#1.5 Finding Autumn

by Heather Topham Wood

  There was no room for doubt. I would never sacrifice what I had with Autumn to win back my mom’s favor. “What I’ve done is unforgivable. I’ve lied to you and although you opened yourself up to me, I never did the same.” I shut my eyes, hoping when they reopened, things would be different. “But I’m asking you to forgive me. I need you, Autumn, and I’ll do anything not to lose you. If there’s one thing you have to believe it’s that I love you. I tried to hold back because I understood how dangerous it would be for me to have these feelings—but it was impossible not to fall for you.”

  I opened my eyes and I immediately took in how her entire body was shaking. She had kept her distance while we argued, but I needed her close. Stepping forward, I leaned down to press my forehead to hers. I wanted to hold her so tightly she’d never run away from me again. I’d offer my comfort, even if she didn’t want it. She didn’t back away from me, and I hoped it was some sort of sign that she’d find me worthy of atonement.

  “How can I forgive you? How can I forget who you are?” she whispered.

  She couldn’t forget who I was, but it didn’t have to mean we were over. I was the stepson of a very bad man, but that didn’t automatically make me a terrible person. I was learning to accept my flaws.

  I put my arms around her and took a leap of faith by pressing my lips against hers. It was barely a peck, but the kiss left me aching for so much more. She started to respond, but I imagined her talking herself out of it when she stepped out of my embrace.

  Her eyes were somber as she looked at me. “Blake, I can’t be with you. I took a huge risk trusting you, and I can’t do it again. After my attack, I isolated myself and thought I’d never get close to anyone again. You made me feel safe and protected, but my intuition was horribly wrong.”

  “I can’t change what I already did, but I promise you I’ll never lie to you again. I waited so long to tell the truth because I wanted to steal as many moments as possible when I was just Blake and you were just Autumn.”

  “You should go,” she said in a soft whisper. She sounded tired and it stung. Why couldn’t she fight for us? I’d be willing to slay all our demons if it meant we could be together.

  “Will you call me? Can we talk some more?” It was a frantic plea, but I had checked my pride at the door. I’d rather face rejection than not making it clear how strongly I felt for her.

  “There’s nothing left to say, Blake.” She opened her dorm’s door and motioned me toward it. “You said you thought before the decent thing would’ve been to walk away. Please, can you do it now? I need you to let me go.”

  Her dismissal felt like she clawed through my chest and dragged out my heart. “I love you, Autumn Dorey, and I say a big fuck you to every last person who tells me what I feel for you is wrong. I’d do anything for you, and if you want me to leave you alone, I will. But I feel like although I never told you everything about my family, you still know me. You get me and I hope if I give you time, you’ll see I want to share everything with you. I want to share every moment, not just the good ones. I can’t take away your pain, but I want to be there whenever you need me.”

  “Goodbye, Blake,” she said softly.

  Momentarily, she let her defenses slip and I could see she was affected by my words. Would it be enough? I’d leave because if we were to survive, she needed the time to come to terms with our new reality.

  I committed the way she looked to memory—knowing it could be the last time I’d ever see her. I wanted to be able to recall her wide brown eyes framed by long lashes… her sweet pouty lips… her blonde hair that fell, tousled, down her back.

  My steps were leaden as I walked past her and out into the hallway. I couldn’t accept that it could be goodbye forever. But I had done what I could. It was up to Autumn to accept that it was sometimes impossible to choose whom to love. On paper, Autumn and I shouldn’t have worked, but the heart didn’t always listen to what the dictates of life ceaselessly tried to write down.

  Chapter Fourteen

  My body was on fire—my muscles screaming as I moved as swiftly over the ladder rungs. My legs burned and my lungs were protesting as I tried to beat my best time. I tried to zone out and let my body take over to get the job done. But I was letting my brain interfere once again and one misstep led to another and another. Each time my foot landed in the wrong spot, more time was added onto the clock.

  Coach Jacobs blew the whistle after I finished the ladder drill and shook his head at me. He didn’t have to say a word—disappointment was clear in his features. “Again!” he shouted. “Speed doesn’t matter a rat’s ass, Preston, if you don’t have control!”

  I didn’t have control over anything. My life had spiraled, and I couldn’t do shit about it. The first game of my senior football season was a few short weeks away, and I’d be lucky if a junior varsity high school team would put me on the field. I thought I could throw myself into football and forget everything else—but it hadn’t worked. Training under the hot August sun left me with too much time to think when all I had wanted was to turn it off.

  It had been three months since the last time I saw Autumn back in May—and probably three hours since the last time I picked up my phone with the intention to call her. My whole summer had been a guessing game of how Autumn was doing and questioning whether she was missing me a fraction of how much I missed her.

  Maybe I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but I would forfeit my soul for it. I would be thrilled if she called me just to say what a bastard she thought I was—at least I’d know she still felt something toward me. Being cut out completely was a fate I couldn’t live with.

  Darien kept telling me to get over it—pushing women on me in hopes I’d forget Autumn. But I couldn’t screw her out of my brain. I loved her, and sleeping with another woman to get over Autumn would be another poor lapse in judgment. I already had enough guilt on my conscience; I didn’t need to add to my penance.

  My body was spent once the coaches called the practice. Sweat was pouring off my skin, and I couldn’t wait to hit the showers and wash the stench off of me. It had been a long afternoon of mat drills, ladder drills, and cone drills. Practice had made me want to drill a football-sized hole in my head.

  The college was mostly empty since most students wouldn’t move in for another few weeks. It gave me time to keep worrying about what I’d do once I saw Autumn on campus again. I headed off the football field in the direction of the locker room, but stopped in my tracks. A familiar blonde sat alone in the bleachers with her hand shielding her eyes as she scanned the field. She stopped moving once she turned in my direction. She waved me over and I jogged eagerly in her direction.

  “Hey, big brother!”

  Delia was smiling at my approach. It was a relief to see her delight. We had barely talked over the summer and it had taken her two months to finally return my phone calls. Things weren’t the same between us, but I was hopeful. At least I had faith that I’d have the ability to salvage one of my relationships.

  Delia picked up a water bottle from the bench next to her and tossed it my way. I caught it as I climbed the bleachers to join her. I grinned. “What are you doing here?”

  “I thought I’d witness your badassery on the field first hand, but…,”

  My laugh was broken. “But you instead got to see me get screamed at and screw up for most of the practice.”

  Delia shrugged. “Well, you can’t be perfect all the time, Blake.”

  I watched as my teammates trickled off of the field. The equipment managers began to clear the turf while the coaches headed toward their offices. I wondered if they were questioning my ability to start this season. I only had a short amount of time to pull my act together.

  “So, how’d you get here? Did Mom bring you?” I looked around, trying to spot my mother.

  “No. I drove.” My eyebrows lifted in surprise. “I finally got my license three weeks after my birthday.” Delia had turned seventeen in June. She hadn’t been ready to
see me yet, and I had to make do by sending her a silver charm bracelet in the mail. I chose a sister and initial charm to start her collection. As we sat together, I did notice she was wearing it, and I took it as a sign she was ready to let me be a part of her life again.

  “Do you have a car?”

  She shook her head. “I told Mom I was heading to the mall and borrowed her car. I stopped by your apartment first and when you weren’t there, I took a chance that you were here practicing.”

  “Do you want to get dinner? I could take a quick shower and take you out.”

  “Although you do smell like ass crack, I thought we could talk for a minute.” Delia scrutinized me for several beats. “I’m worried about you.”

  I scoffed. “Worried about me? Why? I’ve been fine.”

  Delia groaned. “Do you ever get tired of pretending, Blake?” Her words bowled me over, and I couldn’t respond. She added, “You don’t have to change who you are for people to love you.”

  My sister had summarized my life in a single sentence. She was right. I had to play football for Thomas and my mom to love me. I had to provide for Delia for her to love me. I couldn’t be Thomas Bridges’s stepson if I wanted Autumn to love me. I never felt like being myself was adequate.

  I blinked, trying to keep hold of myself. “I’ve missed your brutal honesty.”

  “And I’ve missed seeing your ugly face at the house.” Delia’s expression sobered. “Mom asked Dad to move out.”

  I tilted my head as I stared at her. “What? When did this happen?”

  “Last week,” Delia said. “I wanted to call you, but I wasn’t sure if I could talk to you about him.”

  “Listen, my relationship with Thomas has nothing to do with me and you. You don’t need to censor yourself when we talk. If you’re upset about something, then come to me.”

  Delia nodded. “Dad came home and everything was great at first.” She looked down at my sneakers. “Well, besides the fact Mom and Dad were pretending like you no longer existed.”

  I shrugged, unmoved by her declaration. My mom had called several times last week, but hadn’t left a message. I hadn’t returned her calls. Despite not hearing from her in months, I wasn’t sure if I was mentally prepared to talk to her yet. She had said some hateful things to Autumn after viciously slapping her and I wasn’t sure if I could ever scrub the memory from my brain.

  Delia continued. “Dad tried to get a job, but obviously the resume of an ex-con doesn’t exactly scream hire me. I could tell Mom was getting pissed at him. She would come home after working all day and he’d be sprawled out on the couch. I guess she hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be for him to start over.”

  I kept a biting retort about Thomas to myself. Instead, I said, “Mom is used to being taken care of, not the other way around.”

  “You got that right. Every night, she would scream at him to get off his ass. He warned her to lay off, and reminded her that he had been behind bars for two years. Finally, one morning, they sat me down and told me Dad was moving out. He rented an apartment about fifteen minutes from the house.”

  “How did he afford a place?”

  “He’s staying with a friend. I think he plans to pay him back once he finds a job.” Delia adjusted in her seat. “He picks me up for dinner twice a week and we spend the two hours staring at each other with nothing to say. There’s no safe topic when you have a family like ours.” I opened up my mouth, but she silenced me with her palm. “I’m not telling you this because you need to fix it. I only want to vent.”

  I did have the strongest urge to always put things right. I was learning I had to accept some things were out of my control. “Does Thomas know about Autumn and me?”

  Delia looked stricken. “Mom told him. She held off for a while, but then Dad kept talking about coming to see you. She was afraid he’d show up at your apartment and find you there with Autumn.”

  My stomach clenched at the thought. “Autumn broke up with me. I haven’t seen her since she found out who I was.”

  “Dad said you needed mental help.” She shook her head. “He said a bunch of psychobabble nonsense like you were suffering from the Oedipus complex.”

  I couldn’t care less what Thomas thought of me. His opinions about my life had become irrelevant. But I was worried about Delia. Although she’d never admit it, she was suffering for her father’s sins. “I’m sorry things at home have been difficult.”

  “It’s not your fault. I was pissed at you for so long, but I know you. I believe that you met Autumn and something changed for you.” Her blue eyes were swimming with questions as she stared at me.

  I took a long pull of the water bottle before I replied. “You can ask me about her. I won’t lie to you.”

  “Okay… do you still love her?”

  “I do,” I answered automatically. “It doesn’t matter since she hates me. I failed her, and she needs someone she can rely on.” Autumn had given too many men her trust and had it backfire horrifically. She wouldn’t likely want to take that risk again.

  “What is she like? I mean… are you sure that you’re in love with her? Maybe it’s just a sex thing. I was with you, Blake, when we looked her up on Facebook, and I saw how wild she was.”

  I gave my sister a sad smile. “We never had sex.”

  Her lips parted and she made a surprised sound. “Wow… not that I want to hear about your sex life, but I just assumed she had somehow ensnared you with her magical vagina.”

  I put my hand over her mouth. “Sometimes you take that frankness a little too far, Del.”

  Her laughter was nervous. “Anyway, I don’t believe I’m going to say this, but maybe you should call her. I wish you’d find someone else to be with, but maybe you need to stop putting everyone else’s happiness before your own. If Autumn is definitely the girl you love and want to be with, I’m not going to be the one to tell you not to be with her.”

  I pulled Delia to my side and squeezed her shoulder. She had no idea what it meant to hear her say that. Although I was crazy about Autumn, I couldn’t disregard my sister’s feelings. I understood how much it was upsetting her for me to love someone she had nurtured a hatred for over the years.

  “Thanks. Although it’s not likely I’ll be given another chance with Autumn.”

  “Why? Because you lied?” Her eyes tore away from mine and fixed on a point in the distance. “Sometimes believing a lie is a blessing.”

  “I don’t think she sees things that way.”

  “Then she’s a fool. Because a single mistake doesn’t define who you are.” She paused and chewed on her lower lip. “And who your parents are doesn’t either.”

  I allowed her words to sink in. Maybe I did need to forgive myself. How could I be happy again if I continued down a path of self-loathing? How long could I beat myself up for lying to her? Did I have to continuously hate myself for being Thomas’s stepson?

  I couldn’t go back and had to find a way to move forward. I had hoped it would be with Autumn, but that was her choice. She had to be willing to realize—despite the way I falsely represented myself—that what we had was real and beautiful.

  ***

  I was playing in was Cook’s first game of the season and the pressure was mounting. I hadn’t been playing up to par, but I’d been gradually improving with each practice. The coaches were pushing me hard, and I’d been logging serious hours training in the gym and on the field.

  I’d been getting close again with Delia, and talking things out with her had given me perspective. I was done with handing over control of my life. I had played football as a means to an end. My mom had wanted me to give up everything to make it to the NFL, and I had done as she wished because I felt like I owed it to her and Thomas.

  Football meant a lot to me, and I had felt guilty over that fact. Thomas may have been a mentor, but I didn’t have to hate football because of him. I wanted to play my final year of college ball because I enjoyed the sport. I wouldn’t chase NF
L glory, but I wouldn’t run from it either.

  The first half of our game against Rutgers wasn’t my best outing, but it wouldn’t get me kicked off the team either. I’d been trying to stay focused, but it had been a tough week. Going to campus each day for class had brought on day-drinking impulses I had to keep fighting against. I wanted to see Autumn again, but I was also terrified I’d walk by her and she’d look through me as if I wasn’t there.

  During the first half of the game, I had taken a few decent hits on the field. My shoulder was throbbing, and I planned to ice it in the locker room during half-time while listening to the coaches strategize on how we could play better in the second half.

  I was on the outskirts of the cluster as the team jogged toward the locker rooms. I’d been focused in front of me, but my eyes suddenly darted to the side. I stopped in my tracks and felt a teammate slam into me from behind. I ignored his muttered curses and stepped away from the line of players. Dazed, I wandered toward the face of the athletic building.

  “Autumn?”

  I blinked several times, trying to make certain I wasn’t imagining her standing a couple feet away. She elicited such a physical reaction from me. My heart rate on the field was nowhere near what it became the moment I saw her.

  Autumn was just as gorgeous as ever. She had grown her hair longer and the way it hung loose down her back made me want to run my fingers through it. She had a dark tan left over from the summer, and I thought about brushing my fingertips over her skin to feel the softness again. I saw her cheeks color as she stared at me and for some reason it boosted my expectations. If she was feeling flustered, maybe her feelings for me hadn’t completely faded.

  “Hi,” she said quietly.

  I laughed to release my nervousness. “Hi.”