picked up on the first ring. Derek laughed and choked on a piece of toast he had been chewing. "Why'd you let it ring so many times?"

  "I was already up thinking about you."

  Feeling playful Derek decided to give Scott shit. "You were up? There's a picture that I can use later."

  Scott whispered Derek's words to himself a few time. I was up. I was up. Huh?... When he spoke, Derek could tell that he had pieced together the play on words. "Oh! That took me a minute. You're feisty this morning."

  "Well, if I'm going to be fair, I suppose I should admit that I was up as well. I was calling to see when you wanted to get together this morning."

  "How about now?" Scott sounded eager and it sent shivers through Derek.

  "Now's good. I'll pick you up in about ten minutes. We may as well take the car since we'll be heading into the Square afterwards."

  "Great, I'll be waiting." Scott hung up and Derek gathered his dishes and coffee mug, rinsing them in the sink and placing them in the dishwasher. He went upstairs, changed into his running gear, jotted a note letting his parents know where he was going and secured it to the refrigerator with a magnet.

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  Ten minutes later, Scott was sitting beside him in the car as they headed for the school parking lot. They decided to take a long, leisurely run, following the same route Derek had the day he invited Scott to his house earlier in the week. The weather was getting colder and most of the leaves had already turned to shades of yellow, red, and brown. Many trees had shed their leaves completely. It was a clear day, however, and the sun was shining which helped to subdue some of the chill the wind carried.

  They started off at an easy pace and allowed their muscles to warm up. There were no other runners and very few cars, so the two of them had the river to themselves. Derek wanted to talk about last night with Scott, but wasn't sure exactly how to start. He contemplated several ways to broach the topic, but dismissed each idea with one excuse or another.

  Deciding the direct approach was probably best he began speaking. "I've been thinking about last night."

  Scott let out an amused laugh between breaths. "It's all I've been thinking about."

  Encouraging, but not surprising. "I've never kissed another guy before."

  Scott smiled, "I was your first huh? So how was I?"

  Derek blushed. "You were amazing. The way you grabbed me and pulled me to you like that. You totally caught me off guard. It was probably the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life."

  "Well, when I know what I want, I grab it. Literally." Scott glanced sideways at Derek and gave him a short wink before returning to face in the direction they were running.

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  "Have you...I mean, uh...have there been..."

  "Have I kissed other guys before?" Scott had a weird knack of knowing what it was that Derek wanted to ask.

  "Um, yeah." Derek's voice was subdued. A small part of him didn't want to know. A much larger part of him knew that he needed to if he was going to maintain his sanity.

  "Only once, two summers ago at wrestling camp. It was the last night we were there and one of the guys had an older brother who lived locally and bought us some alcohol. There was lots of beer, we got pretty drunk, and it just happened and then we went our separate ways the next day." Derek pondered that, feeling a mixture of curiosity and jealousy.

  "But it didn't hold a candle to kissing you. You, my friend, are a great kisser. Better than any guy or girl I've kissed." Derek felt a stronger pang of jealousy. He had kissed girls too, but after last night, hearing about Scott kissing anyone bothered him.

  "So, have you kissed lots of girls? Or have you had a girlfriend?" Derek was pretty sure he didn't want to know the answer to this question, but also knew that if he didn't ask, the not knowing would burn at him.

  Scott smiled and looked at Derek. It was a soft smile, but a knowing one. "Well, that depends on what you consider to be lots. I've kissed about five girls and, yes, I did have a girlfriend before moving out here."

  Derek felt a stitch in his side. "Really? How long were you two together?"

  Scott didn't answer for a minute, then slowed his pace and turned his head so he was partially facing Derek. "We were 113

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  together for most of my junior year. All we did was kiss and maybe a little petting, but she was pretty religious and didn't go in for anything heavy...which was the main reason that I chose to go out with her. That and because she was a really nice person."

  Listening to Scott talk about his relationship with a girl caused the stitch in Derek's side to intensify. Just thinking about Scott with anyone else filled his mind with thoughts and feelings that he knew were completely out of line. Despite the displeasure eating him from the inside out, he was curious as well. Derek knew he would never have been able to date a girl. Not really date one.

  Scott slowed down a
nd jogged over to a bench, placed one foot on the seat, and began to stretch his leg. As he stretched, he looked at Derek carefully. "I figured out I was gay in ninth grade. I didn't really know what to do with those feelings and my buddies had only begun dating. They weren't doing much more than kissing and telling. I figured that if I was going to blend in, I should probably date someone too, but knew that I didn't want to lead anyone on.

  "Amber, that was her name, was the perfect choice. Her father was a pastor in the local church and I knew that she wasn't going to want me to try anything too serious with her.

  It provided a reasonable cover and Amber was a good friend."

  He paused, turning to look at Derek and waiting for Derek to return his gaze. "But I'm wondering whether you want to ask me about girls I've kissed, or if there is something else you would rather know."

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  His eyes locked with Derek's and for a moment, Derek couldn't think. Words? What are those again? "I...er...uh."

  Scott maintained steady eye contact and patiently waited for Derek to be able to form coherent sentences. After a moment, Scott's face lifted into that sly smile and the way the sun shone across his cheek made his dimple seem more pronounced than usual. Derek felt some of his nerves begin to unwind and wondered why he was finding it so difficult to ask what was really on his mind. Sighing, he allowed his shoulders to drop and let the words flow from his mouth.

  "What I want to know is whether last night was something that just happened, or if it's something that will happen again." There, I said it.

  Scott's smile broadened as he switched legs on the bench.

  "Is that what you're tiptoeing around?" Scott walked over to Derek, looked around to see if there were any people or cars coming, then placed his fingers under Derek's chin and tilted his head up so that their lips were about an inch apart.

  Derek's heart began to beat like a bird trapped in a cage.

  "Last night was not something that just happened." With that he closed the distance between them and gave him a sweet and tender kiss. When he pulled away, he wiped the lingering wetness from Derek's lips with his thumb. "C'mon. Let's continue our jog."

  Derek, still flushed and trying to control his racing heart, placed an arm on Scott's shoulder. "I think I might need to take a minute to, er, loosen up before we continue."

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  Scott gave Derek a momentary glance, then allowing his stare to move downward, let out a chuckle. "Damn. That was just a tiny kiss. You must really like me."

  Derek knew he had turned beet red, but didn't care. "You have no idea. I've never liked anyone the way I like you." He walked over to the bench where Scott had been stretching and sat down. "I guess that's why I want to know about your past relationships. I've never been in one. You're the first person I have allowed myself to feel this way about."

  Scott sat down on the bench, watching Derek as he stretched his muscles. "I'm not sure it's something you allow yourself to do. It just happens." He paused for a moment, and then looked at Derek who was deep in thought. The urge to ask Derek what was on his mind was pressing inside him, but he forced himself to wait until Derek was ready to talk.

  From a purely rational standpoint, Derek knew that it made no sense to feel threatened by anything Scott had done in the past. But he seemed so much more experienced. He had kissed a boy before. He had been in a relationship for a year. Even so, Scott had been nothing but friendly, open, and incredibly understanding. Why would he behave differently all of a sudden? The simple answer was that he wouldn't. This was Derek's baggage and the realization calmed him. "I suppose that's true. You can't help your feelings. I still don't like that I feel a bit inexperienced next to you. You...you've felt and done things with other people that I haven't. Maybe I could have. I'm sure I could have. But I never did. I never really wanted to. Not until you."

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  Scott looked directly at Derek. It wasn't with the flirtatious, penetrating stare that caused Derek to become incoherent. Scott was completely serious. "I've never felt this way about anyone either. Amber was just a friend. Nothing more. This is a first for both of us."

  Although he hated that it did, the admission came as a relief to Derek. He wanted to be the one who made Scott feel more alive than anyone else ever had. He wanted to be Scott's first real relationship, just like Scott was his.

  When he looked at Scott, Derek couldn't help but smile.

  Scott was being so careful with him. So understanding. But now that he and Scott were together, it created a whole new set of problems. As much as he loved the way he was able to let his guard down with Scott, the way he was able to enjoy small moments and feelings more intensely than ever before, it didn't change the fact that he didn't want to out himself to the whole school.

  It was as if Scott had picked the thought right out of Derek's head. "So maybe we should talk about..."

  "How to maintain a low profile around other people?"

  Derek finished for him.

  Scott looked down at his feet. "I know it makes me sound like a shit. I loved last night and want a lot more nights like that, but I'm afraid of other people finding out." It was Derek's turn to chuckle. Scott turned his head with a slightly hurt look in his eyes. "Why are you laughing at me?"

  Derek leaned in towards Scott and used his shoulder to give him a light shove. "I'm not laughing at you. It's just that you're cute when you get nervous."

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  Scott flushed, but his smile revealed that Derek's words had pleased him. Derek pulled out all the stops. There's nothing to lose now. He wants you. "As you were talking about Amber, I was feeling jealous. I know I have no right to feel that way, but you're the first person I want to be with. It makes me feel better to know that I'm kind of your first too."

  "Not kind of. Amber wasn't really a girlfriend. She was a friend." Scott paused, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "That doesn't get to my point, though. I like you. A lot. Still, we should keep a low profile."

  "Scott, have you noticed me going out of my way to be noticed by anyone for any reason at school? Beck says I'm the most guarded person she knows."

  "You? Honestly, you don't seem guarded at all. You are a very genuine person and very outgoing. It's one of the things that attracted me the most when I first met you."

  The comment caught Derek off guard. After a moment of thinking about it, he realized that he had never put up his defenses around Scott. He had wondered about that often enough, never really allowing his mind to linger on the thought for too long. The fact was that Scott perceived him entirely differently than other people did because he behaved differently around Scott. He was more himself. The only other person that saw the real Derek, the one that he kept hidden, was Beck. Knowing that he had been letting Scott in all along warmed Derek from the inside. "That's fair. But I'm only that way with Beck, and now with you. With everyone else, I tend to keep fairly quiet, observe what's going on around me, and keep a low profile at all times."

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  He looked at Scott who had remained quietly staring at his feet. He figured that Scott must still feel badly about wanting to keep their relationship a secret. Ok, I know what I want to know and now this is getting a little heavy. A devilish grin spread across his face. "So, what I really want to know..." he paused and waited for Scott to look up. When he did, Derek batted his eyes, "...is will you go steady with me?"

  Scott shoved Derek and started laughing. Shaking his head, he threw his arm around Derek's shoulder and pulled him in close. "Yes, I'll go steady with you. Now let's get our asses off this frigid bench."

  Derek sprung up with military stiffness, uttering a dutiful, />
  "Yes, Sir!" They continued their run making small talk and enjoying the colors of fall that reflected off the river's surface.

  * * * *

  Sitting in Au Bon Pain a couple of hours later, sipping their coffee and splitting a turkey sandwich, his kiss with Scott flashed through Derek's mind once again. The picture was interrupted when Scott grabbed his hand, pulling at it. "Hey. Where'd you go? You disappeared for a minute there."

  It took a minute for Derek to clear his head. When he was able to focus, the sight of Scott sent a shiver up his back. "I was just thinking about last night again. About our kiss."

  Scott nodded. "It makes sense now."

  Derek was confused. "What makes sense?"

  "The fact that you were all dreamy-eyed for a minute. I would get that way too if I got to fantasize about kissing me."

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  Derek didn't want to give him the satisfaction, but the comment was so confident, so Scott. Derek couldn't have stopped the smile that spread across his face even if he had wanted to. "I really wish you had more confidence in yourself." He knew he shouldn't say it. Scott was already behaving like a cocky stallion, but why not make him feel even more studly.

  Scott reached across the table and gently hooked his finger with Derek's. It was a small touch and only lasted a moment, but it said everything that Derek wanted to hear.

  His contentment was interrupted when he realized he hadn't brought up the topic of Beck yet. He hoped that Scott would be comfortable with him telling Beck about the two of them.

  Withholding information like this wasn't something he thought he could do. Scott was almost done with his half of the sandwich and didn't seem to be slowing for air between bites.