Doctor 'O'

by Lilian Monroe

  “Val,” Clay says softly, bringing his hands up to my arms. “It was before I met you, it didn’t mean anything.”

  Emma snorts again and turns to stare at him. I pull away from his touch. I don’t know who to trust.

  “Didn’t mean anything, hey?” Emma starts. “What about you telling me I was the coolest chick you’d met in New York, and I was different, and you were breaking all your rules for me. What did THAT mean? Saying all that bullshit and then never calling me back. You’re a user.”

  My heart sinks even deeper when I hear the familiar words. Breaking all the rules, being different. I feel like a fool. I look at Clay and the tears start streaming down my face. I hate crying but I can’t help it.

  “Is that what you tell every girl you sleep with?” I ask. He’s not saying anything, just staring at me with his arms outstretched. I can’t even look at him anymore. I need to get out of here. The walls are closing in on me and I feel like I can’t breathe. I brush past him and rush out the door.

  I gulp in the fresh air and turn towards the subway station. Tears are still streaming down my face and I can hardly see where I’m going. My steps are unsteady as if I’ve been drinking all day. I hear the bell of the diner’s door jingle behind me, and Clay’s voice calling after me.

  “Val, wait! It’s not like that! I swear!”

  “Leave her alone, you pig,” Emma jumps in. She’s at my side now, with her arm wrapped around me. “Don’t listen to him, Val, you’re better than him. You deserve better.”

  Her words are like a punch in the gut and I start sobbing into her shoulder. My heart has been split in two and I feel a searing pain in my chest. I can’t walk straight, the ground feels unstable. All I can do is lean into Emma and feel the hot tears streaming down my face.

  She’s shushing me and guiding me towards the subway. I’m in a daze, my mind is blank and buzzing at once. I’m trying to gulp in the air, to calm my beating heart but all I can do is cry and lean against Emma. I don’t even care how many people are staring at me as I cry. She holds me the whole way back to my apartment, unlocks the door for me and sits me down on my sofa.

  I sit down and the realisation of who Clay really is sinks in. She’s right, he’s a user. Everything he told me he said the same to her. My tears dry and I stare into space. He’s been lying to me, using me. I’m no different than any of the other girls he sleeps with. He’s made a fool of me. Emma is in the kitchen making us some tea. I can’t move, I can’t speak, I can’t think.

  I thought I’d found someone that I could trust but all I found was a womaniser. I opened my body and my mind up to him, telling him my deepest secret. I thought he was genuine and he was just pretending the whole time! He said the same exact things to gain Emma’s trust. He slept with Emma. She told her they had a connection. It doesn’t even matter that it was before he knew me, now I know his true colours. The outrage is building inside me like pressure inside a kettle.

  Emma comes back with the tea and sits down beside me.

  “I’m sorry this has happened, Val. The way you were talking about him I thought he was a good guy.”

  “So did I.” I’m still staring into space. I don’t think I can’t look at her without crying. Clay, my Clay, the one person who can give me an orgasm, has been lying to me. He’s used me, and he’s slept with my best friend.

  Chapter 36 - Clay

  I watch her walk away with her friend and my chest feels like it’s being ripped to shreds. I can’t move, I just watch as she is taken further and further away from me with every step. She walks down the stairs to the subway and out of view.

  The second her blonde head disappears down the steps I feel like collapsing onto the ground. The world is spinning around me, I feel like I can’t breathe. I want to run after her, to explain, to tell her how I feel but my feet are like lead. I can’t move.

  How can I explain to her that she’s different! I told her friend I was breaking the rules for her but that was just a pickup line. Ever since I’ve met Val my life has been better. My heart is being cleaved in half, the pain is too much. Just as I’m realising that she’s what I want, she’s taken away from me by my own stupid actions in the past. I haven’t even looked at another woman since the moment she walked into my office.

  I turn around and walk the other way. I’m practically stumbling away from where I was standing. My chest feels like I’ve been stabbed with a ten-inch dagger. I let my feet take me wherever they want to and I wander aimlessly through the busy streets. Everywhere I look I see happy couples holding hands or kissing or laughing together. It’s like a slap in the face.

  I didn’t know I wanted her and now I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s slipping through my fingers because of my own inability to keep my cock in my pants. I feel changed, different now that I’ve met her and I can’t let myself lose that.

  I’m still wandering aimlessly. My head hurts, my chest is in pain. I’m tripping over my feet. I need to get her back, I can’t lose her like this.

  And then, the pain is too much. All of a sudden I’m angry. This is why I have my rules! I never wanted to feel like this, to feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. This is why I never got attached to women! She just walked away from me and wouldn’t even listen to what I had to say.

  It’s like the time we spent together meant nothing to her. The connection we had, how easy life felt for the past couple weeks, that just got thrown out the window for what? Because her friend was mad we had a one night stand before I even met her? How is that supposed to be a bad reflection on me?!

  If her friend had the wrong idea about the both of us, that’s on her, not on me. And if Valerie won’t listen to her then that’s HER problem!

  You know what, screw her. I didn’t need her before and I don’t need her now. If she’s going to throw this away so easily, without even hearing me out, then she doesn’t deserve my attention at all.

  I make my way back to my apartment and close the door behind me. It’s quiet, too quiet in here. My anger evaporates as soon as I walk in to the door. I look at the sofa and think of Val sitting there, with the sun streaming through her hair, laughing at one of my stupid jokes. Everywhere I look I’m reminded of her here and how much better it felt to be with her.

  I collapse onto my bed and hate how cold it is without her in it. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I turn around and can still smell her on the pillow. This isn’t right. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wanted her to come to Seattle with me and now she won’t even look at me.

  I need to try to get her back, to explain that she’s special. I need to at least try.

  Chapter 37 - Valerie

  I’m stuck between my best friend and the one man I feel a true connection with. Emma is here, comforting me, but I can’t listen to her. If I go back to Clay, Emma is hurt. She’s been my best friend for years and I can’t imagine my life without her in it. If I don’t talk to Clay…. I can’t even finish the thought. I feel like I’m on the edge of an abyss whenever I think of my life without him. We’ve only known each other a few weeks but I’ve never been so happy, so complete.

  I feel a sharp pang of jealousy every time I think about Clay and Emma sleeping together. She told me they had a connection. It’s like a stinging pain in the depth of my chest when I think about him having a connection with someone else.

  I try to think about it rationally. At the end of the day it was before I ever met Clay, not that it makes me feel any better. I’d rather just never think of him with another woman ever, let alone my best friend.

  He and I have been inseparable ever since we met. If I could just talk to Clay, if he would just be completely open with me, I think I could get past him and Emma sleeping together. It was a one night stand, after all.

  I look at Emma and think of how hurt she was when he didn’t call her back. She liked him, even after one night. Maybe that’s all that’s going on with me too. Maybe this crazy connect
ion I thought we had is nothing more than me falling for his charms.

  But then I think about laying together in bed with our arms and legs intertwined and our bodies closer than possible, talking about nothing and everything. I think about the way he cooked me a romantic rooftop meal when he’d known me for three days. Surely that counts for something?

  I wonder if she would forgive me if I wanted to be with Clay. Would she stand between us? She’s always had my best interests at heart, but then again I’ve never been interested in the same man as her. I would be heartbroken if this ruined our friendship.

  He couldn’t even say anything in the restaurant, couldn’t explain or defend himself or even tell me that he cares about me. He just stood there like a statue and a guilty, shocked look on his face. The tears prickle at my eyes again and now I’m crying. Heaving, shuddering sobs rip through my body. Emma wraps her arms around me and I cry on her shoulder.

  I pull away and look at her, trying to search her face for answers.

  “Emma, thank you for bringing me home. I think I’d like to be alone now.”

  She looks at me and I can’t tell if she’s hurt or understanding. Her face crumples but she nods and leans in for one more hug. We stay like that for a few long seconds and I cry into her shoulder a little bit more.

  “Is there anything I can do before I go?” She says into my hair.

  “No, thank you.”

  She gathers her things and gets ready to leave. When she gets to the front door she pauses and then turns around and comes back to sit beside me. She takes my hands in hers and looks me in deep in the eye. I desperately don’t want this to come between us. She’s sitting there like she’s about to break up with me and the thought of our friendship ending over something like this makes my heart hurt even more than it was before. I can’t lose both of them, not at once, not today. Finally she opens her mouth to speak.

  “Val, I care about you. You’re my best friend.” She pauses, and I look at her through tear-filled eyes, waiting to hear what she wants to tell me. “I’ve never seen you like this, not even when you and Bryce broke up. Even then, you weren’t this upset. You were more resigned and a bit relieved.”

  She takes a deep breath and looks down at the floor beside me, studying my rug like it’s the most interesting rug in the world. When she looks up her eyes are filled with tears and I feel my heart heaving.

  “Look, at the end of the day, what you and Clay have seems to be special. I saw the way he looked at you before he saw me. He didn’t even see me at the table until I said something.”

  The tears are streaming down her face and I can’t help but cry as well. I’m sick of crying, but it feels good to cry together. If she could see it too, then maybe it was really there. Maybe Clay does care about me the way I care about him. We’ve only just met but the connection we have is different, deeper.

  “Val, I,” she hesitates, looking away from me again. “I was jealous at the restaurant. I saw the guy who rejected me and he was all starry-eyed for you. I hate to say it but I was jealous. And now I’m seeing you in so much pain and I can’t, I won’t be the person who does this to you. I care about you and I know how you’ve been talking about him, how much he seems to mean to you even after such a short amount of time. I think that a connection that strong shouldn’t be thrown away. He and I hooking up was a one night stand, and at the end of the day it meant nothing. I thought we had a connection but all we had was a fleeting mutual attraction. He never looked at me the way he was looking at you. Not even close”

  I’m crying for real now, sobbing as she talks to me. Her words are like a healing balm. She saw it too, she saw the connection between Clay and I. I’ve always been able to count on Emma and once again I’m glad to have her as a friend. She looks completely composed, except for the tears streaming down her face. Her red lipstick is somehow still perfect.

  “I could sit here and tell you he’s a jerk and a user and forget about him, but I don’t think that’s true. I saw the way you guys looked at each other and I think it’s too rare to just toss it away. You should talk to him and see what he has to say. It’s rare to meet someone that you click with, it’s worth giving it a shot.”

  She stops talking and looks at me with her tear-stained cheeks face. I love this girl so much. I lean over and give her another hug, burying my face in her curls. She wraps her arms around me and I can feel that she’s trembling. In her arms I stop sobbing and squeeze her a bit closer. We pull apart and I look at her face.

  “Emma,” I start. “Thank you.”

  She shakes her head and I stop talking.

  “Val, I’ve seen you suffering for the past four years with that asshole Bryce. I’m not going to be the one who makes you suffer more by standing in the way of you and a guy who seems to genuinely care about you. I’m not saying jump back in his arms but just know that I support you no matter what.”

  I nod, the words catching in my throat. The relief I feel is immense. I’m not going to lose a friend and a lover. I have a chance.

  “Plus,” she says, wiping her eyes and looking at me. The corner of her red lips are curling up into a grin. “I would never be the one who stands in the way of those earth-shattering orgasms you’ve been having.”

  My sobs turn to ugly, sobbing laughter and she laughs along with me. She grabs a tissue and hands it to me. I wipe my face off as best I can and Emma gives me another hug.

  “I’m going to go now. You’re my best friend Val, I’m not going to lose our friendship over some guy.”

  I’ve never been more glad to have Emma as a friend. She grabs her bag and heads towards the door. Her curly head disappears and she closes it softly behind her. I lay back on the couch and close my eyes, breathing deep. I don’t know what to think.

  I get up slowly and peel off my clothes. I get in the shower and turn it on as hot as I can stand. I stand under the steam and water and let it wash me clean. My mind clears as I wash myself from head to toe, taking my time.

  Stepping out of the shower, I dry myself off and wrap my hair in a towel. I grab my housecoat and wrap it around me, snuggling into its fresh warmth. I feel better. I dry my hair with the towel and hang it up, going over to the kitchen to make myself some more tea. I’ll take the afternoon and evening to myself to watch a movie and order some pizza. I look at my phone on the coffee table. Maybe I’ll text Clay, if I work up the nerve.

  I just need some time to calm down. I need to breathe, and process what’s been going on.

  Just when the kettle starts boiling I hear a knock on the door. I wrap the housecoat around me tighter and tie it off at the waist. I walk to my front door and open it.

  “Hey,” he says. His eyes are rimmed red and his clothes are crooked, his hair dishevelled.

  “Clay,” I say, still in shock. “What are you doing here?”

  Chapter 38 - Clay

  She’s wearing a bathrobe, her hair is wet and she has no makeup on. My voice catches in my throat when I see her. She looks amazing and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her.

  “Val, I need to talk to you.”

  She’s standing at the door and slowly steps aside for me to walk in, closing the door behind me. She runs her fingers through her hair and pats them down the side of her housecoat and then looks up at me.

  “Did you mean the things you’ve been saying to me, about being different? Have you just been telling me what I want to hear?” Her voice is strained, and her eyes look like she’s been crying.

  “No! Of course not, Val…”

  My heart is pounding in my chest. I want, I need to make her understand that it’s been different with her. In a couple weeks she’s made me reevaluate my entire life, my priorities, my goals. Having her near me has changed the way I think. I don’t know how to put that into words and I just stare at her, speechless. She waits for me to talk and then sighs.

  “Would you like some tea? I’ve just boiled some water.”


  “I, uh.. Sure.”

  She walks by me into the kitchen and I turn around. Her apartment is small and cozy. She has an old couch that looks comfy and a flowery rug that dominates the room. There’s eclectic hangings on the wall in a sort of boho chic kind of way. It’s styled in an effortless kind of way, but I can tell lots of effort has gone into decorating. I walk over to a poster of Andy Warhol’s Marylin when I hear her re-enter. She’s holding two steaming mugs and sets them down on the coffee table. She sits down on one end of the sofa and I take the other.

  We both take a sip of the hot liquid in silence. I still haven’t found the words to say anything. She’s staring at me with those blue eyes and I simultaneously want to look away and want to get lost in them. Finally she breaks the silence.

  “Since you won’t start, I will. Clay, it hurt me to hear that you’ve been feeding me the same lines as all your other girls.”

  “Val! It’s not like that, I - “ she puts her hand up and I stop talking.

  “It made me feel like what I felt between us was a lie. It made me feel like opening up to you was a mistake, and that you were just using me for sex. I know that you’re leaving, you’re going to Seattle, but I just thought… I don’t know. I thought we had something different between us.”

  “We do!” Finally I can speak, I’ve found my voice. I lean in towards her, putting my mug down on the table. “Val, these past few weeks with you have been happier and more exciting for me than the past few years combined. I’ve been working so hard and avoiding any sort of relationship so much that I didn’t know what I was missing. Until you.”