The Scorned (The Permutation Archives Book 3)

by Kindra Sowder

  The familiar sound of the click as the door shut greeted my ears after a few hushed moments.

  “I think I have something that can help. Well, something the Fallen Paradigm has that can help, anyways.”

  Her footsteps crossed the room, and there was another click as a bedside lamp I hadn’t even noticed in my panic snapped on. It gave the room a soft glow that did nothing to help the glaring white. I squeezed my eyes shut against it and waited with my hands still gripping the threshold of the bathroom door. My fingernails dug into the wood and paint painfully. It was all I could do for my tattered soul not to jump out of my skin and go running out of the place to freedom, away from the fear and death and destruction. More movement came from behind me as I stood frozen in place.

  Cecilia cleared her throat and said, “Okay, that should help.”

  Terror gripped me, and I couldn’t make myself open my eyes. A warm hand came to rest on my shoulder, and I had to hold back a flinch and stifle a cry. Even the tears I felt burning inside of my closed eyelids attempted to force their way out. I swayed, but barely and her grip on my shoulder tightened slightly.

  “It’s okay, Mila. You’re safe here. You can open your eyes now,” she assured me.

  I had known Cecilia my entire life, and a part of me wanted so badly to trust her implicitly as I had before, but the other part? That part wanted nothing to do with any of this. To trust no one except for myself because I was the only person I could depend on. Nero had even proven trusting him in any capacity was a mistake when he betrayed us and sold us out to King. Just the thought of him infuriated me, but the panic that spiked within me overpowered that reaction to the image of him that fluttered through my mind. But, with Cecilia’s presence, the feel of sticky, hot blood covering my skin had nearly dissipated, and my heart finally began to slow its race.

  I opened my eyes slowly, the light in the room no longer that horrible shade modern medical and military facilities used so often, but a soft and calming green. Almost like moss coating rocks by the river. My knees nearly gave out on me as I sighed, the tears running free from their prison. I sobbed then, my shoulders shook, and she was there for me. Keeping just enough distance for me to be comfortable, but close nonetheless. From her actions, I could only guess that she had been thoroughly prepped for what I would be like when I came to be with them, and I would be forever thankful.

  Fatigue flooded my body, and I finally removed my hands from the door jam, noticing the small flecks of white paint I had scraped from the wall. I didn’t believe it would bother anyone that I had damaged the place already. If anyone noticed it at all.

  “I’m sorry,” I muttered as I wiped my tears from my face and turned toward her.

  Her golden eyes were filled to the brim with sadness, and it had spilled over and down her cheeks as she watched me suffer. And she couldn’t do anything to stop it. All she could do was stand back and be there if I asked for a helping hand, which she knew I wouldn’t do. I’d suffer all alone and then apologize for it later when I realized someone was watching, which was what I had just done. Her face crumbled then even though she had attempted to remain strong for my sake. A weak smile crossed her face as she reached out to me and wiped a wayward tear away.

  “It’s okay. You’ve been through a lot, and you’re exhausted. I’d probably be the same way.” Her smile widened, and she shrugged as her hand fell to her side. “Plus, I took it upon myself to learn a few things about what trauma can do to a person from the Fallen Paradigm’s doctors. So, I get it. I mean, I may not feel what you do, but I do understand. And I’m here for you. Always. Just like Gaia.”

  She jerked her head back toward the bed and continued, “Let’s go have a seat. We can catch up until we both pass out. What do you say? After you get a shower, of course. You look like you need it.”

  A breathy laugh left my lungs, and I shook my head. “Running around in the forest tends to make you dirty. I won’t be long.”

  Cecilia waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. “No, take your time. I’ll be right out here if you need anything.”

  She turned away from me and I turned to face the bathroom, remembering that the room was still a glaring white I knew I couldn’t look at without having another anxiety attack that was likely to put me on the floor. If not in their hospital wing. I turned my head and watched her back as she strolled to my bed, careful in her movements as she strolled around the room.

  “Cecilia?”

  Her head swiveled around, and she replied, “Yeah?”

  “Um, can you show me how to do that? With the walls?”

  Her face warmed, and her smile was back instead of the serious, introspective look she had when she turned around.

  “Of course, I can.”

  And it wasn’t until that moment, when we stood face to face in uncertainty, that I finally felt like I was closer to home.

  Chapter

  Five

  After a shower I knew was far too long for how filthy I actually wasn’t, Cecilia and I spent the next hour sitting on my new bed within the building talking about anything and everything. There wasn’t a single subject we left untouched, but as I sat there staring at her, she looked down at her hands. I knew there was something on her mind. I even had a feeling I knew what it was.

  “Your parents didn’t leave with you?” I asked.

  When the look of sadness crossed her face, I wanted to take the question back. Tears threatened to spill over her already puffy lids from what she had already been through. I felt like an awful friend for not even realizing that she had been through the same trauma too. That she was suffering too. She was just better at hiding it than I was. And she didn’t hold a power inside of her that threatened to tear down the very foundations of the building as a result.

  She shook her head and replied, “No. They didn’t want to be associated with anyone like…”

  “Like me?” I interjected.

  Yes, like me. Someone that the government deemed dangerous enough to kill and to make me look like I wanted to tear the country apart. An extremist with a power that could easily accomplish the task and that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. She nodded, and that was all the answer I needed to fuel the fire that was already building in me to show them that I wasn’t what I was made out to be. I just wanted to live my life without fear. Was that too much? Was that selfish of me? I didn’t believe so.

  “You know,” she began as she gingerly wiped just under one nostril with her fingers, “I almost believed it when I heard what happened to Cato, but I know you better than that. On the news they showed very little of what actually happened. I was already with your mom and Gaia and the Fallen Paradigm at the time, but they broadcasted it after you escaped. Your mom made it a point show all of us the entire tape she had received from Doctor Aserov.”

  “She didn’t even tell me I made the news.” I grinned. “It’s kind of cool, right?”

  Cecilia laughed at the statement. “Kind of. Even cooler if it weren’t making you look like a terrorist.”

  There was a moment of pure silence. Nearly deafening, like all the unasked questions hung in the air between us. And the need to defend myself arose even though I was confident there was no need for it with Cecilia. We had been friends our entire lives, just like with Nero, Cato, and Julius. There were no secrets, and there were no doubts. This was no longer the case with Nero, making me wonder if it was in him all along to betray us. No one saw that coming. No one except Cato. The vision he had shared with me didn’t include him, and I should have known then. I should’ve at least had a clue, but I didn’t. Could I have stopped him? Probably not. More than likely not.

  “Cato begged me. I’m not sure if you could hear it on the video, but he did,” I explained.

  “You don’t have to explain, Mila. It was how he was. Selfless even if it meant his death. He wa
s always like that. Especially when it comes to those he loved.”

  Silence again, and the thought of Cato and his selflessness brought the memory of what he had told me in a dream to mind. I hadn’t truly spoken to anyone about this, but I felt that, if anyone would understand, it would be Cecilia. No matter how cryptic the message. Then we could begin to find the answers together along with the Fallen Paradigm. Find out exactly what Cato had done. Yes, it would mean more tests which caused my anxiety to peak inside of my chest, but what I felt no longer mattered. The answers did most of all besides our ultimate freedom from King and his controlling hand.

  “Cato did something. I’m not sure what because I don’t completely understand it, but he did. He told me he did,” I blurted, Cecilia’s eyebrows furrowing in confusion at my statement.

  “He told you? Mila, that’s impossible.”

  “Trust me, I know how impossible it sounds, but he did. And I’m having a hard time figuring it out.”

  “Okay,” she said as she closed her eyes, rotated her neck until it cracked, and sat cross-legged on the bed. When she opened her eyes again they were serious, concentration brimming at the surface as she stared at me. “I may not be all powerful or all knowing, or have an ability like you all do, but I can help. Lay it on me.”

  A smile crept onto my lips and I adjusted on the bed, clearing my throat to begin to tell the story I knew would make me seem insane. Granted, it may have been the truth at that point, but I didn’t want to come off that way if I could help it. Talking about your deceased friend possibly speaking to you from beyond the grave was guaranteed to do just that.

  “I had a dream while we were out there. Cato came to me and it felt so real, but he told me that he did something for me that I would understand soon enough. But I don’t. I mean, should I?”

  She seemed to think about it for a moment, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth and chewing on it. She did this when she was deep in thought, and I knew that this would require so much more information than I was truly willing to give.

  “I guess that depends. I mean, what all did he say? Did he tell you more than this?” she asked.

  I already felt overwhelmed by the questions but I had known there would be some. “It’s not just what he said. It’s other things.”

  “Like?” she asked with a hint of skepticism in her voice.

  I put my head in my hands as the tears began to burn my eyes again for what felt like the millionth time in so many days. “Oh God, how do I say any of this without sounding insane?”

  “You don’t, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Now,” I felt her hand touch my arm and, when I looked at her there was concern and understanding staring back at me through golden eyes, “tell me.”

  I rose from the bed as panic began to set it in because I was about to open my mouth and speak the words. My feet paced along the floor, and Cecilia watched me with a nearly terrified expression. Was I really about to do this? Was I really about to lay it all out there for her to see? Would she see the same friend that had always been there for her or the replacement that had been put in my place that was filled with terror and distrust for most around me?

  “I’ve had visions. Not many. Just one or two, but that isn’t what my ability is. That’s what Cato could do. You know he showed me the vision at the compound, but what all did he really do? I mean, is this even possible?”

  “First off, is this all? I know you well enough that this isn’t all there is,” she stated. She knew me well.

  “I’ve,” I paused and licked my lips, “felt him.”

  Now she just looked confused and tilted her head to the side like a confused dog when he saw something he didn’t understand for the first time.

  “What do you mean you’ve felt him?” she asked after a moment’s hesitation.

  “It’s like he’s here. Almost all the time. When I feel like I can’t take anymore, it’s like he’s here. I have the same feeling when a vision pops up. Once, it felt like he had wrapped himself around me, like a warm blanket. I’m not sure what to think about it, but some of the thoughts I have, the visions, and these feelings,” I chuckled at the thought of it, “aren’t mine. They aren’t mine, Cecilia.”

  She raised her hands in the air in a gesture of surrender and got up from the bed. She came to stand in front of me and looked deeply into my eyes. I couldn’t look away, not even when her eyes widened slightly.

  “Are you trying to tell me that he’s,” she paused for a moment, the wheels turning inside of her mind. “Are you saying that he’s inside of you?”

  The words she said shocked even me and I had to be honest.

  “Um,” I blinked, “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

  I moved to the bed, sat on the very edge of the mattress, and chewed on my right thumbnail. Turned out it wasn’t only a nervous habit of Gaia’s that annoyed me. She kneeled down in front of me and took my other hand that rested in my lap in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

  “If it helps, it doesn’t sound crazy,” she said.

  But I could see it right under the surface The concern over my mental health. Not only had I passed out and had a panic attack twice since coming here, but now I was talking about things that were impossible. Right? This was all in my head. A result of the trauma. Would that be how Rayna, my mother, and Doctor Aserov would explain it to everyone? The trauma of my experiences caused me to knock a few screws loose? Deep down even I could feel that wasn’t the case. This was as real, and as possible, as it came. We lived in a world where what I could do shouldn’t be possible, but it was, so why couldn’t this? Why couldn’t the dead visit the living and remain somehow? All this did was open up a whole new set of questions that I wanted to be answered, and I couldn’t even begin to figure out who could answer them best. At that moment, all I had was the Fallen Paradigm. Could I even go to them? The fear that caused my stomach to lurch told me no.

  “Cecilia?’

  Her eyes shot up to me, and I watched as her fingers absentmindedly picked at the hem of her cargo pants, her fingernails caked with dirt. I hadn’t noticed it until that moment and, for some reason, I found it odd.

  “Yes, Mila?” she questioned, those golden eyes never once leaving my face as I stared into them.

  The question hung in the air between us like so many had during our conversation up to that point. Could I ask her? And would she do it?

  “Can you, umm, keep this quiet? At least until I feel like I can talk to my mom about it? I don’t want everyone to think I’ve lost it,” I requested.

  “Yeah.” She nodded. “Yeah, no problem.”

  I watched her carefully as she sat in front of me. Cecilia had glanced away when she said the words, so I knew, deep down, that she wouldn’t be keeping my secret. I had no idea who she would tell about it, but I had a feeling my mother would be the first to be informed of my insanity. At least, that was what my intuition told me. It wasn’t like I didn’t plan on telling anyone that could help me put the pieces of the puzzle Cato gave me together. I just needed the time to figure out how to explain it, so I didn’t sound like I was hallucinating.

  “Thanks,” I replied to her vow.

  I needed her to believe that I believed her. We had been separated for so long that I had become distrustful of anyone and everyone, but I needed her to feel as if I trusted what she said so she didn’t feel the Mila she knew before was long gone. That girl was gone, for the most part, but not everyone needed to know that. It was bad enough Julius could see the differences in Nero and me had betrayed us because of those same differences. Mostly, I needed her to see the old me because that was what I needed. I needed to know for certain that my experiences hadn’t changed me so much I didn’t recognize myself anymore, but I knew it was a lie. All of it. I wasn’t the same. I had changed, and not even I could tell if
it was for the better.

  I began to hear a tiny whisper, deep within the recesses of my mind and I could instantly recognize the thought patterns again. Just like every other time. Cato was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear him. Well, barely. Was it something for Cecilia or me? If this wasn’t just all a product of my sick mind, then this was something I’d need to learn to live with and learn how to control. If that was even possible.

  Cecilia took a deep breath in and pushed it out, the air pushing the loose strands of my hair from my face when she did so. Her hand took one of mine within it and squeezed tightly. Before she let go, our eyes met again, and hers widened slightly as the whispers within continued to grow in ferocity. My stomach rolled, and I began to feel a little green around the gills when I saw the expression on her face before she could look away.

  “I’ll let you get some rest. You’ve had a rough few weeks.”

  She patted my knee before she got up from the bed and refused to look at me when she opened the door and slipped through the small crack she allowed herself so I wouldn’t see the blinding white beyond the doorway.

  “Hey,” I said before she disappeared completely from view.

  She turned back toward me and held the door against her body. “What’s up?”

  “I’m glad you’re all right. I was worried about you,” I admitted.

  “I know. I’m glad you’re okay too,” she answered with a weak smile. “Get some rest. Someone will come grab you in the morning for breakfast.”