The Captain's Harvest

by T. J. Land

  The gun was crushed between their bodies as Zachery hauled him in for a deep kiss. Echo, bless his heart, waited patiently until they were done and then said, Shall we proceed?

  Chapter 5

  Yeah, Rick remembered this.

  “Baby, we’re taking the picture. Can’t you smile?”

  “Sorry, Mom,” he said, trying to smile.

  “Oh, that’s no good. C’mon. Get some life in it. This is a happy day, sweetheart. Smile with your eyes.”

  “Jesus, hurry up,” hissed Gabriel through his grin, frozen in place like the rest of them with his arms around Rick and Dad’s shoulders, while Gran held the chess trophy up in front of them, partly obscuring Rick’s face. When Rick inched to the left so that more of his inadequate smile was hidden behind it, his mom took the picture.

  “I’m so proud of you, baby,” Mom said to his brother, hugging him while his sister patted Gabe on the back.

  “Family of champions,” said Rick’s uncle, the way he always did. “Who wants more jelly?”

  Rick knew that if he’d actually had the chance to meet his family again in real life, he’d have cried and told all of them how much he loved them. But this wasn’t his family; this was a shitty recreation of a shitty, shitty time in his life that he’d really sooner have forgot.

  Even knowing that, he hated how much of an asshole he was being. This was Gabriel’s birthday and the celebration in honour of his brother’s latest chess championship. Rick should have been happy for him. Just like he should have been happy the week before this, when his sister had announced her scholarship. Just like he should have been happy the week before that, when his oldest brother had shown them all his engagement ring. What sort of gross, awful person wasn’t happy when the people they loved were happy? What sort of person sat there scowling all through a nice family dinner his mom had spent the whole day cooking, and couldn’t even bring himself to shake his brother’s hand?

  The sort of person whose first girlfriend dumped them last month and who isn’t coping at all, Rick told himself. C’mon, knock it off. This self-pitying horseshit isn’t fixing anything. I need to find the others.

  How did this illusion thing work, anyway? Maybe he could simply get up and leave the room.

  They probably wouldn’t notice, even if they were really here, he thought, watching his aunts squabble over the last of the jelly while his dad gave Gabriel a new watch. No, I said stop that.

  His vision seemed to be a little off somehow, until he realized that he had two eyes again. Pushing back his chair, he started to move to where the nearest door should have been, the one that led into the kitchen. It wasn’t there. Nor was the door leading into the main hallway. And now that he looked around, all the windows were gone too. Goddammit. What now…

  “Shit, this place is nice,” said Zachery, appearing from out of nowhere. “How come you never said you were rich, you brat?”

  Thomas popped in on his left, stepping on their dog Carla’s tail. “Oops, sorry, mutt. Oh my God, is that lime-flavored jelly? I thought I’d never see it again. D’you think I’ll be able to taste it?”

  Appearing beside him, Echo, being the only crewmember Rick had with any manners, nodded politely at Rick’s mom and gently restrained Thomas’s grasping hand.

  “Rick,” said his mom, her eyes narrowing. “Who are these men?”

  Well, this sure isn’t how I’d have wanted the introductions to go. Shit, let’s roll with it. “Uh… Mom, this is Thomas and Zachery. They’re my boyfriends. And that’s Echo; he’s Thomas’s boyfriend.”

  “Wait, you’re a queer?” said Gabriel.

  “Gabe! We don’t use that sort of language in this house,” Dad snapped.

  “How come Rick can bring his boyfriends round to dinner without even asking? I always have to ask,” his sister said, folding her arms and pouting.

  Rick’s mom was glowering darkly, the way she always did when someone threatened to ruin one of her dinners. Before she could explode, Zachery stepped forward, snatched her hand, and placed a kiss on her knuckles like he was fucking Zorro.

  “Ma’am, I’m sorry,” he said, in his sexiest purr. “We didn’t know you were in the middle of something. Would you mind at all if we borrowed Rick for a while?”

  “Oh!” said his mom, blinking and―Rick observed―not taking her hand back. “Well…all right, I guess. But don’t be out too late. And if you’re driving somewhere, make sure he wears a seatbelt, okay?”

  The room was disappearing, the table, dinner and balloons all growing dim and losing their colour. Rick darted forward, hugged her, and mumbled, “Love you.”

  “Aw,” she said, petting his hair. “Love you too, baby.”

  Then she vanished with everything else. Another hand pressed against his now-shaven scalp the moment hers faded―Thomas’s. Rick drew a shuddering breath and leaned against his chest.

  Then he punched Zachery’s arm. “Asshole, you macked on my mom.”

  “’S not my fault. You never told me she was hot. Got your pretty eyes.”

  “I thought you were gay.”

  “Yeah, thought so too. Guess I’m just turned on by anything that looks even a little like you.”

  His expression long-suffering, Echo said, Can you flirt when we’re done?

  * * *

  Rux sat in the dark and wondered, Was it all a hallucination?

  Throughout the two thousand years he’d spent alone in a cave on an abandoned planet, he’d grudgingly maintained his understanding of the difference between things that were real and things that were only real in his head. Even so, the former category had rarely held his interest for very long. Reality was painful and lonely, and most of all it was so, so boring.

  To relieve the boredom he’d made up stories in his head, stories in which his creators came back for him or in which some other sentient species happened upon his planet and his cave. Sometimes the stories had happy endings, sometimes not, but they were never boring. And then, one day, like a miracle, one of his stories had come true.

  Except perhaps it hadn’t. Perhaps everything he’d experienced over the course of the last year had been simply another story created by his brain without his even being aware of it. Because he was back. Everything looked exactly the same as he remembered it. There was the rock he’d slept on. There was the lichen he’d named after himself and had enjoyed lengthy conversations with on many a rainy day.

  “Captain?” he said, his voice shaking. “Where are you?”

  Ah. Evidence that I didn’t imagine them all: I still know their language.

  His relief was immediately crushed by a follow-up speculation: Although it’s entirely possible that I’m only hallucinating the fact that I know their language. I could be talking nonsense words that I made up to amuse myself. The same could be said for the humanoid form I’m currently wearing; it may be a figment of my imagination.

  He sniffed and curled into a ball. Then, after a few minutes of quiet sobbing, another thought occurred: Wait. Think logically. I have no solid evidence of their ever having existed. But by the same token, I have no solid evidence of any of this existing. This could itself be a hallucination. In the absence of evidence either way, I might as well pick the scenario that I find preferable. So let’s work from the assumption that this place isn’t real.

  He rubbed his chin, a mannerism adopted from Khurshed. If what he was experiencing wasn’t real, then it was probably an illusion created by the cavern ghosts, punishment for trespassing on sacred ground. And if he was being punished, then it was quite likely the others were as well. How long will it be until our captors release us? Perhaps they won’t.

  It had been two thousand years since he’d conversed with anyone in his native tongue, and the words no longer felt as though they fit in his mouth. Realizing that his human vocal cords were hampering him, he shifted into the form he’d had when he’d first been given life in the laboratory.

  “Are you causing this?” he said to thin air.
If this is a hallucination, I do hope that no one is watching me. They’ll think I’m quite out of my mind.

  A soft blue glow appeared in the air before him, and from it came a voice, or rather many voices speaking as one:

  “Yes.”

  The response from beings who, despite what he’d said to Antoine, he had for a long time thought of as his parents brought a strange mixture of childish delight and low-key dread.

  “Greetings,” he said. Knowing his creators to be a proud and somewhat short-tempered people, he adopted a servile tone and posture. “My name is Rux. I am one of your many ingenious creations, made many years ago to serve you.”

  The voices whispered amongst themselves, too low for Rux to hear. Then they addressed him again, their voices fatherly this time:

  “Ah, of course. Closer inspection reveals the perfection of your genetic code. Who else could have made you? But why are you in the company of these impertinent bipeds, and why do you wear their unappealing form?”

  “In your absence, they have been… I have chosen to serve them.”

  “Our absence?”

  Of course. The ghosts wouldn’t know…

  “Masters, millennia ago you abandoned this planet.” And me.

  “What? Abandoned? Never! Our glory is infinite! Our reign is…”

  Hastily, Rux amended, “A misphrasing on my part. What I meant to say was that you no longer inhabit this planet, having since moved on to greater and more glorious things.”

  “That seems more likely. And in our absence these foreign usurpers have come creeping in, presuming to steal our technology and our marvellous creations. Why have you chosen to serve such people? We have inspected them and found them to be riddled with defects.”

  “Be that as it may, I would very much appreciate your releasing them now, and myself, if it isn’t too much trouble.”

  “A novel proposal. We have another: We continue to torture them with their memories until their feeble bodies give out, and you spend the rest of your existence maintaining our underground temple. It has become untidy in recent years.”

  “How tempting,” said Rux, his eyes attracted to sudden movement at the entrance to his cave, an oval through which sunlight shone. Dirt and stones trickled down, and Rick tumbled in after them.

  “Ow! Shit. Where the hell’s this?” he muttered as Thomas, Echo, and Zachery entered behind him with varying degrees of grace. “Oh, hey Rux. What’s that blue thing?”

  “A foreigner!” the voices squealed. “Loyal servant! Dispose of it! It may carry diseases!”

  “Fear not, good masters, I will remove them at once, and then return in short order to do your glorious bidding,” said Rux, getting to his feet and bowing to the light.

  “What the hell are you talking to?” Zachery hissed.

  Whispering, Rux replied, “Please, my friend, hold your tongue a moment.”

  As he’d suspected, as soon as he approached his crewmates his cave began to disappear, lichen and ghosts and all. The courtyard returned and he almost wept with relief. It was real. They’re real.

  “I love you so much, every one of you,” he announced, growing two sets of tentacles so that he could hug them all at once.

  “Aw. We love you too, big guy,” said Rick, kissing his chest. “But maybe get the tentacle off Thomas? He’s still got the squid problem.”

  Noting their security officer’s sickly complexion, Rux complied, hugging him again with his arms to make up for it.

  “Okay,” said Zachery, rubbing his hands. “Now it’s only Antoine and the captain left.”

  “Oh, that’s going to be all kinds of fun,” muttered Thomas.

  * * *

  It was early evening in the Tuileries Garden. The rain was so heavy that, lying on his back on a park bench, he had to keep his hat over his face to keep from drowning. His expensive new boots were ruined, much like everything else. Worst of all, the rainwater had begun to contaminate the bottle of brandy he’d only half-finished.

  When today had actually happened, he’d been so drunk the rain hadn’t bothered him at all. But apparently Rux’s ghosts had limited powers; they’d brought him back here stone-cold sober, even though he could taste brandy on his lips.

  Or maybe they’re simply bastards, thought Antoine.

  He needed to sit up, cast aside the sopping hat, make a plan, and find out where the others were. But there was a problem. He knew that if he did that, his gaze would inevitably fall on the ring. When Khurshed had stormed off, he’d left it on the bench. Later, when the rain had stopped, Antoine had taken it home–though for the life of him he couldn’t remember why. Maybe he’d intended to use it in some dramatic gesture, like melting it down into a tiny golden Fuck You and mailing it to his erstwhile boyfriend. Instead, it had sat at the back of his sock drawer for years, and every time, every single time he reached in too deep and accidentally noticed it, he’d collapse on his bed in a pathetic sobbing heap. Then he’d make a firm resolution to throw it out the very next day. Or perhaps the day after that.

  If I see that fucking thing now, I’m going to cry. And then I’ll have to go looking for the others with red eyes and a running nose. And then they’ll want to know why.

  Slowly, keeping his eyes firmly shut, he sat up. Reaching to his left, he felt around until his hand fell on something smooth and circular. Good. Well done. Now, pick it up and throw it as far away as you can. Then we can get moving.

  “Ant?”

  Fuck.

  “Mister Halberstam,” he said briskly, opening his eyes and getting to his feet. “Good to see you.”

  “Jesus, you’re wet.”

  “Holy hell, that’s the Eiffel Tower! We’re in Paris, guys,” Rick shouted. “Where’s that naked chick with no arms?”

  Rux inspected the gardens with obvious fascination. “This your home planet, I take it? How damp it is. And why is there a glass pyramidal structure in the distance? What a terrible idea it was to put it there.”

  Zachery was looking at him concernedly. “Ant, you okay? These ghosts play some nasty fucking tricks.”

  They sent me back to the Moon, Echo signed.

  “Oh God. I’m so sorry,” Antoine murmured.

  No, it was fine. Zachery had it worse than me.

  “Ended up back in prison,” said Zachery. “On the plus side, I got to see Tommy headshot an old friend.”

  “What is this?” asked Rux, who had come to stand by the bench and was leaning down to pick up the ring, his expression curious.

  A red mist came over Antoine’s vision. His hand locked around the alien’s wrist like a steel vice. “That is mine, and if you ever touch it again, I will fucking guillotine you.”

  Thunder rumbled out of the dark clouds as if to punctuate his speech. Rux’s lower lip wobbled. Then he turned into a cat and leapt into Rick’s arms, yowling pitifully.

  “Geez, Ant, let up. He’s had a bad day too,” said Rick, stroking him.

  “Sorry,” Antoine muttered. “Does anyone know where Khurshed is?”

  As the gardens started to vanish, and the ring along with them, Zachery whispered in his ear, “Oh, I think I know who gave you that.”

  “Fuck off, Mister Halberstam,” he said grumpily.

  After a pause, Zachery said, “Do you still have it? In reality, I mean?”

  “They day before we left Earth, I threw it in a bin.”

  That was true. And then, an hour before The Prayer had departed, he’d gone back to the bin and fished it out.

  This is the last one, said Echo, leading them to the last remaining pillar of blue light.

  Chapter 6

  “Captain, what happened?”

  It had been a long day. He very nearly said, How the hell would I know?

  Everyone looked terrified, even Antoine. Justifiably so; mere minutes before, they’d been engaged in what had seemed to be a life-or-death dogfight with an enemy ship.

  No, thought Khurshed. Seconds ago we were all standing in the under
ground courtyard. This isn’t real.

  “Captain?” Thomas ventured again, ghostly pale. “What happened? Where are we?”

  Staring at her screen, Khali said, “Where’d the aliens go? Actually, where’d Pluto go? Actually, where did the fucking sun go?”

  “None of these constellations are familiar,” said Antoine, looking over her shoulder. “They seem to have teleported us out of the solar system.”

  “So where are we now?” asked Rick, his voice trembling.

  Yes, I remember all this. What did I say? I must have said something. Something very impressive and reassuring.

  “We…” said Khurshed, raising his hand to his chin. Then he stopped. His palm was drenched in sweat. Oh, that’s right. It was a few minutes before I said anything useful because I was having a panic attack and hoping no one would notice.

  “Captain? Do we have a plan?” said Antoine, his voice sharp and shrill.

  I remember hating him right at this moment.

  They were all staring at him. They truly expected me to be able to fix the situation. It didn’t even occur to them that I couldn’t until I didn’t. Hmm. And now my vision’s blurring. God, I came quite close to passing out, didn’t I? That wouldn’t have improved matters at all.

  To cap it off, he was seeing double. Where a moment ago there’d only been one Antoine standing in front of him, now there were two.

  “Ugh,” said the Antoine who’d just appeared. “I really was as unhelpful as possible right then, wasn’t I? Not that the others were much better…”

  “I was way worse than you. Look, I’m over there in a corner throwing up,” said Zachery.

  The Rick with one eye was inspecting his double, who was staring back at him in astonishment. “Man, I got so much hotter in only four years.”