Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

When he finished, his mother's hand reflexively crossed her chest, resting over her heart. Derek could see her eyes become slightly pink and she quickly stood up, taking both her and his father's plates to the sink.

  His father looked at him for a moment, and then leaned back in his chair. "I wish you weren't in such a hurry to grow up. It must be all those high school drama shows on the television where all of the kids act like they're twenty-five instead of seventeen. Your mother and I don't expect you to tell us that you appreciate us, son. Your actions tell us all we need to know. You're a good boy. You make good choices. We trust you. That's thanks enough."

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  Derek felt the lump begin to form in his throat again. His father had never spoken to him about feelings of trust. The sentimental moment was broken by his father's next comment. "Speaking of parents putting pressure on their kids, how are you coming along with your college applications? Deadlines are the end of this month and we didn't spend all summer trekking up and down the northeast for the fun of it."

  Derek smiled briefly. This is the dad I'm used to. Grateful for the topic shift, Derek laughed. "I'm almost done with the essays and my applications should be ready to go in the mail by the end of next week."

  Satisfied, his father got up, gave his mother, who was still standing by the sink, a kiss, then headed out to the living room, patting Derek on the head as he passed.

  Derek was almost finished with his dinner when his mother returned to the table. She sat across from him, watching him eat. It was almost like she was watching him like he was a TV

  special on the Nature Channel. "Derek," she paused, looking as if she were struggling to figure out what she wanted to say. "What you just said to us was very insightful. You are growing up so fast. Too fast." She paused again, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Scott is going through something that you have never had to go through. Give him time. He's a good person." She paused again, looking as if she were searching for the right words to say what she was thinking.

  Finally she shook her head. "I'm glad you are friends with him. It sounds to me like Scott needs friends right now."

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  "Yeah, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to help him. It seems like whatever I say lately kind of pisses him off."

  The look she gave Derek was filled with a mixture of admiration and a bit of sadness. "I love you, Derek.

  Everything about you makes me proud. I have to admit, you have seemed to grow up so much this past year. It makes me a little sad." Derek looked at his mother, not understanding.

  "Mothers don't like to see their children grow up. Well, they do, but they don't." Derek was sure that he must have had a perplexed look on his face because his mother started to chuckle. "Listen to me prattle on like a silly old woman.

  Mothers never stop seeing their children as the little babies they raised. It's difficult to see that you are becoming a man.

  But you are turning into a good man, Derek. A respectable man."

  She stared at Derek for an extended moment, and then cleared her throat. "Well, I am sure that you don't want to sit there and listen to your mother go on about how much she loves her little boy. Would you like some more lasagna?"

  Derek wasn't sure what brought on his mother's affirmation of her feelings toward him, but she was right, listening to her talk about how proud she was caused him to shift uneasily in his seat. "No, I'm finished. I think I'll just head up to the attic and continue mixing some of my new songs."

  "Ok, dear." With that she picked up his plate and returned to the sink. Tired, Derek trudged up to the attic. It had been a long week and today had been particularly long.

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  * * * *

  The next day Derek and Beck met up at The Garage in Harvard Square. It was a pitiful excuse of a mall, but it was the only one that was close to their homes and allowed them to people watch. Their favorite spot was a pizza shop on the second level. It was an open space and had tables along the railing looking down on the first level. There was one particular table which allowed them to see directly into the news shop which contained a sizable collection of pornographic magazines. The straight and gay porn mags were in the same section on two shelves next to one another. The two of them liked to play a game where they would choose someone they both thought was cute and predict whether they were gay or straight.

  Placing ten single dollar bills on the table between them, they selected their first subject, a man in his mid-twenties with short cropped brown hair and torn jeans. Beck dismissed him immediately. "Too easy. Definitely gay." Derek had to agree and sure enough, after a few minutes of pretending to peruse the auto magazines near the porn rack, he glanced to his side and walked to the shelf with the gay porn.

  They continued watching men of varying ages and when they differed on their opinion, would remove one of the dollar bills and place it to the side. When an older man, probably in his forties, entered the store, Derek thought he was straight and Beck was convinced that he was gay. The man walked towards the porn rack and began leafing through various 253

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  sporting magazines, finally standing between the shelves which contained the gay and straight porn.

  Beck leaned against the railing. "Come on. You know you want to pick out one of those gay mags. You probably have a girlfriend or a wife at home who doesn't have a clue about how to suck dick so you know you want the next best thing."

  Derek laughed, leaning against the railing as well. He saw a ring on the man's wedding finger. "No, what you want is to look at those hot young girls with breasts that are ten sizes bigger than your wife's and who get into sucking toes and butt play."

  Beck laughed. "Go on. Get one of the ones with the beefy guys with shaved chests. You like the guys who pretend that they're tops but who are secretly screaming bottoms. You know that you can't resist the idea of those big boys who lust after dick."

  Derek tried to will him to the rack with the straight magazines. "Look at those young girls who claim to be eighteen and who are probably twenty-four. You probably want to grab one of those magazines so you can relive your college days when girls' tits hadn't begun to sag and they got wet all on their own without needing any lube."

  Beck turned to Derek. "You know, for a gay guy who has never done anything but kiss a girl, you are pretty good at describing woman parts and their functions."

  "Shut up and play the game."

  They continued to watch the guy until he finally walked over to the shelf with the gay magazines. "Yes! I knew it.

  He's a big old nellie queen." Several of the patrons in the 254

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  pizza shop turned to look at her. Realizing she had an audience, she turned to face her onlookers. "Well he is!" The people who had been staring at her replaced their shocked expressions with looks of disapproving irritation, then continued to decide what they were going to order. Beck triumphantly snatched the dollar bill. "First point goes to me."

  By the time they had finished the game, Beck had won seven dollars to Derek's measly three. Derek was ready to leave. "Man, I have to work on my gaydar. I can't believe that you can pick 'em out better than me."

  Beck flashed him a depraved smile. "It's not you hon, I just channel Judy, Barbara, Madonna, and Cher and it comes to me. It's a gift really."

  Derek laughed. "Ok Ms. Diva Thang. Let's spend our winnings on some ice-cream." They left The Garage and walked down the street to Steve's Ice Cream Parlor.

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  Chapter 16

  Derek continued to pick Scott up before school and drive him home, but after th
eir argument, the natural flow of conversation between them had become uneasy. Their time together became strained. It was hard enough to only grab snippets of time together during the day, but with the added tension that was lingering between them, the time lost some of its intimacy and comfort. Derek missed the passion and emotion of their time alone and didn't know what to do to get back to that place with Scott. On top of that, Scott had become visibly stressed, spending study hall and lunch hours working on calculus, preparing for his upcoming test.

  Even though he was upset, Derek refused to allow himself to return to the same feelings of helplessness and anxiety that he had experienced during winter break. Falling into the comfortable security of hiding behind his guard, he spent more time with the guys on the team, focused his energy on perfecting his moves during practice, and continued experimenting with the new sound during his mixing sessions.

  With each distraction, there was one fact that was present in his mind at all times. Scott was pulling further away from him and he was allowing it to happen.

  On the day before the match against Waltham, Scott joined Derek and Beck for lunch. Derek didn't know what to make of this since Scott had kept to himself for over a week.

  Part of him was happy to be near Scott, but his guard caused another part of him to feel nervous and uncomfortable. Beck, 256

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  in her usual manner, greeted Scott cheerfully. "Hey there stranger. I was beginning to wonder if you still went to school with us. How is everything?"

  Scott looked pale and empty. "I just got my calculus test back. I got a C. I studied as hard as I could and I got a C. My dad is going to serve me my head on a platter."

  Derek turned to face Scott, forgetting his defenses completely. "Scott, I'm so sorry. I can't believe it. What are you going to do?"

  Scott shook his head. "I don't know. I have no idea what my dad will do now that my calculus grade is actually lower. I am guessing that my home prison is going to become maximum security."

  Beck slammed her hands on the table. "If I were your mother, I would take his balls and..." Derek shot her a warning glance, trying to communicate through the intensity of his stare that this was not the right approach to take. Beck took the hint and closed her mouth.

  Scott smiled bleakly. "It's ok, Derek. Actually, I wouldn't mind hearing what Beck would do to his balls right now."

  Seizing the opportunity, Beck continued. "I would take his balls and hold a paring knife at them. Then I'd tell him that if he didn't stop treating you like you were some kind of criminal that I would cut them off and grind them to pulp in the kitchen sink disposal."

  Derek cringed at the image Beck had painted. Scott lowered his hands protectively, covering his crotch, but his lopsided smile began to creep across his face. "I appreciate 257

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  the sentiment, but that was the most grotesque threat against manhood I have heard you make."

  True to form, Beck took Scott's statement as a compliment and beamed. "Thank you." To Derek's surprise, Scott started laughing heartily.

  At practice, Josh went easy on the team, wanting everyone to feel energized for the meet the next day. As Derek drove Scott home, the tension was unmistakable. The closer they got to Scott's home, the more intense it became. When they finally pulled up to Scott's house, Derek let the car idle and waited to see if Scott was going to speak. When Scott made no move to speak or to leave the car, Derek decided to break the silence. "Well, I guess you are going to have to face the music." He tried to make his voice sound light-hearted, but Scott's face remained solemn. "Try not to let him get to you.

  You expect him to blow a gasket, so hopefully it won't be worse than you have already prepared for."

  Scott nodded his agreement. "I know. I've just been feeling really depressed lately. I feel like I am under a rock that is trapping me and I can't figure out how to free myself."

  He looked at Derek. "I know I've been distant. I just can't seem to get out of my own head. Even though I studied hard for the calculus test, if I were to tell the truth, I couldn't concentrate on studying at all. I haven't been able to concentrate on much of anything lately. I feel like I'm going a little crazy."

  Derek wanted to reach out and touch Scott. He wanted to hug him closely and tell him that everything would be ok and that he would be there for him for anything that he needed.

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  He wanted to say these things, but his guard tugged at his gut, reminding him that if he wasn't careful, he would get hurt. "Scott, I know it has been tough for you, but it will pass.

  Maybe right now things feel overwhelming, but things pass."

  Scott sat for a moment longer then leaned towards Derek and gave him a peck on the cheek. It was just a little kiss, nothing passionate or intimate. Derek wanted to grab Scott and lock them together in a kiss that expressed how he felt.

  That gave Scott all of the love in his heart. He wanted to grab Scott by the shoulders and force him to see what Derek was able to see so clearly. That his father didn't know shit and certainly didn't appreciate how incredible he was. He wanted to do these things, but he didn't.

  Scott maintained eye contact with Derek for a moment. As Derek watched him, he thought he could see longing behind the surface of his eyes; a slight trembling of his exterior that indicated a deeper longing trying to get out. But then the moment was broken as Scott reached for the handle and let himself out of the car. A voice cried out inside of Derek's head. Call him back. Don't let him walk away from you.

  Ignoring the voice, he remained silent and watched as Scott let himself into his house and closed the door behind him.

  * * * *

  The next day was tense. Ever since Scott had brought him to the Foot Bridge the day of the Lexington meet Derek had become calmer on the days of their meets. Scott, on the other hand, had become increasingly fretful on meet days, 259

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  even more so than on a typical day since his return from Iowa.

  As the team loaded onto the bus to head to Waltham, Scott took a seat by himself in the back, placing his book bag next to him. This was an unspoken sign, understood by all of the members on the team that someone wanted to sit alone for the ride.

  Derek joined Josh and Power near the front of the bus and they talked about their opponents from the previous year.

  They had been able to watch a few Waltham meets prior to their scheduled meet and were relieved that most of the members of the Birmington team had remained at the same weight class as the year before. In fact, their general wrestling style seemed unchanged. Derek figured it made sense. Why mess with something that was working so well?

  Derek's opponent was Kevin Charles, also a senior. He had won the district championship for their weight class the previous year. They were fairly evenly matched, although Kevin had been stronger than Derek and was able to out-power him. Derek hoped that his weight training from the summer and from the past few weeks would help to balance their strength.

  The Waltham auditorium was packed. While there were still more spectators supporting Birmington, the crowd supporting Brampton's team was much larger than it had been for the Lexington meet. Derek assumed that people wanted to come and show their support against Waltham since they had already beaten Lexington. If they won tonight, they stood a good chance of taking the division.

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  Once again, Derek saw his parents sitting on the bottom bench of the nearest bleacher. His mother bought two cases of bottled water, the smaller-sized bottles of Poland Springs , and had a tray filled with appetizer-sized meatballs.

  Shannon was also sitting next to his parents and smiled when he walked over. "Derek, it's so nice to see you." The fact that Shannon and his p
arents both knew why Derek and Scott had not been able to spend time together hung over them like a storm cloud threatening to unleash rain at any moment. It caused their interaction to be slightly forced.

  Derek's mom put her arm around his shoulder, refraining from giving him a kiss. Somehow she knew that he would tolerate her affections, but that it would bother him more than usual under these circumstances.

  When Scott walked over, Shannon gave him a hug.

  Derek's dad said hello and shook his hand and his mother let go of Derek's shoulders, placing it around Scott's. "We've missed you, Scott. Good luck today." Scott smiled but looked sad.

  Once both teams had warmed up, the captains went to the center of the mat to shake hands. Then the meet began. The first four matches each lasted the full three periods. Derek only half watched the matches, constantly looking back at his parents. His mother and Shannon were deep in conversation, each with worried creases wrinkling their foreheads. By the time it was Derek's turn to wrestle, he had worked himself into a small frenzy. His four teammates from the lower weight classes had all won, although not by pins, so the score was twelve to zero in favor of Brampton.

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  Derek walked to the center of the mat and faced Kevin.

  With each step towards center mat, he shed the distracting thoughts that were interfering with his concentration.

  Thoughts of Scott, of his mother and Shannon talking, and of his worries about losing to Kevin last year. When he took neutral position, he was centered and ready to wrestle.

  The ref instructed them to shake hands and blew his whistle. Derek shot, faster than usual, for Kevin's leg and captured it, hoisting it into the air. Stepping in front of the foot Kevin still had on the mat, he brought Kevin down and secured control. The ref awarded him his two points for the takedown. Kevin tried to use his strength to stand up, but Derek found that he was able to maintain control and leverage, keeping Kevin securely in his hold. Kevin tried a few other defensive moves, but Derek allowed his instincts to guide his actions and he countered them, maintaining control.