Hidden Carmina

by Adri Sinclair

  I am convinced I’m dreaming and this my personal rendition of a fairy tale where I am the ugly duckling! I hear her enjoyment ring out in a wind chime jingle. Temporarily I thought the sound would make the sun rise strictly to see who’s stealing its stage!

  “Oh you are funny! I am quite real I assure you! Thank you treasure, what a beautiful picture you paint of us.”

  “Uhm” is about the extent of my vocabulary at the moment. I am not aware of having spoken but then, I am not aware of anything but this group made up of modeling-movie-star qualities in generous proportions.

  Lilly clears her throat and hisses. When I turn to her, annoyed at bothering me while I’m admiring our guests, she circles her wide open mouth with her fingers and then pinch her lips closed.

  “Oh.” I close my gaping mouth, a blush spreading from my chest burning like a veld fire straight into my cheeks. “I’m sorry, sorry. I’m Carmina. Good evening.”

  “Esmeriska Moretti, and this is my husband William Moretti, I believe you’ve met John and my son Liam.”

  “More like an encounter,” I speak my mind about having met John and am thankful about the humor not being lost on the Moretti family. Bewildered I look around for this Liam she mentioned. I somehow missed the guy. I blink several times, concentrating on keeping my mouth shut while wondering how on this forsaken planet I could have missed all that when I find him. He was standing up straight and tense just inside the door. As soon as my eyes latch to his, I feel the ache on my wrist flair and the hair on my arms prickle. I distractedly rub my wrist feeling a nagging thought in the back of my mind refusing to reveal itself. Out of nowhere, the three campers inject their thoughts.

  “Stay Calm” and “He is a giant” and “Oh dearie look, you found Liam.” I categorically ignore them.

  Liam’s eyes hold me captive. I feel my mouth dry and my head empty like the cheerleaders portrayed in a stereotypical movie cast. His skin is pale and looking smooth, as if it’s lightly polished marble. My fingers twitch to touch him. I would have touched him too if it wasn’t for those classically shaped lips pulled in a firm, straight line and the look perceivably …angry? Is he mad at me for something? I am bewildered, watching his hand glide towards his mouth to clear his throat, keeping it there in a fist.

  “Carmina…” My name sounds like a chore to him, one he does not want to do at that.

  “Why are your men so big?” I turn away hurriedly and blurt out to the woman I have now started calling Lady E in my mind. She is just too much grandeur to be called anything else. I needed to say something, anything to distract my swooning mind from all of Liam.

  Lilly shakes her head and mutters, “Honestly Carmina! Were you born in a cave? No manners today!”

  “No, more like a hole with a house on top of it,” I retort to my sister’s chastising while chasing after the rogue thought.

  I bite the inside of my cheek, irritated by Lilly doing her best Margarith impersonation. I still want to know why the lads are so huge, and why Liammmmm… a squirrel hijacks the thought. Lady E and her husband laugh hard with each other, their hands woven together.

  “It’s in the genes,” Sir William says. I decided the naughty twinkle in his eye promotes him to Uncle Will. I like him a lot.

  “We came to help with Lilly’s wedding arrangements. We’ll stay ‘till after the wedding. Are you excited Lilly?” Lady E changes the whole flow of conversation and I sigh in relief. I am too tired at the moment and I’m still trying to figure out why Liam is glaring at me from behind his fist. I do wish he would move it, he has such a sensual mouth.

  Jarrod calls Liam over for an opinion on a build and it was hard not to gasp at the sheer size of the man. John is big, but Liam is taller, his shoulders wider and his hands… He moves so gracefully, unlike the hilarious death scene from John earlier today. There is a seriousness about Liam that captures my mind with intensity.

  The memory of John makes me snicker to myself. I like John, though I foresee troubles with him and Jarrod in one house. Their humor and naughtiness is a match and I suspect they will soon turn the village into a slapstick production to make Jim Carrey envious. Liam lifts his gaze towards his brother, flying daggers breaking from under the unruly black strands over his face. When he turns his head my way I resist the urge to duck. Liam excuses himself abruptly.

  “We have an early start tomorrow. John, a word please. Goodnight everyone.” Liam leaves without giving us a chance to say goodnight and I feel slighted. Uncle Will and Lady E come to their feet too.

  “That will be our call, too. Lilly, we’ll see you bright and early.” Lady E winks at Lilly. Spirited, they leave the room, and I marvel after them. Eventually I excuse myself too with the pretext of love birds needing to be alone for quality romance or something. I saunter to Mother’s room which leads to mine.

  Momma is sleeping, her glasses still on her face and a book on her chest. Waves of love rinse and repeat through me. Taking her glasses off and putting the book away, I kiss my mother’s crown and cover her properly. “I love you momma,” I whisper to her before leaving for my room. My own blankets and bed fold around me to spoil my every sense with relaxation. I am home. Thank goodness!

  I pick up a book and start reading, not eager to fall asleep just yet.

  ***

  Boy Talk

  “Oh heck Liam! For someone with a crush on the girl you managed to make her feel self-conscious, hurt and confused by just being in the room. Bro! Try smiling for once. What is the matter with you?” John punches his brother hard in the shoulder.

  “I don’t know. I think it is how she smells. I cannot stand it! And… she makes me nervous.” Liam shoves his brother away from him.

  “It’s not bad. You’re just moody because she likes me!” John taunts his brother. “I know you heard her the same way I did!”

  “John, if you touch her…!” Liam throws a threatening punch at his brother’s head who skillfully ducks out of the way.

  “Boys,” Esmeriska’s voice is a warning in itself. “That is as much as I am going to tolerate from you two. If you want to hash it out, do it privately.” She rubs at her temples.

  “Mom, he is a buffoon! Not even trying to be nice to her. Some bloody lovesick mutt he is.” John mutters.

  “John, I said enough. I am going to spend alone time with your father. The gods help you if I get back and this argument progressed beyond anything civil.”

  “I’d listen to your mother,” Will warns the boys. “She’s not impressed with either of you tonight, and I cannot say I am. Work it out or go to bed.”

  “Bro, if you ruin this, you spoil the whole plan. We’ve worked hard to get the agreements from all parties and if she is your soul-branded, then you better step up your game because I…. I will side with Jarrod.”

  “You will side with a half breed over your own?”

  “You will love a human girl over your own?” John retorts.

  The conversation ends abruptly with a scream drifting to them from below the house. Liam closes his eyes and clench his fists. His jaw grits firmly and without warning or another word he storms out of the room.

  John shuts himself off from the nightmares, respecting at least part of his brother’s privacy.

  “She’s dreaming again, poor thing.” Esmeriska’s voice tenderly pushes towards John.

  “Yeah, I’m cut off mom. Goodnight”

  “Thanks John. Good night.”

  Merciful Mother

  Liam sits outside the window of the room where Carmina is sleeping, his eyes closed and his head in his hands. He wants to be with her so desperately. He wants to hold her and let her know she’s going to be alright. He wants to... Anything, anything to stop her agony. The nettles in his chest are burning into a full poisonous fever.

  Margarith opens the window above him and sits on the ledge. The moon coloring her sleek black hair mimics a dark stream. She looks like a faery godmother, missing only a sparkling wand. Her gentle eyes look out far b
eyond the estate.

  “Liam, night after night you are here. How long now? Over a month? Why?” she asks him in a motherly tone.

  “Margarith, I’m sorry if I bothered you. I was hoping to be… quiet.” He turns to better see the woman he has come to admire and respect in a very short time.

  “You’ve not bothered me, but I am her mother, I notice, given … never mind. Why?” she asks again.

  “I miss dreaming and feeling normal. When she dreams… I can be with her. You know we don’t sleep, we don’t dream. When she dreams, I dream with her. It is the closest I can be to her humanity. I have no idea how to explain it to you... or myself Margarith. She is so fragile and I have to be sure she wake up. I … I have to be here.” He tell her honestly.

  “Alright then.” Margarith purses her lips together in thought before saying, “Come inside. Since your family is under oath, I reckon you’ll be alright. But nobody Liam, nobody, gets near her when she sleeps, am I being clear or do I need to spell it out better?”

  Liam climbs nimbly through the window when the woman gets up and steps away with an invite. A grateful look to Margarith. “I understand. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

  She smiles knowingly.

  “Perhaps I do.”

  Liam stares down at the pale girl fighting invisible demons in her sleep. He looks at Margarith for answers but she leaves him alone with Carmina. It is a new dream and he closes his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall behind him. It makes him uneasy, this dream. He does not know anything about it. In the dream she’s had since he last held her, there was always just a singular moment where he could push past the fog. He knew where it will be and when. In the exact second he would push his mind as hard as he can calling to her to wake up. Any sooner and it won’t work, any later… He does not want to think about possibilities. He concentrates and listens to her breathing, her heartbeat… the nightmare burning into his memory.

  ** The dreams are nightmares are dreams and nightmares**

  Snow is falling. How beautiful! Lilly is getting married!

  I feel the excitement in the air. A chill wind blows and it is with pride that I fall in behind my little sister.

  The snow lands, and promptly turns into blood.

  “NO!” I scream at it in anger.

  Lilly is laughing, looking at Jarrod and does not turn around. They’re so used to me screaming and falling. Nothing is going to spoil her day.

  I watch as the bloody ice settle solely in Lilly’s footprints.

  Frozen blood prints against the white snow ,

  Following her up the aisle.

  I try to avoid the footprints, lifting her dress away from the blood.

  “Oh gods, no, no ... please… don’t spoil her day!” I beg softly as I lift the dress high above my head.

  Lilly turns to me and smiles from the front. Together, Lilly and Jarrod bend down to pick up a piece of crimson footprint each.

  I watch as it melts and drops all over their pretty outfits.

  “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I tell them both.

  They look at me with those adoring eyes.

  I realize in the moment I am covered with blood, freezing inside it.

  My body feels colder and colder as the snow falls harder and the blood freezes around me faster.

  “NO! Please!” I shout but the sound is covered when I am fully encased in a frozen blood rock. My skin fuses with the ice and I realize my blood is flowing and joining the prison holding me here.

  I look for Momma and the rest of the clan to find they are chipping away bits of blood, then eating it. MY blood! NO!

  I try to let them know I’m inside! I AM INSIDE! But my words are as frozen as my body.

  I don’t want to die! Please! Not yet! Not yet!

  I feel numb and my eyes start to blur.

  I am too tired.

  My beautiful sister and my strong brother, my family. They’re chipping away at my existence.

  I am too tired to fight them.

  I am so cold…

  Carmina… wake up …. Please just wake up!

  ***

  Team Work

  I wake up freezing, my body trembling violently. Moving seems to be problematic as I am wrapped in the blankets like a pretzel. For a split second, I think I passed out and am in a dream again, feeling the fear gathering in my stomach. By the time I manage to force my eyes open, the rest of me is halfway into a full-fledged angst attack. The gentle hand rubbing over my legs followed by the sweet, chiming voice calms me down.

  “You’re fine, sweetheart.”

  “I w-want my m-mother-r.” I stutter through chattering teeth, feeling weak and bitterly cold.

  “She will be back in a moment, she’s just gone to get you something warm to drink.”

  “W-h-hy are you her-re?” I ask Lady E, while getting agitated at my inability to control my chattering teeth.

  “Ah yes… I came to see your Mom about a gift for Lilly’s wedding. She was just on her way out to get your tea. I offered to get it but she insisted I’m a guest…” Dreamily, I soak up the sedative tone of Lady E’s voice. I like how it is so sincere and somehow seems to wrap me up in warmth too. It conjures up a picture of a soft silken cocoon and I have to focus before answering her.

  “That’s my mo-other.”

  As if on cue, Momma glides down the stairs into my little room. I wonder why she’s fussing so much today. Usually when I wake up the tea is just there.

  “Ah, my child, you’re awake!” She puts my tea down and Lady E helps me sit up and de-pretzel myself in order to drink it.

  “Quite the fright you gave me there for a moment, kid. You are glacial.” Stating the obvious, my mother is pottering with the blankets, pulling at the sheets and straightening my bed before delivering my jail sentence. “I brought you breakfast, you’re not leaving your bed today.”

  I thought I smelled food but I was concentrating so hard on holding the cup still enough to drink from it that I didn’t notice it at all. Momma places the liver cuts in front of me, with toast and fried eggs.

  “Eat, all of it, not just your favorite,” she orders.

  “Why am I banished to my bedroom? Can’t I go eat with Lilly and Jarrod?” Fully aware of my childish sulk, I allow my displeasure to reflect in a pout. The look on her face silences me. I have come to the conclusion that every mother on this globe has a universal, built-in ‘shut your mouth child’ look.

  “Not looking like that.” My mother holds a mirror and I have to agree. I look terrible. My skin is clammy, my eyes circled black and there is no color to be found anywhere. When did I turn into the bride of Dracula?

  “You didn’t eat properly over the past week, did you?” Momma rebukes.

  “Guilty as charged.” I don’t bother to lie. The evidence is overwhelming. There’s an amused glint pointing fingers at me from Lady E.

  “I can always ask Liam to keep her company today. He’s not exactly looking for the bride of Dracula but…” I look away guiltily wondering why she would use that expression right after I thought it. I banish the ridiculous thought of her being able to read my mind but cannot deny the accuracy of the gentle teasing.

  “It is clear she needs rest, and perhaps a door guard? Liam has a lot of study work to get through…” The grey-green baubles in her face turn to my mother. “The quiet will help him tremendously.”

  I know her offer was done in kindness but, of the two sons, she had to choose Liam? I’d rather have John’s presence, robust as it is. Even Jarrod’s tiring energy will suffice. But Liam? Liam… scares me in a way that is hard to explain. He is just so aloof which draws me to him and that scares me. I have never been so … so blatantly attracted to a man who manages to make me feel I’m doing something wrong for merely being in his company.

  I pretend to be in pain but Momma ignores the horrible face I am making. She accepts the suggestion from Lady E; the verdict is passed and my sentence intensified to now include what
I consider capital punishment. The grumpy giant gets to study in my room.

  “You, eat.” Mother points at the food before she takes on a conspirator’s look, speaking to Lady E.

  “I think you could tell Liam about his… schedule today? I will go lay down the law for the other two pups and their accomplice, Lilly.”

  I was going to object again but the two women are already half way out the room and the best I can do is pick up the mirror and mutter to my reflection tartly, “Yeah, make the spider look after the fly - that will work.”

  The food does smell good and I realize the cup in my hand is empty. I did not even notice drinking the tea but I focus my full attention to my plate, leaving the liver for last to make sure I get to savor every delicious mouthfull.

  What an inconvenient time to get sick. Instead of helping my little sister (or at least make for comic relief trying to help her) I’m stuck in a cave, hardly a beauty and sharing with a beast. Just my luck.