Fairy Circle

by Johanna Frappier

  Chapter 20

  As Saffron flew toward her home, she felt the fury within her bubbling up and burning off the fog of fairy flight. Each time a wave of anger rolled through, she felt the tiny fairy hands grip her more tightly and pull her up to keep her afloat. Apparently, anger made souls heavy.

  They pleaded with her. “Saffron, let go your rage. It is weighing you down. It is hurting us. We will not be able to keep you up if you do not let it go. You are going to fall and crash to the earth, Saffron….”

  Suddenly, Saffron felt herself free-falling. Her gut rolled into her throat, ready to fly out through her lips. Terror replaced anger and Saffron’s descent accelerated. It sent her spiraling downwards like a falcon. The fairies flattened their wings against their backs and nosedived after her. They worked their magic on her terror-filled mind. Anger was able to burn their magic off, but terror was what they longed for. With terror, the fairies could easily slip inside and soothe her with their ancient and hypnotic magic. Saffron came to an abrupt stop just before she was impaled on the steepled point of a church spire. She bobbled clumsily in the air. All at once, the fairies were there, gathering her up again.

  “Let us help you,” they whispered. “Think of something peaceful. If you were to remain angry any longer, you would surely have plummeted all the way down…”

  “What does it matter?” Saffron brought her hands to her face and rubbed hard.

  “It matters, human.” A pink-skinned fairy fluttered directly in front of Saffron’s face. “You will feel the pain of the crash because your mind expects to feel the pain. Your soul is only temporarily out of your body. Your mind isn’t above making certain assumptions. Did Li not tell you this? Help yourself here, human child. You must not be guilty of making yourself suffer, lest you find yourself caught in the fairy realm.”

  Saffron looked hard at the speaker. Confused, she nodded. She started to shake, aftershock from her near-death experience. She opted not to look down upon the little chapel just several feet below. She focused on a small mountain peak off in the distance. It was illuminated by the full moon. It reminded her of the chain of mountains that surrounded the lake full of the glowing fish. She concentrated on keeping this in her psyche. She hadn’t thought about the daydream since that weird day it happened, but now every detail was full and lush and wholly in her mind. She found that thinking of the velvet black waters and ring of solid ancient mountains soothed her.

  Now her soul became so light that it flew up instead of down and just as quickly. She bulleted straight up into the sky so swiftly, that most of the fairies lost their touch on her. They gasped as they watched her fly up and away and out of reach. The others still adhered to her throttled-through open space as if they were clinging to a shooting star.

  “What is she doing?” one of them shrieked, “Is she thinking about what I think she is thinking about?”

  “Stop it…STOP IT, Saffron!” begged another fairy. “Your soul thinks it is dying. For the love of all that is good in the universe, think of something else!”

  Saffron felt wonderful. Then, in a blink, she was terrified at the way her soul was ascending into black space, without anything to stop her. How could the image of the lake do that to her? She barely heard the fairies screaming at her to clear her mind. It was difficult, but she thought of home. She thought of her mother and Derek, of Coco and Markis. She thought of alpacas being born in the field in the early morning hours in July and puppies and kittens and Christmas presents.

  She slowed to a stop and hung in black space. The fairies wouldn’t look at her as they guided her back down. Sometime later, travel-weary and human-weary, the fairies deposited Saffron through the window and onto her unmade bed. They shook their heads. They assured themselves that when they became human again, they would not pull such abominable stunts and good riddance.

  Saffron rolled over and closed her eyes. She heard the fairies leave, the “ppfffft” sound of their wings and their fading bells. She lay in the fetal position as tears slid slowly across the bridge of her nose and down onto the sheets. She heard Li’s voice from far away warning her against leaving the house or doing something with her shutters. “Screw you.” She turned on the radio to disrupt the “Li Channel.”

  She stayed in bed all day. That night, she got up to watch Raising Hope with Derek. Even Maw Maw couldn’t make her laugh. She said nothing to Derek until she grunted, “Goodnight,” then trudged her way back up to her bedroom.

  A short while after midnight, Li made her descent over the house and felt anger come to greet her. She opened Saffron’s window and slid inside to sit on the edge of Saffron’s bed.

  Saffron rolled over and looked sadly into Li’s eyes. “I just don’t understand. I do not understand how I could have lived a hundred lifetimes. I do not understand why I’m pathetic in each one of those lives. And how come you never tried to help before.”

  Li’s long lashes swept down over her cheeks. Waves of white, windblown-curls rolled over her shoulders, between her wings, and just barely touched the sheets. Her expression was unreadable. “You always choose to be as inconspicuous as you can in each of your lives. You hide much. You hide things from your family…your friends…yourself. When it comes to Ny, you choose to suffer alone. Right now, I have memories of all of my lives. When I am born again, I will not have these memories. When and if, as human, I come to realize what it is you are doing, I either step down and respect your need for privacy or, less often, try to interfere for your sake. The outcome of interfering varies from life to life. Sometimes you simply ignore me, sometimes you get mad enough to distance yourself from me, and sometimes, you leave me completely and let me wallow in my own misery of losing you. I believe some essence of each of our lives builds up inside of us. I believe this is called intuition. So, when I discover your dark, secret life with Ny, and my intuition tells me to let you be or lose you…I let you be.”

  “So fine, you respected me and tried to help. Why am I so dreadful to begin with? It’s so mortifying! It’s like watching a this-is-your-life episode, and instead of finding out you did good things in your life, admirable things, you find out you’re just a big loser!”

  “No, Saffron. No, no. You are wrong there. You are wonderful in all of your lives. You are an incredible mother. You are book-smart, and earth-caring. You are a good listener and your family and friends always adore you. I adore you. You are just so precious.”

  “But I’m miserable!”

  “Yes. For all of your kindness to others you are never kind to yourself. You are beyond appalling to yourself. You are destructive. And Saffron, I do not fully blame Ny.”

  Saffron’s chewed-up fingernails cut into her balled fists. So it was all her fault, was it? She was too weak to resist Ny? Well bring that dumb ass here, now, and she would show him what it would be like to screw around with her these days!

  “I know you are distressed, Saffron.”

  Saffron’s eyes widened. Distressed? “Distressed! It’s not like I left the house forgetting a freakin’ bra!”

  “You must listen to me, Saffron. You must hear me. It is never too late to change. In this life…in the next. You have all the time in the world to stop the grief, and rage, and desperation. You can choose to live the life you wish to live.” Li paused. She watched Saffron’s back, and waited for a response. “Saffron, in all of your lives you never tried to be with another love besides Ny. You have no idea what wonderful adventures await you. I know of many that have tried to be with you. You know none of them. You chose to keep them out. Your happiness depends on you. Your soul depends on you. Even if you choose incorrectly or unwisely, it does not matter, choose again. But choose, Saffron. Act, Saffron. Do not sit back and drown in the storm.”

  Saffron remained rigid as death.

  “Saffron, do not fool yourself. Jethin does not hold the key to your release. In a way, he is no different than Ny. In a way, Jethin is much worse than Ny.”

  Saffron kicked her way out o
f her sheets and rolled away from Li to get out of the bed. “Don’t you compare Jethin to Ny. Don’t say Jethin’s worse than Ny because the truth is Ny could never have the goodness, he couldn’t have one one-hundredth of the goodness that lies in that quote, unquote, monster’s heart!” Saffron’s chest heaved.

  Li spoke softly and firmly, as if Saffron had never spoken - as if Saffron was not looming above her with fairy execution flaming in her eyes. “Jethin is like Ny in that he knows exactly what to say to you to trick you into doing exactly what he wants.”

  “Oh, so now I’m stupid? Are you trying to say that I’ll believe anything anyone tells me? Think again, because I think you’re lying now and you’ve been lying all along!”

  “And,” Li calmly continued, “Jethin is unlike Ny in that almost all goodness and happiness had been wrung from him from having spent too many years on this planet as the same person. That is why he wants you, Saffron. Your youth, your freshness, your beauty, your strength, and that bit of fairy magic you so despise - these things render you almost goddess-like in his eyes. But in time - granted it may take hundreds of years - you will yearn for your youth, for change. Jethin will have no use for you then. He will find you, too, were unable to deliver him. He will not keep up the pretense of kindness.

  “It is about being born, Saffron. That is the magic we all seek. You and I can be reborn for eternity. Or, at least until the human race destroys itself, then we’ll all be stuck as fairies with no planet, but that is a different matter. Think. Think of why they call his kind the “undead.” His soul has not been released from his body – yet it no longer exists as it did when he was human. He walks around at night, in blackness. His heart has been blackened by the cynicism that has grown within him century after century. He experiences everything with the same tired eyes, the same perceptions. He can never see things a different way. He is filled with the doubts and prejudices of ‘Jethin’, the human he used to be, before he became the undead. And since he can never be born again, can never change - he can never be truly happy again. He cannot escape.”

  Saffron stared at Li for a moment, then turned around and gave the fairy her back once more.

  Li looked down at her fingers. “Saffron, there is something you need to know about Jethin.”

  Saffron rolled her eyes. “Oh, what are you gonna tell me now?” Saffron dropped back on her chair, on her panda. “You’re driving me insane; do you realize that? You’re literally making me crazy! Look at the knots in my hair!” She was whispering in a high-pitched hiss.

  Li continued to look at her fingers. She had a ring of symbols around both middle fingers, like a tattoo. They were ancient fairy symbols and minutely etched. They spelled out her fairy name. Names were always the same in the fairy world, not that she was banished there that often. She would leave Saffron now. The girl was too walled up in anger. She would try again tomorrow.

  Saffron saw Li make that, ‘sitting forward and looking at the exit’ motion to leave. “What?” She leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees, “Had enough?”

  Li took in a large breath, forced it back out. She should not leave this matter to another day. “Jethin is not who you think he is. He is not what you think he is.”

  “Yeah, okay. What are you saying? He’s not a vampire? Sure.”

  “I did not say that, Saffron. Please, let me talk.”

  Saffron threw her hands up, muttered incoherently.

  “Saffron, Jethin is the reason why I have not incarnated in several hundred years, why I did not follow you after you jumped back into the human world.” She rubbed her arms as if suddenly chilled. “Jethin murdered me in my last incarnation. Murdered me and threw me down a well in Ireland. It was soon after that that he became a vampire. I went to him one night hoping to show him that I was not eternally dead. I wanted to tell him that I forgave his monstrous deed.” Her voice caught before she continued - how miserable it was to relive this again, how traumatic even in memory. “I was not ready for the depth of his hate and anger. I did not realize how I had fanned his rage with my claims of everlasting fairy life. He was not happy to learn what he had given up when he became a vampire.” Li went to sit on the floor by Saffron’s chair. “He tried to kill me again! When he discovered he could not kill me, he vowed to kill me in my next incarnation. He vowed to kill everyone I loved as well, to punish me for driving him to his fate.

  “I tried to protect you, Saffron. Throughout your life, I tried charms to seal you from his knowledge. For many years, I succeeded. I went to you in your dreams as a black shadow to ward you from public places when he was nearby. I placed a fairy ring around your property, a line you felt too uncomfortable to cross. It worked, for a while. I protected you well.”

  “What?” Saffron spat like a cat, her back arched. “You were sending me those feelings? That awful darkness that sat on me like ten tons of crap? I could hardly get out of bed in the morning because I was so afraid. That was you?” Saffron lurched out of the chair and went to stand by her window. She bit down into her lip; she didn’t want Li to see her cry. “That was you?” she whined.

  Saffron remembered morning upon morning of waking up in tears, so many mornings she felt herself nearly slip over the edge into lunacy. Li’s sick idea of protection had really worked. Saffron was perpetually afraid of leaving the house. There had been so many sick days that kept her from school, from life. Saffron’s voice was barely a squeak. “You were controlling me with fear? You, who loves me so much? You?” Then Saffron jabbed an accusatory finger and roared, “People treated me like I was crazy! I treated me like I was crazy.”

  “I was just trying to help,” Li lamented.

  Saffron scrunched up her face. “I don’t believe you.”

  Li panicked. “But you must, Saffron! You must open your eyes and realize what is happening to you! Do not run headlong into the same misery as Jethin!”

  “Maybe you should stop pushing me there.” Saffron walked out and left Li in the dark room.

  Chapter 21

  Saffron stood in the shower and let the water roll across her skin. She dripped some fruity bath gel on a sponge and, without much effort, dabbed at her body. She got dressed. Underwear, bra, low-riding jeans, tight white T-shirt, black v-neck hoodie, socks, hybrid hiking sneakers. Hair clipped up.

  No. Wait.

  She sat before her mirror and wrenched the clip from her hair. It rained red all over her shoulders. She didn’t want to be like them. Like those fairy women. How they loved long hair. She thought of how Ny had stroked her hair and stared at her hair and pulled her close to him by tugging on her hair. She pulled her hair into a ponytail and reached for the scissors in her drawer. She stared at her face in the mirror for a moment, then reached back and crunch, crunch, crunched the scissors through the hank of hair. The lopped-off chunk fell to the floor. Saffron turned around, picked it up, and deposited it in the trash. A short stump of hair stuck out of the elastic that remained close to her scalp. She took the elastic out, parted her hair down the middle, marveled at the light weight, and styled her hair into two pigtails just behind her ears. She waited upstairs in her room until it was almost time for work. Then she ran down with her Black Chicken ball cap firmly on her head, her short hair hidden within the thick hood of the sweatshirt. Audrey, with a paint smear on her cheek, was taking a break from her canvas to wash the breakfast and lunch dishes that she, Derek, and Grandmother had left behind.

  From the hall, Saffron called out a quick “G’bye,” then ran through the door and onto the farmer’s porch. She threw herself on her bike like a cowboy on his horse, pedaled furiously down the driveway. She sneered at the withering mushrooms that grew across the gravel. She pedaled back to the base of the driveway, then jumped off her bike and smashed every single mushroom. With their power revealed, their power was gone. She felt fantastic as she crushed each one to crumbled, powdery pulp. Today, she had no fear of leaving her mother’s house.

  Audrey held a sudsy pan and watch
ed Saffron from the kitchen window as she disappeared down the drive. A black hoodie…in June? It was almost eighty degrees. And the ball cap? Saffron bitched about having to wear that ball cap. Maybe there were Suits evaluating the Black Chicken today. Maybe Saffron was going to rob a bank. Did she really have all of that hair in her sweatshirt? Audrey walked out into the hallway and considered the stairs to the second level. She started up. On the bottom step, she looked up with apprehension at the vacant landing above. Her mother was at a craft session for the elderly, Derek was at the shop. The grandfather clock ticked and half a mile away, their neighbor’s lawn mower thrummed. She hoped he received the Shorn Lawrn Award at the county fair this fall.

  She mounted each stair, and tread softly on the wide pine flooring that led to Saffron’s room. Inside, she touched nothing, but roamed around the bed and the chair. When she got near her daughter’s dressing table, she looked down. Something in the trash caught her eye. Audrey gasped and did a double take. Was that Saffron’s hair? All of it? She reached down and pulled the almost two-foot-length out of the trash. Tears welled in her eyes as she stared at the rejected coil of hair. She looked out Saffron’s window at the lush apple tree, running her hand over the hank of hair. Her eyebrow arched. If Saffron didn’t want it, there were others who did, others who needed it. She held on tight to the hair and made her way to Saffron’s phone.

  At the store, Saffron refilled the cup dispensers while Coco babbled on about her cowboy. They ignored the three boys stealing condoms for a water balloon war, and ignored old Mrs. Thatcher at the other end of the store, who bitched about burnt coffee. Outside, at the intersection, a motorcyclist gunned his bike so all the bored pedestrians would look and fail to be as impressed as he was with himself. Saffron’s eyes slid sideways - it wasn’t Markis. It felt like it was a million years ago, when she used to get excited at hearing an idling motorcycle at that light. She barely remembered her happiness that day when he pulled off his helmet and stood before her, his dark, wavy hair curling under the stuffy helmet. It was no use brooding about it now - things had gotten so awkward between them that she tried not to think about Markis at all.