Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  Derek's heart softened and all he wanted to do was to make Scott realize that everything was alright. "There's nothing to forgive. I can't wait to see you when you get back."

  "Me, too. I gotta go."

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  Derek heard the other end of the phone click. Closing his phone and leaning back in bed, he took in a deep breath. It felt cleansing and he realized that a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. But there was a nagging feeling inside him as well. In this conversation a nervous and subordinated side of Scott revealed itself. It seemed like the self-assured and confident person that Derek had become accustomed to was missing. He hoped that when Scott came back, whatever was missing would also come back.

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  Chapter 14

  Knowing that Scott was back in Cambridge, but being unable to talk to him, made the Sunday night before returning to school the most stressful of the entire vacation for Derek. He wanted to see Scott, away from other students, in the privacy of the attic. He needed to feel Scott's arms around him, to feel their lips pressed together. He wanted to see Scott's eyes, those blue-green windows which were always open to him, so that he could know without any doubt that Scott still loved him.

  Listening to music and mixing hadn't helped to distract him. Beck's phone call earlier that evening had only served as a momentary reprieve from his concerns, leaving him feeling even more alone and scared once they hung up. Please, let things be good tomorrow. Derek went to bed fretful and unable to sleep. As he tried to fall asleep, Derek began to create scenarios of what their reunion would be like the next day. Some of the scenarios made him feel warm and tingly.

  He imagined walking to school and seeing Scott waiting by his locker with his crooked grin spread across his face and furtively whispering the things he needed to hear. Other scenarios increased his anxiety, leaving him tense and worried like imagining Scott sitting forlorn and removed, trapped by the weight of his father's unreasonable expectations.

  The next morning, Derek, who had slept intermittently, constantly waking up thinking about Scott, was exhausted 228

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  and drained. With little energy, he prepared for school and headed out. When he arrived at Brampton, the school was already bustling with students. Some had copper tans or peeling faces from their tropical vacations. Others were bundled in new down coats, purchased at ski slopes in New Hampshire or Vermont. There was an air of excitement and newness which shone in the faces of the students. Derek became immediately aware that he shared none of this excitement with his classmates. He had one thing on his mind...seeing Scott.

  Walking into the building, he quickly made his way upstairs, holding his breath when he turned the final corner where his locker was located. Scott wasn't there. He blew the breath he had been holding in a slow controlled exhale, the disappointment crushing the last of his hope for a happy reunion. The only thing that cheered him up was when Beck showed and gave him a hug. "You look awful Derek.

  Smiling with half-hearted energy, he returned Beck's hug.

  "Thanks. That's a lot better than I actually feel right now."

  Beck placed a comforting arm on his shoulder. "Come on, I'm the one who is supposed to have the bipolar mood swings, remember." She grabbed his arm. "Let's get to class."

  Allowing himself to be led to English, which was on the other end of the building, Derek considered his options. He could sulk and be depressed, or he could try to allow Beck to cheer him up. Although depression seemed like the far easier choice to make at the moment, he knew that a sullen mood would only draw attention to him. People were used to him being cheerful and upbeat.

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  Taking a deep breath, he repeated the phrase he had used with himself for years whenever he felt down and needed to pick himself up. What would you do if you lost a wrestling match? You would practice harder and win the next time.

  Although he was still feeling low, he had to admit that the wrestling analogy did make him feel a bit better. As they turned the corner to the hallway, where their English class was, Derek caught his breath. Scott was standing outside the room.

  Seeing Derek and Beck, he started walking towards them.

  He didn't have a smile on his face, but he didn't look glum either. "Hey guys. You're both a sight for sore eyes." He gave Beck a hug and put his arm around Derek's shoulder. "How were your breaks?"

  Beck smiled at him, unconsciously placing a protective hand on Derek's arm. "Break was great. Uneventful, but relaxing. Derek told me that yours was less than stellar. I'm sorry about your dad."

  Scott's expression became blank for a moment. Shaking his head as if he had a shiver, he took in a deep breath through his nose, releasing it in an audible exhale through his mouth. "Thanks." He then turned toward Derek with what seemed to be both a pleading and apologetic look. "Could we talk for a minute before class?"

  Taking the hint, Beck kissed Scott, then Derek, on the cheeks, and headed into class. Scott looked directly into Derek's eyes, and then allowed himself to drop his gaze to take in the rest of his body. "Come with me. There's no one in the stairwell. I want a minute alone with you." Derek allowed 230

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  Scott to lead him to the stairwell at the end of the hallway.

  Once they were safely behind the closed doors, Scott pulled Derek into a tight hug. "Derek, you don't know how good it is to see you. The past ten days have been awful. I thought about you every day. I wanted to call you last night, but..."

  Scott tensed and Derek could see his lips tighten into an angry thin line. "I'm so sorry Derek. Please believe me. You have been all that's on my mind."

  After all the days of stress and the lack of sleep, Derek felt himself crumble with relief at Scott's words. His eyes started to blur and he couldn't control the tears that spilled out of them. Scott pulled him into a tight hug once again. After a moment, Derek was able to speak. "I was so afraid that you felt differently about me since you've been gone. It was horrible and I tried not to let my mind play games with me, but I couldn't help it."

  "I know. I'm sorry Derek. My feelings haven't changed. I still love you. It's going to be harder to spend time together, but we'll figure it out. Once I get my calculus grade back up, everything can go back to how it was." Scott lowered his head to Derek's neck and kissed him, gently licking the sensitive spot he had memorized and causing Derek's brain to block out everything but Scott's touch. He clutched at Scott, holding him in a tight embrace. Scott pulled back. "Not that I'm complaining about the hug, and you are even sexier than ever, but you stink!"

  Derek pulled back and stared at Scott with shock, then began laughing. He hadn't taken a shower for the past two days and was too tired to really clean himself thoroughly this 231

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  morning. "Well, I've been a bit distracted and it's kind of taken my motivation for grooming away. You have to keep this a secret because no one knows, but I have this boyfriend here at school whose dad wouldn't let him call me over winter break, and I sort of lost it towards the end there. I didn't sleep well last night and my shower this morning was half-hearted at best. I did brush my teeth though."

  Scott laughed. "Your secret is safe with me as long as you keep my secret."

  Derek wiped his eyes which had finally dried after his sudden rush of emotion a moment before. "You can tell me, but I can't make any promises that I'll keep the secret."

  "Fine, I'll take my chances." Scott was beaming, not missing a beat in their banter. "I also have this boyfriend here at school. Over break, my dickhead father took my phone so I couldn't call him. He wouldn't even let me call him last night even
though I was dying to. Guess what?"

  "What? Tell me." The last of Derek's tension ebbed from his mind and muscles and all that was left was contentment to be with Scott once again.

  "I almost snuck out of the house last night to go see him, but I was worried that if my dad found out, he would make things even more difficult than they already are."

  "You should have..." Derek stopped himself and shifted back into character. Now was not the time to make Scott feel bad. "Well, if I were this boyfriend of yours, I know I would have been extremely happy to have you calling at my window in the wee hours of the night. I would probably have been so happy that I would have given you a reward."

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  Scott's smile widened and a seductive glint shone in his eye. "You know what? I think you just beat me at my own game." Not sure what he meant, Derek stood there with a perplexed look on his face. Reading his confusion, Scott took Derek's hand and placed it on his crotch. Derek immediately felt his engorged cock straining against his jeans. "I guess I'm not the only one who gives someone a hard-on with just my words."

  Grabbing both sides of Derek's face, Scott pulled Derek into a ravenous kiss, pressing him against the wall. As Scott's intensity increased, Derek felt as if ten days worth of separation was being flushed out of him with this one kiss. He felt his knees begin to give out beneath him, but didn't care.

  He didn't want this kiss to end.

  Reluctantly, they pulled apart, both tugging at their crotches to relieve their straining, and very noticeable, bulges. After readjusting, they figured it was safe to go to class. Mr. Carlton was in the middle of a lecture and the students were taking notes. All eyes rested on them. Derek looked at Beck who, after glancing at the two of them, closed her eyes and shook her head.

  "How nice of you two to join us. Did you forget where class was while on winter break?" Both boys knew better than to answer. "Well, since I am feeling well rested, I will forego the detention slips this once, and only once. Understood?"

  They both answered in unison. "Yes, sir." Derek was actually pleased that Mr. Carlton had made a point of showing his generosity by not giving them detention. That would undoubtedly be the topic of gossip following class and not the 233

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  fact that he and Scott had arrived late to class, together, with conspicuously red and swollen lips.

  * * * *

  Derek, Scott, and Beck had lunch together and Beck wasted no time launching into a reprimand of both of them. "I'll start with you, Derek, since I've known you longer. You have spent the past ten days as bright and cheery as a dead flower. All of a sudden everything is peaches and cream. I am surprised you don't have emotional whip-lash right now."

  Derek's face burned as he opened his mouth to protest. Beck raised her hand, "Shush!"

  Taking a deep breath, she settled her stare on Scott. "And you. I still love you, but I am seriously pissed at you right now, even though the past ten days weren't your fault. Derek is crazy about you and got it into his head that you didn't want him anymore." It was Scott's turn to flame red as he opened his mouth to protest. Beck raised her hand once again, "Zip it!"

  Toggling her head back and forth between the two of them, she looked as if she were watching a tennis match.

  "Break is over. You're both here. It's time to put all of this nonsense behind us." Shell-shocked, it took Derek and Scott a moment to collect themselves.

  Derek wasn't sure whether Beck was truly upset with them or if this was just her dramatic way of telling them that everything was going to be ok. Either way, Derek wasn't used to the feeling of being reprimanded by his best friend and didn't like it. "Uh, ok. Thank you for the thrashing."

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  Beck took a bite of her burger, her eyes narrow and her body hunched. Finally, she looked up at the two of them again. "You know, this is bullshit anyways. Derek, I have never seen you act so helpless and miserable before, ever.

  What's with you? It's like you're a completely different person this year." Derek glared at Beck and Scott sat silently, not knowing what to say.

  Derek took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he said something he would regret. "Is there a problem here?

  I have never seen you act like such a fucking bitch in all of my life and all of a sudden you are slamming me and embarrassing me at the same time."

  Scott tried to interject, but both Derek and Beck shot him a warning glance and he quickly closed his mouth and faced his tray. Beck snapped her head towards Derek and pointed directly at him. "Ever since the two of you..." she looked around the room to make sure no one was watching or listening. Lowering her voice, but maintaining a clearly angry tone, she continued, "...started going out, you have been completely absent. I didn't say anything because I knew that you were happy and I have always wanted you to find someone that you could love. But you have never turned into a depressed, wimpy brat just because you couldn't talk to someone for a few days. Get a fucking grip. Grow up!"

  Scott couldn't remain silent any longer. "Beck, what the hell is wrong with you?"

  Beck turned to Scott, fixing him with a vicious expression.

  "Why don't you stay out of this? This is between me and 235

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  Derek right now." Scott closed his mouth and raised his hands in surrender.

  Derek had had enough. "Beck, you need to shut up. I don't know what has gotten into you, but if you have a problem with me, we should not be talking about it here in the middle of the cafeteria. You certainly shouldn't be snapping at Scott if you are pissed at me."

  "Well, when the fuck else can I talk to you? All you ever do is spend time with Scott and wrestle." Beck's face had become flushed with her frustration and anger.

  "Gee, let's think. We have, what, all of our classes together? Maybe you could talk to me then. Or here's a novel idea. How many times do we text each other a day? Maybe you could have texted that you had something you wanted to talk about."

  Beck got up. "That's perfect. Get sarcastic. Great defensive move. Be sure to try that on one of your opponents. Maybe you can pin someone with your words. Oh wait, you don't use words. I forgot." Picking up her tray, she stormed off leaving both Derek and Scott stunned, unable to make sense of what had just happened.

  Not wanting to discuss the outburst, Derek shoved the rest of his burger into his mouth. Scott, taking the hint, sat silently and waited for Derek to finish eating. When Derek had finished, they got up in silence and headed to their fifth period classes.

  As Derek headed to his Latin class, he thought about what had just happened with Beck. Something was off with her.

  She was dramatic and had a flair for over-exaggeration, but 236

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  she had never directed frustration and anger directly at him without buffering her rebukes with hugs and an invitation to get coffee or to eat something. This was not like her and it concerned Derek.

  * * * *

  That afternoon's practice was grueling. Most of the guys were out of shape from ten days of little to no exercise. At the beginning of practice, Coach had the team gather around him. "We are having a fantastic season boys. We are undefeated and have already beaten one of the schools that we feared could stand in our way of taking the division this year. But, we haven't won yet. That won't happen until the division championships are over. We need to focus, get into the best shape possible, and practice hard. Our meet against Birmingham, the Waltham team, is in three weeks. They have a solid team and they haven't lost any wrestlers from last year." Coach took off his cap and mopped his head. "I am proud of you boys. I know you all have it in you to dig deep and to push yourselves to be your best. Let's get started."

  Josh pushed the team hard, spe
nding a great deal of time on sprawls, spins, and sprinting in place. Derek wasn't sure whether Josh's torture-like drills were inspired by Coach's speech or a result of his lingering embarrassment from losing his match against Allistaire. Either way, several of his teammates had to puke in the garbage can outside the wrestling room during that first practice after winter break.

  The rest were dripping with sweat and panting. Even though Derek had run every day to keep in shape and to quell his 237

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  growing anxiety, he was exhausted and his muscles felt like rubber at the end of practice.

  The hot water from the shower was a relief to his body and Derek spent a long time allowing his muscles to relax from the heat. Once he was dressed, he found Scott. "So, you want to grab a bite to eat?"

  Scott looked at him with sad eyes. "I can't, Derek.

  Remember? My dad said I have to go right home after practice."

  Disappointed, Derek tried to mask his feelings. They wouldn't change the fact that Scott was on restriction and would make Scott feel worse than he already did. "That's right, sorry. Let me give you a ride home." Brightening up, Scott grabbed his bag and they walked to his car.

  Once outside Scott's home, Derek allowed the car to idle.

  Scott sat quietly for a moment, and then turned to Derek. His hands were fiddling with the zipper of his bag. "Derek, I know that the past ten days have been tough, but I want to talk about what's going on at home for me right now. Would that be ok?"